CIO 10 mo old - feel horrible now!

We were big cosleepers also but had to stop fairly early on for the same reason, which is my kids were so active in sleep that myself and DH couldn't get any sleep. So what I finally did was bring the crib in (ok, so we had to buy one) and put it next to my bed (completely against it) and then before they were able to climb out, I put the side rail down and they felt they were in bed with us but we still had the freedom to move and be comfortable. That worked out well for us. An additional perk was that they stopped waking up at night because they felt more secure from the beginning. So we ALL slept better.

Patty

I'm sorry for what you're going through.
I don't think getting a larger bed is realistic for everyone (we co-sleep in a double bed and we may never have the money for anything bigger) but i think the other posters had good points and advice. We do the crib in the room thing and I rarely get dd into it (my own issue : ) but when I do we all sleep better.
I would also give your dh some info on the negative affects of CIO.You and your baby deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your sleeping environment. Good luck.

Parenting can be so hard sometimes. I'm sorry you are DH are not seeing eye to eye on the sleep issue.

We sort of fell into co-sleeping with our first son (wasn't the initial plan!). We had a gorgeous Pottery Barn crib and expected to use it... boy was my Mom who bought it disappointed :LOL I started out just wanting the baby near by for easier nursing, I had tried to transition to the crib for awhile and did the same as you - I would get him to sleep, put him in the crib and he would sleep there for an hour or two but then would wake up crying so I brought him into bed.

DH was totally against co-sleeping at first just like your husband. We had quite a few arguments about it - he also thought we should just let him CIO. One night I gave into his pressure and put DS to bed and listened to him cry, I stayed there with him and stroked his back but he just got more hysterical. DH told me to get out of the room - that it wasn't working because I was there. So I went into our room (next door) and sat on my bed and cried while DS cried.

I couldn't take it though and after a few minutes I went and got him and hugged him and kissed him and told him how sorry I was. I decided at that point that it wasn't my baby that was going to have to learn to "deal with it" - it was my DH We've been co-sleeping ever since.

DH didn't instantly stop pouting about it but he did see how important it was to me and that it wasn't something I was going to yield on. Eventually he came around and now he's a huge co-sleeping advocate!! He's even made some great nasty comments about people that CIO :LOL

I like the idea of putting the crib against your bed - we have that set up now in case one of the boys rolls too far. Would that work for you? When one of my boys wakes up in the middle of the night, often all I have to do is pat his little back and tell him I'm there and he'll be back out like a light in seconds. That totally wouldn't disturb your husband. Believe me - my DH gets a GREAT nights sleep every night!

i second the general message that she really needs to feel secure and loved so she really shouldn't CIO...but i also understand your need for sleep. we pushed two beds together and our 23 month old ds sleeps on one bed and we on the other. he actually started sleeping through the night and still has our comforting closeness should he wake up! i recommend you try to figure out a situation that works for all of you while maintaining a sense of security for your daughter .
best of luck!!

Sounds tricky. However, I think that babies usually really NEED to sleep with their parents. They're programed that way. I'd try to find a way that she can sleep with you that's less disruptive for you.

-Angela

I totally hear the frustrating spot you're in...but despite the know-it-all attitudes of other moms in his playgroup, it might be easy in the short-term but in the long-term, the sleep problems are in no way solved. All the CIO parents I know have kids who are waking up through the night throughout the toddler years (teething is in no way done yet, nor growth spurts), and once they figure out how to get out of the crib...they're in the parents' bed anyways. We have friends whose kids are terrified of sleep and are still CIO - at ages 4 and 5! The cosleeping parents I know transitioned the children at an age that they understand reason (around 3-4) and have no sleep problems. Our daughter is five and we have a strict rule about not being able to come to our bed until 6AM - she figured out how to tell time, what do you know.

I doubt this is always true, and probably depends a lot on a child's unique personality. I think the best way to think of it is how Sears describes it - what type of relationship is set up between child/parent? What's the long-term approach? Where do you see the relationship in a few years? Just things to think about.

I talked with my husband and let him know about all of your comments. He was really interested in reading the harvard article link so I sent it to him but he is concerned about any impacts from CIO.

For now we've decided to :
1) make sure she's in deep sleep before trying to put her into the crib
2) Follow the NCSS techniques for getting her into the crib
3) If all else fails or if we're too exhausted, bring her to bed with us.

I liked some of the ideas suggested here but they wouldn't work for us, I guess that's the drawback of a small house - I could never fit an air mattress in her room or her crib in my room (ok, I could fit her crib but then I'd loose access to my closet!) Its looking like we'll be doing some co-sleeping even though we'd like to avoid it, but we're more committed to her well being than to our comfort.

I guess one good thing from this episode is that he got to hear her crying for that half hr and it broke his heart - I think he felt horrible that he could do nothing to soothe her.

I also did my best to reassure him that she WILL learn to sleep through the night and in her own bed.

Thanks for all the support, it helped to know I'm not the only one with this battle!

-Ana

I had a lot of difficulty w/ my dh regarding my dd's sleep until she was 15 months old and we went to an LLL conference (she'll be 3 in Aug). He and everyone else (except my LLL friends) were telling me to let her CIO, which I refused to do.

I'm glad to hear that things are going better. It is very difficult to live each day in conflict w/ your partner over your child. I lived it for a long time; I feel your pain.

My dd now will go to sleep at night pretty easily. There is still a routine that takes a while, but she's comfortable w/ going to sleep. She isn't afraid at all. I think so many kids are afraid of the dark and don't want to go to sleep b/c of all the tactics used by parents to try to get them to sleep. I think most of the sleep problems we hear about are created by the really bad advice some many people give & take.

Here is another article that may help, if your dh starts to pressure again, or if he wants to do further reading. I wish that an American group would publish something like it! http://www.aeca.org.au/Controled%20Crying.pdf

Keep us posted!
Sus

"I decided at that point that it wasn't my baby that was going to have to learn to "deal with it" -
it was my DH. We've been co-sleeping ever since. "

YES
what she said

if someone (anyone) tried to tell me that i should let my baby cry so that they could sleep, i would probably let that person sleep on the street...
but that is just me

i also would rather move into my parent's basement and leave my dh if i felt like he was having me work instread of staying at home
and then was letting her CIO, not meet her needs, or feel resentful about all the parts of parenting.....(24/7)

but that is also just me,
it sounds like your dh needs to let you do the parenting and him get a job, but if that is not gonna happen then at least he should find a new play group that is more AP to peer parent with and read some info on why he needs to be there for your child.

I know i am sounding harsh, and i am sorry that this is hard for you, my dh and i have had our own hard issues (thankfully not about how i parent dd) and i know it is painful

but it breaks my heart to hear a woman have to feel pain over how her dh is treating her child and/or forcing her to treat (or mistreat) her child.
i want you to feel support here, that is important
but my honest opinion is that you and dh might need to rethink your priorities.

can he not work while you stay home?

my sister and her dh put their makeshift family bed on the living room floor, b/c their house was so small and that was the only way they could make a bed that everyone could fit in.
yes it was not ideal, but
i think that when you agree to be a parent, you have to be willing to sacrifice for your child (esp a baby)

it sounds like $$ is an issue for you all (it is for us too)
but i assure you that your baby RIGHT now needs her mom more than anything money can buy.

when i got preg and had to quit my job, i had a physically dangerous job and i also could not stop throwing up till third tri mester....

we had to move in with my parents for a while, and we had to sell one of our cars, go into more debt (just to make it with food and housing with no frills or extras...)
but now my dd is older and i can take her to work with me and make some extra money and it will get better
what i am trying to say is that you can not replace the the first few years of life
you can not put a price tag on your child's head

it would be one thing if dh was staying at home and was parenting in a loving way that you felt good about, but that does not sound like the case

good luck

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