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Ok, I'm a big baby. Today stbx and my two older boys are loading up a truck and tomorrow a.m. they are heading down to Ventura where we're moving. I'm alone at my house with our 3 yr old in Cambria, and *I* am moving next Saturday, temporarily in with my parents down there, until the end of Sept. when my house will be ready to move into. Next Monday the 14th I have to start a new job--the first 8 am-5 pm job I've ever had (always taught college before so had a more flexible schedule); and I am scared out of my wits that I won't be able to handle it, scared I won't be able to keep up a cheerful front on my days with the kids even for the short while after work before bedtime, scared I'll just bawl when I drop my 3 yr old off for a *very* long day at daycare, scared my 13 yr old will never forgive me or us for not making the marriage work; scared I'll end up in the poorhouse (figuratively), scared I'll cry at my new job...the list goes on and on. I'm trying to work up to an effective dose of this antidepressant the doctor gave me, but the side effects make it hard to go up in anything but tiny increments at a time. I am now 44 years old and I am starting over and I am moving in with my parents! This is too humiliating. I know the most important thing is my kids and how *they* are feeling; but I can't stop crying long enough to get my face to turn from red to white again so that when they come by later I'll look normal. OH GOD!!!!!! How do you all do this? Never mind; you all already told me how you do it when I posted about "how to manage 3 kids, single" a while back. Please just send me some courage, single mamas! Now my little one wants to make cookies and we are going to do that, but he has noticed that I'm crying! I can't believe I let him see me cry. He is kissing me to make it all better. Ok, I'll shut up and let people with real problems continue to post. I'm just wallowing in self-pity and fear and have to pull myself together and be grateful I have three healthy boys.
 

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divorce is a very painful time. there is no need to feel bad about the way you are feeling or the fears you have. on top of the pain of going through your separation, you are also dealing with some huge changes - a move and a job! that is ALOT all at one time. no wonder you are feeling the way you do. it's okay to cry and you working through the grieving process helps your boys work through it too.

you CAN do this ... take some time to breath ... to sit quietly alone ...

it gets easier. it really does.
courage and strength to you ...
 

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Sounds like a really tough time, I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I can't imagine how you are feeling after years of marriage/family and now it's like falling apart, horrible. I've brought my 3 dc up on my own, have been unable to make a relationship work and I guess the good part of that is not having to go through the heartbreak of a broken marriage.I reckon you need to grieve, don't know about the meds will they help? it's a tough time to be taking on all these things,new job,moving in with parents,it's all just so much in a short space of time. Loss of security is hard and can really break you down but you will manage and do more than manage once you get back on your feet, give yourself time. I was depressed for years it just wore me down, am so much better now, never been on meds, they have their downside, like turning into an emotional wreck, which I was without them. So go easy on yourself, get through this awful time, get moved, get your own wee bit of privacy/ security back,start building up your new life and who knows what good things could happen, yeah doesn't seem like it now, but sorry to put it this way, don't mean to be condescending or something but time will heal stuff and get your confidence on again so you can accomplish all this stuff you need to do. Cos you can do it.
 

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Hey Kathleen --

I totally feel for you, girl. Just remember that 44 is the new 35, and that half the world goes through this, too. I mean seriously, riding down my nice, middle-class-professional street today, I see one house with a divorced teenager and troubled 2nd marriage; us; a freaked-out, chronically depressed single mom whose son has never known his deadbeat father, and who hates her job; and a "perfect" family with a professor, a stay-home mom, and a young child who's looking more and more like autistic. You just don't see it all when you drive past.

And actually I was just reading a history of the Filene family (of major dept store Filene's); they went from poor to rich and lost it all, too, when the parents were in middle age. Went through very hard times & worked like demons before they got rich again. It's all normal.

Anyway...are there any divorce support groups near your new place? If not, would you have the energy to start one? I'll be doing that at our local women's center -- they're fabulous, they really run most of it for me, including arranging childcare for while we meet.

I'm working harder than I have since the early-90s recession, when I was young & childless, but you're seriously not going to believe how much better it feels. Especially if you can let go of any (completely unjustified) sense of shame about this. Honest to God, it's just normal life. Your children will have to come to their own terms about it, as they will about how both of you are in totally non-divorce-related arenas. All you can do is be there for them & be as honest as they can handle.

What are your parents like? Are they supportive?
 

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I've been through depression and it IS a real problem. Your feelings are totally normal for what you are going through. I'm definately sending you courage and strength. You've got it in you mama, just feel it.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by kathleenE
I am now 44 years old and I am starting over and I am moving in with my parents! This is too humiliating.
but it's okay! nothing at all to be ashamed of, it's in fact quite beautiful to me. you're strong and you'll be fine, being scared/stressed is perfectly okay!

 

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I've not been through this, but I couldn't read it without sending you good thoughts and a big hug. You can do this! You WILL get through this! I don't think letting your kids see you cry is necessarily a bad thing, either. People cry when they are sad, frightened and stressed, and you have every right to be all of those right now! I think hiding it might be worse - your kids are probably sad and maybe a little frightened right now too, I don't know but it might validate their feelings if they know they're not alone in feeling that way?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kathleenE
I am now 44 years old and I am starting over and I am moving in with my parents! This is too humiliating.
Please don't let this add to your stress and depression! In past times it was more common for families to stay together in adulthood, and everyone took care of each other. You need support in this time, and it's wonderful that you CAN go to your family for support.

Take a few moments for yourself. Take deep, slow breaths and allow yourself to get the emotions out. You are strong. You will get through this!
 

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You can do it. You will be amazed at what inner resources you really have--and your kids will be very positively influenced by how well you are doing and what you are able to manage. (They might not 'get it' completely now, but they will in the future.) They will see how a human being copes with a very, very difficult situation and all the ups and downs associated with it--and that is not at all a bad thing to teach your kids.

Even though my son is only 3.5, I make a point to tell him sometimes why I am crabby or sad (usually because of being tired
). It's OK for your kids to know that you are not feeling all perky and perfect. Don't dump on your ex in front of them, of course, and don't make them your therapists, but it's important that they know you are human. They love you and they don't really expect you to be perfect.

It also may help them to feel that it's not their fault you are splitting up--kids often think there is someting they did wrong that caused the divorce. It's really important that they understand that they did nothing to cause the situation.

You can do it. It's hard and not every day is going to go well--but a lot of them will.
 

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Maybe it's not so much 'how' you will get through this; the important thing is that you WILL get through this. You have to, therefore you must.

Take courage Mama. This too shall pass. The immense pain of change is not unlike the pain of childbirth. The death of one era leads to the birth of another.

And sincerely Mama, I can tell you this; I've had many rough patches in my life, but without exception, the things that seemed to be 'bad' turned out to be 'good' in the long run.

Claim this as your birthright. You have more strength than you know; this too shall pass, and you may be quite surprised to discover that this era will lead into an era that you would trade for no other.
 
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