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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Arggggg. XH and I are separated, have been for 6 months. Our DD is 23 months. He has had visitation every month since he left me out of the blue. He is military and lives on the other side of the country. Each visitation, I drove DD halfway to XMILs house so he could see DD for more time. He flew to XMILs house and they picked him up and dropped him off at the airport.<br><br>
Anyway, he had DD for the 4 day labor day weekend and he had her for the 5 day Thanksgiving weekend.<br><br>
He said a while back that I could have her for Christmas because it means more to my family. We open presents and play all day, making it special for the children.<br><br>
Then he calls yesterday and wants DD from the 22nd to the 26th. I say no because I want DD to wake up in our house on Christmas morning and open her presents. Its just not fair, he had her for the last 2 holidays. He told me before that December would be flexible and open because he would have a lot of leave time. Now he gets leave from the 22nd to the 2nd. Not my fault. He wants to fly here, pick DD up, fly to the east coast for his grandma's Christmas.<br><br>
He calls back today when I tell him no. I suggest he takes DD from the 27th to the 2nd. He thinks this is a good idea.<br><br>
Then he calls his mommy. Then he calls me back and says that XMIL will drive DD from here to the east coast on the 20th, then XH will fly in on the 22nd, the he will fly her back here on the 24th. Then he wants to fly back here and pick her up for the 28th to 2nd trip.<br><br>
How is that fair to DD, or me?<br><br>
I said that would be too disruptive, stressful to DD. He said she would have to "suck it up like the rest of us." WHAT?<br><br>
What do I do? Can my lawyer help me with this?<br><br>
I want her to see her dad. He is getting deployed in January and won't see much of DD next year. I understand that. But is this really in the best interest in the child? Fly a 2 year old twice in the same week?<br><br>
I don't know what to do besides say no no no.<br><br>
I have been nothing but accomodating to him since he left me. I do not speak badly of him, and I help him foster a relationship with him, even though he has never lived with us.<br><br>
I want DD to go to her Great Grandma's Christmas party, but its halfway across the country. It is not my fault that is the day his leave starts and he wouldn't be able to spend time with DD before that. I get her for Christmas, not gonna back down on that one.<br><br>
He just keeps saying that he is trying to make so many people happy. Who cares about anyone but DD? Shouldn't it be about his and DDs Christmas?<br><br>
Would anyone here let their XMIL drive their 2 year old 750 miles? Am I crazy for not allowing this?<br><br>
If you lasted this long through my ramblings, thank you! Help!
 

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Want the short answer? OH HELL NO!<br><br>
Yeah. I posted 'bout my XMIL. There's no way. You've been fair and decent and you have every right in the world to expect the agreement to stand. Furthermore, if your mothering instincts tell you that you shouldn't allow your child to ******, then that's how it is. And good for you for being strong.<br><br>
And thank you for allowing me the chance to say this because it is something I need to remember and practice.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mom2005</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9849257"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Arggggg. XH and I are separated, have been for 6 months. Our DD is 23 months. He has had visitation every month since he left me out of the blue. He is military and lives on the other side of the country. Each visitation, I drove DD halfway to XMILs house so he could see DD for more time. He flew to XMILs house and they picked him up and dropped him off at the airport.<br><br>
Anyway, he had DD for the 4 day labor day weekend and he had her for the 5 day Thanksgiving weekend.<br><br>
He said a while back that I could have her for Christmas because it means more to my family. We open presents and play all day, making it special for the children.<br><br>
Then he calls yesterday and wants DD from the 22nd to the 26th. I say no because I want DD to wake up in our house on Christmas morning and open her presents. Its just not fair, he had her for the last 2 holidays. He told me before that December would be flexible and open because he would have a lot of leave time. Now he gets leave from the 22nd to the 2nd. Not my fault. He wants to fly here, pick DD up, fly to the east coast for his grandma's Christmas.<br><br>
He calls back today when I tell him no. I suggest he takes DD from the 27th to the 2nd. He thinks this is a good idea.<br><br>
Then he calls his mommy. Then he calls me back and says that XMIL will drive DD from here to the east coast on the 20th, then XH will fly in on the 22nd, the he will fly her back here on the 24th. Then he wants to fly back here and pick her up for the 28th to 2nd trip.<br><br>
How is that fair to DD, or me?<br><br>
I said that would be too disruptive, stressful to DD. He said she would have to "suck it up like the rest of us." WHAT?<br><br>
What do I do? Can my lawyer help me with this?<br><br>
I want her to see her dad. He is getting deployed in January and won't see much of DD next year. I understand that. But is this really in the best interest in the child? Fly a 2 year old twice in the same week?<br><br>
I don't know what to do besides say no no no.<br><br>
I have been nothing but accomodating to him since he left me. I do not speak badly of him, and I help him foster a relationship with him, even though he has never lived with us.<br><br>
I want DD to go to her Great Grandma's Christmas party, but its halfway across the country. It is not my fault that is the day his leave starts and he wouldn't be able to spend time with DD before that. I get her for Christmas, not gonna back down on that one.<br><br>
He just keeps saying that he is trying to make so many people happy. Who cares about anyone but DD? Shouldn't it be about his and DDs Christmas?<br><br>
Would anyone here let their XMIL drive their 2 year old 750 miles? Am I crazy for not allowing this?<br><br>
If you lasted this long through my ramblings, thank you! Help!</div>
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If you have no court order agreement for child visitation, its all up to you. It sounds like there is no court order. His family doesnt get to decided when they get to see your daughter either. No I wouldnt let my xMIL take my baby anywhere with out me.<br>
So I would tell your x..., I am sorry you had the baby for Thanksgiving, so I get her for Christmas. We had already agreed on this, and her flying back and fourth would be too stressful on her. I told you could have her from the x amount of time to x amount of time, so if you want her you need to make arrangements for that time. You shouldnt't need your Lawyer to tell him NO, but if he starts putting a stink up about it, then having a lawyer write a letter to him and/or his family saying something, wouldnt hurt.<br>
Don't let him bully you around, like I said if is not court order in place visitation is up to you. If there was a court order, most split holidays, so if he had her for Thanksgiving you would get her for Christmas ect. ect.
 

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He can't legally make you do any of it. Your child lives with you and there is no agreement. Personally that is way too hectic of a schedule for a 23 month old. A 4 day trip, ok but all the driving and flying is ridiculous. I would tell him that he can have a 4 or 5 day visit and that's it.
 

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That is way too much travel and stress and going back and forth for a kid. And I think that would apply even if your daughter was older.<br><br>
You agreed that he could have her from the 27th to the 2nd, which is entirely reasonable. The person who needs to suck it up is your ex.<br><br>
I think you should discuss formalizing a custody agreement with your lawyer, and run the situation by him, but I don't think you need a lawyer's help here: you can freely continue to say no.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Right, there is no court order in place.<br><br>
He wanted the divorce and I don't. However, he couldn't get it done. Since the child support would go off my state which we have lived in DDs whole life, I went and filed and he is paying for it. At his request. He doesn't really have a state and is at a temporary training in an Eastern state before he deploys out of another state.<br><br>
The decree is in the mail for him right now to sign. It states holidays are every other. Including Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve and New Years. With his plan, I would only get her for Christmas and thats it. Not fair at all. Plus, it seems like he is not considering DDs well-being.
 

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Just say no. Your plan for her to go with him from the 27th to the 2nd is perfectly reasonable, unlike any of the alternatives he has proposed. Heck, that amount of flying and driving would be too much for many adults, let alone a toddler!<br><br>
If the agreement is filed before Xmas it becomes a moot point anyway. I would avoid trying to reason too much with him. State the reasons once. If he wants to engage in an argument you can refuse to do so. And you're right, he needs to be the one to suck it up!
 

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The answer is no, period. She is two. Way too young to be doing that much traveling and as a child who WAS forced back and forth on holidays like some kind of prize, I can tell you that it ruined my Christmas' for many years. Two year olds do NOT have to suck it up and deal. The adults do. He said you get Christmas, so you get Christmas. He can fly to your area, stay in a hotel or with old friends and visit and take his child out after Christmas is over. I think that is a reasonable plan given that this is supposed to be YOUR holiday and he would have to fly regardless of which plan you use.
 

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If it's that important to your xMIL, she can move her **** Christmas party to the 27th or 28th. We do that all the time in my family - this year my grandma is having her celebration on the 23rd so all my cousins can make it to their in-laws' parties.<br><br>
Your x needs to grow a pair, stand by his agreement with you, stand up for his child's well-being, and stand up to his mom.<br><br>
I'm sorry you have to go through this at a time when you should be allowed to relax and enjoy your family. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> you've been given some excellent advice. i also think that's too much traveling for a kiddo, and you should absolutely stand your ground. i don't know about the legal technicalities, but it's likely that the law's on your side on this one.
 

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Tell him you made an agreement and you already have plans.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>harleyhalfmoon</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9864203"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Tell him you made an agreement and you already have plans.</div>
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That is basically what I did.<br><br>
He didn't mention the 22nd-25th trip again. He is, however, taking DD from the 28th-Jan 2nd. At first he was trying to allow DD to ride home with XMIL. He said, "She'll be fine in the car for 6 hours." To which, I said, "Uh, its more like 16 hours." Him: "Oh, well that won't work."<br><br>
Riiiight, it takes 6 hours to drive from the east coast to Iowa, in January.<br><br>
Then, he said his mom could fly with DD. To which I explained that if she could afford to buy a ticket for herself, then she could afford to buy him a ticket. Duh.<br><br>
Ah, my favorite part, he told me to stop getting so emotional about it. Guess you aren't supposed to get emotional about your kids. Great.<br><br>
Anyway, I am still really worried about it, but at least we came to a compromise.
 

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I'm so glad you were able to reach a compromise! The holdiays are so stressful - everyone has a picture in their mind of how they want their "perfect" holdiay to be, and since they're all different, not everyone can get their way.<br><br>
Yeah, how could you get so "emotional" about something that involves your X, your XMIL, your DD, your DD's safety, and the holidays? What are you, on your period or something? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/duh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="duh"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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You have full custody of your daughter. YOU tell him what YOU think is best. Not the other way around. Any court will see it that way too if he actually took it that far, but he couldn't get anything like that on short notice anyways.<br><br>
I think what you are suggested is fair enough. Next Christmas, then, let him have her on those days. Let it be an alternating thing, but for the first Christmas I think it would be better for your daughter to wake up in her own house and not be shuffled around on HER holiday. This is about HER, not HIM and he needs to realize that.<br><br>
Your daughter should NEVER have to "suck it up".
 

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To clarify my last post:<br><br>
What you have suggested to him (the 27th-2nd) is fair.<br><br>
and next Christmas you should let him have her on those days (meaning from the 20th -26th) or whatever.
 

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Hugs, mama! I hope you find the strength you need, and realize that the holidays are so precious to our children. What ever situation you all come to I hope your DD has a great Christmas!<br><br>
Hugs again to you... We all are on your side and are supporting you!
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mom2005</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9976624"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
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Riiiight, it takes 6 hours to drive from the east coast to Iowa, in January.<br><br>
Ah, my favorite part, he told me to stop getting so emotional about it. Guess you aren't supposed to get emotional about your kids. Great.<br><br>
Anyway, I am still really worried about it, but at least we came to a compromise.</div>
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Oh wow ... Mine just fell asleep at the wheel again and blew out two tires when he hit the median ... He wanted to drive hundreds of miles with the girls in the mid-west for Xmas. Fortunately he changed his mind.<br><br>
Hope it works out ok for your little girl. It really does rend my heart what these little ones go through.<br><br>
M
 

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I'm sorry this is turning out to be so stressful <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Sometimes, I think men don't really think through their ideas before putting them out there. I hope that is what happened with your ex.<br><br>
I'm glad your little girl will wake up in her own bed on Christmas morning this year. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 
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