[Comtessa]

So, we're three weeks away from our due date, and DH is still freaked out about our HB plans. We can't possibly change plans now - we've paid the midwives' deposit, had the home visit, informed our OB that he's our backup in case of emergency, etc. But DH is still so incredibly anxious and negative about the whole thing that I'm worried that in labor he's not going to be able to handle it - and that after the birth, he'll just be relieved that the stress is over, rather than having changed his mind about home birth.

A big part of the issue is that he feels like I'm taking the decision away from him and not considering his feelings on the matter. (After months of arguing about it, I finally just said, "I am having a home birth and you cannot stop me." In hindsight, this was a poor decision, but I was so stressed out about not having a decision made that I just needed to do it.)

One MW suggested during our home visit that perhaps he needs to have some control over the decision, in order to come to terms with it. So, I am considering telling him the following: "Honey, I love you and I want you to know that I appreciate your opinions and your feelings. If it is this important to you that we birth this baby in the hospital, and if you are this frightened about a home birth, I will go to the hospital. My feelings about the hospital and about home birth have not changed; I will definitely be more anxious and frightened in the hospital, I will definitely have a more negative experience, and I am much more likely to develop complications in labor. But if, knowing all of these things, and knowing how important a homebirth is to me, you still want us to go to the hospital, I will go."

The hope, of course, is that he will be able to "come around" and offer his FULL support of the homebirth, as a gift to me, rather than being dragged kicking and screaming into it.

However, it could backfire badly: if he is truly as terrified of home birth as he appears to be right now, he might just jump at the chance to get me "safely" into a hospital, regardless of how much I abhor the idea.

I love him more than anything in the world and I am aware that the anxiety and feeling of helplessness is hurting him dreadfully. I want to trust him to come around and support me as much as he promises he will. So my question is this: is it worth the risk to "go there" at this point? And, if he insists on a hospital birth at this point, what do I do then???

 

[MegBoz]

Sorry you're going through this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Comtessa My feelings about the hospital and about home birth have not changed; I will definitely be more anxious and frightened in the hospital,

Tough one. First, WOULD you go if he said, "YES, please go to the hospital!"?? if not, then I would not say it. He'll only feel like you've betrayed his trust if you offer it, then don't follow through.

However, even if you don't intend to go, I suppose it migiht not hurt to try to discuss it again - to try to make him feel like you're respecting his feelings.

Have you highlighted the fact that, literally, from a physiological standpoint, you CAN"T give birth if you're anxious, fearful & stressed?! (I think it was in Ina May's Guide to childbirth where I read that female antelope can have their cervix close back up again under stress in order to get up & run from prey. Why would we not think that our human sphincters are shy & don't want to open in a hostile, strange, upsetting ennvironment?

I think Americans are so accostomed to viewing birth as a medical event that belongs in the hospital. & we're alos so accostomed to viewing the mind & body as disconnected. But literally... most women almost CAN"T birth in a hostile environment. It wont' WORK properly! Asking you to give birth in a place you abhor is like asking you to jog a marathon with no food for days. it may be within the realm of possibilty, but it's unlikely to function properly & likely to fail - the body just doesn't work that way. It's physiology!

Just a thought - if you described it in terms of physiological function as opposed to personal preferences. Might make it easier for him to accept... HE is stressed with HB, whereas YOU are stressed with the hospital... but in this case, you not being stressed is simply necessarily much more important.

Good Luck!!

 

[super mamabug]

I don't like it. First you are offering something false and second even if you do mean it it sounds manipulative. Hey, hubby if you want me to be miserable go ahead I'll do what you want. I don't like it at all.
Personally I think it would be better to admit that you overruled him, that there probably was a better way. Give him that. Apologize for not including him in this decision. Then explain again how wonderful you want this birth to be and how important his involvement is in it. The decision is made, you can't go back on it, but you can show regret at how that decision was reached. Then ask him how he wants to participate and give him the opportunity to tell you how he can support you in this. Then it comes from him and not you.

 

[trauerweidchen]

This is a tough one. I, too, would hesitate to tell him that you'll change back to a hospital birth unless you really mean it. If he's still having an emotional reaction to the idea of a home birth, he might not rationalize what you are saying about the hospital not being ideal for you, but might just hear "I'll go to the hospital if you say so".

Have either of you made any progress on why he's so afraid of your home birth? (Did he see this new study on home birth in the Netherlands? http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7998417.stm) It still seems to me that if he were really rational about this, he'd be on your side even if he were still emotionally a bit nervous. Something doesn't seem to be getting through here.

As far as giving him some control over the decision, are there any "middle ground" decisions that he could make that might help him feel that he's part of the process, such as helping decide who will be at the birth, or if he can catch the baby or not, or writing a "birth plan" together that includes some comforting guidelines for transferring if something comes up during the birth?

I'm all for compromise, and only you can decide if you're really willing to revisit the birth location decision, but I'd hate for there to be resentment on your part toward him because you felt he "forced" you into a hospital birth where things happened that you weren't on board with. Sure, he can resent you for forcing a home birth, too, but let's be honest--this is a much bigger deal for you physically and probably emotionally than it is for him. It's not that his feelings don't matter, but physiologically speaking, you're the one giving birth and you're going to remember it for the rest of your life in a more visceral way. (Or so I'm told, anyway.)

The sad thing is, it always seems that when I hear stories about things going awry in the hospital, as long as a healthy baby and a fairly healthy mother are the result then no one really questions the rest of what happened or whether it was appropriate. "The hospital is where it isn't your fault." (I can't remember exactly where that quote is from-someone in Pregnant in America, I think.) I wonder if your husband isn't buying into this a little bit.

Hang in there-I really hope things work out for both of you.

 

[Mamafreya]

Quote:

Originally Posted by super mamabug I don't like it. First you are offering something false and second even if you do mean it it sounds manipulative. Hey, hubby if you want me to be miserable go ahead I'll do what you want. I don't like it at all. Personally I think it would be better to admit that you overruled him, that there probably was a better way. Give him that. Apologize for not including him in this decision. Then explain again how wonderful you want this birth to be and how important his involvement is in it. The decision is made, you can't go back on it, but you can show regret at how that decision was reached. Then ask him how he wants to participate and give him the opportunity to tell you how he can support you in this. Then it comes from him and not you.

I agree with this. I think that either way you take this whole thing someone gets the shaft. It sucks, but in this case I think that it's very important for you to be relaxed and if it's home that makes you more relaxed then that's where you should birth.

I think it would be important to tell him that you do understand that it upsets him that you chose homebirth without his blessing and that you'd understand if it was too much for him to participate. I also think that if you said that then you'd really truly have to be okay with it if he chose not to be there for the birth. Maybe you could write something down and give it to him that way. Sometimes letters are easier to write and your feelings get through in a more efficient way.

Have you asked him if there was anything that you could do/implement during your homebirth that would make him feel more comfortable with it? Maybe there is something that you could do or have on hand that would help ease his mind. I don't know, a doula might be a saving grace in this case. Someone to be there for you just incase he can't handle it and needs to distance himself without feeling like he's trapped. You know, if you had a doula maybe he would feel a bit of relief with the burden of responsibility. I don't know, maybe he's afraid that he won't know what to do for you at home. At the hospital his job is very different, there are only so many things that he's responsible for but at home it's a whole different ball game. Of course, if it's purely a safety issue then maybe you could agree to something like pitocin after the baby is born or whatever. (Not saying you should do that specifically, just using that as an example.)

I hope this whole thing works out for you both and that you both are happy with the outcome. Good Luck!

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[shellnurse]

this seem odd to me... it seems like it's a safety concern or worry that they won't provide the right support that gives guys anxiety around HB, but you say the anxiety is caused by his not having a say in the decision? Am I right about that part?

I may be misunderstanding where he is coming from, but I wonder if you can find out what exactly is giving him pause. Maybe present the HB section from Thinking Woman's Guide to a better birth, Ina Mae's guide to Childbirth, basically whatever made you feel HB was right for you.

As a NICU Nurse I can tell you that being in the hospital is NOT necessarily safer for mom or baby.

I think telling him you will go, even though you don't want to be in the hospital is shooting yourself in the foot.

Hope things work out!!!! Good luck!

 

[GoldmanBaby09]

I agree that the reverse psychology angle is playing with fire. I wouldn't go there because the chances of it backfiring are great and you shouldn't have to give up the birth you want for him. Ultimately, it is between your body and your baby and you have to do what is best for you! Have you made him educate himself? Has he read about the process or watched a video of a homebirth? Business of Being Born the movie is good as is The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. I found this on another website:
I asked him to think about when he needs to take a big poo, like one that requires some work to get out and maybe even some pain. Imagine if you couldn't do that privately - but had to be up on a table, with a spotlight on your butt, people sticking their fingers in to see if the poo was coming yet, telling when and how to push it out, everybody staring at you. How would that go? He agreed that it would probably inhibit the process more than help it. So then I asked him to consider being able to go into his own private bathroom where he's relaxed and comfortable, to just sit and concentrate and do what he needed to do - going along with his body's urges to get it out; relaxing when he needs to, working on it when he needs to. That made sense to him.

Can you try and explain it to him that way? You don't want him to be so nervous that he is going to be a distraction to you in labor, but I definitely think that knowledge is power. the more he knows about it, the better he will feel. A lot of people are heavily indoctrinated to the OB model of care, and it can take some convincing, but untimately, he should do what is going to be best to support you and your choices. GL!

 

[Full Heart]

I honestly don't think the guilt approach will work. He would probably jump at any opportunity to get you to the hospital and he might be offended that you thought you could manipulate him that way.

Do you think you can get him to read The Nature of Birth and Breastfeeding by Michel Odent? Its a very easy read, a short book, but very full of information. It talks about the need for privacy and security.

I think I would just tell him that you want to try this. If it gets too hard, if things don't work out you can transfer to the hospital. However if things go badly at the hospital you really can't go home. He can still have his way if things don't work out, however you couldn't get yours if things don't work out. Does that make sense?

I am really sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[notjustmamie]

If you are willing to go to the hospital to appease him, I suppose the statement you suggested it okay ... but what is he upset about? If he's really worried about "safety," have him read the studies or talk to your midwife. If he's worried about the lack of control, tell him he'll have considerably much less control the second you set foot in the hospital. If he's just freaking out because you're nearly ready to have a baby, well, he needs to grow up and start acting like a man, already.

Personally, I wouldn't be willing to go to the hospital just because my husband was getting cold feet. I've been there with one and have no desire to repeat the experience. You could always tell him when it's time, he can head to the hospital.

 

[Emmeline II]

There only two opinions here: yours and his.

If you differ, someone's has to "win" out. Since you know you are not making a reckless decision and you are the one birthing the baby, you "win".

 

[Amber Lion]

Quote:

Originally Posted by super mamabug I don't like it. First you are offering something false and second even if you do mean it it sounds manipulative. Hey, hubby if you want me to be miserable go ahead I'll do what you want. I don't like it at all. Personally I think it would be better to admit that you overruled him, that there probably was a better way. Give him that. Apologize for not including him in this decision. Then explain again how wonderful you want this birth to be and how important his involvement is in it. The decision is made, you can't go back on it, but you can show regret at how that decision was reached. Then ask him how he wants to participate and give him the opportunity to tell you how he can support you in this. Then it comes from him and not you.

I totally agree with this.

I'm a firm believer in "your body, your choice" on where to give birth. I realize that our DP's are involved, that they have a stake in this and it's their child too, but YOU and only YOU are going to give birth to this baby and therefore I think your feelings on the matter rightfully trump his. That sucks for him and I can see why he's not happy about that. But offering a choice that you're not really willing to make isn't going to make the situation better.

 

[19spitfire]

I agree with most everyone else...bad idea. It may make him feel more in control, but unfortunately he is just back up in this situation. You ARE the one who needs to make the final decision. This does not mean that you have to discount his feelings and worries though. Dh and I both had worries and fears about having a hb, but we talked them through. It just so happens that the worries and fears about hb were a lot less that those we would have had for a hospital birth. I hope he gets a more positive attitude for your sake. Is he well informed about homebirth?

 

[rebeccalynn]

I would suggest that you talk with your dh at length about what he is not okay with and really spend time on that. With my dh, we had to really dig and figure it out and even then after he was "ok" these fears would creep back in b/c he would kind of forget that we already worked out all of those what ifs and that he was okay with it now. We ended up writing out a lot of his "hang ups" and why he was eventually ok with it so that he could go back and read it at any time.

 

[Comtessa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebeccalynn We ended up writing out a lot of his "hang ups" and why he was eventually ok with it so that he could go back and read it at any time.

This is good advice, thanks.
Actually, thanks, everyone, for the good advice.

I had a conversation with him about this last night, and I took some of your advice - apologized for steamrolling him, for one thing, and assured him that I wouldn't "pull rank" like this about other parenting decisions. I also said to him, "if you are really going to be so anxious at home that you can't handle it, I need to know that, because I need to consider changing my mind about this home birth based on whether or not you will be there to support me. I can't do this alone, you are my partner and I need you at my side. Are you going to be able to support me in this, or do we need to rethink our plans at this point?"

It was the right way to go, I think. Because I expressed a willingness - though certainly not a desire - to reconsider the home birth based on his feelings, he felt like he was being heard and respected. And he was able to say to me, "I don't want to pressure you into doing something that you really can't do. I know the home birth is what you want, and I'm scared of what might happen with you in the hospital because you hate it so much. So, I'll be here, and I'll support you no matter what."

It might not be the end of the conversation, but it's feeling easier now.

Interestingly, there is one thing that has helped: at his urging, we have been seeing an OB and attending a hospital-based birth class (in addition to appointments with our HB midwives and our homebirth-oriented childbirth classes). So, he has really had the opportunity to observe the difference in my comfort level between the two "worlds." He said to me last night, "when you're around medical people, you are always on the defensive, and it makes you seem like a different person. You can never relax. I don't want you trying to do that while you're in labor."

: I was *SO GLAD* to hear him say that!!! I never thought he'd see it that way! It comes awfully late - it's been a stressful 37 weeks, let me tell you!!! But better late than never, I say...

Thanks for keeping me strong and sane, everybody...

 

[Mamafreya]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Comtessa This is good advice, thanks. Actually, thanks, everyone, for the good advice. I had a conversation with him about this last night, and I took some of your advice - apologized for steamrolling him, for one thing, and assured him that I wouldn't "pull rank" like this about other parenting decisions. I also said to him, "if you are really going to be so anxious at home that you can't handle it, I need to know that, because I need to consider changing my mind about this home birth based on whether or not you will be there to support me. I can't do this alone, you are my partner and I need you at my side. Are you going to be able to support me in this, or do we need to rethink our plans at this point?" It was the right way to go, I think. Because I expressed a willingness - though certainly not a desire - to reconsider the home birth based on his feelings, he felt like he was being heard and respected. And he was able to say to me, "I don't want to pressure you into doing something that you really can't do. I know the home birth is what you want, and I'm scared of what might happen with you in the hospital because you hate it so much. So, I'll be here, and I'll support you no matter what." It might not be the end of the conversation, but it's feeling easier now. Interestingly, there is one thing that has helped: at his urging, we have been seeing an OB and attending a hospital-based birth class (in addition to appointments with our HB midwives and our homebirth-oriented childbirth classes). So, he has really had the opportunity to observe the difference in my comfort level between the two "worlds." He said to me last night, "when you're around medical people, you are always on the defensive, and it makes you seem like a different person. You can never relax. I don't want you trying to do that while you're in labor." : I was *SO GLAD* to hear him say that!!! I never thought he'd see it that way! It comes awfully late - it's been a stressful 37 weeks, let me tell you!!! But better late than never, I say... Thanks for keeping me strong and sane, everybody...

Oh, this is wonderful news!

: I am soooooo glad for you two. Yay!

:

:

: Congrats that you guys have been able to work towards both of you being comfortable with this. Now you guys can start focusing on getting to see your little one soon. I bet you can't wait to have him/her in your arms. I'm happy for you mama.

 

[billikengirl]

What a fantastic update! And not a moment too soon! Happy birthing, mama!

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[trauerweidchen]

That's wonderful news! I'm really glad for both of you that you tried to talk it out again; it sounds like it helped both of you. Best wishes for a more relaxing next few weeks and a beautiful birth together.

 

[98741]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Comtessa Interestingly, there is one thing that has helped: at his urging, we have been seeing an OB and attending a hospital-based birth class (in addition to appointments with our HB midwives and our homebirth-oriented childbirth classes). So, he has really had the opportunity to observe the difference in my comfort level between the two "worlds." He said to me last night, "when you're around medical people, you are always on the defensive, and it makes you seem like a different person. You can never relax. I don't want you trying to do that while you're in labor."

This would totally drive me crazy and be a huge investment of time, but the fact that he was able to view first hand your body reactions is wonderful! I am so happy for you! Do you have a doula to support both of you thru birth? My husband also didn't want a homebirth and I pretty much put my foot down like you did. It was our second birth so I knew he was amazing birth support but I was worried about his nervousness about being at home. We had our doula from our first birth come and it was very calming for him to have support and it was good for me too! I highly recommend interviewing a few doulas together and seeing what you think if you haven't yet. 37 isn't too late either and most doulas love an opportunity to attend a homebirth!

 

[19spitfire]

Wow! congratulations! and

 

[XanaduMama]

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Wishing you a beautiful home birth! Looking forward to seeing a happy birth story very soon.