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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Thanks in advance to any support and advice...<br><br>
I'm exactly seven weeks into a tandum nursing relationship with my two and a half year old ds and newborn dd. Things are rocky... many ups and downs. Mostly it's hard to control my urge to scream when ds asks for the tenth time to nurse. I've been encouraging him to say please instead of just demanding "I want to nurse" and expecting me to drop everything and instantaneously have a breast in his mouth. He's in this infuriating phase of repeating his request over and over and over and over... even if I've said yes and am in the process of sitting down and lifting my shirt up. I find myself raising my voice to get him to snap out of the broken record... "OKAY DS! I SAID YES, you can nurse now!" If he has to wait because I'm trying to get dd to sleep... he has the patience of a two year old (LOL)...<br><br>
MY point is that I am trying so hard to remain calm and remember that he is two... this is done by taking a deep breath and thinking warm loving thoughts about ds. However, the other day he was pretending that he was me and I was him and asking me to nurse (he's very into pretending lately)... when I did (just resting my head on his covered chest) he started huffing and puffing like he was irritated. It really made me see things from his point of view. I don't want him to think that nursing him is so irritating to me, even though sometimes it is. I think this may be why he demands it so much... although I'm physically nursing him I'm not giving him the emotional nurturing that he is craving.<br><br>
I'm trying to change my emotional response (which I can't control) by outwardly smiling when I take my deep breath... saying outloud that I love ds and giving him a kiss... this seems to help quench the flames and I feel more peaceful about it.<br><br>
I find that I'm in a better mood if I'm not hot, thirsty, hungry, or stinky. When I look at the clock and it's 3 pm and I'm still in my pjs, haven't fed myself anything more than crackers, I just want to scream and pull my hair out.
 

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Just copying an old post.<br><br>
I want to start off by saying I support tandem nursing fully (I have been tandeming for over 2 years).<br><br>
BUT, your body wants you to wean your oldest. Nature does not intend for a mother to be nursing while pregnant. And for most of us that means that nursing our older is often painful or irritating especially during pregnancy and the first few months ppd. All of your bodies hormones, emotions, ect are supposed to be focused inward to support this new life you are growing. It is working against your oldest nursing now.<br><br>
ANOTHER BUT, I also don't think nature intended for me to be able to have kids closer together then 3 (and probably more like 4 or 5 ) years apart. For many reasons --better nutrition then through out our evoultion, drugs, hormones in our food, chemicals around us, living (especially sleeping) in close proximity to a man all of the time, trying hard to space out our childs nursing (espcially at night) and who knows what else) most of us find that our fertility (and subsequent children) returns long before nature expects.<br><br>
And I found that when I accepted that my body was going to push away my older nurser on a more primitive-I have to give my energies to this new life- level, then I could decide on a more intellectual level that I could get through or pass by these feelings.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I can accept that on a primal level my body does not want me to nurse my older child. I was prepared and aware of this before my dd was born and have been amazed at the strength of these primal urges. I have made a concious decision to continue allowing my ds to decide when he needs to nurse...<br><br>
What I want to know is if other tandum nursing moms have been able to change their primal emotional response to nursing thier older child. Some of the things I've mentioned are helping... I also notice that I do not have these feelings if the baby is full and happy. VERY much on a primal level my body just screams out that the little one has to be primary in this relationship (and rightfully so! on a very basic level nursing is her only source of nutrients while ds can eat solid food) I have taken responsiblity to provide for both children by nursing them, but I'd like to minimize the negative emotional impact this response might have on my older child.<br><br>
I think he is even starting to get it... today he was happy with story telling while dd was nursing rather than insisting that he nurse too, I think because he sensed my relief and that I enjoy this much more... I can really connect with both children at the same time rather than just grinning and bearing it when they are both latched on. He's starting to save his nursings for when I can truly just focus on him (dd is sleeping with dh) and I don't have the primal urge to kick him to the curb.
 

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Not BTDT at all, but some thoughts?<br><br>
Do you think you are able to talk to DS and explain a bit about what is going on? I mean not when he asking to nurse and you're a bit irritated and DD needs to be fed, etc. But at a nice quiet time. Something like, "You know, DS, I love you so much. And I want for you to be able to nurse when you need to nurse. But sometimes it's better for you and for mama if we can wait for "special times" to nurse..." etc, etc. Maybe explain (if you think he can handle it) that DD takes up a lot of the milk and sometimes if he can wait until DD is done there will be more milk for him??<br><br>
My DD always handles any type of change or difficult situation much better if I explain every detail to her, and exactly what is going to happen next. I don't know if it's the age or just her personality. Maybe if he feels he has a bit more control over the situation, he won't be so apt to make continual demands?<br><br>
I truly hope you find a situation or solution that works for you!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
gingertre--- what great advice! In almost every aspect of what goes on with ds, we take the time to explain every detail and keep him updated with what is going on... I don't know why it hadn't occured to me to do it in this case. I guess I was so focused on changing my response to his demand, I hadn't thought too much about trying to explain things to him. Today I tried telling him that I'm much more willing to nurse if he asked in a nice way rather than screaming for it and he seems to get it... I just wonder if it is all just too much stress for a two year old to handle
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> Glad I could help. It's funny how we concentrate so hard on some issues that sometimes we don't realize the solutions that may be right in front of us! Hope that it keeps getting better for you!
 

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Goodness... I'm nursing a 23 month old right now and pregnant and sometimes I wish he would find something else to do! I've even found that when I'm holding one of his older siblings, he decides he needs to nurse right now. Not later. Now. I've often longingly thought of a pacifier....sigh. I hope it gets better as he gets older...he'll be 32 months when number 5 (we call it Fluke!) comes. Perhaps he'll settle down. Perhaps I'm crazy! Good luck Ms Kanga! You sound like a rocking mama!
 
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