[taralv]

I was just wondering how other parents deal with this. My daughter is 4 years old, and since her 7 month old brother was born, she has been saying this more and more to me. We are very close and I nursed her till she was three years old, we still co-sleep, etc... Today she was demanding that I roll her window up in the car and I asked her to ask me nicely please. She would not. I asked her "how would you ask (my friend who she likes a lot) to do it" and she very nicely said "please roll up my window" - then she said " but that's because I like her better". Okay so I acted like a rational adult and told her that it was okay not to like me but she has to act courteously toward me. I don't know. I feel like I want to allow her to feel however she feels, but I'm still a little sensitive about hearing that. What do you all do?

Tara

 

[supervee]

curious what creative things other people will say. Yes, it does hurt when they say things like that even though I know it's just a part of growing up, that separation of self, and I know he doesn't mean it. It still hurts. I try to smile and say "yes you do love me" or "aww, well i love you" and try try try to turn it into laughing. It's hard.

 

[sandrajoon]

:

 

[UUMom]

IMO, 'I don't like you" means. 'I'm angry" or "I'm feeling sad" or "
I'm at wit's end and don't know what else to say".

None of those statements offend me, and I have never taken them personally. What other people say (kids included) is not about me. It's about what they are going through at the time they say them.

When my kids are feeling sad or angry, i give them space, and then i comfort them as needed.

When they cool off (which might take some time) i might say, "Are you ready for a story/a walk/ some painting/blowbubbles/play in the sand box/?" or whatever else is appropriate for the time of day. Depending on their age and size and need, I might hold them, nurse them, comfort them, feed them, whatever.

Different times/different situations call for different words/actions. So it's hard to say exactly how I might approach a sad/tired/upset child. But at any rate, it's not personal. Wee ones get frantic at times, and they need to know the adults in charge are in control & will be there for them as they lose it.

It's a tricky job, but hey, aren't we getting paid to do this? :LOL

 

[supervee]

yes! i always forget this. it's not personal but rather is what they're going through. good reminder.

 

[sandrajoon]

UUMom, will you be my mentor? Or my mother?

 

[taralv]

I wish I could say that I didn't feel hurt when I hear it because I know rationally that she is a child and she's just hurting. I also know that she has the right to be mad at me and even not like me sometimes - I think it's worse when she tells me she likes my friend better than me. She is the wife of one of my husband's co-worker's and we get our kids together pretty often. It's so silly to feel like sensitive about this...I find myself thinking, "wait a minute - I nursed you, carried you everywhere, you still sleep with us and a million other different things that I have done to show you I love you - how can you like her better?! But oh, well. I guess I'm kind of grateful that I have raised her to feel comfortable enough in her own skin that she can move away from me. Just needed a safe place to vent my own insecurities.

Tara

 

[UUMom]

LOL Sandrajoon! Maybe we could trade off. I think we all need mommying sometimes.

If an older child is saying this--- a teen, I might say "I have to say that hurts my feelings". I def have said that sort of thing to a teen. Although, i still know that older children say things out of frustration as well as little ones do. But it's easier to have certain discussions about more appropriate ways of expressing frustration/anger etc with older children.

Sometimes what we say is not always what is truly in our hearts, and that goes for adults, too. Learning to express our needs and emotions in respectful ways is an ongoing challenge for most humans, I think. Families get the brunt of the bad stuff because it's where we feel most safe to express our emotions. Or at any rate, it should be. Our family will continue to love us despite our less than stellar moments.

Tara, fwiw, I think your 4 yr old is probably saying these things in times of fatigue, sadness or frustration. Maybe the grass looks greener over at the neighbors house at times. That's pretty common thinking, right? You could say in a playful voice, "I will love you to the moon and back"-- or something. "You'll be my girl forever and ever". If you are feeling that sad feeling, maybe you could try to have fun and say, "Maybe they have ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and all snacks in between. Maybe we could go live there together". You could add that it's ok to feel frustrated sometimes. And at 4, I might leave it at that. Don't show a great amount of hurt, because sometimes it's frightening for small children to think they have *that* much power over their parents emotions. And the more you feed negatively into it, imo, the more she might do it. Maybe. Or Maybe not. It sounds like you're doing fine.

 

[MountainLovinMama]

I don't feel hurt by this type of thing either, or take it personally. I know Playful Parenting had some helpful tips on interpreting and responding to this type of comment. I don't remember them all, or in great detail, but in sum I think he had some statements like, "I hate you" might mean "I don't want to say good-bye", or "I want more attention" etc, etc, so the important thing is to respond to the underlying message "I don't want to say good-bye", and not let the words get to us. And I think he also said that these types of comments are quite normal!

My dd has only said this a couple times, and my response is usually to give it very little attention (if she thinks she can get a rise out of me with it, I'll surely hear it again!), and say something like, "Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll always love you." I have never felt like her words ever really *mean* "I don't love you" - they usually mean "I'm frustrated with you". I have said to her from time to time, "I really do not like that behavior at all, or I really don't like it when you do X, but I still love you." The book, Mama, Do You Love Me? by Barbara Joosse might be helpful if this is a theme you'd like to explore with your child - the girl in the book asks her mama if she would still love her if she did all sorts of hypothetical naughty things, and the mama replies "I would be worried/angry/upset/etc...but I would still love you...I'll love you forever and ever and always..." I think that can be a reassuring message, and can give them permission to feel upset with us, too, and know that that is okay and doesn't mean that the love it gone.

The last time I remember her saying "I don't like you!", we were in the grocery store and she wanted some "kids" yogurt drink with the flashy packaging and lots of sugar. I said something like, "Yeah, they make that look interesting with those fun pictures, don't they? And they put it right where they know kids will see it so you'll want it. But that kind is not very healthy, and we are not going to buy it today," and I kept walking right past the drinks. She pushed her little kid cart behind me, leaving the tempting drinks behind, and said, "Mama, I don't like you!" I was happy that she had moved past the drinks, and realized that she was saying that to sort of "save face" or get the last word...that was fine with me - she didn't enter a power struggle, and was choosing to follow me rather than stop and make a scene about the yogurt. I said something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Is that because I didn't let you get those drinks?" She pouted and didn't answer, but she was still following me so I just moved right on to something else - will you help me find the XX? And within a few minutes she was happily helping me plan what she wanted to make for dinner that night!

Hope this might be helpful!

 

[A&A]

They're trying to figure out who you are vs. who they are, where their own identity starts, etc. Saying "I don't like you," is part of this separation process for some kids.

They don't really mean it, of course. It doesn't hurt my feelings at all. I just say, "That's ok, you don't have to like me. I'll always love you."

You could also respond with, "You're upset because............" --perhaps give them better words to deal with the feelings that come out in the form of "I don't like you."

 

[Alkenny]

At this age, I've always done like PP's have said and responded that it was too bad, since I loved them.

As they got older, I tried explaining how they could not like someTHING I've done (same as I could dislike someTHING they've done) but it doesn't mean that we don't like the person. Make sense?

 

[4evermom]

I thought it was really funny when my ds at 3 1/2 said "Sometimes I don't like Daddy," because he immediately corrected himself and said "Sometimes I don't like the things Daddy does." :LOL

 

[meemee]

i am a single mom with a 80/20 practical custody (no courts just among us). my dd not only says i dont like u she also says i dont want u, go away mommy, and my way to handle it - my attitude and reactions has always been like UUMom described. i dont take her words litterally but see the meaning behind them which sometimes really means the opposite.

even though logically i accepted this the one comment that would get to me is 'i want daddy - like the grass is greener on the otherside of the fence. i know she didnt mean it. i know she was tired. i know she didnt like that i wasnt letting her get her way. but it still hurt. so one day i told her ok go put on ur shoes. i'll take u to daddy's house. u can stay with him and spend the nigth with him. oh that brought on more tears and a sqeaky sad voice saying no mama i want to stay with u. it was so sad it broke my heart.

since that day no matter what she says to me i dont take it personally anymore. depending on what she wants either i give her space, or we talk about what is making her sad (i dont mention the comment she made to me, i ignore her i dont want u mama, but instead empathise with how hard it must be that she cannot get something) or i just hold her and cuddle her talking to her in a calm voice saying its ok. i know how hard it is.... and ultimately she calms down. sometimes i use humour and her mood changes in a jiffy.

to date i never focus on her direct words or even talk about it. i know i am her only thing. i am the most important peson in her life. her dad is really not interested in her more than what he has to do. and i know she knows that about me and is learning to deal with her dad's situation. she is learning she may want him but he is not there for her. i always ignore her negative words - because they are a reaction. she is not calmly logically saying that to me.

 

[CherryBomb]

Yeah, that can sting. :/

I tell dd "I'm sorry if you feel like that right now, because I love you very much." Usually she responds with a grumpy, "I love you too."

 

[Embee]

For me, taking this kind of thing personally would delay or perhaps even prevent me from meeting the need that it comes from. Remember, these strong words are reserved only for those most beloved and for the one the child knows can really do the most to help. Hang in there.

I would do my best to focus less on the behavior and more on your DD. In particular: meeting the need that the strong feelings/words are trying to express. From your posts, you already have a good understanding of whats bothering her (normal, but tough transition for sure) and now its time to help her through. Have you set aside time for just her since the babe's been born? Are you able at all during the day to just sit down and let her call the shots while you play together?

Someone mentioned Playful Parenting, great advice! You DD is most likely going through a feeling a real powerlessness right now and sometimes just making time to sit, play and let her take the lead is enough to put things right. Provided its happening regularly. Dr. Lawrence Cohen (Author of PP), mentions that most problems between parents and kids is a simple (or not so simple) lack of connection. When people who are usually very connected are feeling disconnected from each other, bad feelings arise and take over. Joining a child in THEIR world (PLAY!), can go far in reconnecting. Share a snuggle, or better yet, a laugh... they spend so much time having to adapt to our schedule and circumstances that when we take time to really be present where they live, its a win/win all around.

The best and hang in there!

Em

 

[UmmBnB]

Ds has been doing this a lot lately when he's angry with us...and that's exactly what it means, "i'm angry with you". I don't get upset about it. I typically just respond something like, "Gee, that's a bummer cause I like you a lot even when I'm mad at you."