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Does anyone else have the fear that practising GD will undercut your ability to retain any control or power over your life? I know many will say that is the point <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> but coming from a traditional background in terms of discipline I find it hard to visualise how to manage my ds (who is prone to some serious screaming right now!) without losing my cool at some point. Maybe I am just tired and can't contemplate the energy. Maybe I am thinking of adding another child to our family and can't imagine managing two. Maybe!<br><br>
Anyway I just wondered if anyone else struggles with this. I see so many strategies that work well when people don't just respond with 'no' to every question and who's mission in life seems to be to share phlegm and keep me awake at night...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
Sorry if this makes no sense. See above paragraph for an explanation! Just wondering if anyone else struggles with letting go of 'power' and the desire to discipline in a shouty spanky way.<br><br>
ta x
 

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I have definitely struggled with letting go of control and I still do. I still find it hard not to want to "make them listen" because "I'm the mom and you're not". This is how I was raised.<br><br>
We all lose our cool at some point, even those who practice GD. I know I do. I'm not perfect and I have days where I just can't take it anymore. The difference for me now that I've learned to practice GD is that I have other tools to use to deal with my kids instead of just spanking them which I would've done in the past, yelling, or giving them a time out. It's actually very reassuring knowing I have other options.
 

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I see your point totally, Emmalina. I struggle with that a lot. Especially, for example, in the area of sleep, my dds are not the kind that will drop asleep on the couch when tired. I also think they need their hours of sleep, and they need a regular rythm, else they're very cranky. So, although I do not like it I need to retain control over their sleep. On most nights, it is fine, we have our routine and they like it but there is the occasional night in which they fight, and say no "we're not tired", and run away and I find my patience runs very thin, I am also hopelessly tired ... At those times, I question whether the whole paradigm is wrong, I feel I am not able to control their behaviour... but then I understand, I try not to take this as defiance and lack of respect (like my parents would have seen it) try to look at the underlying need, and often it is that they see so little of their mommy they're just not ready to part from me again, to sleep the whole night (although we more often than not cosleep) and then I take the time to reconnect, deeply let go of my fears and trust my love.
 

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Actually, I find the opposite. First, let me confess that I do lose control of myself and yell. I'm working on it, but I'm by no means perfect. I'm down to about 2-3 times a week!<br><br>
But the real 'eye opener' for me is that I can't really control my kids, but I can control what I do. How does that give me more control? It means I don't spend a lot of time (most days) fretting about things that really aren't worth controlling.<br><br>
So, dd decides she doesn't want to wear a coat? Well, I can control her and force her into it, or I can control myself and bring it with, in case she wants to wear it if she gets cold.<br><br>
Dd doesn't want to eat dinner? Well, I can't force her to eat, but I can ask her to sit at the table with us and keep us company while we eat (as we did last night). She ate 3 bites. She wasn't hungry. Who am I to control how much she eats?<br><br>
Is my ds yelling at me (gee, I wonder where he got that? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> or is speaking to me disrespectfully? Well, I haven't figured out a way to control how he's speaking, but I can say: "I don't like it when you talk to me that way. I'll be glad to help you when you can be more polite." Some days I just say "that was very rude" or "excuse me?" And when ds yells back to me "DON'T YELL AT ME!" I acknowledge that he's right, I shouldn't do that.<br><br>
I also find that while my kids don't obey my every command, they do listen very well. Sometimes their listening involves quite a bit of questioning WHY they need to do something, but if there's a good reason, or at least an honest "I have absolutely no energy right now", they're pretty good at following through. Better than most of the neighbor kids.<br><br>
Now, I'm on the end of the GD spectrum that doesn't mind 'helping' my kids do things if I need to when they are little (I have carried dd upstairs to be changed - she got terrible rashes and so it was a non-negotiable in my book; I will put toys in her hand to be put away), but I find that if I look at the reasons for the behavior, I can usually find an explanation. The times I can't, I chalk up to random child weirdness!<br><br>
My kids aren't out of control too often - and when they are, 99% of the time it's under the same conditions where I'm out of control: they're too tired, they're too hungry, they're overloaded or they're getting sick. It's a much more comfortable paradigm to be viewing everyone's behavior as potentially cooperative rather than potentially defiant.
 

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I'm really new to this, but the rewards are so great I know I have to continue. I am a yeller, and for the past week I've been remembering to speak to my kids with the same respect I would show an adult. It's not easy for me, but I can see the difference and it makes it worthwhile.
 

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Lynn made a very good point. I found the whole issue I had over control sort of vanished when I accepted that the only person I can ever have control over is me. It helped me let go of expectations and be more accepting of the innate chaos that is life and relationships.<br><br>
That said, sometimes I do find myself getting frustrated with my DH or DD when they're not "cooperating" with my goals for the moment. Usually it's because I'm feeling tired or overwhelmed. Before reacting, I have been training myself to mentally count to ten. It helps me refocus my energy away from reacting and more towards examining WHY I'm feeling annoyed or frustrated. Usually it's because I'm having some expectation that really isn't well placed.
 
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