[Denise K]

I wanted to share this quote:

"If your heart is breaking in this season, I pray you let it break open. The closed heart is frozen in time. The heart that opens begins to heal." --Rev. Barbara Carlson

Every week at church my heart breaks open all over the place. What we celebrate in my church in this season is the holy infant, the possibility in each new child, the miracle of birth. I remember being pregnant with DS at Christmas, and it was so wonderful--I was right there in all the mystery of it all. Now I feel so empty of possibility and hope and miracle. I can't stand the lullaby carols. I want to be excited about making gifts for DS, but there's no energy there.

My MIL died on Xmas Day 4 years ago; that comes back.

And I'm menstruating for the first time since. Really heavy flow. I'm exhausted. I just want to stay in bed until the new year.

But what I want is to share that quote, because I am trying to trust the breaking of my heart. Just as I tried to trust my body during the miscarriage... Hearts are wise, I think, to know when to break and how. It hurts. I can't believe (even with all I know) that it is taking so long, that I am still hurting like this, that I can't just be normal now that it's "over"--I know, it's not even 6 weeks, but it feels like months. But I keep returning to trying to trust my heart.

Blessings to you all in this season, in your joy and your pain. Peace be with you.

 

[TappinMamma]

I am feeling incredibly sad now too. I have an overwhelming feeling that someone is missing this Christmas, there should be another little one here with us around the tree. My baby was due Dec. 28th. So I'm sure he would have been here by now, I am always early. He should be here with me right now. I would not even be celebrating Christmas right now if it were not for my other two chilren. It is just so hard to be happy

 

[Slackermom]

Thank you for sharing that quote. So many of us are hurting at this time of year. I'm still in the process of miscarrying, and I feel no support from family whatsoever. It's as if they are scared that if they acknowledge my loss, they will ruin whatever fairy-tale idea of Christmas they're shooting for. Stupidly, I've been trying to be festive- baking, decorating, doing all the shopping and wrapping, trying not to put a damper on things for others. Silly, isn't it? But now, my body is saying, 'stop'. I'm in a lot of physical pain, bleeding heavily, and just can't go on with the pretense for the sake of others. I am just staying in bed for awhile, thinking, mulling over my grief, honouring the little soul who couldn't stay. I feel like I'm the only one who IS grieving, which makes it harder.

The fact that the season is all about the birth of an infant *does* make it extra hard. But maybe what my poor, hurting body is telling me right now is that I need to hurt. I need to let my heart break, and not be so concerned with whether my MIL gets her "perfect" Christmas. Thanks for reminding me.

 

[iris0110]

This season is a hard season to grieve. Even for those of us who aren't exactly Christian. It is hard to go on with Christmas for my family when I am thinking about my daughter who was born still this time last year. She should be having her first Christmas now. She was born on the winter solstice, a time of death and rebirth, and that is something I am trying to process with in myself. I am with TappinMamma, I wouldn't even be celebrating christmas if it weren't for my ds.

 

[Ary99]

I knew I wouldn't be alone. I miscarried our baby December 9th. I am still bleeding, feeling exhausted and overwhelmed trying to care for my 2 year old. This is a hard time of the year to be trying to deal with grief while everyone else is in a celebratory mood. I miss my baby so very much. I was so looking forward to being pregnant at Christmas. It feels like such a honor to be an expectant mom during the time when much of the world is focusing on Mary birthing Jesus. We're keeping it cheery for DS, but it's so very hard.

 

[CookieMonsterMommy]

Thank you for starting this thread. I was actually coming here to start one (although not with the nice quote).

My baby would have been due in about a month, so I'd be sitting in front of the christmas tree with my giant belly, waiting happily to meet my little girl. I too, feel like something is seriously missing here. I had DS stay over my parents house last night because lately I've been feeling like just staying in bed till noon and I didn't want to screw up his christmas eve.

Hope all of you find some kind of healing this Holiday Season, and that 2005 is a lot more fruitful and happy for all of you.

Best Wishes,
Kelly

 

[SagMom]

If not for my kids, I wouldn't be celebrating either. I can't wait until the holidays are over.

Peace.

 

[fernlink]

What a great quote. It is so true...

 

[TurboClaudia]

I just learned today that my best friend lost her first baby on Christmas Eve just over a week ago. She was about twelve weeks pregnant. I am grieving with her and her husband and her whole family. They named him James and buried him in the backyard of their new home. I told her I am sad for her and her husband that they had a loss, and I told her I didn't know what else to say but that she can always call me or talk to me if she needs to.

What a sad thing to learn on a rare sunshine-y day here in the pacific northwest...

peace and love to all you mamas missing your little ones who are not with you in body but will always be with in spirit...

warmly,
claudia

 

[CookieMonsterMommy]

Just wondering how everyones Holidays turned out.

Christmas for me was okay, until DeVante went to bed. Then I guess, I finally allowed myslef to focus on my pain.

Hugs to ALL the mamas.

Kelly