Mothering Forum banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
<p>Now that STBX is leaving/has left the state of Indiana, and our provisional agreement is going to be signed and filed tmw, I am feeling so happy and relaxed! Now I can really enjoy the holidays with my little sweetie pie and know I'm not going to have to stress about money or where we're going to live for the next month or so.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And now I feel like partying!!! But most of my friends and family seem a little weirded out because to them it's still so sad that my marriage broke up. The ones who are fully aware of how abusive and potentially dangerous he is, and also of how hard it is to be a single mom are thrilled for me. Everyone else that hasn't heard the full story and sees how cheerful I am about the whole thing keep looking at me like I'm nuts. It's to be expected. I realize what's going through their heads. It's just kind of a downer to get that reaction when I just want to break out the champagne.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anyway, I'm just complaining, I guess. Even the people who don't really get it are being supportive when it comes down to it. I just wish I could magically make them understand without having to drag out all the ugly details.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hope everyone is having a safe cozy night.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,697 Posts
<p>Meh, let those who will wonder continue to do so. I say put on some funky music, dance around with your LO and stuff your face with something yummy. Whenever XH was away for several days, DSS and I would make brownies, rent a silly movie, and put on "Everybody Dance Now" and groove to the music...heheh</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
<p>Well! I really thought he wouldn't show up here again, but he did! He stopped by while I was skyping w/a friend, and he didn't say a word or come and say goodbye to DD. He just came, took his mail, and left. Hah. Yeah, I have no pity left for a guy who doesn't at least show some interest in his own child. Good riddance!! How could anyone be so self-absorbed? I mean, even if he has feelings about her and he doesn't know how to express them, if he really cared more about her than he does about himself, he would find a way to show it. I would die for her without blinking. He could at least give her a snuggle. Anyway...no more feeling sorry for him. Today is a day of sunshine and sparkling snow, and giggles and Christmas music.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh Happy Day!!</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,488 Posts
<p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>bananabee</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283710/celebrating#post_16095309"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br>
 I just wish I could magically make them understand without having to drag out all the ugly details.</div>
</div>
<br><br><p>i totally get this, and still sometimes get the urge to write up a big "why i left" manifesto for all the people who really don't have a clue.  but whatever.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i also understand people feeling sad for what you're going through.  this is a joyful moment in a long sad journey - from the crap you endured, to the lingering stuff you will process in the future.  the sadness comes up from time to time, even though life is better.  but yeah, when you want to celebrate, just call up the ones who really get it!  i'm celebrating with you!</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,535 Posts
<p>I totally get how you are feeling. I have a bottle of champagne that my coworkers gave me (for my birthday) that I'm planing to open when my divorce is final. Enjoy the holidays. Stop worrying what people are thinking.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
<p>Yay!  It is sad that he ignored DD.  At least he is gone and you can relax.  And do celebrate!  Don't worry about the people who don't get why you left.  </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,611 Posts
<p>The worst is running into people who only knew you as a couple... when they hear the news it's always "Awwww, I'm sorry!" and a sappy sympathetic look on their face. My standard response is "Don't be, I'm not!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Congrats!!</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
<p>Crud. I knew I shouldn't have read the agreement tonight. I should have waited until tmw. My lawyer said she's waiting for his lawyer to mail her Josh's signed copy and she'll mail that back to me. *sigh* I'm annoyed because it basically says that he still lives here and that he can stay here whenever he's in town. It also says he gets parenting time but that overnights must be here (that last part is fine). Ugh. No way am I signing something that says he still lives here. Overnights occasionally, yeah sure. How did that get by my lawyer? She had been pressing him for a move out date.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Has anyone else divorced or separated from someone in the military? In the agreement, the word "deployed" is used...he's actually having a permanent change of station. He now lives in SC. Is it that his lawyer is unaware of the difference, or is it that it's also considered being deployed?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Today was my mental exam for my disability case. It went well, I think. I have a packet of info to fill out and send in. That should be all I have to do. Please pray it goes through so I'll be able to be financially independent no matter what happens with all of this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am sipping some pink champagne and am planning to fill up the tub in a little bit and relax. I'm so exhausted. I quit my babysitting job last week because it was getting to be too much for me trying to get there on time, stay awake for 5 hrs straight, and drive home. My house is a wreck from end to end. I need a vacation from stress.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Well, thank you all for your support. Over and out for tonight.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
<p>I'm a veteran.  My understanding is that a PCS is a long term deployment since the service member is a US citizen and will likely return to the US to live.  I think the word "deployment" is probably something that you should ask your lawyer about though, because it could give the wrong impression about the type of absence (PCS vs. TDY).  And no way would I sign that he could still live there with you!  I'm glad you caught that.  I can just imagine him trying to wreak havoc on your life for his 30 day leave and pulling the (signed) agreement out saying that he can still live/stay there.  Legally, he should have to change his Home Of Record if you are the only person in the state that he has legal ties to (I think).  But then again, I knew people who would use a HOR of whatever state deducted the fewest taxes even though they might have never been there. <img alt="eyesroll.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/eyesroll.gif">  Another thing, there is the Soldier and Sailors Act that prevents you from filing for divorce while he is overseas, and I'm not sure how it would effect something that was already filed and in court rather than being a new case.  But I just wanted to add that to your awareness in case it's helpful.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm glad you got your disability appointment done.  Good luck on getting it through. <img alt="Peace.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/Peace.gif"></p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
<p>Great info, thanks, Theia. I will make sure my lawyer points that out if we end up in front of a judge for the final settlement. It bothers me because the word "deployment" denotes an involuntary move that puts him in horrible potentially dangerous conditions. In reality he's just going to school for another year and a half, in one of the most beautiful cities in the US.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I called my lawyer and she said she thinks we'd lose the supervised overnights if we said he couldn't live here when he's back. Best we can do for now. Luckily, right now anyway, he's showing no interest in DD at all. If he becomes disruptive to my life, as in shows up unannounced (as he loves to do), she can address that. He's already repeatedly opened my mail, been verbally abusive in front of DD, and I've called the cops on him twice, all which is clearly documented and addressed by my lawyer in writing to him and his lawyer (and not contested). So, at least he knows I'm not intimidated and will take steps to keep him in check. Hopefully, he'll be happy hanging out down in SC w/his beer buddies, watching football, and playing video games and won't want to face the dragon (me) to get to his daughter.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, now I'm going to focus on other things. I have 40 lbs to lose, or at least my post-baby belly and back fat, a house to get cleaned up, cookies to (hopefully) bake, and a dog that needs some exercise. DD is doing her morning singing routine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hope you all are having a great week so far. Thanks again for your support.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,488 Posts
<p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>bananabee</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283710/celebrating#post_16099049"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br>
I called my lawyer and she said she thinks we'd lose the supervised overnights if we said he couldn't live here when he's back. Best we can do for now. Luckily, right now anyway, he's showing no interest in DD at all. If he becomes disruptive to my life, as in shows up unannounced (as he loves to do), she can address that. He's already repeatedly opened my mail, been verbally abusive in front of DD, and I've called the cops on him twice, all which is clearly documented and addressed by my lawyer in writing to him and his lawyer (and not contested). So, at least he knows I'm not intimidated and will take steps to keep him in check. Hopefully, he'll be happy hanging out down in SC w/his beer buddies, watching football, and playing video games and won't want to face the dragon (me) to get to his daughter.</div>
</div>
<p><br>
since he shows very little interest in dd and likely would not want to take her overnight anyway, i would get the orders changed to state he does not live there, so he has not right to be there.  i would want to know that i'm safe in my home and could make him leave at any time (even if you decide you will let him do overnight visits in your home - which my parents did).  you need to have the right to make him leave.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
<p>I would, but I really think my lawyer's right. It fits with the pattern, too. As long as I offer things and he can't paint me as a bitch, there's no reason for him to fight me, so he doesn't have a reason to be around to bother me. If it comes up, I still have a place to flee to with DD, and can point out he's had a PCS (permanent change of station) and can force him to show his orders in court if necessary. I think I have a right to know where he lives, too, and he's going to have to get some sort of address there, I think. So...that is something we can battle about if we have to. If I want to play underhanded, I can tell our auto insurance that he doesn't live here anymore, and they'd go after him to get his real address, which would show on our bill which I could access online or by phone/mail. But I don't like to do things like that unless I have to. I can also lock the deadbolt, to which there is no key, and he can't get in. I'm planning to rekey the locks and/or change the locks after I get some money on the 10th.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I keep thinking that in a few more days I'll feel rested but I keep waking up exhausted. Once things are in writing...once I get help cleaning up my house...once I have that thyroid biopsy next week...once I leave for Christmas...once I get back after Christmas...next year...</p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
950 Posts
<p>I am a military member, and I don't think that a PCS is the same as a deployment at all.  A PCS, even to another country, is not in the same category to the military as a deployment.  Pay and benefits are different, and a PCS within the US requires that your home of record change UNLESS you intend to move back to the place you currently claim as your home of record, when your military service is over.  Even then you have to maintain "intent" to move back - property ownership, voter registration, etc.  Him claiming your house as his home of record seems very bad to me! </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It doesn't make any sense either, since the state he is PCSing to has an 8.8% income tax rate, vs 9.4% in your state.  There may be other (tax, etc) benefits to retaining your state as his HOR that I don't know about.  It just seems very fishy to me.  Is this agreement temporary?  I would NOT be comfortable with it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It just seems like a convenient excuse for him, if/when he comes to visit his daughter, to not have to fork over the money for a hotel or whatever.  But the consequences to you could be very bad, if he wanted to press the issue.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,234 Posts
<p>Knowing what I know about controlling and abusive guys, I would die on that hill of not letting him claim my house as his permanent address. It's about control, y'know? It's one more way he can access you. I think it's really smart to compromise and give him certain things to not trigger his NPD need to control you, but I would be terrified of him having future access to you in your own home.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Pirogi</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283710/celebrating#post_16100448"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I am a military member, and I don't think that a PCS is the same as a deployment at all.  A PCS, even to another country, is not in the same category to the military as a deployment.  Pay and benefits are different, and a PCS within the US requires that your home of record change UNLESS you intend to move back to the place you currently claim as your home of record, when your military service is over.  Even then you have to maintain "intent" to move back - property ownership, voter registration, etc.  Him claiming your house as his home of record seems very bad to me! </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It doesn't make any sense either, since the state he is PCSing to has an 8.8% income tax rate, vs 9.4% in your state.  There may be other (tax, etc) benefits to retaining your state as his HOR that I don't know about.  It just seems very fishy to me.  Is this agreement temporary?  I would NOT be comfortable with it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It just seems like a convenient excuse for him, if/when he comes to visit his daughter, to not have to fork over the money for a hotel or whatever.  But the consequences to you could be very bad, if he wanted to press the issue.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
Could you elaborate on what consequences you mean exactly? I just wrote to my lawyer and explained to her the difference between deployment and PCS...my signature on the current agreement is in the mail to her, but she says she's waiting for the document in the mail since STBX's atty sent it to her old address. So we have a couple days to make changes before it's all final.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I can't wait for this all to be over.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tonight I'm de-stressing by ignoring my extremely messy house and writing Christmas cards. Tra la la la la, la la la la.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
950 Posts
<p>I don't know you or your STBX of course.  And I hope that nothing happens and it all passes quickly.  But I worry about an abusive man who is able to claim your house as his home.  Would he come and begin abusing you?  I don't know what his history is, if he has been physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally abusive, etc.  What could you do if that happens?  The only way you could truly be safe is to leave your own home if that happens.  I know you said you have a place to go, which is great!  But I wonder if it is worth it to agree that he "lives there" whenever he is in town?  I just wouldn't be comfortable with agreeing that an abusive person could continue to live in my home.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't mean to overstep my boundaries here.  I just want you to be safe!</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,345 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
<p>You're not overstepping! I need feedback from you ladies here to make sure I'm handling all sides of things. I really appreciate it!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I talked to my atty again, and she says we'll just get an Order restraining him from the marital residence if he goes through my mail or does anything appropriate again. She also understands "deployment" is not accurate regarding STBX's situation, and if we need to address things later, we'll come up with a new agreement and go sit in front of a judge if necessary.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I love my atty. She really seems to have a handle on the situation now. I think it's good I've expressed my concerns over and over, esp by email, because all that is documentation that may help protect me having sole physical custody in court later if it becomes a battle.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Okay...now I have GOT to try to get this house cleaned up a little. It is a disaster.</p>
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top