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Hello,
My DD is 9 years old and has been BFFs with another 9 year girl of some very close family friends for about 3 years now. We have vacationed together, done camps together, babysat while the parents had a getaway, spent holidays, the list goes on and on. Over the past three months, the girls have been increasingly not getting along. My DD has loved this little girl like no other. I've never been convinced her friend felt quite the same way towards my daughter, but I know she always liked her and had fun with her. To explain, my DD is a little more reserved while her friend is super outgoing and has a very strong personality. She makes friends very easily while mine is a little more cautious about who she becomes close with. But when together, my daughter warmed up to her and is very outgoing and silly/goofy/talkative with her as she got to know and trust her - it warmed my heart watching the two of them play while us adults socialized together - all was good!
I feel lately that this other girl is pushing my daughter away and instigating senseless arguments. (ie. Whose ballet school is better, if you get a "3" in school instead of a "4" then you're dumb, etc.) She'll tell my DD (seemingly out of the blue) to "leave her alone" after they've been playing together and to "quit following her". On top of that, a new girl entered the picture (these girls are all younger sisters of their older brother's soccer team), and my DD's friend made quick friend's with the new girl while my daughter in typical fashion got left behind since she's way less outgoing and shy to warm up to new people. The latest argument escalated to the point where the friend called my DD dumb and stupid, my DD reciprocated those words right back, her friend splashed water from a water bottle on her, my DD then pinched her, and finally the friend told her "I officially hate you"! UGH!
I am not a Mom who thinks my DD is innocent and perfect and did nothing wrong. My kids know my mantra "It takes two to tango"! She and I have discussed at length what she could have done differently, and I held her totally accountable for pinching her, saying mean things, and continuing the argument when she should have just walked away. But a week after this argument my DD tried to make amends and play with her when we were all together, but her friend is apparently still mad and began gossiping to the "new girl" about all the bad things my DD did and said, causing them to gang up on her. And then while climbing on some bars, she got on top of the bars and peeled off my DDs fingers so that she would fall. Which she did, right on her stomach. So my DD glared at her, walked away and came over by me. I was proud she didn't say or do anything back.
What am I to do regarding these wonderful family friends of ours? I haven't talked to her Mom about it, I don't know if she even knows about any of it from her DD. My husband and I so enjoy hanging out as families, and they have been our best friends in these recent years. But I can't stand the way my daughter is being treated lately by her, and I don't want the two of them playing. I'm worried we'll just drift apart. I'm worried about approaching the subject because I don't want to come off as accusatory or criticizing her parenting or placing all the blame on their DD. Plus I know my DD would run back to her if and when this girl decides to get over this latest tiff. I'd like for them to remain friends, and make this a teachable moment for the girls. It's so common at this age, it's like a right of passage for all girls to go through these fights. They are learning how to manage friendships and resolve conflict and I feel as though they need guidance. But I also want to teach my daughter that she shouldn't let people treat her like this. Because if she goes through life letting people treat her badly, it could spell disaster down the road. Please advise, I don't know what to do.
Thanks so much!
My DD is 9 years old and has been BFFs with another 9 year girl of some very close family friends for about 3 years now. We have vacationed together, done camps together, babysat while the parents had a getaway, spent holidays, the list goes on and on. Over the past three months, the girls have been increasingly not getting along. My DD has loved this little girl like no other. I've never been convinced her friend felt quite the same way towards my daughter, but I know she always liked her and had fun with her. To explain, my DD is a little more reserved while her friend is super outgoing and has a very strong personality. She makes friends very easily while mine is a little more cautious about who she becomes close with. But when together, my daughter warmed up to her and is very outgoing and silly/goofy/talkative with her as she got to know and trust her - it warmed my heart watching the two of them play while us adults socialized together - all was good!
I feel lately that this other girl is pushing my daughter away and instigating senseless arguments. (ie. Whose ballet school is better, if you get a "3" in school instead of a "4" then you're dumb, etc.) She'll tell my DD (seemingly out of the blue) to "leave her alone" after they've been playing together and to "quit following her". On top of that, a new girl entered the picture (these girls are all younger sisters of their older brother's soccer team), and my DD's friend made quick friend's with the new girl while my daughter in typical fashion got left behind since she's way less outgoing and shy to warm up to new people. The latest argument escalated to the point where the friend called my DD dumb and stupid, my DD reciprocated those words right back, her friend splashed water from a water bottle on her, my DD then pinched her, and finally the friend told her "I officially hate you"! UGH!
I am not a Mom who thinks my DD is innocent and perfect and did nothing wrong. My kids know my mantra "It takes two to tango"! She and I have discussed at length what she could have done differently, and I held her totally accountable for pinching her, saying mean things, and continuing the argument when she should have just walked away. But a week after this argument my DD tried to make amends and play with her when we were all together, but her friend is apparently still mad and began gossiping to the "new girl" about all the bad things my DD did and said, causing them to gang up on her. And then while climbing on some bars, she got on top of the bars and peeled off my DDs fingers so that she would fall. Which she did, right on her stomach. So my DD glared at her, walked away and came over by me. I was proud she didn't say or do anything back.
What am I to do regarding these wonderful family friends of ours? I haven't talked to her Mom about it, I don't know if she even knows about any of it from her DD. My husband and I so enjoy hanging out as families, and they have been our best friends in these recent years. But I can't stand the way my daughter is being treated lately by her, and I don't want the two of them playing. I'm worried we'll just drift apart. I'm worried about approaching the subject because I don't want to come off as accusatory or criticizing her parenting or placing all the blame on their DD. Plus I know my DD would run back to her if and when this girl decides to get over this latest tiff. I'd like for them to remain friends, and make this a teachable moment for the girls. It's so common at this age, it's like a right of passage for all girls to go through these fights. They are learning how to manage friendships and resolve conflict and I feel as though they need guidance. But I also want to teach my daughter that she shouldn't let people treat her like this. Because if she goes through life letting people treat her badly, it could spell disaster down the road. Please advise, I don't know what to do.
Thanks so much!