[MPJJJ]

I've said it before, but now I am throwing it all out there because I am so completely stuck right now.

So 8 months ago I finally asked my Dh to leave for a second time. We had tried to work things out a year before, but nothing had changed. DH was still very unpredictable in his emotions, lazy in getting into a better state of health (dh is very obese and has a family history of weight related health problems), and had gotten very mean to my kids, and controlling of me.

I met my current DP when he kicked me out of my house before he left. I had no where else to stay, so I stayed with my best friend, and DP is her son. We became good friends, and then started going out, and now we are madly in love and have a home together. (The reason we now live together is because I was eventually evicted from my home, for inability to keep rent, but more on that later.)

DH has been so mean since before the seperation that I had completely lost faith that he would ever change. We had been together for 12 years, married for 10, and it was always the same old excuses. Also, I have been harboring resentment towards him for not moving, even though this is a small town that offers nothing for education, and no job opportunities, so I have been stuck in a rut, going from dead end job to dead end job, while he is happy with his office job and refused to leave. My spiritual goals for my family have remained unmet because there is no UU organization for hours around. Basically this is not the community that I ever wanted to raise my children in.

I have been dating DP for about 7 months now, and I absolutely love him, he is my ideal man. We have so much in common that there is no fighting. He is all into mechanics and gardening (I know, weird combo, LOL), and always has my back. DH, I felt, never really had my back. I know that DP wouldn't hesitate to protect me and my kids if he had to, but DH hates confrontation, and is more likely to just walk away. Basically, DP and DH are complete opposites.

So since the seperation, I have gotten jobs, then gotten laid off. Finding a job here is so hard because there are few jobs, it is a small town, and it's a who you know, not what you know, situation. And I dont know many people because I moved here 5 years ago and I am kind of an introvert. I lived off child support and working when I could, so basically I was able to keep my car current, but everything else fell behind, utilities got shut off, and I was evicted from my home. Now I live with DP.

He is currently unemployed, and like me is looking for a job, but unlike me he draws unemployment. But it just isnt enough to cover all the bills.

Now, 3 weeks until the divorce date, DH is asking for me to come live with him as friends, and try to get to know each other again, and work things out. He lives in this nice little house way out in the country, a huge garage that he says I can use as a portrait studio, and I wouldnt have to worry about paying bills. I can work on building a portraiture business (that is my dream), and being available for the kids. But then I would have to break up with DP, which would be devestating to both of us. The kids and I are his life, and he is so devoted to making this work.

When I am with DH, I don't feel any spark at all... I love him as the father of my children, and want to be friends, but because of what has been said and done, the romantic feelings are completely gone. I want to be with DP. But when I am with DP, I am so worried about bills, and long to be able to work on my business. I am scared.

I don't know what to do! Can I lose the man I love and still be happy? Or would I end up regretting the hard live ahead with him, and giving up my dreams if I stay?

 

[A&A]

Your ex is mean to your kids and mean to you. He doesn't have a right to buy you out of your happiness. Don't let him try.

Can you and dp move somewhere else to try to find jobs? (especially since you're not happy with that community anyway.)

PS. You may find additional support from the "Single Mamas" forum because I'm sure there are women there who have gone through something similar.

 

[Hey Mama!]

Your stbx dh is preying on your fears to try to get you back. I know it may be extremely difficult but I think you should stay with your current dp. Is there a reason why you guys can't move? Who has custody of the kids right now? I know custody issues can make it difficult to just up and move.

 

[mambera]

I'm inclined to say stick with DP as well. Though I am curious to hear what your kids think about the situation, if they are old enough to say?

 

[MPJJJ]

I could move, but I have a 100 radius agreement and there are only a few small towns(and I mean smaller than this one!) and one larger city in the area, and the city is extremely unaffordable to us right now. So I'm just stuck.

The places I REALLY want to move, that have the environmental organizations and churches I want to attend, are way out of the radius.

 

[MPJJJ]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mambera I'm inclined to say stick with DP as well. Though I am curious to hear what your kids think about the situation, if they are old enough to say?

My youngest child, who is 6, initially wants me and his daddy to live together, but he says if we get a game cube like his daddy has, then he will want to live with me and DP.
My 2 older children, who are 8 and 10, are undecided. They love their Dad, but at this point seem unable to decide who they want me to be with, because they are aware of their dad's issues, and they say that DP is nicer to me.

 

[Porcelain Interior]

I think personally (you can read my emotionally unavailable people thread) that you need to prepare in your mind how you would feel living with the man you left. Truly the odds of him changing in any meaningful way (for good reasons not just possessive ones) are slim to none.

12 years of behaviors don't just change overnight. I feel that if a person isn't committed 100% to discovering their dysfunctional and hurtful behaviors and finding new ways to cope that are healthy then they don't want to stay in the relationship bad enough.

I've been with my husband since I was 15 and a half. I'm 31 now. I've left physically once and it turned into something like what you're living now (except I was totally blindsided by the guy because he was my DH's opposite and ended up totally resenting and not liking the other guy) and had to do what I had to do to secure a place to live and that was it's own hell.

I wouldn't be motivated by financial stability to go back to an unhealthy relationship. I would however be motivated to do whatever it takes to get away from whatever it is that you don't like about your life right now.

I'm sure you feel depleted and exhausted trying to find a way to make things work better, but there has to be an answer that will allow you to be happy and remain healthy emotionally.

Think outside the box, maybe you need to go to court and plead for permission to move near a college/job that will help you get into a better situation.

Don't fall for the trap though. I went back and I so regret it now. Nothing changed except his grip on me became tighter and the prison walls a little higher. And that's not to say that I'm abused, but he's just very worried I'll leave again so he's totally controlling and resentful.

It's not a nice way to live.

 

[pacificbliss]

That offer is just your stbx continuing to try and control you. Tell him you do want to be friends (if you do) and you appreciate the offer but living together doesn't work for you. Think about what he is offering..no where in there did he offer to work on himself. He just found your insecurity and pushed the button.

 

[sunnmama]

I think you need to think about this differently. It isn't a choice between dh/financial stability and dp/love.

Your fantasy of a financially stable life with dh is likely not emotionally sustainable, and maybe not even financially certain (what happens if/when you leave again?).

Your relationship with dp is still fairly new, and may or may not be a long lasting love.

The only thing that is certain is that you have children depending on you to provide emotional and financial security. Your dh has failed in the former, and your dp ultimately isn't responsible for the latter. If your dp is helping you meet those goals, that is awesome and the best of all worlds. If he is somehow keeping you from meeting those responsibilities, then, yes, choose financial security over love.

But moving back in with your dh won't help you reach those goals. It is a bandaid, but not a cure, kwim? Set goals for yourself, and take baby steps forward. Be ruthless in your commitment to your children and yourself. If dp helps out along the way, consider it a bonus

 

[claddaghmom]

Gosh I think I would put both of them off and focus on your life and your children right now. And I don't mean that to be harsh. It just seems that you are in a tough spot right now. You haven't divorced DH but you've been dating DP for 7 months. The overlap really exemplifies your inner struggles. And I think you might gain some insight by clearing both out of your life right now.

 

[Drummer's Wife]

I would choose love over financial stability in a heartbeat.

 

[A&A]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MPJJJ I could move, but I have a 100 radius agreement and there are only a few small towns(and I mean smaller than this one!) and one larger city in the area, and the city is extremely unaffordable to us right now. So I'm just stuck. The places I REALLY want to move, that have the environmental organizations and churches I want to attend, are way out of the radius.

Can you get that agreement changed in court, or at least try?

 

[alexsam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunnmama I think you need to think about this differently. It isn't a choice between dh/financial stability and dp/love. Your fantasy of a financially stable life with dh is likely not emotionally sustainable, and maybe not even financially certain (what happens if/when you leave again?). Your relationship with dp is still fairly new, and may or may not be a long lasting love. The only thing that is certain is that you have children depending on you to provide emotional and financial security. Your dh has failed in the former, and your dp ultimately isn't responsible for the latter. If your dp is helping you meet those goals, that is awesome and the best of all worlds. If he is somehow keeping you from meeting those responsibilities, then, yes, choose financial security over love. But moving back in with your dh won't help you reach those goals. It is a bandaid, but not a cure, kwim? Set goals for yourself, and take baby steps forward. Be ruthless in your commitment to your children and yourself. If dp helps out along the way, consider it a bonus

Yes. This. I think you need to take yourself out of this "Man Equation" and start thinking about how YOU will make your life happen If DP helps, great. A bonus. But it is about YOU making it happen.

Why doesn't your XDH let you use the outbuilding as a studio WITHOUT the requirement of moving in? That rubs me as "buying" you. I mean, you woud *think* that for the mother of his children and someone he wants to "try" again with, he could start with the studio and *not* have strings attached.

 

[becoming]

I don't think either of these options sounds great. I personally would be concentrating more on getting on my own feet than on waiting for DP to provide financial stability for myself and my children.

I assume your ex will be paying you child support if you don't get back with him? That should help, and I would also be looking into government assistance during this transition period.

 

[becoming]

Oh, and yes, I would absolutely check into getting that 100 mile radius rule changed in court. If you can prove that it would be financially beneficial for you to move elsewhere, I imagine most judges would give you more leeway than 100 miles.

 

[BetsyNY]

Quote:

Originally Posted by claddaghmom Gosh I think I would put both of them off and focus on your life and your children right now. And I don't mean that to be harsh. It just seems that you are in a tough spot right now. You haven't divorced DH but you've been dating DP for 7 months. The overlap really exemplifies your inner struggles. And I think you might gain some insight by clearing both out of your life right now.

Yeah, this.

 

[Softmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MPJJJ My youngest child, who is 6, initially wants me and his daddy to live together, but he says if we get a game cube like his daddy has, then he will want to live with me and DP. My 2 older children, who are 8 and 10, are undecided. They love their Dad, but at this point seem unable to decide who they want me to be with, because they are aware of their dad's issues, and they say that DP is nicer to me.

I really don't mean to be harsh, but please don't put these kinds of adult decisions on your kids. This is for you to figure out, not them. It is too much of a burden to place on their tiny shoulders.

 

[Ellien C]

Quote:

Originally Posted by claddaghmom Gosh I think I would put both of them off and focus on your life and your children right now. And I don't mean that to be harsh. It just seems that you are in a tough spot right now. You haven't divorced DH but you've been dating DP for 7 months. The overlap really exemplifies your inner struggles. And I think you might gain some insight by clearing both out of your life right now.

Wise words are written here. The only person you can depend on is YOU! Are receiving ALL of the aid to which you are entitled? Food stamps, WIC, child support, alimony, Medicare?

 

[doubledutch]

in your previous thread about this, you said:

I left him early last year because after a second try, when we broke up and got back together, he was continuing to be mean to me and my children. We have a history of him grabbing me and not letting me walk away until he had his say, which left bruises on me. Since the seperation, he has threatened to not let me see my children (which he since claims that it is because seeing me hurt too much), and ruined my son's birthday by smashing his cake into the stove while calling me a whore.

and everyone said don't go back to him, focus on yourself, leave town if you need to . . . did you lose that thread and not see the responses? it's at the bottom of the first page.

 

[*MamaJen*]

I find that there is often a collective wisdom in these posts. Literally every person responding has said that you shouldn't go back to your verbally/emotionally abusive and borderline physically abusive STB ex husband. Many have commented that it would be ideal if you could focus on getting your life stable and getting back on your own two feet without picking between either man. I hope you take that advice -- your kids are counting on you.
Are you getting all the government assistance you could be getting? Have you looked into expanding the 100 mile radius and finding a town where you can set up your business or get continuing education?