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Confused and Scared

621 Views 2 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  Surfacing
I have had issues since I was a child, anxiety, depression, mood swings etc. I grew up in a physically and mentally abusive home. Now that I am an adult and am trying to care for my own family I know I should seek help of some sort, but I am afraid that I could lose everything if I do.

I have a wonderful 2 yr old son who's bio father isn't fully in the picture, my fiancé is bipolar and doing a decent job managing without any outside help, I also baby-sit a 10 month old 45 hours a week and a 1 ½ yr old about 20 hours a week.
I think I made a mistake in my career choice. I thought that I was always great with children; I practically raised my younger siblings when I was in high school. It seems like taking care of children is the only thing I know. Before I became pregnant with DS I worked at the same place for 3 yrs. There where several reasons why I didn't return to that job after I had him. Since then I don't know why, but I just couldn't keep a job, bring myself to work again, it doesn't help that we don't own a car and I can't/won't lean to drive cause off my anxieties.

My first problem is getting the time to get help, if I work 45 hours a week when do I go do whatever it is I need to do? I have so many other appointments that I already have to call off for or take the 10 month old with me. Without a car everywhere I go takes twice as long and is twice as frustrating.
Then what happens when I tell them what my problems are, are they going to call CPS on me like they do with so many other ppl? I could lose my job and possibly my son.
Everywhere I look to find help it says "If you have thoughts of harming yourself or others, dial "911" or go immediately to the nearest hospital Emergency Room for an evaluation", that's just dumb I don't have time for that, I am not going to be admitted to some hospital, that would only stress me out more.
The fact that I can admit to knowing that I have mental problems is a big step above my own mother who would blame everything on her own children. I know better than to take out my anger on any child, when I feel like I am at the end of my rope or having a breakdown around one of the babies I either put my son in his room to play or if there's a problem pertaining to one of the kids I'm sitting I tell myself "Don't stress out, there is a problem just solve it one step at a time." The children I am around are pretty predictable and for the most part none of their crying even bothers me anymore cause I know all the solutions. Most of the time I just separate myself form what is causing me the most stress, or what I think is causing the stress at the time (I've been known to just stop making dinner and tell my fiance to make sandwiches a few times).

I could just go on and on about all the problems we are having from hardly making our rent to I feel like a bad mother cause my son has a 'communication delay' and that if I can't even teach my son to talk then what am I doing trying to care for other ppls babies, and my job is 'easy' cause I just stay at home all day while my fiance works a whopping 3 hours a day 6 days a week. I'm just so confused lately and have no idea what I need to do, how to even get myself to do it, and what not.
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Getting help won't get your son taken away unless you are endangering him.

I would like to encourage you to get some help. When we have anxiety, mood issues on top of general life stress it is very hard to function, and you sound like you're doing a pretty good job all things considered.

Along with your childhood issues, many of which are probably very resolvable with therapy I don't think you have anything to lose.

Being paralyzed and allowing anxiety to run your life will ruin your life, it sounds like you know this and are feeling ready to make some changes? If that's the case there's really only good that can come out of getting help.

I also was terrified of driving, but each time you meet face to face with something that terrifies you, you learn that you can conquer it. Now driving for me is like using the bathroom, it's easy and routine. Not scary at all. Though I still don't drive when conditions are dangerous, but that's caution not anxiety.

Don't be afraid to help yourself. Mental health professionals are trained to help you deal with your issues, not give you more issues.

A healthy sane mother that wants to better herself for the sake of her children doesn't trigger CPS calls.

Go for it!
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Are you feeding your son? Is there food in the fridge? Does he have clean clothes to wear? Does he have a roof over his head? Do you take him to the doctor when he needs it? Does he feel safe and secure? Do you clean your home (once in awhile, it doesn't have to be sparkling)? These are some of the things CPS would look at.
I want to write more but dh is calling.
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