convincing the partner
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Yep, my DH was set against it. After many discussions without him coming around I pretty much told him "no vagina, no vote." I gave him all the info about how safe it was and how it was better for me and baby, and then let him know how important it was to me. I made it clear that I was not compromising. I told him if he felt better in a hospital then he could go sit in the waiting room there while I gave birth at home.
I think one part of it is when I told him *I* was taking responsiblity for the birth and baby. Sometimes our DP feels responsible and it seems too scary or overwhelming. Let your DP know that your choices and judgement can be trusted and that you are taking the responsiblity.
You are the one giving birth and ultimately you must feel safe in order to let your body work. If your DP trusts you enough to have a baby with you then he should trust you enough to birth how you feel is safest.
I think one part of it is when I told him *I* was taking responsiblity for the birth and baby. Sometimes our DP feels responsible and it seems too scary or overwhelming. Let your DP know that your choices and judgement can be trusted and that you are taking the responsiblity.
You are the one giving birth and ultimately you must feel safe in order to let your body work. If your DP trusts you enough to have a baby with you then he should trust you enough to birth how you feel is safest.
I printed out a bunch of stuff from http://www.gentlebirth.org/ronnie/homesafe.html for him to read. That, combined with him talking to my midwives and asking them all his questions, convinced him of the safety. While I don't think he was ever 100% behind my choice to not vbac in the hospital, he was convinced of the safety of it and *was* 100% supportive of me making the best choice for myself.
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For clients, I usually recommend the book "Silent Knife".
There are lots of personal stories, and from dads also, in regard to VBACs in general.
There are lots of personal stories, and from dads also, in regard to VBACs in general.
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You've gotten great advice!
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I took the no pressure approach. I just said we were going to visit with a midwife to see how "we" liked her. Before I went, I asked the midwife how she dealt with reluctant, scared dads. She said it was old hat. When we got there, she had a huge stack of handouts and she talked a mile a minute about statistics and safety and blah blah. A couple weeks later, we were at the Texas State Fair and he was telling his friends about how great homebirth is and having them thinking they might want one. :LOL I guess you had to be there with the cowboy hat and boot wearing crowd. hehe
I took the no pressure approach. I just said we were going to visit with a midwife to see how "we" liked her. Before I went, I asked the midwife how she dealt with reluctant, scared dads. She said it was old hat. When we got there, she had a huge stack of handouts and she talked a mile a minute about statistics and safety and blah blah. A couple weeks later, we were at the Texas State Fair and he was telling his friends about how great homebirth is and having them thinking they might want one. :LOL I guess you had to be there with the cowboy hat and boot wearing crowd. hehe
Well I haven't hbac'd, but I just vbac'd. HBAC is very limited in my area since it's an illegal state for mw
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: We discussed hbac for next time, but dh is a little tentative since we live 30 mins from a hospital. I'll have him read lots of literature and stay on the ICAN list. I'm a statistics type person and he is too. If the hospitals around here starting banning vbac, I know he'd totally support hbac, since it's safer than a ercs.
"no vagina, no vote" doesn't work for me, since I see our babies as half his and furthermore, I expect him to be involved in all the decisions of raising them, so I also value his opinion on birthing them. He's also the type that won't let the nurses or doctor do anything to me in the hospital, so I'm not worried about that. He's fully versed in, "We do not consent to _______"
"no vagina, no vote" doesn't work for me, since I see our babies as half his and furthermore, I expect him to be involved in all the decisions of raising them, so I also value his opinion on birthing them. He's also the type that won't let the nurses or doctor do anything to me in the hospital, so I'm not worried about that. He's fully versed in, "We do not consent to _______"
I felt very strongly that this was not his decision. With my first birth, he wasn't comfortable with a HB, so we went to the birthing center . . . where I could never visualize giving birth but he liked a lot. Last time, *I* was the one who went through 24 hours of labor. *I* was the one who got cut open. *I* was the one who went through recovery and still carry the scars.
So this time, I didn't even ask him. I told him. I'm giving birth at a birth center (different one than the first time). And when we were talking about it with a friend (who's friend is about to have a cesarean but doesn't know it yet and her Dh loves her doc but she really doesn't.), I told my friend straight out - "It's my decision. Not my DH's." Later we talked about it and DH said he knew that. And was o.k. with it.
He doesn't go through birth. I do. That's really just how I feel about it.
So this time, I didn't even ask him. I told him. I'm giving birth at a birth center (different one than the first time). And when we were talking about it with a friend (who's friend is about to have a cesarean but doesn't know it yet and her Dh loves her doc but she really doesn't.), I told my friend straight out - "It's my decision. Not my DH's." Later we talked about it and DH said he knew that. And was o.k. with it.
He doesn't go through birth. I do. That's really just how I feel about it.
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If you talk to him about how much more likely induction/augmentation drugs are in hospital, and how linked to rupture those interventions at all, that could probably help. Along with how hard it is to actually accomplish a vbac at ALL, in hospital, and how much easier it will be to manage pain drug free NOT strapped down on a table and hooked up to a bunch of things...
Perhaps a birth center would be a good compromise? Either way, this is a great hba3c story - http://pregnancyandbaby.com/read/articles/737.htm
Tina
Perhaps a birth center would be a good compromise? Either way, this is a great hba3c story - http://pregnancyandbaby.com/read/articles/737.htm
Tina
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Quote:
Exactly how I feel as well.
With my first pg I wanted a midwife and birth center but DH didn't. Since I wanted DH to be comfortable too I gave in to an OB and hospital. While my DH was there and saw all the stuff happening to me, HE was not the one to have it *personally* done to him. While he thought it sucked that I had a c-section for him it wasn't so bad. He was just the observer. I was not willing to try to compromise the second time just so DH was comfortable. *I* needed to be comfortable and feel safe. A woman should birth where she feels safe....not where everyone else feels safe. Birth is womens work. Now saying that, my DH was wonderful during my HBAC. He was a great support in the form of being physically strong enough to handle me hanging from him and squeezing the heck out of his hands.
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DH realized that I was not going to compromise and if he wanted to be part of the birth then he was going to have to support me fully and trust my judgement 100%.
Originally Posted by girrllie I felt very strongly that this was not his decision. With my first birth, he wasn't comfortable with a HB, so we went to the birthing center . . . where I could never visualize giving birth but he liked a lot. Last time, *I* was the one who went through 24 hours of labor. *I* was the one who got cut open. *I* was the one who went through recovery and still carry the scars. So this time, I didn't even ask him. I told him. I'm giving birth at a birth center (different one than the first time). And when we were talking about it with a friend (who's friend is about to have a cesarean but doesn't know it yet and her Dh loves her doc but she really doesn't.), I told my friend straight out - "It's my decision. Not my DH's." Later we talked about it and DH said he knew that. And was o.k. with it. He doesn't go through birth. I do. That's really just how I feel about it. |
Exactly how I feel as well.
With my first pg I wanted a midwife and birth center but DH didn't. Since I wanted DH to be comfortable too I gave in to an OB and hospital. While my DH was there and saw all the stuff happening to me, HE was not the one to have it *personally* done to him. While he thought it sucked that I had a c-section for him it wasn't so bad. He was just the observer. I was not willing to try to compromise the second time just so DH was comfortable. *I* needed to be comfortable and feel safe. A woman should birth where she feels safe....not where everyone else feels safe. Birth is womens work. Now saying that, my DH was wonderful during my HBAC. He was a great support in the form of being physically strong enough to handle me hanging from him and squeezing the heck out of his hands.
DH realized that I was not going to compromise and if he wanted to be part of the birth then he was going to have to support me fully and trust my judgement 100%.
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Quote:
That was not even an option for me. Where I live a primary VBAC is not allowed in a licensed birth center. However, you can have a HBAC. Makes no sense but the birthing culture is screwed up anyway. There is one hospital that accepts VBACs within 50+ miles. That hospital had policies such as internal CFM, had to have an IV in place, had to have baby by the 40th week, had to progress on a certain time table (which was stricter than a non VBAC), oh and the best one was that they shaved your pubic hair ahead of time. You know just in case.
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All the other hospitals called for an ERC. How they call it "elective" when they are denying women the choice of VBAC is beyond me.
Good luck with your partner. Sometimes the whole VBAC/HBAC issue can cause a lot of tension and fighting. I hope you come to a decision that *you* are comfortable with.
If anyone from this thread gave me my DDDDC I want to give you a big
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Originally Posted by altarflame Perhaps a birth center would be a good compromise? |
All the other hospitals called for an ERC. How they call it "elective" when they are denying women the choice of VBAC is beyond me.
Good luck with your partner. Sometimes the whole VBAC/HBAC issue can cause a lot of tension and fighting. I hope you come to a decision that *you* are comfortable with.
If anyone from this thread gave me my DDDDC I want to give you a big
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we talked, a lot-by ourselves, he talked to other men whose partners had homebirthed (although not vbac), my midwives, read birthstories with me-
etc. every night, we would read from "spiritual midwifery" or "artemis speaks"-the birth stories- and the medical stuff too, statistics, etc.
he was there when i came home from the s.o.b.'s office that told me i was high risk and all the interventions, etc. that would have to happen for me to "try" to vbac (in hosp-no birth center would do vbac) and dealt with the "aftermath" and told me right then he would support me 100%...
anyway after all this, during our "babymoon" he told me that the day i was in labor was the most at peace he has ever felt. we have talked about it a lot since, too.
i needed his support, i am not one that could have done it by myself, and there was no family support.
a nyway, i could go on forever about this stuff LOL- i don't know if this helps, there is already a lot of great ideas here
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etc. every night, we would read from "spiritual midwifery" or "artemis speaks"-the birth stories- and the medical stuff too, statistics, etc.
he was there when i came home from the s.o.b.'s office that told me i was high risk and all the interventions, etc. that would have to happen for me to "try" to vbac (in hosp-no birth center would do vbac) and dealt with the "aftermath" and told me right then he would support me 100%...
anyway after all this, during our "babymoon" he told me that the day i was in labor was the most at peace he has ever felt. we have talked about it a lot since, too.
i needed his support, i am not one that could have done it by myself, and there was no family support.
a nyway, i could go on forever about this stuff LOL- i don't know if this helps, there is already a lot of great ideas here
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Kleine Hexe -
That SUCKS about the legalities. It makes no sense whatsoever, as well...I was just at childbirth class tonight, talking with my midwife about how totally nonsensical it is that you have the legal right to KILL THE BABY through abortion until you're like 6 months along, but past that point you can't choose where to birth? It's sick...
That SUCKS about the legalities. It makes no sense whatsoever, as well...I was just at childbirth class tonight, talking with my midwife about how totally nonsensical it is that you have the legal right to KILL THE BABY through abortion until you're like 6 months along, but past that point you can't choose where to birth? It's sick...
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