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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well I am new to the forum. I thought about joining when I first found out I was pregnant but put it off. Dealing with a pregnancy, trying to stay in school, looking for a job, and planning a wedding was just... overwhelming. But now I find myself needing help with what I have been through... which has been rough.

I found out I was pregnant and was so excited. We had been trying for a few months and were anxiously awaiting a positive test. We went through the motions, telling family an friends, bumping the wedding up a couple of months, etc. But the pregnancy was strange. I cramped. Everyday. It was as intense as my periods. I asked my doctor about it. He said everything was fine as long as I wasn't bleeding. I had some spotting. My hCG levels were increasing and it was estimated that I was 5 wks and 5 days at my first ultrasound. A couple of weeks later, the morning before my next ultrasound, I woke up with pinkish brown jelly-like discharge, and quite a bit of it. I went to the emergency room. My fiance and I thought that perhaps this was just a scare.

It wasn't. After sending him home, because I thought everything was fine. The doctor soon determined that I had an abnormal pregnancy that would most likely result in a miscarriage. To add to the trauma I had to have a catheter so that they could fill my bladder with fluid for the ultrasound. If you have ever had one without pain medication, it is excrutiating. 1,000 tiny needles piercing your urethra. Horrible. And to boot I have to go through an ultrasound where she cant tell me anything due to HIPPA (sp?) violations. So I layed there with her prodding me and making small talk while all I want to know is if my baby has a heartbeat.

After the doctor explained that my hCG levels were lower than my last ultrasound and that the baby had not grown... miscarriage was likely... I cried... and cried... No one was with me. My parents were on their way down... but my fiance was at home without a phone... I put my clothes on and was discharged. I left the hospital and started walking down the street. I know I should have stayed there but... I couldnt. My parents turned the corner and ushered me into the car.

I don't know how to explain it... I still had a baby inside of me, but it wasn't growing and there really was little hope... I had a D&C two mornings later... I believe I made the right decision to have surgery, I could not have mentally handled it on my own... I did that six years ago and it was the worst I had gone through... until now.

So here I am. A day later and I still feel the pressure on my heart and the sobs that want to come... but I can't really cry anymore... I want to try again. I know that I am ready to be a mother. I have a great support system but I really just wanted to tell my story to people who would understand and see what advice they have to offer.
 

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oh mama
many of us know how you are feeling, it's something that we wouldn't wish on our worst enemies.
, i don't really have any advice except for-take it easy, give yourself time to grieve, there is no right or wrong way-and we're all here for you.

also, if you post this in pregnancy loss as well you might get more responses.
 

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Just be easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up. It is the only advice I can give. There are so many reasons' for MC and I will never understand why some of us get picked.
 

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Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. The pain is so intense and consuming. The only hope I can give you is that if you let yourself feel it, it will gradually lessen. Sending you huge hugs!
I hope you get your rainbow baby soon.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you ladies. Things are getting better physically but I still break down at random times...

I'm avoiding Wal-Mart and any public place like it was the plague... I saw five pregnant women the other day in there! I am happy for them but the emptiness just hits you like a brick.

Another problem is that I am at my parents and in my home town where my mother and father, being the soon to be proud grandparents, have told EVERYONE. And I mean EVERYONE.... so I don't even want to go to the local hang out spot with my dad to get coffee.

So here I am confined to the house and on facebook and MDC... oh and reading Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean M. Auel. ::sigh::

That's all I got for now.
 
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