[vermonttaylors]

Hi ladies,
this is my first post on TTC. Here's what's going on.

I have 2 amazing, beautiful babes adopted from Kazakhstan. I love them with every fiber of my being.

In 2004, we found out we have male partner infertility but that we were good candidates for IVF/ICSI. We did one round and it didn't work after which we threw ourselves into the adoption process. The experience was so profoundly amazing, that we thought we would adopt our whole family and by-pass birth children.

One year after we brought ds home, we were back in Kaz to adopt our beautiful dd. They are only 10 months apart and are best friends and adore each other. We are so lucky to be blessed with such beautiful children.

We know we want more kids, so I have started the process of looking into countries to adopt from again.

BUT

I am having twinges of wanting to be pregnant too. It would have to be IVF/ICSI and my husband woulf have to undergo another surgery as well, and of course there is the chance it wouldn't work. But I'm OK if the results are negative, I just feel like maybe we should give it one more try.

HERE IS MY BIG DILEMA (finally, right?

)

I don't want ds and dd to feel like what I really wanted was to be pregnant and that they were actually a second choice. I would rather stick hot pokers in my eyes than give them a moments pause as to whether or not they were wanted.

Do you think it would be too hard a family dynamic to have some birth kids AFTER adoption? Or should we stick with what we know works and be a rainbow family. We could always adopt again after a pregnancy (did I mention we want a big family

: ).

I am thinking out loud here, but I would really value your thoughts. I am worried I will regret not trying one more time for pregnancy. But I would happily forego that honor if it meant ensuring my children's sense of home and family.

Please advise. Thank you all oh wise mamas!

 

[mama_nym]

My opinion....

Living your life with the regret that you didn't try one more time may have a more negative effect on your children than trying. If you do have a biological child, it will add to the rainbow family that you have, not take anything away from the children you already have through adoption...or the children you'll adopt in the future. If the love is there for all the children, no one will feel like a second choice.

I had a friend in high school who was the fourth of seven children. She was the only biological child. The big joke in their family was that her parents went to all ends of the earth to have 6 of their children, and only down the street to have her (the bio child). All of the children knew that they grew in their parents dreams and hearts before they grew in anyone's belly - that they were wanted and loved before they were born - and that their parents went to great lengths (the adoption process, waiting, travelling to other countries or a series of infertility treatments, surgeries and procedures) to have all of them.

 

[vermonttaylors]

Thank you! That was beautifully said. May you have a babe in your arms soon.

 

[sapphire_chan]

I wonder if parents who can't even try to have biological children worry that their children will think that they were only adopted because their parents couldn't have children? Do people who were planning for 5 kids who have 4 girls worry that their girls will figure they're trying for a boy? Do people who were planning for 6 kids who have 5 boys worry that their boys will figure they're trying for a girl?

Your children know that you're their parents. They know who "mommy" and "daddy" are and that you love them completely. They'll probably think you're coming up with a new and spiffy way to produce a sibling--your ds might even remember getting his little sister and enjoy not having a long plane flight.

Plus they'll be all kinds of excited watching your belly grow and feeling their little brother or sister kick and helping choose the name for the new baby.

However, there are idiots in the world. Idiots who might lie to your kids and say crap like "finally had one of your own, I see". Of course if you didn't have a child with your genetics those same idiots would lie to your kids and say crap like "don't you wish you could have your *own* baby?" (And they also say stupid and hurtful things to people who *never* adopted children, and to people who don't have children, and so on and so forth.) And your response in both cases is to look at the idiot like they're something particularly nasty at the bottom of your shoes and reply very sweetly, but with hidden menace "Yes, my children are wonderful aren't they?" and continue to be a loving and wonderful mama.

 

[Sarah'sMama]

I'd say, if the urge is that strong to try once more for a bio child, then you should go for it. If there is a little regret now, maybe it will be more intense in 10/20/30 years. What if the tables were turned, and you had bio child(ren) prior to adopting? Do you think that your bio child would be resentful of an adopted sibling? Most kids are just thrilled to have siblings to play/fight with. I've looked at your very beautiful website, and it is so apparent what great parents you and your dh are. You have made such a home for your family, and I think any way that it expands, you will be blessed and will provide so much love and attention.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[kewpie-o]

No words of wisdom or advice here......just wanted to tell you that your adoption website is awesome and your kids are really gorgeous! Looks like they have such a loving home!

 

[May-lily]

Hi Vermonttaylors!
I read your website a few months ago and loved it so much I put Kazakhstan at the top of list if I ever adopt!
I just underwent ivf/icsi for male factor and I live in VT so we have a few things in common!
I don't know that I have any advice other than follow your heart and maybe talk to a counselor who specializes in adoption?
A friend of friends adopted two children and got pregnant completely unexpectedly 10 years later. The whole family was thrilled and their take on it was: it took two of us to go find the first two, but it took the love of all four of us to make this baby. As far as I know they're all doing great.

I totally understand the one more try thing...that's why I held out for ivf when my husband would have been ready to move on to donor or adoption years ago.
Good luck and if you want more info on my ivf/icsi experience PM me. I'm not sure how soon I'll check this thread again.

M

 

[massaginmommy]

See my signature.

Our daughter is adopted and our youngest son was a "surprise your reversal really did work baby". DD will be 6 next month and she and her baby brother(3.5 yrs) love each other as much as we love them both and their older brothers. Your children will know that there is no difference in your love for them no matter how they joined your family. They are lucky you got picked to be their mommy.

 

[OTMomma]

Following your heart is never wrong.

You are a wonderful mother for thinking so hard about this! Don't create regrets, live fully and your children will too.

Peace,

 

[Starr]

April- I think it is only natural to have feelings of what if and maybe this time. Your kids look to be loved and very well attached. I don't think you becoming pregnant would change that. We are in a similar boat where I am starting to think about TTC and then think well maybe we could afford to adopt just one more time. I would love to expereince pregnancy and get pampered on and feel all the little kicks, but I love adopting and that journey too. I would go with whats in your heart and soul because its gotten two beautiful babies already.

Also how did the moving go or haven't you moved yet?

 

[vermonttaylors]

Thanks everyone!

The more I think about it, the more I think I want to try again, next year. If dh is on board, of course. I think you all said it well that it is better to follow your heart and live with as few regrets as possible.

I don't care one iota about the baby being our genetic offspring, I just want to experience pregnancy. If the baby came out Kazakh, that would be fine with me

.

Anyway, I'll continue to lurk here and learn from you wise ttc mamas.

Starr, we moved exactly one month ago and it has been great, although I miss the farm terribly and the unpacking process is rather slow with 2 toddlers. That part could take months at this rate

: How's Miss Olivia?