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WOW, I couldnt imagine doing it. I think when you choose to separate, 9 times out of 10 they seem to divorce. I tried both ways in my marriage and neither worked. So.....We divorced.
 

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I haven't read that book, but dh and I did a type of controlled separation. Our situation might have been a little different, as we did an 'in house separation.' We each slept in separate bedrooms and basically did our own thing, except for family meals and family time w/ ds. We started this right around the same time we started seeing a counselor. We laid out all the ground rules ahead of time regarding what was acceptable and fair to expect. It lasted about two months and allowed each of us the time and space we needed to reflect on what was happening with us and what we wanted to do. It worked very well for us and saw us through a really difficult time in our relationship. I think we wouldn't be together now if we hadn't done it. In talking w/ dh about it right now he says, 'I think it was pivotal.'
 

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Dh and I were seperated for about a year.<br><br>
We decided NOT to divorce, I moved back in with him and we are now happy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
However, in all honestly dh and I do mesh well. I have an illness we were not aware of at the time and I was very depressed and getting a little out of control in being depressed, resentful and angry.<br><br>
I was diagnosed WHILE we were seperated and started treatement and counseling while dh beat himself up about not getting me to a Dr sooner.<br><br>
That was a few years ago, I am doing so much better now than I was then...and dh is so much more understanding and aware.<br><br>
He really is a wonderful man, things just got bad.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Nimbus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7989644"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We laid out all the ground rules ahead of time regarding what was acceptable and fair to expect. It lasted about two months and allowed each of us the time and space we needed to reflect on what was happening with us and what we wanted to do.</div>
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That's the basis of the Controlled Separation. It makes you talk about - and agree on - things like whether or not you can date, what happens with the finances, visitation for kids, counseling, etc that most people who separate just try to deal with on the fly. It also sets a time limit on the separation, so that you agree to either renegotiate after X number of months, or that you'll either divorce or get back together. There's no letting it drag on indefinitely. To me, the deadline helped alleviate a lot of worry.
 

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Well the first time DH and I separated we had filed for a divorce but didn't get it because we didn't take the required parenting classes and decided to get back together. A year later we separated again for over a year. We did not file because we never knew if we would get back together, during that time he had a live in GF and I dated a lot of people.<br><br>
It's been 4 years since we have been back together and we are doing great.
 

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We also found the time limit helpful. Our original plan was to reassess after a month. We did and decided to try another month and that was all we needed. If you can tolerate being around one another w/out creating havoc, I'd recommend an in-house separation before trying living apart.
 

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Yes, my DH and I split up for 6 months, him living in MI, me in CA. At that point it was either that or head straight for a divorce, and neither of us really wanted that. We used that time to start sorting our the root problems that manifested as distancing and emotionally abusive behavior. It's a long trek, and we're still working, but once we got back together, it was like a brand new relationship. We both really just needed time to heal ourselves from each other before working on ourselves as a couple.
 

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We are doin an in-house separation much as Nimbus did. It was great to read about your experience Nimbus!!!<br><br>
It is such a breath of relief right now to be able to focus on my own needs, keep my girls needs as a great priority, without all the junk with dh! Dh is here and we are focused on our girls. I still get to be a SAHM.<br><br>
We have separate bedrooms. We have divided the chores. We have divided childcare up a bit -- I now get MUCH more help on the weekend. Also, dp and I now get a long quite well - even joking, etc. I no longer hold him resposible for caring about my needs and am able to see him for the good father he is. We'll see what happens, I would love to get in touch with more mama's how have/are doing this.<br><br>
Our main issue is that he still wants to hug and kiss me, or come cuddle with me in the mornings. I either ignore it or I get annoyed. When I get annoyed it distracts me from the important self-discovery and self-esteem work I'm doing right now. When I ignore it he keeps doing it until I get annoyed. When I ask him to stop I struggle with speaking directly to him and it often takes many minutes of discomfort on my part to finally get it through to him that I want to be left alone -- still working on finding my voice here.<br><br>
Whatever happens I know what we're doing right now is what's best. It's amazing how the nasty fighting and screaming has stopped and how good that is for the girls.
 

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thanks for this recommendation. i just snagged it for 8 bucks on motherlovin' amazon. i really love the title, too. that clash quote was my sig quote for a while... for this very reason.<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Sharlla</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7991024"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well the first time DH and I separated we had filed for a divorce but didn't get it because we didn't take the required parenting classes and decided to get back together. A year later we separated again for over a year. ...during that time he had a live in GF and I dated a lot of people.</div>
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if you don't mind sharing, i would <i>really</i> appreciate hearing more about how you guys handled this at the time, as well as how it emotionally factors back into the present relationship.<br><br>
at the very least, it's comforting knowing that you were able to make it work. i'm pretty confident that i could cope, but i'm afraid that dh won't be able to, so i hesitate bringing it up. his self esteem seems precarious lately already and i think this might hurt him too much.<br><br>
on the other hand, i feel pretty strongly about it being included in the terms of separation (if we do go that route) and i feel like i if compromise that i'll only feel more resentment. besides, he's a cute, sweet, smart guy. if he actually puts some effort into making friends, it could definitely turn into more than that for him.<br><br>
sorry, this got a little ot. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 
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