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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
How do you adoptive (or soon to be!) mamas feel about this?<br><br>
I have mixed feelings. I lean towards thinking we shouldnt be able to pick the gender of our children. I currently have two dd's, neither of which I chose the gender.<br><br>
My dh does not have a gender preference at all. In fact if we could choose he would not want to. I guess this is a bunch of rambling brought on by the fact that we will be staring our paperwork soon for #3, almost positively from South Korea. We were told by the agency that most likely we would get a referal for a boy since we have two girls already. This brought up some feelings of, I dont know, nervousness? I just somehow became a 'girl mommy' and now I am afraid of parenting a boy! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> How totally stupid does that sound? Part of me thinks we should go with a program in which I know we would get another girl. Has anyone else ever felt this way? Is this aprehension abnormal?
 

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Totally normal.<br><br>
It is <i>weird</i> to be able to choose a gender...whether you want to or not. In our case, also from South Korea, we're asking for a little girl because we have three boys at home. Ever since starting the path toward adopting, I've had this gut feeling like we were reaching out into the world to find our daughter...to be honest, having three boys has nothing to do with it. Had any of them been girls, we still would have imagined adopting a girl. And funny thing--HAD any of them been girls, we wouldn't have been able to adopt a girl from Korea. Life, huh? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
Still, I feel torn about it. A long time ago when we were thinking of China or India, wanting to adopt a girl didn't seem like a problem. Now that we're adopting from Korea, and boys are more "common," I feel a little guilty wanting a girl. Is it overly selfish? I don't know...all the children that come into this agency are placed with families, so waiting a little longer for a girl doesn't seem like I'm leaving other children behind. It's just....weird.<br><br>
That being said, I know we're doing the right thing for our family. I would love to parent a little boy from Korea, but I know I'd be pulled someday toward adopting the girl we've always known would be a part of our family. It's a pull I know I could never put behind me.<br><br>
Oh, and sesa....apprehension toward parenting a child of a different gender from the children you know is SOOOO normal! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> All of my friends have said "I can't imagine parenting a boy" or "I can't imagine parenting a girl"...and ALL of them have wanted to repeat their previous child's gender. Some ended up with a happy repeat <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> , and others ended up with a happy difference. Either way, all you get his happy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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One more thing...if you choose Korea, you're weighting the odds but not totally choosing "boy." It's all timing and chance. Two of the couples (from our very small agency) that brought their kiddos home this past year put no gender preference, and assumed boys, and when the referral came--girl.
 

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My dad wanted a girl. They had to wait much longer cause all the babies being born were boys.<br>
My mom said she did not care but my dad insisted on a girl.<br>
I have never asked why.<br><br>
Emilie
 

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My mom just wanted a "gerber Baby" and yes, she meant a very cute baby. Which , I was - <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> - but I thought it was a wierd request.<br><br>
I don't think we could request gender, as I would want to leave it to chance, but I don't see anything wrong with someone doing it, I guess.
 

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I don't think their is anything wrong with it either. My mom wanted a perfect baby too. A perfect family as well.<br><br>
My dd looked like the gerbeer baby around 6 months. WE saw a commercial and ds says- theres alaina!!
 

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We chose to add another son to our family rather than a daughter. There were many reasons for our choice. In addition to the fact that we thought a boy would be a good addition to our family, I was struck by the statistics that older boys languish in Ethiopian orphanages while adoptive parents wait for baby girls.<br><br>
Not only did we choose to adopt a boy, but we chose DS. We talked to our agency about the children who were waiting for families at the time, and based on their descriptions of DS, we chose to adopt him.<br><br>
At the time, it did feel a little strange. If we had adopted a baby, I don't think we would've specified a gender. But since we set out to adopt a child who was already waiting for a home, the process (both the adoptive process and the mental process) was a bit different.<br><br>
To be honest, it felt even weirder to go through the big checklist of disabilities, illnesses and conditions. It was very hard for us to decide whether or not we'd be willing to accept a child who'd had polio, HIV, a missing limb or had been sexually abused in the past. *Icky* is the only way I can describe the way I felt when I was filling out that form for our adoption agency. I understand that some adoptive parents are willing to adopt children with special needs, while others are not prepared to parent a child with significant medical problems. But it felt like a laundry list of problems. Deciding that I was willing to adopt a child who was missing a limb, but not a child who was blind was much more difficult for me than deciding to adopt a boy rather than a girl.
 

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We were ready to parent either a boy or a girl since we had been trying to get pregnant. However, our agency asked us to pick a gender. If we said we didn't care, we would have been picking a boy by default, since they had more boys waiting for homes than girls and more people want girls. I'm not sure exactly why we went with a girl, to be honest. It was just a shared, gut decision - kind of a "why not?"<br><br>
I'm delighted to be raising a daughter, but I still feel I would be equally happy raising a son.
 

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We wanted to adopt a boy and since, when we adopted from Ethiopia, you could choose your child from a waiting child list, we were pretty much guaranteed to get a boy.<br><br>
I think that you can still request a gender with Ethiopia, although I'm not sure you can pick from a waiting child list anymore.<br><br>
I think that adoptive families should be able to choose the gender of the child they adopt. I fear that what I say would be taken the wrong way, but adoption is not like birth in many ways, and I think that parents should be able to adopt the child they feel comfortable adopting.<br><br>
That is NOT to say that adoption is about finding suitable children for families. I do not believe that to be the case at all. But, for instance, I knew that there were thousands (millions?) of waiting boys in Ethiopia. I knew that something like 70-80% of adoptive families choose girls. I knew that I could be a good mom to a boy. I *always* pictured myself adopting a boy. Would I have adopted if I couldn't have gotten a boy? Of course. I went on to adopt a girl after I adopted my son. But ... my son is my son and he's the right child for my family in part because I wanted to adopt a boy and I was able to choose to adopt a boy.<br><br>
I honestly don't see gender selection as any different than being able to select the age of the child you adopt.<br><br>
Namaste!
 

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I think that adoptive families should be able to choose the gender of the child they adopt. I fear that what I say would be taken the wrong way, but adoption is not like birth in many ways, and I think that parents should be able to adopt the child they feel comfortable adopting.<br><br>
That is NOT to say that adoption is about finding suitable children for families.<br><br><br>
I think it is also finding good matches! So of course you should be able to choose certain things.<br>
There is nothing imo wrong with that. Unless of course someone wants the "perfect child".... not so good.... for bio or adoption.<br>
Namaste![/QUOTE]
 

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My gender choice is dictated by our bedroom space...im able to adopt a boy of any age, as he'd be in my son's bedroom. But i can only adopt a girl up to age 3 because the regulation in my state is that foster children (which is what a pre-adoptive child will be until finalization)can share with a parent until that age (in some states its a year, so it varies.)<br><br>
I love having a boy, and will be thrilled to adopt a boy. But i want to have a daughter some day, so (secretely)i would love for them to call me with a girl placement.<br><br>
I think its interesting that boys wait longer than girls when it comes to adoption....anyone have a preference on why girls are preferred? It seems boys are preferred for a first child esp, when they are born to a family, but girls are more "desireable" to adopt....i have my own opinions as to why i think that is, but i'd love to hear others' theories.<br><br><br>
Katherine
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I think its interesting that boys wait longer than girls when it comes to adoption....anyone have a preference on why girls are preferred? It seems boys are preferred for a first child esp, when they are born to a family, but girls are more "desireable" to adopt....i have my own opinions as to why i think that is, but i'd love to hear others' theories.</td>
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I have thonght about that -- noticed that too -- but I have no theroy that really "works"<br><br>
I do think it is odd to think we could slecte a gender when we adopt -- BUT the whole adoption process is a different feel than a pregancy anyway --<br><br>
It is equally odd to me to think we can choose what our child will look like (African, Asian, Indian, etc).<br><br>
I do think it is good that these choices can be made, however, because each family has to find what works for them, and for example int he case of a family with 4 or 5 boys adopting a girl -- i think that it is more thant he parents just wanting a girl, i think it is good for the boys to have a sister, adn the new girl to have brothers -- siblings are good for each other. Alos -- JMO -- but i think it is a qustion of parents finding what they feel is right for them -- now i am sure, in most cases, any child placed in that adoptive situation would be rased well and loved -- but the parental confidence in a situation that could be more challangeing (attachement, ajustment for the child, etc) is very importnat -- sure they likely could be great no matter what, but if they "choose" what they feelthey can handle -- all the better for thier confidne in the situation. KWIM?<br><br>
It is also -- not odd -- but differnt to think when we are pregant the only thing we hope for is a healthy baby -- but you go in to an adoption knowing that you are not looking at the same standanrd of "healthy baby" KWIM ?<br><br>
Adoptin is -- imo -- more scarey than pregncy -- there are so many people involved and possibly other governments and wars and policitcal stuff on a globial scale that can effect your family -- when you are pregant, there is -- compartivly -- less to worry about...... or so it feels.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
for me I would choose a girl only because its what I already have, and what I am used to. I think in my case its really that simple!
 

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When we wrote our letter to China, we asked for a healthy child of either gender. Then we found out about the waiting child program, and investigated that. Our agency just happened to have a new list of children, and we took a look. There were mostly boys on the list, so we were looking at boys. But, we found our daughter - the only girl on the list. Her pictures, her story called to us and we knew that we were meant to be together. Luckily, the agency and China agreed with us!<br><br>
It did feel very weird to choose a child - I would have almost preferred to have China match us with a child instead. But then we probably wouldn't have our Evie.
 

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Well, bio parents often "want" a particular gender. Many have more children than they otherwise would because they are "going for" a boy or girl. I think the desire is very normal. I have three bio kids, all boys, and I desperately want a girl. Of course I would love another boy, but if I had the opportunity to choose I would!
 

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After 4 years of IF treatments we didn't specify a gender when starting our adoption process. I figured that I wouldn't have that choice by being pg. Our first child was a girl, but I had been preparing for a boy. Secretly, I think I wanted a girl. I still haven't quite figured that one out. At her adoption, we mentioned that when she turned 2 we wanted to start thinking about adopting a sissy for her. Well, when she was 13 months we got the call for another little girl that was a perfect situation for us. We met her and fell in love (obviously) and her adoption was final a year later. DD#1's birthmom was pg and just gave birth a couple days after Christmas 2006....to a little girl. She was placed with us the day after her birth and we are hoping to have her adoption finalized by Christmas 2007. So, we have 3 girls, but we certainly didn't plan it this way. There is a part of me that wants to have a boy, but we have all the girl stuff and the bedroom sharing situation will always be perfect, so I don't know.
 

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i can't imagine having a preference either way. i have no judgement for someone who does. i just haven't had a preference (with either child).
 

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I wouldn't feel comfortable choosing a gender in a domestic adoption situation (which ours have been), because ultrasounds can be wrong, and prospective adoptive parents are often matched with birth parents prior to the birth.<br><br>
This happened to us. We didn't specify a gender, luckily. But our ds was "supposed" to be a dd. His birthmom was quite worried that we would be disappointed. I think this could be really challenging in a situation where parties were matched based partly on the baby being a specific gender.<br><br>
In another type of adoption, I would probably feel comfortable selecting a gender. But at this point, I have no idea which gender I would choose.
 

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I wholly support adoptive families having as much choice as possible.<br><br>
I don't think it's creepy to have people say they couldn't deal with a child with certain disabilities. Let's be honest, there's many bio parents when faced with the knowledge that their child has significant disabilities choose to not carry that child to term. I don't judge that either, having seen the pain that they go through in making that decision either way.<br><br>
Acknowledged or not, adoption DOES place some special potential stresses on a family. While I think it's awesome that some people truly don't care about any gender, disability, or potential history issues--the people that do are only just as human as the rest of us. The parents are only doing the ethical and moral thing in stating what they can cope with and what they can't. I don't think one should villianize that, and to remove that choice will only reduce the number of adoptions.<br><br>
There's always risks in parenting, whether you're dealing with rolling the gene dice or filling out a checklist. There just are. But just as we don't mock people for getting prenatal care or starting vitamins before TCC, and hopefully don't demonize people who make a tough decision not to carry a baby to term, I'd hope we wouldn't mock or demonize potential adoptive parents for being real with their expectations and having the guts to fill out those forms truthfully, even if it makes them feel a bit squicky.<br><br>
I know for me, there were lines drawn up for what I could and couldn't handle. A part of me felt ugly about it, but that was reality for me. I don't think an adoptive parent has less rights than me to make that kind of decision.
 

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JMHO<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I know for me, there were lines drawn up for what I could and couldn't handle. A part of me felt ugly about it, but that was reality for me. I don't think an adoptive parent has less rights than me to make that kind of decision.</td>
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I think we oew this honesty to ourselves and the children.<br><br>
I would hate for someone to adopt a high needs child because they feel shallow for saying "you know, i can't emotionally cope with that" or "you know if I didn't already have kids, I could handle that, but I have 4 kids at home too --- so I can't". they are thinking -- realistically -- about what they can handle -- better for any kids already in the home and better for the child in question too -- better to go to a family that feels more confident about the need than to one who loves the child none the less but doesn't feel up to it.<br><br>
how this compares to the roll of the dice in pregancy and accepting what life / God / Fate give us as parents -- i don't know. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Aimee
 
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