Communication Breakdown vent

948 Views 9 Replies 7 Participants Last post by lisavark, Feb 13, 2010

Ardor

Discussion Starter · Feb 8, 2010

So the thing I love about FAM is also the thing I hate right now. I liked this method because it involved my partner more in the birth control decision making. Unfortunately, while I thought he's been listening for the past, oh, THREE YEARS, he told me he has no idea what I'm talking about when I say sticky, wet, or even fertile! I shouldn't say he has no idea, he has no desire to remember what any of those things mean. We've talked about having another baby and he knows that I'm ready to try for another one anytime now, so when he decides not to put on a condom when I tell him "my CF is watery so that means the sperm can survive days until I ovulate" or "I really don't know what's going on right now, my signs are confusing me, we should wear a condom" I take that to mean he is OK with the risk of getting pregnant this cycle. Now he's telling me that if I haven't been specifically saying "it is not safe" or "it is safe" that I'm confusing him and he assumes its safe. I told him that maybe we need to talk about it when we're not about to have sex, which we do, but he probably zones out on me, and that his desire to DTD is blocking his ears, but he just looks at me confused again.

Am I really expecting too much? I told him from now on he's in charge of condoms and I'm telling him "safe" or "not safe" since he seems to only understand two words.

Does anyone else deal with this? Or are all your partners bookmarking the pages of TCOYF?

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InMediasRes

· #2 · Feb 8, 2010

Um, no. My DH has the same problem, except he always defaults to "not safe" and wears a condom every single time.

I don't know that I expect him to know all the nuances of my body like I do, but I would like it if he would at least read my chart and recognize where I am in the cycle. I still think this may be asking too much for him. We've recently had so little time to DTD that we are usually planning well in advance of the actual foreplay, so I know it's not a one-track-mind thing. He will usually ask "is it a good day?" though.

I recently told him that the BC is now up to him. I apprise him of what's going on with me, but he's in charge of making the decision. He knows I want another baby, so if he doesn't he can make the choice.

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emjaybee

· #3 · Feb 8, 2010

I think men have trouble with having responsibility in this area. I've told my husband repeatedly that if he's really not interested in any more, then he needs to look into vasectomy. This is a big deal for me, as I DO want another, but have painfully accepted that I can't force it on him. But my family has a history of oopses, too.

But he keeps putting it off, and not wearing a condom either (I have a diaphragm, but you know, oopses happen) because again, I think he wants to just not think about his role in this decision.

And now we potentially DO have an oops, and I'm both happy and not very sympathetic to any moaning he does, because, you know? Takes two to tango.

Would be nice not to have to keep trying to make him understand that, though!

I tell you one thing; I will be speaking to my son at LENGTH when the time comes about this topic, not just how to use contraception, but that it is NOT all the woman's responsibility but his too.

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Ardor

Discussion Starter · #4 · Feb 8, 2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by emjaybee

And now we potentially DO have an oops, and I'm both happy and not very sympathetic to any moaning he does, because, you know? Takes two to tango.

Same here - he's trying to act like I messed up reading my signs when I told him what was going on and even suggested using a condom. I think maybe he's getting lazier because he knows we're planning to have another one, but he really shouldn't try and make me feel guilty about his lack of action to prevent. If we're going to prevent, he needs to do his part.

I agree about teaching sons that they're also responsible for birth control, but that comes a lot from seeing my brothers' girlfriends get "pregnant" right when they're about to break up and then have a "miscarriage" a week later. I know that sometimes REALLY happens, but in these instances their girlfriends told me they had lied about it. Ugh.

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Ardor

Discussion Starter · #5 · Feb 8, 2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by InMediasRes

I recently told him that the BC is now up to him. I apprise him of what's going on with me, but he's in charge of making the decision. He knows I want another baby, so if he doesn't he can make the choice.

It's great that your husbands words/actions are consistent! I think I'll have to try this.

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Baby_Cakes

· #6 · Feb 8, 2010

Maybe it's just too much information for him, OP. I would also lose my husband at "mucus". He doesn't want to know that. Why not just say, safe or not safe?
While it would be great for him to be really into it, it doesn't seem like he is and having an oops due to miscommunication seems really horrible to me. Especially when it would be really easy for you to clear it up, but not so easy for him to really learn your signs, etc.

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Ardor

Discussion Starter · #7 · Feb 8, 2010

Baby Cakes - This morning he asks me if it's a safe day, I say yes, and he wants to know specifically why I think so. That's the usual case. So even when I try to limit his info, he wants to know more. I think this is the frustrating part, he gives me the impression that he's interested in specifics, but I'm learning that he can't actually process the information I give him. Maybe he's just asking out of habit?

Also, it's not an oops if you just don't use protection. We're both very well aware of the failure rate of "nothing"

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pinkgeek

· #8 · Feb 9, 2010

My DH doesn't even know when I have my AF unless I tell him that we aren't DTD b/c of it - despite the box of tampons on the floor next to the toilet! Given, we each have our own bathroom, but mine is right next to the closet that we share.

We had a conversation recently about me really wanting a baby and I think things went well. It was definitely funny to me though that he didn't even know that sperm can stay alive for 5 days. He was SHOCKED! LOL!

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listipton

· #9 · Feb 10, 2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by emjaybee

I'm in the same boat too!

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lisavark

· #10 · Feb 13, 2010

Huh. It never even occurred to me to explain the details of NFP to my husband. (Granted, I'm not sure I understand them very well myself...

) But when we're about to have sex, he says, "Can you get pregnant now?" and I say "yes" or "I don't think so." (I never say no, lol. Never quite that confident!)

On the other hand, *he's* the one who's been wanting to get pregnant again, and *I'm* the one who's been wanting to wait (we're sort-of TTC now), so maybe that makes a difference?

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