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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
this has been on my mind a lot lately so I am posting just to get it out and I guess work on just how I'm feeling about it.

dd's father is in another state...we havent seen him for exactly 8 months today. I havent spoken to him for a month now and I keep thinking about him, wondering how he is...I have internet access to some info and I know financially he is still not doing well and I can just imagine emotionally that he is struggling w/things in general. I have thought about calling him out of concern but he really doesnt communicate with me anyway so then I feel, what is the point of that...I am still healing from that part of my life and growing into this new chapter and my instincts tell me that I have to look past those feelings of concern even though maybe my heart is feeling very concerned. I"m confused because I do not want to open myself up to him and be vulnerable..that has happened once since we left, we both opened up to eachother but it didnt take long for us to hit our usual problems and stop the direction we were heading.

It must be natural to have feelings like this so early after seperating ? I have reminded myself about the way he has treated me during our four years together and that stops me from reaching out to him. Everyday I keep expecting in the back of my mind for him to call...I definitely still care.
 

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Maybe send/email him some new pictures of the your daughter. If he isn't doing well emotionally that might help. (My bf is a single dad whose daugther lives 2000 miles away.) maybe you do this already, but if she's almost 4 maybe you could have your daughter write him a note, or draw him a picture and send that to him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I've done both and he never will send a response...I've suggested that he could send a disposable camera and I could take pics of dd and send it back which he never did...I dont even know if I have a reliable address for him, we sent a bday card from dd and it ended up going to Iraq and back to us because of issues with his change of address since redeploying.

I hadnt thought of emailing/more pics, I sent some a month or two ago and he didnt say anything until I asked if he got them...I dont feel he has bonded with her or is capable of it
he seems to be happy to have us gone so that he doesnt have to deal with the issues it brings up in him to be around us.

It took me posting this here to really realize how much this has been bothering me. I'm not sure if it is pride keeping me from being the one to get in touch...I left him a voice mail 4 weeks ago today asking if he might send a few things for dd that we left there to help her since she was having a rough time with our move and he never called back. I dont know if there is really anything I can do to help dd have a relationship with him and I also feel mabye this is for the best yet, I have those caring thoughts about him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I've written only some vague details about our situation although I appreciate your replies on another side of this issue I also feel you may be making some assumptions here.

I have done all I could to facilitate a relationship between my dd and her dad including moving 1200 miles away from our home to give it another try with him (after all his promises that he wanted it too) so that she could have her daddy in her life, my instincts were screaming out to me that this wasnt a good idea but I did it anyway because that is how important it was for me to do all I possibly could for our family...while I was told more than once to pack my [email protected]$# and get the f!*@ out in front of dd for no reason except his own pain..this is the same man who has abused me with complete disregard for our dd...the same man who ignored our little tiny girl as she knocked at his bedroom door because she wanted attention from daddy but was ignored for weeks on end when he moved out of our family bedroom and decieded he didnt want to deal with us anymore.

Dont assume that I would be so "cruel" as to deny a father who wanted a relationship with his child that relationship. He hasnt responded to written emails...its fine not to respond to picture emails..yet, he has every single email I wrote him while he was deployed saved in his inbox...he has a huge wall up and his feelings are so blocked off that it includes dd. I know this person better than anyone and I do care...I am confused about how to handle this while maintaining my dignity...it has been incredibly hard and painful to be treated like dirt by him for my dd and I...it is my responsibility to protect and care for that little girl he has left that to me by his choice, that is not what I wanted but that is what is.
 

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Mystic~Mama


It sounds very painful. I am so sorry. Given his abusive past, and what you have shared about what has happened ... I would let him go. If he wants to get in touch he will. It sounds to me as if you have not only done everything you could, but have gone above and beyond (IMHO) in trying to maintain a connection with this man for your daughter's sake.

I have been with an abusive man, too. As hard as it is, given the love you once shared, you are both better off without him. Safer too! Men who physically, mentally and emotionally abuse their families don't get better without a lot of help -- and the desire to do so has to come from the man in question. He is the only one who can make the decision to become a good father to your little girl.

Focus on healing. Focus on your little daughter. And focus on building a good life together, regardless of whether or not he decides to get in touch. Life is too short.
 

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mystic~mama I have to offer you a


I know how hard it is not to reach out to an ex when you feel that
he might be feeling low. I offered my friendship to my ex over and
over again. I took late night phone calls, when I was sleeping, to
talk him down when he was trying to get sober. At the time I felt
like it was my duty to dd to be there for her father. Now sometimes
I look back and I feel like a fool. I only offered friendship, I didn't
feel like it would lead us back together, but a true friend would have
given me some comfort too. Especially on issues regarding dd.

It's hard not to worry about the men we love/have loved. Even
after breakups...even the bad ones.

Keep on keeping on for you and dd. Your a great mom. He will
have to be a big boy and keep on for himself. It's not your job...
but I can greatly understand why you would worry.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
thank you zyla and trinity...i posted this looking for support/understanding not to have to defend my actions as a single mama.

your replies do help...a lightbulb went off for me (as I was posting my original reply which was lost..) that this has come up for me right now because I am actively working on/healing my issues with men. It is true that ex is a grown person making his own descions whether he chooses to take responsibility for them or not (regardless of this, I am no longer there for him to take out his pain on) and that there really is nothing I can do to help him more than what I already have done and for me to call out of "concern" would be giving him my power (again) it would open pandoras box and I do not want to go there, am not willing to go there which is the part of me that has stopped me from calling which I reffered to as "pride" in my pp..actually it is my concern for myown well being (which directly effects dd's wellbeing) which is keeping me from calling him... this concern I've been feeling seems to follow my pattern/karma with men which my compassionate nature makes very confusing to sort out at times. This is coming up for me right now I feel because I am learning to establish firm bounderies and respect myself in my relationships with men.
 

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This is a normal part of the healing process mama, it sounds like you are moving forward. Moving forward is all you can do at this point. It sounds like you have done anything and everything you could to allow ex to have a relationship with your dd and he has chosen not to for whatever reason. You cannot force a grown man to do something that he does not want to or is not ready to do. I don't think you should call him. You've called, you've e-mailed, you've left messages, you've made it obvious where you stand and so has he. Release him. Let all of your hopes for him go. Don't waste any more energy on him. Continue on your path to healing.

You are at a crossroads now, you are ready to move on but still not so sure you should. You can do it mama. Take control of your life back, don't let him have it. Be strong and remember that you are your daughter's role model. You are showing her how women should be treated by men. It sounds like you are certainly moving in the right direction. Don't be afraid.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by mystic~mama
thank you zyla and trinity...i posted this looking for support/understanding not to have to defend my actions as a single mama.
As well as you should. The support and understanding is very
important in this forum.

Understand it's hard for some not to put their own issues into
their posts. Before we all post we should all try to clear our
minds of our own issues, before responding to another persons
issue.


Quote:

Originally Posted by mystic~mama
... this concern I've been feeling seems to follow my pattern/karma with men which my compassionate nature makes very confusing to sort out at times. This is coming up for me right now I feel because I am learning to establish firm bounderies and respect myself in my relationships with men.
We could start a support thread on this. I slip back (I don't think
I am ever strong in this area, you just think more on it sometimes).
It's so hard. I want to be the person that I am. I want to be able
to feel comfortable enough to be the compassionate person that I
am, but most times I am too scared because of the past. Trusting
those who don't deserve it. But holding back isn't the real me. So
it's a constant back and forth in my head. It can confuse the best
of us.

Take care Mystic.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Jilian
Don't waste any more energy on him. Continue on your path to healing.
:

ITA with Trinity and Zyla as well. There's nothing you can really do, so by trying, the only person who would be affected emotionally is you. You've been through enough, don't add this burden to yourself. (((hugs)))
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jilian
Release him. Let all of your hopes for him go. Don't waste any more energy on him. Continue on your path to healing.

... Don't be afraid.
this really speaks to me.

thank all of you beautiful mamas
:
 

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sounds like he's having readjustment issues on top of prior issues, which can't be easy on him or on you...
s:

You say you have access still to his banking and email accounts... perhaps you should stop looking, perhaps if you don't you can convince yourself he's using his hardship pay and all to get himself back into good financial shape and that will lessen your worry & stress levels..
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Kaitnbugsmom
sounds like he's having readjustment issues on top of prior issues, which can't be easy on him or on you...
s:

You say you have access still to his banking and email accounts... perhaps you should stop looking, perhaps if you don't you can convince yourself he's using his hardship pay and all to get himself back into good financial shape and that will lessen your worry & stress levels..
its hard to say exactly what issues he is having even for me...he is a deep and sensitive person who hides behind such a wall and joining the military has definitely hardened him.

I have access to a few things...we share a cell phone account and did share a bank acct so I have access to those...I look at his account once in awhile to see how he's doing there...the last time he put effort into communiating was when I got our taxes done and we worked out together how to split up our refund which he said he would use to get himself out of the red which he hasnt and it was causing me some stress because I rely on his financial support but I no longer stress over it...I know him well enough to know that he wouldnt take that away not that the military would let him...I have brought up what he has been like as a partner and I also want to add that he has always been a dedicated worker and has always been very generous financially....I'm also feeling in agreement with you that it would be better for me if I did not "check on him"...taking over the cell phone in my name and getting a local number is something I have been wanting to do but resist because it would be another bill yet, breaking away from him in that way just might be worth it.
 

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Breaking those ties of cell phone and accounts sounds like a good plan, Mystic~Mama. Create some boundaries, claim some space for yourself: the symbolism alone will likely help you. It's been eight months since you've seen one another, right? It sounds like you're ready to spread your wings.

Remember, you are a strong woman, growing a precious girl-child up to womanhood -- keep breathing, and take it all one step at a time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I definitely feel I am spreading my wings
we are now living in our own apartment and I'm studying and pursing my passions to work as a doula...dd and keep growing closer and really enjoying our time together and at the same time we are starting to find more independance from eachother...still, for some reason I resist taking the cell phone leap
not sure if that has to do with keeping that connection with him,,,i'm sure that has a part in it but so does the $$ aspect.
 

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mystic mama, as much as this cliche is over used but it is so true that time is the great healer. given time and your effort things will fall in place.

also just because you have severed your ties doesnt mean your heart will stop feeling for him. for me my release came when i recognized i dont have to 'give him up'. i dont have to wipe him from my mind. i discovered i will always care for him. if he ever needs me i will always be there for him - whether i get hitched or not. i will never allow him to be homeless in his old age. that doesnt mean i am hoping for him to come back. it means my physical ties with him has ended. but my spiritual ties with havent. how could i ever cut off the deep feelings i have had for him for 9 + 2 years. and it is this acknowlegement that has set me free. he is a good human being and a good father. his problems are just with me - his anger and emotionally controlling behav. but i have also realised that the root cause of this lies with me. i gave him the right to have this power over me. and now i cant cut it off with one stroke. with time and my reactions he is realising he doesnt have the right to tell me how to lead my life - just because our child lives with me. he is a v. v. dark man and has to live with a truth that pains him v. v. deeply. even now thinking of his pain makes me sit and cry for him, for the extreme sadness he goes thru which he disguises in anger or charming behav. and yet i realised htat has nothing to do with me. it is his problem that he should be able to get a hold on himself. i can empathise with him, but i cannot do anything about it. it is truly his problem and his way out of it is thru him - not thru either me or him. all his dd does is provide joy for him for the time he has her, but only he can set himself free. no one else can.

which is why like the others have so, so rightly pointed out - focus on ur life and ur family. remember - again as cliched as it might sound, yet it is so true - worrying about him is not going to do anything for u in ur life. it truly is a waste of energy and time. change and work on teh things that you can change. that doesnt mean tear him out of your heart and throw him away. it means dont spend too much time on him.

happy flying
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee
also just because you have severed your ties doesnt mean your heart will stop feeling for him. for me my release came when i recognized i dont have to 'give him up'. i dont have to wipe him from my mind. i discovered i will always care for him. if he ever needs me i will always be there for him - whether i get hitched or not. i will never allow him to be homeless in his old age. that doesnt mean i am hoping for him to come back. it means my physical ties with him has ended. but my spiritual ties with havent. how could i ever cut off the deep feelings i have had for him for 9 + 2 years. and it is this acknowlegement that has set me free.
It would be impossible for me to wipe him from my mind...I look at my/our dd and see so much of him in her. I've told him I would always be there as his friend and I meant that yet I also need to be there for dd and I above all.

Quote:
he is a good human being and a good father. his problems are just with me - his anger and emotionally controlling behav. but i have also realised that the root cause of this lies with me. i gave him the right to have this power over me. and now i cant cut it off with one stroke. with time and my reactions he is realising he doesnt have the right to tell me how to lead my life - just because our child lives with me. he is a v. v. dark man and has to live with a truth that pains him v. v. deeply. even now thinking of his pain makes me sit and cry for him, for the extreme sadness he goes thru which he disguises in anger or charming behav. and yet i realised htat has nothing to do with me. it is his problem that he should be able to get a hold on himself. i can empathise with him, but i cannot do anything about it. it is truly his problem and his way out of it is thru him - not thru either me or him. all his dd does is provide joy for him for the time he has her, but only he can set himself free. no one else can.
in his heart, I know the kind of person her father is and I know he is in a lot of pain and I have felt similar pain so I have deep compassion for him...he has always made sure we were taken care of...he loves his daughter very much yet I feel he needs to keep that distance because it is too painful...I understood this so much more after reading this article...http://www.compleatmother.com/articles2/why_men_leave.htm
I also look at dd growing and cant imagine missing out on it and feel sad for him and also blessed that I am able to be her mama in peace.

Quote:
which is why like the others have so, so rightly pointed out - focus on ur life and ur family. remember - again as cliched as it might sound, yet it is so true - worrying about him is not going to do anything for u in ur life. it truly is a waste of energy and time. change and work on teh things that you can change. that doesnt mean tear him out of your heart and throw him away. it means dont spend too much time on him.
thoughts of him seem to sneak into my mind from out of no where...or it isnt counscious thought, it is a feeling because there is an unseen connection that as you pointed out will always be there...I feel that sometimes that I am picking up on his vibes and my care for him kicks in yet so does my protection for dd and I...its not easy but this beautiful life is so worth it..and I too get teary when I think about his pain and all of this.

blessings~~

Quote:
happy flying
~~~~
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by mystic~mama

thoughts of him seem to sneak into my mind from out of no where...or it isnt counscious thought, it is a feeling because there is an unseen connection that as you pointed out will always be there...I feel that sometimes that I am picking up on his vibes and my care for him kicks in yet so does my protection for dd and I...its not easy but this beautiful life is so worth it..and I too get teary when I think about his pain and all of this.
I felt a sisterhood with your OP on this subject. The above
really spoke to me, putting words to something I have been
feeling and couldn't create the words for.

My daughter is a carbon copy of her Dad so I am reminded
of him constantly. His Mother is always giving me updates
on his problems and setbacks...no matter how many times I
ask her not to, or just cut her off when she is talking. Most of
the time when I am reminded of him I think good thoughts,
good memories, which leads me to think of the present. Which
many times leads me to worry about him. Many of my friends
don't get it, so I don't talk about it. They think because of his
behavior (no contact with dd in almost 2 years) that it would
be so easy to just let go or not care.

But as much as I don't understand most of his actions, I
understand how he has come to this place in his life.
Circumstances of his life, how he feels about himself, I
understand how he can be the way he is.

I didn't mean to hijack your thread. But wanted to thank you
for starting it. It's given me a lot to think about.
 
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