I wanted to share this quote:
"If your heart is breaking in this season, I pray you let it break open. The closed heart is frozen in time. The heart that opens begins to heal." --Rev. Barbara Carlson
Every week at church my heart breaks open all over the place. What we celebrate in my church in this season is the holy infant, the possibility in each new child, the miracle of birth. I remember being pregnant with DS at Christmas, and it was so wonderful--I was right there in all the mystery of it all. Now I feel so empty of possibility and hope and miracle. I can't stand the lullaby carols. I want to be excited about making gifts for DS, but there's no energy there.
My MIL died on Xmas Day 4 years ago; that comes back.
And I'm menstruating for the first time since. Really heavy flow. I'm exhausted. I just want to stay in bed until the new year.
But what I want is to share that quote, because I am trying to trust the breaking of my heart. Just as I tried to trust my body during the miscarriage... Hearts are wise, I think, to know when to break and how. It hurts. I can't believe (even with all I know) that it is taking so long, that I am still hurting like this, that I can't just be normal now that it's "over"--I know, it's not even 6 weeks, but it feels like months. But I keep returning to trying to trust my heart.
Blessings to you all in this season, in your joy and your pain. Peace be with you.
"If your heart is breaking in this season, I pray you let it break open. The closed heart is frozen in time. The heart that opens begins to heal." --Rev. Barbara Carlson
Every week at church my heart breaks open all over the place. What we celebrate in my church in this season is the holy infant, the possibility in each new child, the miracle of birth. I remember being pregnant with DS at Christmas, and it was so wonderful--I was right there in all the mystery of it all. Now I feel so empty of possibility and hope and miracle. I can't stand the lullaby carols. I want to be excited about making gifts for DS, but there's no energy there.
My MIL died on Xmas Day 4 years ago; that comes back.
And I'm menstruating for the first time since. Really heavy flow. I'm exhausted. I just want to stay in bed until the new year.
But what I want is to share that quote, because I am trying to trust the breaking of my heart. Just as I tried to trust my body during the miscarriage... Hearts are wise, I think, to know when to break and how. It hurts. I can't believe (even with all I know) that it is taking so long, that I am still hurting like this, that I can't just be normal now that it's "over"--I know, it's not even 6 weeks, but it feels like months. But I keep returning to trying to trust my heart.
Blessings to you all in this season, in your joy and your pain. Peace be with you.