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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK, so I'm spending way too much time here today reading all these lovely posts about consensual living!
I'm trying to get my head around the ideas - I know I'm not a consensual parent but think there's certainly some important things I could learn from it. Anyhow, my dilemma. It's kind of strange to post this on the GD forum, since it isn't about discipline, but here I go!

I want to go out with a friend tonight who I usually only see every few years. For this visit, I have seen her a few times so if I don't see her tonight it's not the end of the world, but it is the last time this visit I could see her. We've spent time together with DS and it was great but we'd like a night out just the two of us (she's not a mum and has done great hanging out with DS but I want some girl time, something I don't get much of!). The plan is for me to leave around 6.30 tonight when ds and dh are having dinner. I don't expect a problem with me leaving (jiinxed that now) - it's bedtime I'm worried about. It used to be dh always put ds to bed and it went perfectly, then about 6 months ago we started having bedtime issues and we've been sharing the 'duties'. The last two nights ds has wanted me and me only - daddy wouldn't do. But before that daddy did bedtime for like a week and it was no prob. I'm worried that when bedtime comes and ds realises I'm not there (along with boobie!) that he'll be very upset. I've talked to ds about me going out tonight and he seems fine with it, but he's 2.5 and can be a bit fickle at times!
So, what would you do? He doesn't usually go to sleep until around 8 and it can take an hour, so waiting until after he is asleep is a bit difficult. We were thinking that if he didn't want to go to bed with dh then dh would give him the option of staying up until I got home, which shouldn't be much later than 9 (or if I know he's waiting for me I can hurry it up). But things normally go badly with ds when he gets overtired, and he had an early nap today, so I'm a bit worried he'd still have a meltdown with that approach. So. My need is to go out tonight. His need MIGHT be for me to put him to bed, or it might not be - just depends on what he decides in the moment. What would you do?

Cheers!
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by beckington
My need is to go out tonight. His need MIGHT be for me to put him to bed, or it might not be - just depends on what he decides in the moment.
OK, just rereading what I wrote - I really really really WANT to go out tonight, but it isn't an actual 'need', I suppose - other than for my sanity?
 

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I cannot put our 13 month old "to bed" without DW. It is largely due to my self confidence and the fact that if he wakes up and there is no milk I have no idea what to do and he crys and crys and we both get sad.

My solution when DW went out (for the first time since his birth really) was to just not put him to bed. (not to say he did not sleep). He slept in my lap while I played on the computer, watched a movie, etc etc.

I ended up staying up "with him" till like 3:00am on a work day. Kind of stupid because he was sleeping most of the time. But it was the choice that worked the best for both of us. He was comfortable enough to sleep and happy enough that he didn't have a melt down and I didn't have to deal with him crying because I am no good at putting him to bed.

The mutual agreement was that we both gave up some stuff... he gave up his normal bedtime stuff and his mama's presence and I gave up a few piddley hours of sleep (they got replaced by mountain dew anyway).

We both gained stuff we liked too. He was comforted that daddy was there and keeping him safe. I was comforted knowing that we could handle ourselves.

Of course this is not workable as an every night thing, so we will have to work it out eventually, but since you mentioned this was a rare event; I thought they were similar.
 

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How about having dad pop in a video and set up some blankets and pillows on the floor or sofa, when he starts getting sleepy? Then he can relax a bit and maybe fall asleep, if he needs to. You might even go get some new videos to have on hand... and chocolate milk can be a nice substitute for nighttime nursing.

If he wasn't going with plan, would it work for you to go home for a half hour or an hour or so to nurse him down, and then go out again with your friend?

dar
 

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I think you should just let him stay up. If it is a rare occasion (sounds like it is and you want to go out, which is valid), I say go out and enjoy yourself --- if you think he will be cool with you leaving, I would just discuss with dh that if he seems sleepy and wants to cuddle and eventually drifts to sleep etc, totally cool, but maybe refrain from doing the "we are going to bed" signals if you think he will become distressed. Maybe your dh can do things with him which are not stimulating but not exactly "cue for bed, but mama's not here" so he will not be all amped up when you get home and may be agreeable to go to sleep when you get home.

Good luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for the replies! Maybe we will just let him stay up and hope it doesn't result in a meltdown. It sounds so simple - I just have a tendency to overanalyse things! He's not likely just to fall asleep watching TV, though I think he might eventually fall asleep in dh's arms/lap while dh plays video games!!
I was trying to think of how to make tonight work in CL terms but I'm not sure if it has anything to do with CL at all.
I'll have to keep reading the other threads!

Thanks again!
 

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I think it is working in CL terms. You said he would be agreeable (most likely) with you leaving. That's cool. You are agreeable with him staying up a bit later, and I assume agreeable with the possible meltdown. Your husband seems agreeable with attending to his needs, and you said if your son was becoming distressed you would make the night a bit shorter and head home.

Sounds like CL to me
 

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My DS definitely is not used to DH putting him to sleep. i am going out sat. night for the first time in..........i really don't know. LOOOOOOOONG time. DH is fine with it, though probably a bit nervous about bedtime. if your DS is like mine, maybe he goes to sleep differently with daddy than mommy. daddy can stroll DS to sleep every time when he's home with him all day. when i'm home with DS on weekends, i cannot stroll him to sleep (if nursing/rocking is not working) - he has a fit. but with DH it's a breeze. my guess (and hope) is your DH will find his own little way to put DS to sleep and maybe they will be able to get back into a routine together!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Well the night was a success! During the day ds and I talked about what stuff he was going to do with dh when I was out and he was excited about it. When I left he pretty much pushed me out the door!
He got quite tired though so dh decided to see if he'd go to sleep instead of letting him stay up and though he did cry for about a minute for me dh was able to comfort and distract him quite easily. They had their special story time, which is what they normally do when dh does bedtime (so yes, he has his own way of doing bedtime - stories never work for me!) and ds asked for stories about me this time. Normally he asks for stories about a little friend of his and frogs. I feel a bit sad that he asked for stories about me but dh said he didn't seem upset about it. Almost made me cry though.
Anyhow I'm off to bed to cuddle my little boy!

Hmmm, agreeable to the meltdown? Not sure really. More like gambling and hoping for the best! Perhaps not the best parenting approach?!
:

Thanks everyone!
 
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