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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey mamas, I haven't been around too much because school has me totally swamped. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Right now I'm totally disgusted with E & don't want any part of him (except dd) including his name. When we got married and I took his name sort of as a gift to him. I knew it meant a lot to him & I didn't really care either way. But now if we're not together, I don't want a name that doesn't reflect my heritage.<br><br>
I'm in school right now & starting to make contacts & I'll have my degree so the name thing has taken on some urgency & if I'm going to do it, now is probably the time. I really don't want his last name but am also wondering about dd...having different last names, the not wanting the same last name taking it as a reflection on her as she gets older (I hope that makes sense), or is really not that big of a deal? Or does this feeling about stbx pass?<br><br>
Arg...I'm rushed so I hope that all came out right, but I'm looking for btdt &/or some general input.<br><br>
Thanks!
 

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I'm in a different but similar name problem...I didn't take ex's name, but dd1 has just his name and dd2 has ours hyphenated. For dd1, her "second" middle name is my first name, but we've always in practice used her name as hyphenated and she thinks of herself as having it that way. When I registered her for kindergarten, though her legal name reared its ugly head.<br><br>
So I had to ask her dad if we could legally change her last name to the hyphenated version. He's thinking about it.<br><br>
Is that a possibility for your daughter? Is the divorce final? Could that be part of the divorce decree, that her name becomes hyphenated? Would that make you feel better and how would she feel about it?<br><br>
Just some thoughts, hope you come to a good resolution!<br>
Jennifer
 

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I was never married to ex but DD has his last name (we were planning on getting married and I was going to change my name as well). I would really like DD to have my last name so I am going the route of the PP and trying to get a hyphanated version. Ex is hesitant...<br>
It's important to me because I truely feel like I am the one who is raising her, she is my daughter and I want her name to reflect that. It just doesn't seem right to me that the only part of her parentage that is reflected in her name is the side that contributes next to nothing to her upbringing and will undoubtedly be a source of constant disappointment for DD in the future.<br>
If you do decide to change your name back to your maiden name and you think that DD's last name might become an issue for you or DD (either legally or emotionally) in the future I would try to address it now during the divorce. It's much harder to change things later down the road.<br>
Robin
 

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I have ex's last name and so does DS, I plan on keeping my married name so DS and I will have the same last name. Ex is kind of pissed that I still have his name (Actually it is his GF that is more pissed) but I really don't care, I want the same last name as my DS and that is all there is to it. I don't see my name as a reflection of ex at all, Its just me and DS's family name.
 

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My Ds has my last name I do not have X's last name we never got that far (thank G-d) But My mother took her maiden name back ASAP after their divorice my sister and I kept our fathers last name we never looked at it in any way negitive twords us. I was young at the time and just asked her why our names are different and she just told me... that she wanted her name from when she was growing up. She told me that she has the same last name as Babci and Dziadzi and I have the same last name as grandma and grandpa but it doesn't make me any less her daughter. If you feel so strongly about changeing your name back then you should!<br><br>
Karen and BabY Joe
 

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i want to keep my married name. Not only is it My DD but also i just like it more than my madien name. I dont like my x but his name i can live with. Plus i think it is easier b/c it is my DDs name as well.
 

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I would keep the same name as your dd (unless you can agree to hyphenate) - I grew up with a different name than my mom and it's a pain to explain (especially when you throw in a step-father and two brothers with his last name and some of us with 2 last names etc. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nut.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nut"> )<br><br>
When ex and I split up, I changed my name and ds's name to my mom's maiden name (my "first" last name) - it was like a clean slate after all the drama. It's nice not to have to explain things every time you fill out a form. If you can't change the child's name (I had to be sneaky about it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief"> ), then I would just keep your married name.
 

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I used to feel like keeping my name the same as my DCs name but since have decided to take back everyones rightful names. I am dropping both of my last names and using just my first and mid name. DS is going to start using his correct name and DD shares her last name with her dad (DS has my maiden last name and is not Xs bio child___but his child of heart)<br><br>
I know it sounds confusing but it just seems right. I've had a major change of mind, I used to want us to all have the same last name. To me, this feels liberating...that's just me KWIM?
 

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You know, BK makes a good point - I think names are very powerful and you should do what feels right to you and makes you feel empowered. If your maiden name has a lot of personal meaning to you (because of your heritage, like you said) then that should mean more than mundane details like doctors office forms.
 

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My kids all have 4 names, with their 3rd name being my maiden name. I just write it as a 2-word last name now (no hyphen), and XH doesn't care. I didn't change my name when I got married, but did change it when my first child was born, because it felt like a unifying step in becoming a family. I had no doubts at all about going back to my maiden name, and I can safely say that if I ever marry again, my name will not change.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks for all the great responses! I really appreciate everyone's input.<br><br>
A little more background...the hypen wouldn't work, too alliterative & would be quite a mouthful. I wouldn't burden her with that. Stbx would never agree to changing her name.<br><br>
I don't have such an attachment to my maiden name, except the fact that I want to get rid of E's name. His name unquestionably reflects his heritage. I'm a total mix, but none of what he is. I don't have anything against it but it reflects none of me, if that makes sense.<br><br>
The problem I have with my maiden name is I had issues with my father when he was alive & I don't closely identify with it, but it was mine.<br><br>
I've also been thinking about using my mother's maiden name but it is very common (one of the 2 or three most common surnames). My given name, which isn't very common would balance it, but still not sure.<br><br>
I know in the big scheme of things, it's not a huge issue, but I also agree with what pp said about names being a powerful thing.<br><br>
I think dd is young enough to just accept that we have different names if that's all she knows. I don't know how to really articulate what I mean about rejecting his name and rejecting a part of him (herself). She is quite sensitive and I could see her taking it this way, although I do like the parts of grandparents names.<br><br>
Now, back to my school work<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: .
 

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bu's mama<br> The problem I have with my maiden name is I had issues with my father when he was alive & I don't closely identify with it said:
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I also have issues with my father and that was a hard one for me to pass that name on to my Ds I thought of giving him my mothers last name but decided that I was giving him <i>MY</i> last name and that the name was <i>MINE</i> I would not change my name if I ever married not becasue of Ds but because my name is who I am like you said it just feels right. If you are not comfortable with your name then that is not the name you should have. I feel that a name is <i><span style="text-decoration:underline;">not</span></i> just a name it is who you are, how you are perceived as a person and in some ways makes you feel and live the way that you do (but I have researched numerology so that is why I feel that way<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"> )<br><br>
Karen and Baby Joe
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Jilian</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have ex's last name and so does DS, I plan on keeping my married name so DS and I will have the same last name. Ex is kind of pissed that I still have his name (Actually it is his GF that is more pissed) but I really don't care, I want the same last name as my DS and that is all there is to it. I don't see my name as a reflection of ex at all, Its just me and DS's family name.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:
 
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