[corrie43]

Ok, I need to seriously vent. I am literally in tears over here about 4 1/2 year old ds's recent behavior. I can not take the kids out in public alone because he is too much for me to handle. He has absolutely no concept of listening anymore and flys off the handle the minute I request anything. For example when we have company he will not stop taunting, chasing, teasing them. When I tell him to stop he won't. Then I try to redirect, he won't.. Finally I have to try and put him in time out or take away something and it is a complete tantrum. Screaming at me like I am torturing him ect.

Today he pushed it way too far. We were all on the porch with his kiddie pool. his 2 y/o sister is really afraid to get splashed. He took a bucket of water and said, "sister I'm going to dump this on your head" I said No , she's crying in fear DO NOT get her wet. He kept teasing her for a while and she was still screaming in fear. I warned him he would be in his room until bedtime if he did it. This was only 4:30, but man I was livid. I went to turn off the hose to bring him in the house, and he dumped the whole thing over her head. Of course she freaked out.

I just don't know what to do. I have completely lost control of him and even my husband is having trouble getting him to listen.

I'm just sick about this... We don't spank, but I yell way too much.

 

[crunchy_mama]

I wanted to give you a hug, I wish I had advice, but my lil' guy is only 10 m.o.! I hope some more experienced mommas can help you out!!

 

[Piglet68]

Wow. You sound so distressed. I don't blame you, either. It must be so upsetting for you.

I don't have any specific advice, except to say that in the pool/bucket incident I would not have left him alone with your DD and the bucket. I mean, you knew that was coming didn't you?

I'm also thinking that kids which are a "handful" experience a lot of "NO" throughout the day, alot of focus on what they are doing wrong, what they can't do, what they should do, etc. Which makes me feel like they, even more than some kids, need even more the notion of "focus on what you do want" a la Becky Bailey. I'm thinking that he's having alot of trouble controlling himself, and he's probably feeling pretty badly about that, and the attention he's getting is largely negative, or rather focussed on his negative behaviours....I dunno, he seems like a child looking for some sort of connection/attention and this is the only way he knows to go about it.

Another suggestion is food issues. When my BF's son was a toddler any sugar turned him into a destructive tornado. It took her a while to figure it out, but of course well-meaning people would think poor kid his mother is too strict and give him sugar and then he was a terror....could be worth mentioning.

 

[4evermom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Piglet68 I'm also thinking that kids which are a "handful" experience a lot of "NO" throughout the day, alot of focus on what they are doing wrong, what they can't do, what they should do, etc. Which makes me feel like they, even more than some kids, need even more the notion of "focus on what you do want" a la Becky Bailey. I'm thinking that he's having alot of trouble controlling himself, and he's probably feeling pretty badly about that, and the attention he's getting is largely negative, or rather focussed on his negative behaviours....I dunno, he seems like a child looking for some sort of connection/attention and this is the only way he knows to go about it.

Telling my almost 4 y.o. not to do something is a surefire way to get him to do it. It's incredibly frustrating. From what I've read, the problem with time-outs (as well as other punishments) is that they can turn into a vicious cycle. The child is seeking attention and connection and he is made to feel more isolated which makes him do more things to seek that attention. I just finished reading Unconditional Parenting and it was the first parenting book that I've read that made complete sense to me.

 

[mama_mojo]

I am new here, but I wanted to chime in, as I have similar problems with my DS. Inevitably, I always see a way around the problem AFTER I have done something I regret. I can totally see your pool scene in my head, and feel the anger, helplessness, and frustration I would have felt.

So, in a hindsight is 20/20 kind of way, you might have taken DD with you or asked DS to go turn off the water. With my DS giving him a real job that really needs to be done is a surefire way to win me a few minutes to regroup and maybe get our day back on a path I want to be on. Also, I will send him away from me in a jolly way. Yes, I know I am still isolating him, but it's better than blowing my top. Also, if I do it before I get really mad, it is easier for the two of us to come back together. My last thing that I am working on that is really helping me with my ds is I am trying VERY hard to not punish. If a natural consequence just happens, fine, but I am trying to remember he is only 5 and does very little on purpose. That isn't quite what I mean... mmm, he does very little with a clear understanding of what the results will be. So, if he does not know what is going to happen, I just cannot believe punishment will change it. Therefore, I need to help him fix mistakes and just move forward.

Maybe this is some help. I still punish, I still blow my top, and my children are still sometimes afraid of me, but I am getting better, and I am trying really hard. If you can say that, then I think you are already doing all you can. Just keep trying, they're worth it.

 

[corrie43]

I have been wanting to read unconditional parenting, but I'm too cheap to buy it and there is a long waiting list at the library. I just read, "the Explosive Child" and that book fit us to a tee.

Yes, I wasn't thinking straight when I turned my back for the 5 seconds it took to turn the hose off. I just really didn't think he would actually dump it on her.

Our diets do stink and he eats a lot of junk food. He has food issues and sensory issues and his diet is so limited I would hate to cut out the few foods he does eat, but it looks like I'm going to have to cut out all sugar at this point. They have been eating lots of popsicles now that it's getting really hot. Lots of artificial colors and sugar. I'll have to start freezing my own 100% juice pops I guess.

I guess this could all be attention seeking, but nothing has changed here really lately and we are actually doing more things together than usual now that the weather is good.

oh well lets just hope today is a better day...

 

[PumpkinSeeds]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4evermom Telling my almost 4 y.o. not to do something is a surefire way to get him to do it. It's incredibly frustrating. From what I've read, the problem with time-outs (as well as other punishments) is that they can turn into a vicious cycle. The child is seeking attention and connection and he is made to feel more isolated which makes him do more things to seek that attention.

I agree with this 100%

 

[Potty Diva]

CORRIE!!!

Our kids are long lost twins!!!

I just posted about this in my 2001 thread. I could just run away over it all!!!

 

[thistle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by corrie43 Our diets do stink and he eats a lot of junk food. He has food issues and sensory issues and his diet is so limited I would hate to cut out the few foods he does eat, but it looks like I'm going to have to cut out all sugar at this point. They have been eating lots of popsicles now that it's getting really hot. Lots of artificial colors and sugar. I'll have to start freezing my own 100% juice pops I guess.

My 3 yo is a different kid when she has artificial colors. She goes from being a bright, active, very verbal 3 yo to grunting instead of talking and having NO self control. It sucks. Definitely try cleaning up the diet. It can't hurt. I was skeptical about the whole food dye thing until I experienced it. Food dyes are everywhere. I jsut read every label now.

 

[zanelee]

Where might I find more info on the artificial colors, etc.? And how do ya'll handle this if it's a problem for you dc?
What I mean is, I have a very hard time making meals that we all can eat anyway, much less having to restrict it more. (dh can't have nightshades, and now possibly citrus, I'm lactose intolerant and have allergies to boot....)
TIA-

 

[AngelBee]

 

[scoutycat]

Is it possible that your ds is just bored? Giving him some exrta responsibility might help (I need your help to make sure that dd has fun in the pool & doesn't get hurt maybe, or teaching her how to use some of the toys or whatever). I don't have parenting experience with 4+ year olds, just babysitting, so it might be only a little fix but it often worked for me. good luck! - jen

 

[MrsMoe]

Awww, I feel sorry for you! You seem very over-whemled. I think the obvious here is that your son does not have any boundaries. When he behavies in this manner, what do you do?

I honestly feel yelling is very negative, and I honestly don't think it works for some kids, unless of course you yell so much they get afraid, which isn't the result you want either. I would take away privileges, such as TV, favorite toys, time out, etc. I would also reason with him when he misbehaves, and discuss with him why his actions are wrong. It doesnt' matter WHERE you are either, he can be corrected and rewarded anywhere! When his behavior is "good" I would then reward him with praise and extra fun stuff, such as a trip to the park or rent a movie of his choice etc.

Try not to allow your emotions to show through. Be livid, but I wouldn't let him know you are.

 

[corrie43]

Yesterday was a smooth tantrum free day, even though we were at the lake all day with family who were stuffing him full of treats. We are going to completely halt all time outs and discipline and focus on always having toys and distractions, snacks ect ready so we can avoid meltdowns altogether.

 

[Schwarz0111]

Ok, I need to seriously vent. I am literally in tears over here about 4 1/2 year old ds's recent behavior. I can not take the kids out in public alone because he is too much for me to handle. He has absolutely no concept of listening anymore and flys off the handle the minute I request anything. For example when we have company he will not stop taunting, chasing, teasing them. When I tell him to stop he won't. Then I try to redirect, he won't.. Finally I have to try and put him in time out or take away something and it is a complete tantrum. Screaming at me like I am torturing him ect.

Today he pushed it way too far. We were all on the porch with his kiddie pool. his 2 y/o sister is really afraid to get splashed. He took a bucket of water and said, "sister I'm going to dump this on your head" I said No , she's crying in fear DO NOT get her wet. He kept teasing her for a while and she was still screaming in fear. I warned him he would be in his room until bedtime if he did it. This was only 4:30, but man I was livid. I went to turn off the hose to bring him in the house, and he dumped the whole thing over her head. Of course she freaked out.

I just don't know what to do. I have completely lost control of him and even my husband is having trouble getting him to listen.

I'm just sick about this... We don't spank, but I yell way too much.

Whoop his ass. He doesn’t take you seriously. I have the same problem with my 4 year old boy an spanking doesn’t phase his. I also don’t kno what to to. I’m embarrassed every where I go. No one wants to watch him. I had to almost quick my job because I can’t find a baby sitter an I’m 6 months pregnant.

 

[Liannemomi]

Whoop his ass. He doesn’t take you seriously. I have the same problem with my 4 year old boy an spanking doesn’t phase his. I also don’t kno what to to. I’m embarrassed every where I go. No one wants to watch him. I had to almost quick my job because I can’t find a baby sitter an I’m 6 months pregnant.

yes

 

[Liannemomi]

wow you have a busy home!