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I was just wondering if anyone else has a hard time not "planning" fun time with your DH. We've been cosleeping with our first child her entire life wich is 13months.
We both love cosleeping and can't imagine it any other way. However it seems to put a huge damper on our intimate relationship.
: It seems that we only have time for one another when she falls alseep. Know this wouldn't be so bad but she falls asleep nursing around 8:00 and I always feel that its my responsibilty to go and get my husband off the computer and say ok time to play. There doesn't seem to be any romance or spontianity. We have made the guest bedroom our special place but it still sucks. Does anyone else out there share this problem? Or are there any suggestions on how to renew the passion? I just hate feeling that I still have to take care of DH needs after I take care of our DD. I would appercaite any feedback. Thank you!
 

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hugs mama!

Does your DH ever "make the first move" so to speak? DD nurses to sleep in the evening and sometimes dh will come in and rubmy back or feet while dd is nursing to sleep. Some nights this leads to our heading off to our guest room, some nights we just cuddle in bed with dd (shes 16 months btw and has always co-slept).

DH and I have very different emotional/demonstrative styles and I really had to sit down with him and explain very clearly the sorts of "little things" he could do that would make me feel loved. Not that I didn't think he loved me, but just little things that he could do to demonstrate that love. For example, he felt that there were things he was doing (like making dinner) that said "I Love You". But what I wanted were things like love notes, or a flower, or a chocolate bar, or a shoulder rub while I did the dishes, of his taking dd out for a walk so I could have some alone time.

So maybe if you could tell your husband exactly what you would like? Even give him a list? I know it sounds silly, but maybe over a cup of coffee in the morning just say "these are a few things I would love if you could do for me now and then". My guess is that your dh wont mind doing things that lead to more intimacy and a happier partner!

It can be hard to maintain an adult relationship with a young child in the house, no matter where that babe is sleeping. I hope you and your dh find a good solution soon...I know the strain of "taking care" of dh AND dc, and it's not a good one!
 

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IMHO, that would be that way whether you were co-sleeping or not. If you think about it, its the baby's erratic wake/sleep cycles that cause a difficult enviornment for spontaneity, not the fact that they are in your bed (like you said, you can go other places in the house like the guest room). I invite my mom over to watch dd for a couple hours while we have alone time together, eating dinner, watching a movie and "fun time" if possible. We have a big house so this is do-able, and she just brings her to me to nurse, etc. Its fun for her to because she looooves her Grandma!
 

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It can be hard to balance everyone’s needs after a new baby. Sex can get put off until later again and again until you think you may forget how to do it! I have found that if I leave sexy notes in my husbands lunch, or buy silky panties and then bend over in front of him (or something really overt like that) works for us. Our biggest change has been the times we’re intimate. We used to go to bed and fool around, now we find that mornings and afternoons are better. I like the change really; I’m tired at bedtime!
 

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I second the mornings and afternoons -- and with our kid, I also have found it works better when he's awake and playing elsewhere (exersaucer holds his attention for half an hour or so). Ds wakes up so easily when I'm not near him that it's harder to be sure of uninterrupted time that way.
 

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here are some things that may or may not help that we have learned by trial and error:
dp and I have an understanding that when I come out of the bedroom from nursing ds to sleep that he winds up whatever he is doing on the computer/video games. I don't have to go hassle him about it because he understands that it is important for me to feel that he WANTS to hang out with me.

I also think it helps a lot when we hang out, watch a TV show, have a glass of wine, whatever and talk and let it progress into "play" as it may...it's hard when you're thinking "we may only have 30 min before baby is up we better do it now" so we usually just hang out until ds wakes for the first time and then we know that we have just bought another hour or so and that things may progress to play if we want.

What is it that sucks about the guest room? not as cozy and homey as your bedroom? We turned our guest room into our bedroom- moved our comforter, lamps, candles, curtains, night tables, etc and that really helped it feel more like our bedroom.

The spontaneous moments are much fewer and further between than pre-baby but nap-time can = afternoon delight if your dh is home.
 

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I think it can often be important to remember that life has cycles; right now you're maybe in a low-action cycle, but things won't always be like this! So for now, the lovin' might be a little planned and feel a little weird (although you can used to anything, even "dates" that are just some nooky in the afternoon during nap time or play dates at other kids' houses!), but someday, the kids will be older, you'll have more free time, etc.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Lazyhead
It's definitely not as spontaneous as it used to be. Our couch certainly sees a lot more action than it used to!

I definatly agree with this
. We have also found if we can occupy the girls, in the morning, I can join dh in the shower. Sometimes it is just a nice time to talk with out interuption, but often turns into more than that IYKWIM
 

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Once dh and I gave up and trying to be intimate at nitetime, it really took the pressure off and now we have a great time watching fave taped tv shows or a rented movie while having a completely unhealthy snack.


We seem to prefer morning or afternoon. We both have more energy and the kids are easily occupied in the living room while we get to have our bedroom to ourselves. We often joke at the store, "should we pick up a bag of oreos for the kids for breakfast tomorrow morning?"


One idea I have for you is to tell your dh to "go get the room ready" or "be ready for me" or "start without me,
I'll be there after dd gets to sleep"; just a few ways for your dh to get more involved.

Hang in there, I agree with pp, its a cycle!
 

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I know it's not for everyone, but my partner and I have never had trouble being intimate in bed even though the baby's there. He's an incredibly light sleeper, but for some reason (the rocking of the bed or the fact that he senses we're there) he sleeps soundly through it every time.

I agree that explaining to your husband what would make you feel better is a great idea. He may just not be aware that you feel like you're always the one to initiate, and he may just enjoy not having to be the instigator -- but I know I get tired of always being the one to suggest sex, so it's only fair for both parties to share that role.
 

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Luckily your dd seems to respect that

Since she was younger she didn't even cry at nights when we where doing it and we are happy about that


Our dd wakes up at 9:30 in the morning and DH at 7 so, I join him in the bath to and I only left him a note in his jacket poket and I think that afternoon our dd was concieved
 

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This is a common problem for mothers. I have to say that in the past year (the end of my preg until now, DD 8 months) we have had sex maybe 4 times. (DH also works overnights which makes life hard) My Dh also doesn't seem to want it, and I have no sex drive because I am nursing. In a way I feel happy that he isn't pawing at me all the time.
But on that same token, I would like to feel desired once in a while!

We currently live in a new town where we don't know anyone for a 140 mile radius, BUT IF I DID live near people I knew I would schedule a romantic "date night" once a month when DD could go over to someone's house and I could spend alone time with DH.

I dunno, I always see these women who have Irish twins and think - seriously - HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
 

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I agree that this is not a cosleeping issue per se - DD started going ot sleep in her own bed at 18 months (joining us later in the night) and things didn't seem any more spontaneous then.

It's a new way of life, there are a lot of changes and I think after a while you get used to them and find a way to make things fun again.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by ndunn
IMHO, that would be that way whether you were co-sleeping or not. If you think about it, its the baby's erratic wake/sleep cycles that cause a difficult enviornment for spontaneity, not the fact that they are in your bed (like you said, you can go other places in the house like the guest room).
I totally relate to this! DH and I are pretty much NEVER alone, and cosleeping is just a tiny part of that, mostly it's because the baby wakes up early, stays up late, doesn't nap in the evening when I'm home from work... It wouldn't matter if we had alone time anyway, we are too tired to do anything!!!
 

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hear hear! we also put DS down to sleep in another room most nights and bring him in once he wakes up... but we're still tired and worrying that he's going to wake up any minute, and i'm just so glad for a moment's peace to be in control of my own life that i'm not raring to go, i just want to hole up and do things just for me.

i'm newly pg, though, so somehow we made things work
in fact for the first time last month we actually dtd in the same bed with ds. he's been sleeping more soundly than when he was younger, so i felt more ok about it. and it's a king size and he was way over on one side.
 

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Hmmm...

- try to hit afternoon naptime on the days that dh doesn't work

- go for the couch, a dining room chair...

- if he has a cell phone, call and leave suggestive messages on his voicemail when you know he won't answer

- let him know that you want his attention after dd goes to bed
 

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My Dd is five. And, yes, it does feel much more planned out now. We actually go to Dd's bed, the one she has never slept in. But, it's just not the same as rolling over in bed and being like, "oh, hey." We actually have to go to that bedroom and it all feels a lot less spontaneous. Oh, well, not much to do about that and I really wouldn't want it any other way, except for maybe a little less kicking.
 
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