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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi-I have recently had the realization that I am probably going to be a SAHM and not really have any friends IRL, I have a couple, but honestly it's getting more and more difficult to really connect with anyone.<br><br>
I've tried to go to our local mother's group, but found it was more draining for me than anything, my DD finds it boring and I guess I do too. Now we are taking a mom and tot yoga class, and again my DD finds it boring...I can just tell she sits through about 10 minutes before she is trying to make a disaster int he corner and go crazy. I was hoping to connect with some other mom's with toddlers, but my DD is exponentially more active than most kids her age. She is very bright and super active, and other kids that we encounter are just too mellow.<br><br>
I know am thinking about having another baby, in fact really soon. Part of me is really excited because it's going to be winter, I could be home and not have to try to feel like I need to be making friends and it could just be my family. My DH feels the same way, he just feels like we are just destined to be in a mellow family lifestyle, I am okay with it, but sometimes I wish that I had some friends to talk to, and go have coffee while the kids played.<br><br>
UGH...IDK what it is I am trying to say..I'm just feeling frustrated but on the same hand I feel like I've come to an epiphany.
 

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I completely sympathize. I've been there, am still there. Here's my experience.<br><br>
Honestly, I didn't have <i>any</i> friends, much less close friends, for a few years. Actually, I hadn't had a close girlfriend since high school. I was friendly with some couples I knew through my husband.<br><br>
That sort of changed when my daughter entered first grade. There were a few really outgoing, active, organized moms. Because my daughter, who is friendly and outgoing, made friends with their kids, I got invited along to some events. I volunteered a lot, too, so I got to know them better.<br><br>
I think I'm lucky to have met these outgoing women. Basically they like organizing parties. I'm not as outgoing. So after eight years I've drifted away from the group. However, I'm still close friends with one of them. That first year we started a Girl Scout troop (I really detest it, but I struggle along for the sake of my kid) together. Our families match well. Their daughter is my daughter's <i>best friend.</i> Their son is friends with my son. The kids have been taking summer swim lessons together going on eight years now.<br><br>
I consider myself very <i>lucky</i> to have met these women. And it's because some of them are simply really gregarious, out going, like to organize events. And because my own daughter happens to make friends easily, easier than I do. Both these things are out of my hands. My one girlfriend and I get together regularly because we do Girl Scouts, and because our daughters are friends. I try hard to reciprocate and maintain this friendship.<br><br>
SAHMs are isolated. We don't have the built-in structure that school provides us when we're young and have friends. Work provides friends for some people, too. Religious organizations, too. What they do is provide opportunities to find a friend, but they don't hand you friends.<br><br>
It is challenging, but it got easier when my daughter started school.<br><br>
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Just wanted to add that I think MDC fill a really need this way. I can at least come chat with like-minded moms, and talk about all the things we'd also talk about with girlfriends. It's definitely why I spend more time here than I do taking care of the house.
 

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I hear you. I made that decision a few years ago as well, and for the most part it was a relief, and very freeing (although today I feel annoyed that there is not one compatible person other than my family around me!) I would rather take the pressure off and not force anything, you know? I think only good can come out of being honest with oneself.
 

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I feel you! I haven't had a good friend since I was about 15, to be honest. I have social anxiety, so I guess that is a main reason why I find it so incredibly draining and stressful to try to find friends. Well, that and I just rarely feel a connection. I'm also very content spending time at home with my son, my husband, and my cats. You are not alone, heh.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
What's hard for me is that I do have friends that have common ideas, values, kiddos etc...but they live away from me and it's just frustrating right now, I just wish they lived closer so we could hang out. Ugh..I just feel frustrated, because I have some parts of me that are mellow and then other parts are just too abrasive for some "softer" individuals. IDK..it's so hard to explain.
 

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i've been thinking about this a lot lately, too. my friends are flaky and hard to get in touch with and lately i dont have the energy to try. i however am not content sitting at home because i start to feel like my kids are going to drive me insane. i wish i could strike a happy balance.
 

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I'm in the same boat. I have one friend who has a child, whom I met when I was working, before either of us became pregnant. We really have nothing in common and she parents completely differently than I do (which would be fine I guess, if she wasn't sometimes confrontational about it). In fact, I sometimes hope when the phone rings it isn't her because I usually wind up feeling bad by the time our conversation ends. I have a couple other friends who have no kids, and like someone else said, are just kind of flakey.<br><br>
I sometimes think I'd like to make a few more friends who I really click with, but I haven't found any yet where I live. I tried going to a LLL meeting, but I get very anxious meeting new people, especially in a group setting. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
My one good friend is kinda the same way, she doesn't get how my DD doesn't nap or sleep well, and she just has that general *guilty mom* complex, where if she doesn't do enough she feels guilty. It drives me crazy, and when we do hang out she always just wants so much for her son to do, the poor kid is over stimulated.<br><br>
I am in the same boat with the flaky friends, I have another girlfriend who always says she wants to visit etc...but when it comes down to it she never does. It's so annoying<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll">.
 

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and in additon to my friends being kind of flakes (some of them, not all), the other people i hang out with...i dont really have a connection with. i'm not that excited to hang out with them most of the time. and at this time, i have NO interest whatsoever in trying to meet new people. that just sounds draining and i dont really want to just hang out with people and talk about our kids. that gets really old. ykwim...there are moms, and then there are MOMS who just want to talk nap schedules, poop problems, what school they are going to try to get them into (SO tired of that conversation), nothing much to talk about besides what their kid is doing. i kind of hate moms <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"> i just want one (or two) hip, young-ish cool mom friends who like to just hang out and chat...is that so much to ask?
 

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Its challenging to get to know other moms while you HAVE to keep part and at time all of your attention on your dh (when young). So I also recently said to myself "its ok, my time for friends is later, now is my time to be a full time mother". And a few moms I know that do have a busy social life w/ friends, their kids are always grumpy, getting dragged around to friends houses, parks coffee etc, on moms schedule, not the kids (naps etc).
 

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I hear you. I had some close sahm friends when my older kids were little, but they didn't have a third and are busy doing what they do now. My third guy is a little tougher - he just isn't a go with the flow kind of kid which makes it tough to hangout and meet new people. We are also planning to move soon which makes any new friendship almost feel like a waste of time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
I have started to LOVE being alone. It really is a relief to just embrace it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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after I posted this I was thinking about some of the posts and do have to say that some of this is about a happy medium. jeteaa mentioned moms who have a busy social life and are always dragging their kids places...finding a nice balance between not having any friends and never doing anything with friends and ALWAYS dragging the kids out on our schedules is probably a good idea. For me too...some of the best friends I made when my kids were little were the few moms who also seemed equally kid centered and who I was able to spend very little time with...over the years though the time adds up, yk?
 

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Me too! Me too! Me too!<br><br>
I have three friends from childhood that live across the country and I have programed into my cell. So I'm on the phone a lot. That's my socialization at the moment. And MDC has saved me over the past 4 years and I just found facebook (silly but a fun way to keep up with friends).<br><br>
I'm really outgoing I think. I'll stop and talk to you anywhere - the market, the street, I don't care anymore. I feel shy and embarrassed but if we both have kids or if you have cute comfortable shoes (always on the look out for that - still no luck) I'll stop you. I don't care anymore. I'd rather share (or create) a quick awkward moment for a second than wish I had done. I recently stopped a mom walking with a double stroller cuz I had one too - that was enough for me. We hang out now a bit. I wanted to find someone to walk with.<br><br>
So I do that. Then when dd was born (now 3.5 yo) we did it all - LLL, moms group, music together, post natal yoga, I started a yahoo group. I found I was helping moms become friends but I was still on the outside. It happened several times that they became close and stopped inviting me and/or I stopped wanting to go. I got exhausted and stopped 'doing' group things.<br><br>
Now I'm just waiting until they go to school and am hopeful! I often hear that making friends gets easier when they start school (as someone mentioned here). So I wait. Also, now that our second child (2 years apart) is older the three of us stay busy doing house stuff - cleaning, market, errands.<br><br>
And I'm really trying to be my own friend. I know that sounds terribly nerdy. But I don't want to look to the outside to have a laugh. I can't wait to have a good time. So I'm trying to lighten up and laugh at the small things. (This works best for me when I'm a well rested mom... once a month maybe!)<br><br>
But honestly - what I wouldn't DO for a moms night out! To talk about it all - kiddos, the future, the past, sex, lack of sleep, this stuff! How fun would that be!??!? I'd go in a heart beat!
 

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Seems like this is not uncommon. Even on the other side of the world!<br><br>
I too am looking forward making new friends when my kids go to school...(although I really hope I like the friends they make and their parents LOL).
 

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It seems to me that moms tend to band together during infanthood and school-age, but not really during toddlerhood. We're too busy running around keeping X from getting into Y or jumping on Z! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
I've found that MDC fills part of the empty space. I try to find moms on MDC who I can chat with individually (actually found one in my city a few days ago!) and get close to, and it seems to help. DH tells me that the school out here that Mori will go to has a ton of active parents (this is 'his' family's town, so he would know!) and I'm looking forward to volunteering, PTO'ing, or whatever to be involved. I want to be very involved with my child's education since the chances of us homeschooling are pretty low.<br><br>
But it's rough during toddlerhood! Just remember, this too shall pass. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> And then when your DC calms down a bit and grows up a bit, you can take more time for you. Sucks, but hey, kids are worth it, right? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I'm just thankful for MDC and the few chances I DO get to talk to another human being other than DH!
 

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I was struggling with this issue. I moved to a new city when I got married, then left my career when I had my daughter. It was hard to keep the friendships active that I had as a single childless career person.<br><br>
Once I realized I wasn't going to have the same intensity of friendships that I had in high school and college and even as a single person, I started to appreciate the women around me more.<br><br>
Now instead of one best friend who I turn to for everything and do everything with, I have a whole set of women (and some men) who collectively meet most of my needs.<br><br>
I rely a HUGE deal on the internet and strongly belive that relationships we build online are real. I don't think they should replace face to face interaction, but it certainly helps keep the loneliness away when you can connect with someone any time of day or night online.<br><br>
I would encourage you to take a look around you as you go about your week. There may be more people than you realize that you talk with regularly that you could consider a "park friend" or a "library friend" or a "grocery store friend".....they may never turn into the best friend you had in high school, but a few friendly words here and a few more there can go a long way when you are home with little ones most of the day!<br><br>
It may sound silly but I go to the same cashier in the produce market every week because she "knows" me and my daughter. A few minutes of friendly chatter makes the shopping trip more fun and helps me feel more connected in a new city.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
For me it's not so much toddlerhood, but the lack of any person that is my type. There are many women around here who do have children my DD's age, but we are just not connecting at all. I think that I am too much for others. I am outgoing, and talkative, but I am surrounded by quiet people, ugh it's hard to explain-I know I've already said that.<br><br>
I guess I'll just have to make friends on MDC.
 

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I've found it hard to make friends IRL since having children. I used to go to lunch with friends when I worked outside the home, even when my oldest child was a baby. But then I became a SAHM and that all changed. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I do connect with a lot of moms now that we homeschool. I stayed real involved in activities with other homeschoolers, but no real friendships have formed. Everyone seems to stick to their own little friends that they already have or they have close family members. I'd love to have one friend that homeschools that I have a lot in common with that I could do things with occasionally, but most HS moms like weekends free to relax, go to church and spend time with their hubby, which I also like to do. No time during the week to do much except chit-chat at homeschool functions.<br><br>
Now that I'm an adult I really wish I got along with my older sisters better. We don't. I'd have instant friends there if we did. I am very close to my brother and his wife, however.
 

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I really identify with this. I have a few moms that I see on a weekly or biweekly basis and a few more randomly but we never seem to make playdates anymore. Especially over the summer. I feel like I have absolutely no social life and no plans, dates, appts, or anything. When I call up my mom friends to see if they want to have a playgroup they always have full calendars and have to fit me in somewhere. My calendar is blank save for a monthly family birthday or a holiday. I don't understand how some women have such busy full lives and I am stuck wracking my brain for a reason to leave the house a few times a week.<br><br>
I do see some light at the end of the tunnel when my son starts school. I look forward to having a semi full calendar kind of makes life worth living.<br><br>
But I guess thats a little off topic. As far as personally connecting with other moms......There seems to be an awesome assortment of AP minded crunchy moms in my area its just like- how do you take that step forwad with them? I guess it is the whole toddler thing. We can't go for coffee and most of them have 2 or more so its really hard to get out by ourselves.....<br><br>
Hmmm. I have been a hermit lately and I am finding that it is sort of by my own choice. Maybe I am having my own epiphany. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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arggggh i have been in this place for the last 8 years. i think i have numbed myself to the fact lately that i have no friends and will have none in the forseeable future. i had a falling out this summer with someone i thought was a good friend and that was crushing in so many ways. i made some embarrasing attempts to connect with another mom who kept saying she was interested in getting together but she never did end up calling me back or hooking up with me. it's hard not to feel rejected and somewhat cautious about making attempts now. there is another woman i am on the verge of asking out for coffee but am bracing myself for the likely rejection on that too.<br><br>
i live in a very rural area, no moms groups or groups of any kind really. my kids are no longer smaller too so moms and tots stuff is out. i tried spin class last year - no luck. one class at christmas the instructor started talking about all the christmas parties everyone was going to do and it was all i could do not to cry.<br>
i do go to the gym 3 days a week but never meet any women beyond hi see you later. i know lots of people casually but no one seems interested in anything further.<br><br>
i think i have regressed socially or something, sometimes i feel really ackward around people now <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> can't help but think the only reason i have no friends is because of who i am.
 
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