Boy, it sucks, doesn't it? I have no desire to be back with my ex, but I so much wish that being with one parent didn't mean not being with the other, for my daughter. She's 3, too, just turned, and we've been split up since she was 18 mos. My ex is a good dad, too, and loves our daughter a lot. For all his emotional immaturity and difficulty with communication, we've created a relatively good situation.<br><br>
We never went to court, we didn't want the decisions to be taken out of our hands, and we both agreed from the beginning that we would base decisions on what was in dd's best interests. I had been a stay at home mom since Maya was born, and her dad slept in another room.<br><br>
We kept a joint bank account, that we still have, and we trust each other on that level. I work 2 days a week and he works full time, and we pool our money. I'm in charge of the money, paying bills, both our rents, etc. Luckily, our spending habits are similar and we trust one another on that level. Plus, there's never anything left over after expenses, so there's nothing extra to spend! I'm sure I use more of "his" money than the court would have given me if we'd gone that route. But the way I see it, it's a lot better for Maya to be with me all day than in day care while I work! Things are really tight, but it's totally worth it to me.<br><br>
We both decided from the beginning that she was too young for overnites with him, and that we'd wait til she was 3 to start them. She seemed ready back in January, so we did 1 overnite a week for a few weeks. Then she and I went away on a vacation for 9 days, and when we came back, she didn't want to sleep at papa's anymore, so we stopped. We're now thinking about starting them up again.<br><br>
My ex is pretty into his "single" lifestyle, but he is reliable when it comes to his time with her. He is with her from 9:30 to 6 on Mondays, while I work, then 6ish to 9:30 Wednesday nites (she's a nite owl, so that doesn't interfere w/ bedtime), 6ish to 9:30 pm Fridays, and on Sundays we either alternate, or we split the day. So she sees him every other day, at a minimum.<br><br>
But where we live is "home", and his house is "papa's house", which is also how he sees it, I think. I think he knows that I am more suited to the day to day ins and outs of intensive parenting than him, although whenever we get into a conflict he threatens to quit his job and tells me to get a full time job. But I think deep down he knows he wouldn't make it as a sahd for more than a few days.<br><br>
What's really hard for me is the "phase" she's going thru of never wanting to be separate from me (unless she's w/ one of her little buddies and their mom). So she begs me to stay and cries and it just kills me. The thing is, I know she always has fun with her papa, always has good things to say about their time, when I talk to her on the phone when she's with him, she's always happy, and her crying will stop after 1 or 2 minutes.<br><br>
HOWEVER, it taps into something in me, and she sees me hesitating, and that really just escalates things. I know I need to be upbeat and firm with her, "Yep, this is mama's time alone and your time with your papa. You're going to have a great time, and then I'll come back, I always do!" I hesitate and waffle, tho, cuz part of me just wishes we could all be together as a unit!! Again, I have no desire to be with him, but I so want her to have a life that isn't split up!<br><br>
But that's our reality and I know she'll be okay. We really want to start the 1 overnite per week again, but it feels weird to me doing it while she's in such a clingy phase to me. But maybe she needs more time with him? I don't know!!<br><br>
I will say, when there isn't drama during the transition, I sure appreciate the breaks I get, way more than I got when he and I were together, but not too much that I miss her. I don't know what our percentage is, but out of 168 hours in a week, he's with her 18 to 20, and I'm with her 148 to 150. Sometimes I'm sad that he doesn't want to be with her more, take a more active role, but the truth is he works 40 hours per week, and is with her probably 3/4 of the time he's not working. And even tho I'm exhausted and burnt out some times, I know that I am the lucky one, to be able to sleep with her every nite, and spend most of my days by her side. She is so precious and it is really such a gift.<br><br>
You guys might want to do some reading about what the common wisdom is around time with mom/time with dad at different developmental stages/ages. You might also see if he's willing to ease into a 50/50 thing, while you observe how your son is doing with it.<br>
Good luck, I know it isn't easy.
