[PajamaMama]

My daughter is 11 years old. Saturday we had company but she wanted to go outside to play with her friends so I said, OK, but you must come in for the night when the street lights come on. I noticed that they came on around 8:20, and at 8:45 I went outside to get her and have her come inside. I said, the consequence of this is that tomorrow you will not be allowed to play outside after dinnertime, since you did not come in when the street lights came on as we agreed.

Sunday she went outside to play. I told her that we would have dinner at 5:30 and so she needed to come inside for the evening by that time. Well, I was running late finishing dinner so when dinner was actually ready (almost 6:30) I went out to get her. I told her that as a consequence of this second lateness, she would be required to keep her watch on and to write the time she had to be inside on her hand with a Sharpie. (She said she was late because she forgot what time she was supposed to come inside)

So TODAY, she went outside to play. I wrote on her hand '2:00' and let her go on her way. I had to go to the bank today before 3:30, we needed to go buy dog food, and I had to send a fax. At 2:40 I had to go outside to get her. She was at her friend's house across the street in the back yard, her watch on a table nearby because they had been playing with water.

This is the 3rd day in a row that there has been a problem with coming inside on time. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to express to her the importance of coming inside to check in at a time we've agreed upon! My husband is away on business this week, and so I am home alone with her and with our 3 year old who is not feeling great and should not really be dragged around the neighborhood looking for elder dd, but the little one can't be left alone inside either. And after 40 minutes of being late, I have a need to make sure that elder dd is just ignoring me, and not injured or something.

I'm very frustrated and would love to hear some practical solutions. Especially if you have bd,dt. Thanks

 

[srain]

It sounds to me like she just can't handle this responsibility yet. Maybe she still needs you to call her in when it's time, so she needs to either stay within earshot or invest in a pager.

 

[slightly crunchy]

I have not BTDT so make sure you have some salt handy.

Have you tried sitting down with her, maybe after dinner dishes are done or whenever things are calmer, and stating the problem, and what your concerns are (need to know where she is, that you can trust her to come home when she says she will, or whatever the concern is for you). Then ask her to brainstorm problem solving ideas with you and be open to her ideas. Maybe some of them won't be acceptable (e.g. "I will stay out til whenever I want") but maybe you will come up with something that will work for both of you.

 

[allgirls]

Quote:

Originally Posted by srain It sounds to me like she just can't handle this responsibility yet. Maybe she still needs you to call her in when it's time, so she needs to either stay within earshot or invest in a pager.

yeah..those walkie talkies were great for my dd...she just couldn't remember, didn't want to quite yet come home when she was supposed to.

Now she's older I give her my cell if she's out so I can call her.

 

[alegna]

I agree that it's pretty clear that she can't handle the responsibility. The walkie talkies sound like a good idea.

-Angela

 

[slightly crunchy]

She is 11 so I imagine this is not the first week she has ever been allowed out to play and been asked to come in at an agreed upon time...what was working before?

 

[oregongirlie]

I'd have a small timer or alarm for her.

 

[volcaniclava]

i have this issue with my 8 year old. subscribing to see what people have to say. walkie talkies do work for us. just not always available.

 

[mommy68]

My son is almost 11 and as long as he has a watch on he can remember to come in when I ask him to. In fact, I pick him up at various camps throughout summer and he HAS to remember the time or else he'd be left behind. However, maybe your daughter is just forgetting the time. It's easy to get caught up in fun and just forget. I'm sure she doesn't mean to do it.

I don't know that I would punish her for it, maybe just figure out a good way to help her remember and if you tell her to come in at 5:30 for instance, then go outside yourself at 5:30 and say it's time to come in. There's nothing wrong with doing that as the parent.

She will eventually get to the point where she'll be more conscientious.

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I agree with other posters, and want to add a thought. Could she assume that you aren't serious about the time because you don't come find her soon after that time? You said dinne was at 5:30 but didn't go look for her till 6:30, so maybe in her head she's thinking "Well, she can't be serious about the time because it was an hour later when she came to find me?" Don't know, just a thought.

I think you have to either accept that she isn't ready for this and adapt your expectations/game plan -- for example going and getting her OR you need to provide some consequences for not paying attention. So far, it seems like your consequences were pretty mild. I might try "Since you can't remember to come home, you can't leave the yard today" or something. But then, mine are younger so I may be way off base.

 

[irinam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy68 and if you tell her to come in at 5:30 for instance, then go outside yourself at 5:30 and say it's time to come in. There's nothing wrong with doing that as the parent. .

I agree

I still remember the big playground in a city were I grew up and right about dinner time moms calling from the windows (sometimes the 1st story, sometimes 16th): "So-and-so-o-o! Time for di-i-nne-e-er!"

 

[chiro_kristin]

I agree that going out to get her at the time you agreed upon is a good idea. She might put down the walkie talkie or the timer, just like she did the watch.

 

[Potty Diva]

oNE OF TWO THINGS ARE TAKING PLACE, LIKE OTHERS HAVE SAID, 1) SHE ISN'T ready for the responsbility, or 2) she isn't taking you seriously. if it's the former then going out a few minutes before the desired time (and keeping her play restricted to ear shot) and saying, in a few minutes it will be time to come in (give her a get ready and transition period) and then at the time you would like her to come in call again. If it's the latter, I would restrict play to ear shot distances and continue with calling her at the time you want her in.

 

[perl]

digital watch with the alarm set?

 

[PajamaMama]

We're just going with 'I call you, you come in within 5 minutes' for now. That gives her time to say goodbye to her pals and gather her stuff and come it. It's been working the past couple of days.

 

[sapphire_chan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PajamaMama My daughter is 11 years old. Saturday we had company but she wanted to go outside to play with her friends so I said, OK, but you must come in for the night when the street lights come on. I noticed that they came on around 8:20, and at 8:45 I went outside to get her and have her come inside. I said, the consequence of this is that tomorrow you will not be allowed to play outside after dinnertime, since you did not come in when the street lights came on as we agreed.

Completely reasonable on your part.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PajamaMama Sunday she went outside to play. I told her that we would have dinner at 5:30 and so she needed to come inside for the evening by that time. Well, I was running late finishing dinner so when dinner was actually ready (almost 6:30) I went out to get her. I told her that as a consequence of this second lateness, she would be required to keep her watch on and to write the time she had to be inside on her hand with a Sharpie. (She said she was late because she forgot what time she was supposed to come inside)

When I was growing up the rule was you had to play at home while dinner was being made and you'd be called to come in an wash your hands when it was done. Of course, at 11 I was helping prepare dinner, my little 6 year old brother and I would be in charge of setting the table, then half the time he'd head out to play again while I read a book.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PajamaMama So TODAY, she went outside to play. I wrote on her hand '2:00' and let her go on her way. I had to go to the bank today before 3:30, we needed to go buy dog food, and I had to send a fax. At 2:40 I had to go outside to get her. She was at her friend's house across the street in the back yard, her watch on a table nearby because they had been playing with water.

Have you considered getting one of those inexpensive alarm watches and helping her set it for 5 minutes before she's supposed to be home? Dh and I have found that works far better for us when we're doing something requiring concentration. Constantly checking a watch often ends up with us not looking at the watch until it's too late.

 

[PajamaMama]

I just have to say, in addition to 'thank you' for all the different and interesting responses to my op,

Thank You to this forum for its existence!

It is so nice to ask a question and not have a dozen people saying 'Spank her!' and a dozen more chiming in with 'AND ground her!'

I <3 MDC.