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When I ask my 4 year old not to do something , she has started asking what will happen if I do? Sometimes there are just no "natural" consequences that I can see,and I do not feel it is right to let her just do the thing I have just asked her not to do, and there be no result. My husband does not buy into some of the GD stuff, and although he does not yell or spank, he will show anger and pick her up and put her in her room with the door closed and let her cry. I don't do that, and she cooperates with him MUCH better than me, and still seems just as close to him. It is like she knows that I won't really do anything except talk to her, and she seems to like the talking. She will do something she knows she shouldn't, and then say,"OK, now let's talk about it." I am so confused. I have read a zillion GD books, but it just seems like she is almost looking for more structure from me. Does anyone have the same feeling?
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> can't read and not hug.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Artmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11590171"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">When I ask my 4 year old not to do something , she has started asking what will happen if I do?</div>
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Well, what WILL happen? There must be at least a possibility of some bad result, or you wouldn't ask her not to do it, right? So tell her what could happen that you want to prevent.<br><br>
What will happen if she draws on the wall? You'll be annoyed because you think the wall looks messy that way, and you know most other grownups who might come to your house feel the same way, so to get it looking nice again you'll have to spend time scrubbing, or you might even have to repaint it if the marks don't come off.<br><br>
What will happen if she uses rude language? You'll be angry, and some other grownups may be offended and develop a bad opinion of her.<br><br>
What will happen if she splashes water out of the tub? If she gets enough water on the floor, it may seep into cracks and cause damage. Even a smaller amount of water will have to be wiped up so people don't slip on it or get their feet wet, and you'll be annoyed at having to do that extra work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Daffodil</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11591064"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well, what WILL happen? There must be at least a possibility of some bad result, or you wouldn't ask her not to do it, right? So tell her what could happen that you want to prevent.<br><br>
What will happen if she draws on the wall? You'll be annoyed because you think the wall looks messy that way, and you know most other grownups who might come to your house feel the same way, so to get it looking nice again you'll have to spend time scrubbing, or you might even have to repaint it if the marks don't come off.<br><br>
What will happen if she uses rude language? You'll be angry, and some other grownups may be offended and develop a bad opinion of her.<br><br>
What will happen if she splashes water out of the tub? If she gets enough water on the floor, it may seep into cracks and cause damage. Even a smaller amount of water will have to be wiped up so people don't slip on it or get their feet wet, and you'll be annoyed at having to do that extra work.</div>
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I always tell her the reason why as I am asking her not to do it. To use one of your examples, and this really happened, she was making big splashes in the tub. I explained all the reasons and what could happen, and that if she did it again, she would need to get out of the tub. She continued to do it, so I got her out and explained that she needed to help me clean up the mess. She ignored me and ran off, getting water all over the house. Now, when my husband bathes her, she does not splash water all over the house because he will give her a consequence (going in her room alone with the door closed) that she wants to avoid. Causing damage and annoying me or even having to clean up just isn't real enough or unpleasant enough to give up the fun of splashing water all over the bathroom. I know that my own Mom was gentle and sweet and did not really punish me, although she was firm and fair. I have to say that I learned how to get around her and did whatever I wanted behind her back. If I thought she would have really punished me if I got caught, I wonder if I would have done things differently. I guess I am playing a little bit of Devil's advocate here, but I notice that she just listens to my husband soooo much more than me and I am the one reading all the books and being so mindful to respect her etc!!!
 

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If I'm asking DS not to do something, there's a reason. Otherwise, I wouldn't be telling him 'no.' "I don't want your feet on the couch because they are dirty and I don't want a dirty couch." Then, I ask him to either go and wash his feet or at the very least, grab the throw and cover the couch if he wants to lay on it. Whenever possible, I do try to give him an option for "making it work." If it's a flat 'no,' I'm empathetic/validating to his feelings but make it clear that I can't change reality for him. "You wished I hadn't taken you out the tub, I understand."<br><br>
Because your DD listens better to your DH isn't necessarily a reason to adopt his parenting methods. Indeed, she may mind him more, and be more inclined to push the limits with you, but it helps me to remember that kids push limits for a reason. And within reason, it's not necessarily a bad thing for us to let that happen once and a while. These moments are the roots of their independence coming through--albeit annoying--but serving a purpose beyond us and into the later life of our child. I'm not suggesting you let her walk all over you, because we have limits and they deserve to be respected, but in your situation I can see how natural it would be for you to look to your DH and feel you're doing something wrong. If your DD pushes with you, it's because you make her feel safe enough to do that. OTOH, you have to balance your own needs as well, pick your battles and decide what YOU feel comfortable with in terms of discipline.<br><br>
In the example of the bathtub incident you mentioned, this VERY SAME THING happened to us, verbatim. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes"> Anymore, I've learned to keep things VERY simple. If I remove him from the tub (it's been years since I've had to do this), then that's it. I find that mentioning "help with cleanup" invokes his counterwill and leaves me cleaning up the mess, resentful and feeling disrespected. I know what's going to happen if I tack on the clean up thing and frankly, I deal with this by simply not inviting it in the first place. (In general, I don't push cleaning at all and yet, DS tends to be upbeat and helpful in this area, most recently VERY helpful).<br><br>
As to your DD, she cooperates better for your DH perhaps because she knows the consequences of not cooperating result in a situation that is uncomfortable and likely, scary. Parental/love withdrawal via isolation (as I remember it) was about the worst way to feel as a kid. And I don't remember sitting in my room feeling remorseful for what I'd done so much as simply feeling really bad, and sorry for myself, alone and... unlovable. I would emerge from my isolation with all sorts of mixed feelings, needing to talk but my actions were that of simply wanting desperately to reconnect with my Mom and so I basically kissed her butt so that she would want to be with me again. I still felt mad and sad and that I'd been treated unjustly, but I hadn't the power to express this for fear of being punished again. And worse than not having my say was to be further disonnected from the parent I needed. I chose the quick road to re-attachment, but it left scars in the long run...<br><br>
IMO, this type of punishment serves to scare a child into behaving to a parent's standard. The child is learning to behave NOT by internalizing the values of her parent, but because of what may happen to her if she doesn't do what is expected. It's not about teaching or guiding but about controlling. And if controlling behavior is the chief goal, this can be a very effective method. I find that when I focus too much on "behavior" I lose sight of DS, the whole person. It becomes more important to stamp out behavior and less important to try and understand it, the feeling behind it and what we could do together to actually treat the underlying issue, the process by which, gives DS (and me!) future tools for coping.<br><br>
Foremost, it's about the relationship I want to have with my child. It's about nurturing our attachment in a meaningful way so that the natural process of maturation can take place (Hold On To Your Kids, Neufeld). Most of the annoying behaviors we deal with are temporary, kid stuff, learning. Things he'll outgrow and that we'll laugh about when he's raising his own family. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I'm going to be in a relationship with my child my whole life and for that, it's important for me to honor that relationship in a way that does not disrespect the often times difficult process of growing up. Training via fear is not an element I feel comfortable with in raising my DS. It erodes our attachment and while in the short run might control annoying behavior, in the long run, it serves to divide us and keeps him from wanting to be guided by me.<br><br>
It helps me to not think of discipline or consequences in terms of "what will happen to you" if you don't do what is asked/do something you're not supposed to, etc. I really try to make it as non-personal as possible. It's a question for me really, what do I want to accomplish via discipline? Do I want to make my child feel bad so that he'll be good? Or do I want to guide him in the ways of our home, our community, the world at large as best I can, and then give him room to make mistakes, be his own person and draw his own limits, standards, etc?<br><br>
It seems to me that punishment can reinforce to a child, a feeling of "self-centeredness." I believe Alfie Kohn touches on this in his book (Unconditional Parenting). The idea that a child living with punishment learns to do and not do things by gaging what will happens to HIM. It becomes not about how my actions affect others, but about what will happen to me if I don't do as asked, or do what I'm told not to do.<br><br>
At any rate, this sounds like a tough situation. It is NOT a good feeling when our connection with our child is not working for us... not be listened to is really hard to experience and when you're looking at your DH and how he IS being listened to I can only imagine that that makes it more frustrating. He has a particular relationship with your DD and from your post, I sense, is at peace with his methods. At the end of the day though, you have to decide for yourself what feels right for <i>your</i> relationship with your DD. My DH and I are very close in overall parenting philosophy but we're not in lock step. And then, each of us has our own relationship with DS and I do find that it tends to cycle where sometimes *I'm* the parent in the easy chair and sometimes DH is. I do find it hard in the latter situation to keep things in perspective. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
This has gotten rambly... sorry. (And I thought by editing my post, I could condense.) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"> The best to you and I hope your find some solutions. It's sounds like a hard situation, mama. Lots of support to you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Em
 

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I also go the "I'll be irritated" route when my kids want to do something I don't want them to do. And they know well enough now that when I get irritated then I'm not in the mood to drive them to the park or move the car out of the garage so they can ride bikes in there. My DD, who is almost four, is beginning to connect my mood with the amount of fun I am willing to provide over the course of a day, and doing something she knows will irritate me is becoming less and less appealing to her.
 

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Have you read Secret of Parenting? If not, I recommend it. I think there are better ways to get your kids to listen to you (general you) than by punishing them (putting them in time out). Her listening to you dh better doesn't mean that his discipline is the "right" way.<br>
It sounds like a tough situation. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Oh, and if my ds asked ME what would happen if he did something I'd asked him not to do, he would get "the look." You know, the one that says "try me."<br>
If it were something that I knew he knew why, I wouldn't bother explaining again. I would just say "Don't" (in an "i mean it" voice).
 

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I don't get the "irritated" or "annoyed" or "angry" mommy consequence. I don't think that's a fair response to a child at all. And I don't want to offend, but it sounds kind of manipulative.<br><br>
How about putting kids in charge of their own behavior? They get it. Really. My 2yo was throwing a tantrum the other day and I finally calmly told her to do it in the other room because my ears were hurting. I told her to come back when she was happy. You know what? She stopped immediately and said she was happy. She'd been faking it, trying to see if she yelled loud and long enough, I'd give her cookies for breakfast. I honestly didn't realize she was faking until she stopped.<br><br>
OP will find out her dd will listen, too, as soon as she gets an immediate consequence. That's why OP's dd cooperates for her father, not because she's afraid of her father (IMHO.) Here's what the mom should do. She splashes after you've asked her not to? Out of the tub immediately. And no discussion about it. She does it the next day after you've reminder her before getting in? Showers for a while. She writes on the walls? No crayons or markers unsupervised. She won't help cleanup? She loses those toys for a while. I would pick my battles (for instance, wouldn't have her clean up the water), but I would definitely expect her to listen.<br><br>
I also wouldn't do so much explaining. I know my kids can hear. They heard it the first time. Discussion about "rules" is just too many words sometimes. If she asks in advance, how about using that as an opportunity to discuss house rules. "What do you think should happen as a consequence? Nothing? How do you think it would look to have the walls all marked up? I think it would look bad, too--that's why I've asked you not to draw on them. "<br><br>
But I do have empathy for them when they're unhappy with their choices and consequence. "Oh, I know, what a bummer. You wanted to stay in the tub. But I'll bet tomorrow you do a better job of listening to mommy and not getting the floor so wet."<br><br>
I'm new to GD. I've never spanked and --honestly--I don't yell. (Does that automatically make me GD?) But my kids do have time outs, they have gone to their rooms to decompress, and they do apologize when they've done something wrong. Does that automatically disqualify me from being a GD parent? We're not perfect, not by a long shot, but I think I've got pretty awesome, fun kids.<br><br>
Anyway, to the OP, sounds like you've got a delightful child who's asking you to help her make the "right" choices. You've just got to decide how you're going to help her get there.<br><br>
Chaimom<br>
twin boys- 6<br>
dd 2
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>chaimom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11596559"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't get the "irritated" or "annoyed" or "angry" mommy consequence. I don't think that's a fair response to a child at all. And I don't want to offend, but it sounds kind of manipulative.</div>
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Respectfully, I don't get this aspect of GD. I know this idea is discussed a lot on this board. I just seriously don't *get* it. There are things that I do for my DH and DDs because not doing it would annoy, anger, or irritate them. Because I love them. Like, DH gets super irritated when the bath toys are still in the tub when it's time for him to shower. No biggie. I try to remember to pick them out. At them same time, I don't understand why practicing gentle discipline means that I can't be human and have human emotions, such as anger, irritation, and annoyance. My children sometimes anger me, annoy me, hurt my feelings deeply, and I don't understand what service I am doing to them by masking these emotions. (within reason. Sometimes my children make me want to run away from home, but I would never tell them that! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">)<br><br>
Sometimes other's emotions are the only natural consequences. Even for grown ups. Say I'm in Starbucks and find that there are 5 people in line ahead of me. I *could* just cut in front of them all. There's no law against it. But I don't. The other customers would be mad and offended. The store employees would think poorly of me. I think that impacting other's feelings and emotions is a valid natural consequence.<br><br>
As an example, DD1 likes to play with the numerous quilts that we have folded in our living room. I'll fold them back up and they'll be back out in a matter of minutes. Plain and simple, it irritates me. Will leaving them out break them or ruin them? Will anything terrible happen if I have to fold them 12 times a day? No, if refolding them doesn't irritate/anger/annoy mom, then why care if she has to refold them all the time? But it *does* irritate me, and for that reason I ask her to play with only a certain number of them at a time rather than the whole lot of them, to avoid Mommy becoming irritated. I think that considering someone's feelings when we all live together as a family is an important part of being a family.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>chaimom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11596559"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't get the "irritated" or "annoyed" or "angry" mommy consequence. I don't think that's a fair response to a child at all. And I don't want to offend, but it sounds kind of manipulative.</div>
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I see what you mean, and I think sometimes it <i>is</i> inappropriate to tell a kid that you're going to get annoyed if they do something. If I were talking about sharing, for instance, I wouldn't say, "And if you don't share with the other kids, I'll be annoyed," because that just keeps the kid from focusing on the real reason to share, which has nothing to do with me.<br><br>
But sometimes the main reason not to do something is simply to show consideration for me. That's really the <i>only</i> reason not to write on the walls, for instance. If everyone in the family liked the way the walls looked with scribbles all over them, the kids could scribble to their heart's content. They need to know that I <i>don't</i> like the way that looks.<br><br>
If people are going to live together, each person needs information about how their behavior affects the others. If something I do really annoys my DP, I want to know that, and I think my kids also need to know that certain things they do may annoy me.
 

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Interesting points, ramama and dafodil, regarding feelings. Thanks for your thoughtful replies. I don't want to hijack this thread, so I'll keep it brief. We talk a lot about feelings in our family, but don't really directly say "it annoys me when you do that." I've mentioned being angry to my children, but generally not as a way to prevent behavior, just as an expression of my feelings at a particular time. It's interesting how everyone interprets these things differently.<br><br>
I grew up with a mom who was often angry. It wasn't fun. She wouldn't necessarily give us warnings about changing behavior, she'd just get mad. And I am making sure I'm not the angry or annoyed mom for my children.
 

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Interesting, the idea that telling kids you are going to be irritated (which I do) is manipulative. Aren't there times that you really ARE irritated, though? Aside from just not getting mad (which is sometimes impossible to prevent), how would you go about explaining to your kids what is happening and what their role in it is?<br><br>
I feel that giving my kids a warning that I am starting to get irritated and giving them an opportunity to change their behavior (or not) accordingly is a more fair approach than being silent about their behavior, or explaining in circles while they continue to ignore me, and then eventually completely exploding. I'd imagine surprise anger would be more damaging than warned anger, especially if kids know they have the power to stop the anger from developing at all.<br><br>
An example from my life: my kids like to take the pillows and cushions off of the couch. It might not be reasonable, but this drives me absolutely CRAZY. When they take the cushions off, the slipcover gets all messed up, sand that has gathered under the cushions (where is it not a priority to vacuum) gets spread across the rug (where I do vacuum). They like to hide things behind the cushions which I then can't find, or I sit on when I'm trying to relax. They drop things between the couch and the wall, which then take some effort to retrieve. They don't put the cushions back when they are done playing, and in the midst of my exhaustion I have nowhere to sit. In short, I hate it when they take the cushions off of the couch. I've talked circles around this issue, explained all of the things that I've just stated here, and told them why it's not kind for them to take the cushions off of the couch. They still did it, because these reasons don't really matter to them.<br><br>
My kids don't care if the slipcover is askew. They don't care if the sand is transferred, or if important things are missing behind the couch. Knowing the things that happen when they engage in this activity is not a deterrent to them. It IS a deterrent when I tell them that their taking the cushions off of the couch irritates me. They understand how my mood affects our daily schedule and they are more willing to work around my particular quirks on this issue.<br><br>
I know my kids' triggers for irritation and the way that their tempers can derail our fun days. I try not to specifically do things that will make them angry. I don't give them the wrong cups. I don't mess up their hair or make them wear sandals without socks or put away toys they are still playing with.<br><br>
I don't think it's manipulative to expect that they will become aware of the specific things that are MY triggers for bad temper, and show the same respect for these things that I show for their triggers. Isn't that the basic goal of a harmonious family? That nobody is left simmering in rage over the easily changeable behaviors of another? Maybe I'm just doing it wrong or need to chill out about the stupid couch, but my personality is what it is and I think it's important for my kids to know that.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Artmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11592522"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I always tell her the reason why as I am asking her not to do it. To use one of your examples, and this really happened, she was making big splashes in the tub. I explained all the reasons and what could happen, and that if she did it again, she would need to get out of the tub. She continued to do it, so I got her out and explained that she needed to help me clean up the mess. She ignored me and ran off, getting water all over the house. Now, when my husband bathes her, she does not splash water all over the house because he will give her a consequence (going in her room alone with the door closed) that she wants to avoid. Causing damage and annoying me or even having to clean up just isn't real enough or unpleasant enough to give up the fun of splashing water all over the bathroom. I know that my own Mom was gentle and sweet and did not really punish me, although she was firm and fair. I have to say that I learned how to get around her and did whatever I wanted behind her back. If I thought she would have really punished me if I got caught, I wonder if I would have done things differently. I guess I am playing a little bit of Devil's advocate here, but I notice that she just listens to my husband soooo much more than me and I am the one reading all the books and being so mindful to respect her etc!!!</div>
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In that situation I would tell her before she got in the tub that she could only have a bath if she didn't splash any water out. Then the minute she did bathtime would be over. (If she won't get out of the tub just pull the plug and let her sit there until she's cold).
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>chaimom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11596559"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't get the "irritated" or "annoyed" or "angry" mommy consequence. I don't think that's a fair response to a child at all. And I don't want to offend, but it sounds kind of manipulative.<br><br>
How about putting kids in charge of their own behavior? They get it. Really. My 2yo was throwing a tantrum the other day and I finally calmly told her to do it in the other room because my ears were hurting. I told her to come back when she was happy. You know what? She stopped immediately and said she was happy. She'd been faking it, trying to see if she yelled loud and long enough, I'd give her cookies for breakfast. I honestly didn't realize she was faking until she stopped.<br><br><br>
Chaimom<br>
twin boys- 6<br>
dd 2</div>
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See, your 2yo is not her 4yo. Kids respond (as an experienced mom, I am sure you know this) per their individual temperaments. What if the child had refused to go into the other room to carry on with the tantrum and instead, continued yelling?<br><br>
I like matter-of-factness myself as compared to protracted explanations about everything, but, sometimes, you are just human y'know. I agree with the other posters about letting kids understand that, sometimes, mommy's feelings need to considered, too.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>chaimom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11596559"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't get the "irritated" or "annoyed" or "angry" mommy consequence. I don't think that's a fair response to a child at all. And I don't want to offend, but it sounds kind of manipulative.<br></div>
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I don't know if manipulative is the word that you're looking for here. The fact is that when this gorgeous kid decided to ignore the natural consequence of splashing in the bath, which is making a mess that needed cleaning up, and went trip-tropping onto the next thing, then she left mummy clearing up her mess. Now because mummies are just ordinary human beings who don't wear their placentas as haloes, mummy could be irritated, or annoyed, and any one of these emotions is genuine and valid. In our house, the loss of goodwill is given as a natural consequence for the children old enough to understand the concept.<br>
My 9yo gets my values pretty accurately. My 7yo gets that some things upset and annoy me, but will often get it wrong; he'll come out of school telling me that I'm going to be "really really angry" because another kid gave Smarties out for their birthday, and will then do something that I've asked him not to do many times, like climbing on the postbox, utterly oblivious to the memory. Drives me nuts <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> We haven't even started this with DD yet.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>flapjack</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11623221"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't know if manipulative is the word that you're looking for here. The fact is that when this gorgeous kid decided to ignore the natural consequence of splashing in the bath, which is making a mess that needed cleaning up, and went trip-tropping onto the next thing, then she left mummy clearing up her mess. Now because mummies are just ordinary human beings who don't wear their placentas as haloes, mummy could be irritated, or annoyed, and any one of these emotions is genuine and valid. In our house, the loss of goodwill is given as a natural consequence for the children old enough to understand the concept.</div>
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Exactly.<br><br>
"I don't get the "irritated" or "annoyed" or "angry" mommy consequence."<br><br>
What's not to get? The natural consequence of doing something irritating or annoying is that people are going to be irritated and annoyed with you. What kind of preparation for real life is it if the first time they encounter an irritated person is out in the big bad world? I must be missing something.
 

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This is a really interesting thread! I wanted to add to the discussion re: expressing feelings--I think that it's important that our children hear us saying what our feeling are...not in a threatening (if you do that, then Mama will get mad!) or manipulative way, but in a direct and honest way. "I'm really frustrated right now!" My DS is deeply tuned into me, he knows when I'm angry or upset. When I verbalize the way feel, I'm teaching him how to verbalize his own feelings.<br><br>
I also find the back & forth re: explainations & discussion valuable. I do tend to give short explanations for why I'm saying no or asking him to do things, but there are days when I just can't 'discuss' things anymore! I just want him to pick up the blocks, put on his shoes, etc. As my pregnancy progresses (7months right now), I find myself losing patience more & more often. yuck. I try to take a breath & remember why we do want him to question things, think for himself, talk it over. But it's hard sometimes!<br><br>
One more thing to add--I don't explain everything all the time. I do, for certain things, just state the rule--a rule that exists for everyone, not just him. For example: "We draw on paper, not on walls", "we don't hurt each other", "we always brush our teeth at night", The 'we' meaning our whole family. There's no consequences, overt or implied, for not following the rule, just the expectation that this is what we do. Mostly, this works really well. When DS asks why, then I offer more explanation...I think that, by generally not having a consequence/punishment system, makes it easier to guide by expectation & explaination.<br><br>
So not really any advice, just adding my 2 cents. I think having 2 different disciplines styles is tough, but I really liked what one of your first respondants said re: "WHat will happen?" Good luck with everything.
 

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I don't see stating a negative emotion as a consequence as manipulative so long as the emotion is genuine. I wouldn't tell my child that I'd be irritated or upset if it wasn't true.<br><br>
I'm struggling with many of the same issues as the OP. My oldest child is 3. If I asked her how she thought the walls would look with scribbles, she'd tell me "Pretty!" Because they are pretty to her. She also will not leave the room when she's screaming - if she's that upset, she's staying to make sure I know it!<br><br>
I'm watching this thread for other ideas, but <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to the OP - I know it's hard.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Artmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11590171"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">When I ask my 4 year old not to do something , she has started asking what will happen if I do? Sometimes there are just no "natural" consequences that I can see,and I do not feel it is right to let her just do the thing I have just asked her not to do, and there be no result. My husband does not buy into some of the GD stuff, and although he does not yell or spank, he will show anger and pick her up and put her in her room with the door closed and let her cry. I don't do that, and she cooperates with him MUCH better than me, and still seems just as close to him. It is like she knows that I won't really do anything except talk to her, and she seems to like the talking. She will do something she knows she shouldn't, and then say,"OK, now let's talk about it." I am so confused. I have read a zillion GD books, but it just seems like she is almost looking for more structure from me. Does anyone have the same feeling?</div>
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I've never really heard an example of misbehavior where there wasn't a natural consequence. If she does something with her toys she shouldn't be doing, take the toy away; if she hits someone, that person won't want to play with her; if she misbehaves in a situation or place she wants to be in, take her out of that place. Obviously it's not always that easy, but I really think all behaviors have a natural consequence. And I agree with a PP that while DH's method may "work," it isn't necessarily the best thing for your child.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>chaimom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11596559"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't get the "irritated" or "annoyed" or "angry" mommy consequence. I don't think that's a fair response to a child at all. And I don't want to offend, but it sounds kind of manipulative.</div>
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I am a real, human person, and it's important to me to be real and authentic in my dealings with my daughter. I get angry sometimes, and sometimes it's because of something she's done. She gets angry too, and seeing me deal with my anger in a responsible way is good for her as she learns to deal with her anger. Every emotion is important and has a purpose IMO. There's nothing wrong with anger, just with how some people behave when they're angry.
 
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