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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So Dh and i were talking about this last night. He asked what would i do if anything to the other women and i told him i would beat the sh*t out of her and you, but mostly you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief"> and leave. Because i don't beleive that men are these mindless dogs that can't make a concious descision not to give into temptation and cheat. Anyways he agreed and told me he would never cheat on me and i know that but the thing that made me upset was he said he wouldn't cheat on me because of the girls. Meaning he would never want to hurt them. He said this a couple of times. I agreed with that but thinking about it later on i feel upset that he wouldn't think that i would be devasted by it also (which i know he knows i would but it's not the first thing on his mind kwim?). So would this mean if we didn't have the girls it wouldn't be that big of a deal to him? What about when the girls get older would that make it easier for him? I could ask him these questions but i want to know what you mamas think. Have you talked with your DP's about this?
 

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we did...my husband said " If I couldn't come home to you and the girls I don't know what I would do" That was a perfect answer...children solidify a relationship so I think including the children was quite perfect.<br><br>
If this bothers you ask him...I bet he knows you would be devastated and wouldn't hurt you but is also taking the children into consideration which is why he is mentioning them several times.
 

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My dh and I have talked about this before, after hearing of a friend's cheating. If he had cheated on me before ds I might have found a way to work things out. If he cheated on me now, there is no way I could forgive that. If he chose to risk his family he would lose his family. Hurt me, fine, but don't you dare do something that could hurt my babies. I know I could live just fine without him (differently, but I would be fine) but his children will always need him and to put that at risk would be the most selfish thing to me.<br><br>
Maybe that is where he is coming from?<br><br>
Oh and I wouldn't do anything to the woman, she made me no promises.
 

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I agree with Allgirls. For me, it’s not big surprise or disappointment that having kids was the one thing that solidified our relationship. I do think you should ask him if it’s bothering you but I, personally, wouldn’t take offence if having kids is the main reason for him wanting to preserve your relationship. It’s mine.
 

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That answer would bother me a lot.<br>
I'd be thinking: Okay, you wouldn't want the children to be hurt over your actions, but hi-- how about the woman you married-- is she a factor in any of that?!<br>
Yes, it would bother me. My DH is not a very involved father, he is here, but not involved. (We do not have a very healthy relationship, if anyone is wondering, but we're working on it...) So-- to hear that kind of answer would totally irk me. I'd absolutly have called him on it immediatly though, I wouldn't have needed any sinking in time.
 

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Well, my first thought is: I totally would NOT beat the shit out of the mistress. SHE's not the one who made the vow to me. Does she even know he's married? I mean, if she was my sister or best friend, that's one thing, but just anyone? I don't have the emotional energy for that.<br><br>
Second thought is: while I would also find it upsetting to have it stated repeatedly, the reason that the committment to the marriage is so strong, is because of the children...the fact of the matter, that's how it is for me.<br><br>
I mean, I was committed to dh before we made children. BUT, now that we do have kids, that IS one of the first things that springs to mind, if ever I get really upset about "us." Because there is something even MORE important now, than just "us" that is what springs to mind first. That doesn't mean I'd leave him if it weren't for the kids. Not at all. It's just that I <i>especially</i> work at our marriage, because of the kids.<br><br>
That's just how it is in my mind, for a lot of things. I mean, even when I was taking classes, one of the things that kept me going when things got hard was, that I HAD to make it work, especially for dd. Without dd, I'd have no interest in letting myself fail a class. But even still, because she IS here, she does end up coming to mind more and more as the "reason" for things.
 

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Yeah I agree about not doing anything to the other woman... I mean, if she knew he was married she would be an uber skank... but the other posters are right... unless she was like your sister or close girlfriend or something, she has absolutely no loyalty to you (not that it makes it right AT ALL)... and she took no vows to you!!<br><br>
Anywhooo...<br><br>
Maybe your husband meant what the other posters have touched on. I know for me, cheating is NOT an option at all... (that is not to say I never find other men attractive!)... but I feel that while my husband and my love for him would be a big consideration in NOT doing it... my child would be the biggest deterrant of all because it is one thing to end a marriage or whatever but to ruin a whole family would be the worst ya know? Maybe he meant something like that but couldn't articulate it properly...<br><br>
Who knows.. as long as he isn't cheating I probably wouldn't care so much why....<br><br>
I know you mentioned like when your children get older or what if you didn't have them.. and that is valid... but take the next years to work on all that with him then... for now, he is faithful for whatever reason so build on that!
 

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I definitely wouldn't do anything to the other woman. Even if it was my sister or my friend, I wouldn't beat her up, what would that solve? I would however end the friendship, my sister will always be my sister, but we would no longer be friends.<br><br>
My DH and I have talked about this as well. He knows he has one chance. Yes, I will give him 1 chance. If he cheats on me once I can fogive him. It will take a lot of time, a lot of counceling, a lot of begging for forgivness, a lot of kiss my a$$. It will be an incredibly difficult road which will take a long time. He will sleep on the floor in DSs room, or on the couch. If he cheats on me a second time I am gone to CA (we currently live in NC). It will be his responsibility to come and see the children when he can get leave. He will pay child support and alimony, no matter how meagery his paycheck.<br><br>
Now, that said my DH would never cheat on me. In our relationship he loves me more than I love him. That is just the way our relationship has always been. I love him dearly and I wouldn't leave him (unless it was a really good reason) but he just loves me more. He would also be afraid of losing me and the children.<br><br>
If he had a one night stand it would easier for me to forgive him comared to a relationship, which occoured over a period of time. It would hurt more if I know the woman, than if it was a complete stranger. We actually talked about this the other day. Emotional betrayal is much more painful then mearly sexually betrayal. I also told him if he ever decides to cheat she had better be damn sexy, and very pretty or the road would be much rockier and much harder (not exactly sure WHY I feel this way, but I do).<br><br>
As for what your DH said I have to agree with the pps that children are the cement in a marriage. There are a lot of things I would probably do if we didn't have a child. I wouldn't cheat, but it would be much easier for me to just let our relationship go. Or to spend way more time out with my friends, etc. My child(ren) make me want to work on my marriage and to hwlp myself, as well as my DH be better people.
 

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I agree with op- if the only reason he won't cheat is some sort of "obligation" or not wanting to hurt your kids...something is wrong. A spouse shouldn't cheat because they love and respect the other person- period. Sure kids add a new layer to things- he wouldn't want to hurt them either, but it is primarily about the person you love and vowed to be faithful to.<br><br>
I have no idea what I would do if I found out dp cheated on me- because I would be in a rage...I wouldn't beat up the other woman unless she had some sort of loyalty to me such as my sister or friend. In that case- I would bring along a couple of my guy friends and beat the <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/censored.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="censored"> out of her. What would it accomplish? It would teach her to think twice before betraying someone so close to her- and would make me feel a lot better <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/FIREdevil.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="devil"><br><br>
That said, I'm hoping maybe your dh just mis-spoke and really means he never would cheat because of not just you but your family...ask him...can't hurt..
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>LoveChild421</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have no idea what I would do if I found out dp cheated on me- because I would be in a rage...I wouldn't beat up the other woman unless she had some sort of loyalty to me such as my <b>sister</b> or <b>friend</b>. In that case- I would <b>bring along a couple of my guy friends and beat the <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/censored.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="censored"> out of her</b>. What would it accomplish? It would teach her to think twice before betraying someone so close to her- and would make me feel a lot better <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/FIREdevil.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="devil"></div>
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Ok, I just have to repsond to this. I think it's sad that you would beat the living crap out of your sister and/or friend because YOUR HUSBAND couldn't keep his penis in his pants. It takes two to tango... that means it's only 50% the womans fault. I would be very upset but I could never cause harm to a family member or a friend. I wonder what kind of sister you have? What kind of friends?<br><br>
And bring along a couple of guy friends to help beat up one woman. That is just really scary. What kind of guy friends would gang up on a woman and beat her up? I don't want friends like that thankyouverymuch!<br><br>
If you were just kidding... then I appoligize.
 

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Dh did talk about this and my answer was about the same as the OP. I also vowed he would never see his children becase I didn't want them to be raised by someone with no moral center.<br><br>
then he had an affair. OK no sex involved but he was in love with another woman and pretty much abandoned us for her and they would video IM each other and blow kisses and send sweet little messeges and talk badly about me.<br><br>
Oddly enough I didn't beat the crap out of him. I may have hit him a couple of time. If I ever see her I will beat the crap out of her. yes she knew he was married and she didn't give a damn. She selfishly took what she wanted and was no idle partner in the relatioship. she has taken something sacred from me when she should have went on her merry way but instead she pursued a marrried man. no way is she innocent in this. she is a selfish skank who has no concern for anyones needs but her own. No she didn't make vows to me but there is right and wrong and you don't go around tempting and luring married men when you know thier relationship is weak. She took advantage of our situation to have her needs met. So she is just as guilty as dh. She should have shamed him and detested him for what he was doing to us but instead she stoked his ego, played on his lonliness and made it all very easy for him. gave him the perfect place to escape to from his misreable marriage when a real woman would have told him to get off his ass and go tend to his family.<br><br>
IMESHO <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
but odly enough my first instinct was not to beat anyone. I wanted to fight like a crazy person to save my marriage. I have the crazy part down pat. Hopefully my marriage will come aruond.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamalisa</strong></div>
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Oh and I wouldn't do anything to the woman, she made me no promises.</div>
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I totally agree. I have never understood the idea of beating the woman, or taking revenge toward the non-spouse/partner. Anger toward her, probably. But she has no responsibilty or commitment to me. My husband does. She would not be my concern. His choice to have been with her would be my concern.<br><br>
To the OP: We have discussed it, more than once, because they were issues in our previous relationships. We both agree it is a horribly deep, lasting kind of pain we don't ever want to inflict or experience ever again. I'd talk to your Dh about it again if you are concerned. Perhaps he could get more into what he was meaning?</span>
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks for all the responses. I am okay with it now. It just didn't sit well with me at first, but i understand he loves the girls to death and would do anything to protect them from hurt. An affair is a deal breaker for me and Dh knows that. He knows it would be one of the worst things he could do to us. I kind of understand how children can cement a marriage because i don't know if we would be together now if we didn't have children (we married really young and were each others firsts). Our first yr of marriage it was just us two and it was horrible! I was young and scared and seperated from my family with no contact for that first yr (long story). It was hard but then we had Jaylin. When you have children you have to grow up and mature and thankfully my DH has turned out to be a great husband and awesome father. I really should be thankful for that.<br><br>
Also about "beating up the other women" comment we were talking lightheartedly about it. I wouldn't actually do it, but that wouldn't stop me from thinking about it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"> .
 

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I consider the dishonesty about an affair or one-nighter to be the "cheating" part, not the sex with other people, because IMO the latter is natural to a large degree (as history and other cultures show us). To have a truly honest relationship I am even willing to find a way in which to combine honesty with extra-marital stuff, but the lying...that shows me a lack of respect and courage that I find it difficult to forgive or reconcile with my goals for a life partner -type relationship.<br><br>
I understand the hurt feelings by the statement the OP mentions, but to be honest...if it weren't for the children... there's plenty neither of us would put up with in our relationship...so it's an honest answer. I know my dh loves me and doesn't want to be without me, most of the time, no matter how big a pain in the ass I can be (most of the time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief"> ), but I have learned to thicken my skin when I hear comments like that, because they're the truth. The children *are* more important to him, of course, and when I think about it I wouldn't want him to feel any other way.
 
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