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could my DD have been sexually abused?

1318 Views 21 Replies 16 Participants Last post by  faithnj, 
Thursday Girl
so i have concerns that i am not really sure how to broach.it has a little to do ith potty traing, and some to do with having just finished reading protecting the gift and instinct and a nagging thought. i guess i will start at the beginning. I am talking about my daughter Jewely who is now three. It started when she was maybe 5 or 6 months old. I left her with my friend so i could run to the grocery store. now this was a female friend (who is a lesbian) i never had any apprehensions about her or my child. But when i was coming home i was filled with almost a dread that something was happening to my daughter sexually. Now i need to say that i had been molested as an 8 year old and i was going through a period of time when i was pretty paronoid about something happening. But as i drove up to my house i was almost afraid that something was happening. When i got home Jewely was on the counter naked and the woan was giving her a bath. it made me uncomfertable especially after the thoughts that i had been having. I never let her with my child again. but brushed aside the fact that anything could have happened. occasionally i have wondered, but Jewely never acted strangely that i can think of. i mean it's been awhile but i don't remember any change of attitude or anything. she couldn't really communicate and has never said anythig since. i thought she might have touched herslef more then is normal but i have no idea what is normal. But now she is three and potty training isn't going well. she will cry and cry and say she doesn't like to pee. and having just read protecting the gft it came back to me. i mean i didn't completely forget it was there but not on the surface. could the peeing thing be fromthat. the other day she crawled under the table layed face down on the floor and peed her pants and i just don't know how to apprach this all. if the potty training stuff is normal or if it's strange.i talked to my mom and a friend who has two grown children. I din't mention my fears just the potty training trouble. my mom said her kids ever did anything like that (but i am almost positive that she remembers things way wrong) and my friend almost seemed disturbed by what i told her.i don't know how do you figure somethig like this out? i mean i don't want to bring issues up if nothing ever happened. I have talked to her about telling if something ever happens of that she should say "stop or i'll tell" and that she should tell. i really felt like i didn't do the best job with the talk but didn't want to continuely bring it up. i thought maybe we could start a discussion group and help prepare each other to have the sexual predator talk with our toddlers. if anyones interested we could start a new thread.Plus she could not rmember. i forgot my abuse until i was 16, but the risidual effects were happening even when it was repressed. i mean could i be totally silly here, could i be totally blowing everything out of proportion. she is really such a happy child, intelligant, joyful, you can see it in her eyes. but then it just hit me but this wasn't until she was over one, a friend pointed out that she didn't seem as happy, like her eyes were sort of dead. the time frame is off though. oh god i am really working myself up here. i don't want to tell anyone in real life. my husband would think i am being silly, he doesn't understand this sort of stuff plus i once questioned him about abuse and trust me that didn't happen, not even my gut made me worry about that. god am i always going to be so paranoid?I don't want to tell anyone else b/c i am embarressed that i didn't look into this further or even say anything to the woman.jesus someone please respond to me i am really driving myself crazy.

Courtney
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B
Oh mama, I just couldn't read this and not respond. This is pretty sensitive stuff and I think it's very tough to fully process these kinds of issues online. It seems like talking to someone "in real life" would be a good way to go. Not your husband, not your mom, but a professional. That way you could really talk about your fears, get them all out on the table and not worry about either freaking people out or having them discount your feelings. I find when I keep things to myself they start to feed on the secrecy and multiply. Before I know it I can't differentiate between what's real or my fear.

Your baby may have had a bad thing happen to her or maybe she has a loving mama who had a bad thing happen to her. Our babes are such sensitive and intuitive creatures. If something happened to her at such a young age, you may never know. The important thing now is to love her the best you can, and you're already doing that.

Perhaps the mamas on the "Surviving Abuse" forum can be of help with your potty learning question (and offer some support and insight into the whole issue.) I'm not there yet and I'm not sure what "normal" resistance to PT looks like. I can tell you that my son and most of the little kids I know touch themselves quite a lot (especially once they figure out how to get around the diaper.) They just haven't learned the whole privacy thing yet.

Good luck to you and your little one.
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B
I think you should definitely go with your instincts on this one. Een if she wasn't abused there is obviously something about the potty that is bothering her and you need to get to the bottom of it.

Is this new? Is it possible that she may have a UTI that makes peeing hurt? I hope you figure it out soon.
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A
not sure what else to say, I feel for you mama. Best wishes
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D
s I didn't want to read and not respond. I hope you take pp advice to seek help to talk this over with someone professional. It always good to follow your instincts but if something happened to you, your instincts may be in hypersensitive. I hope you find some answers.
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starlein26
Oh sweetie
. I wish I could offer some relief to your worries but I think that if you're concerned enough to post about it, your mommy instinct is telling you something. It wouldn't hurt to speak to a child sexual abuse counselor. Even if you're totally off-base, you will at least know that you know for sure, kwim.
Just one question, as far as her potty-training, have you noticed a regression in ability or is she just learning and exhibiting these behaviors?
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Thursday Girl
the potty training has been all over the charts. this suspected incident happened when she was only 5-6 months. at 18 months she started asking to go t the bathroom but they wouldn't take her at school so she stopped at home too. then when they started at school she wouldn't at home. she fell in the toilet once with me, nothing. finally started getting her going sometimes, and just moved her into underwear and i haveto tell her when to go now she won't go on her own. although every once in awhile she will. sometimes she won't cry. she was going when i asked or when i told her but more recently she has started the crying and saying she doesn't like to go pea. poop she doesn't really have a problem with.

where do you find asexual abuse cunselar?
oh i am going to schedule an appointment with her pediatrician, can i ask him about it?

courtney
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T
my first instinct is that it might be your hypersensitivity because of your own experiences that is causing you to read quite a lot into your daughter's struggles with potty learning... but again, that is merely my first instinct and i do not know either you or your daughter and am merely a far-removed observer.

the suggestion of you talking to a counselor is a great one. i personally would be hesitant to bring up this topic with any medical professionals as it could go on your or your daughter's record and possibly have repercussions in the future as our health insurance crisis continues to spiral out of control. i would ask the county health department or some secular/non-religious social service agencies in the community first. if you know any doulas or midwives or in-home daycare providers, ask for some suggestions of counselors from them. they often have referrals, too.
i can't even begin to imagine how this must be weighing on you... please know that i am thinking of you, and that although you can't change what has happened in the past -- to you or possibly to your little one -- maybe you can find a new peace and a new understanding somehow on your path to healing. although it's a very different experience, the metaphor of a new mother feeling guilty and embarrassed because she cannot breastfeed despite trying desperately or feeling inadequate because her birth experience was full of unwanted interventions comes to mind.

just know that you are the best mama for your very own best baby. that's why she picked you.


~claudia
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starlein26
Quote:

Originally Posted by jewelysmommy
the potty training has been all over the charts. this suspected incident happened when she was only 5-6 months. at 18 months she started asking to go t the bathroom but they wouldn't take her at school so she stopped at home too. then when they started at school she wouldn't at home. she fell in the toilet once with me, nothing. finally started getting her going sometimes, and just moved her into underwear and i haveto tell her when to go now she won't go on her own. although every once in awhile she will. sometimes she won't cry. she was going when i asked or when i told her but more recently she has started the crying and saying she doesn't like to go pea. poop she doesn't really have a problem with.

where do you find asexual abuse cunselar?
oh i am going to schedule an appointment with her pediatrician, can i ask him about it?

courtney
I was thinking about a licensed child psychologist with expertise on child sexual abuse that could possibly interview your daughter (that's if you can afford that), otherwise you might want to check out your state's Department of Health or Department of Children and Families and see if they may have some type of sexual abuse outreach programs. Try googling the highlighted terms plus your state's name and see if you can find some helpful links or not.
Oh and does your book "Protecting the Gift" have any references to agencies in the back?
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C
Just curious, would you have had these worries had the sitter been heterosexual?

For what it's worth, the number of lesbian pedophelia cases reported is extremely low.

I am hoping that you are overreacting due to your personal experiences.
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Thursday Girl
ok i shouldn't have put the fact that she was a lesbian in the post. it didn't have to do with that. it was the feeling that i got that horrible griping fear that something was happening and then coming home and my daughter is naked. i mean ifit was the lesbian thing i would be freaked out when my mother (who i totally trust) is with my kids.

courtney
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F
Personally, even if the friend touched your child inappropriately at 5-6 months, unless it actually hurt or scarred your daughter's vaginal area, I doubt it would have anything whatsoever to do with how your child is dealing with potty training at 18 months. Did you see any marks or scars on your child after your friend cared for her? If not, then I think you really have to let it go, or you will just make yourself crazy wondering if anything happened-- which is a question you will never be able to answer. (Plus, as somebody said-- lesbians are rarely child molesters, so the odds are on your side.)

On top of that--, there are soo many difficulties that can go along with potty training-- it just seems like the wrong thing to tie into child abuse at 5-6 months of age. I mean, you could start to look at ANY thing your child does and tie it to child molestation, if you are not careful. She goes into a crying phase-- all the sudden it could be from molestation. (Meanwhile, a molar is coming in....or she has a tummy ache from a new food you've introduced, or she has an undetected sore throat.) Baby starts to touch her private parts more. (And why not? You are wiping the area everyday with baby wipes...If you give her a wipe, you might see that she wants to do that too!) But then you start to wonder, is she touching herself because of molestation. If you read up on it, you learn that all babies touch themselves at some point.

If you really think something is wrong, I'd go with the other reader who suggested you check for a UTI. And speak to the pediatrician about your molestation concerns, just to get it off your chest and to find out if the ped can do anything for you. Also, read up on what many babies do while being potty trained. Just because two people had babies who didn't go through this doesn't mean that out of a hundred babies, a good 30 might do just what your child is doing.

I am in a similar position as yourself, and these types of worries are some of the inescapable side effects. The one time I left my DD in my friend's husband's care for 15 minutes until my friend got home- still gnaws at my stomach. I realize that what's really bothering me is my own past experience, more than anything else. When I got my DD back, I checked her for any damage, because that's really all you can do when it comes to children that little. But because I felt suspicious, I know it's just best not to leave my DD with men for any reason-- even if it's only to wait for their wives. I mean, why go around suspecting everyone when I know how I can avoid the problem in the first place? Worrying about whether child molestation happened or not is just too heavy a toll to pay in the future. So I'd rather not leave myself in a position to have to question it.

Faith
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C
My sister's daughter is almost 4 and she still has a fear of pooping, it get's to the point my sister had to put a suppository in her to make her go.

I am a little confused on why you would think a friend would be molesting your 5 month old(at the time), did she act guilty, was your baby crying or seem distressed at the time?
I hope you get the answers you are searching for, definately see a councellor.
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L
I just wanted to add that my first thought was UTI. I had urinary tract infections at this age and was unable to articluate the problem to my mother, so it took a while to figure out what was wrong. Definitely have her checked for this (and any other medical issues).

Good luck to you.
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L
I think it's really doubtful anything happened to her, and really farfetched that something minor that occured once at 5-6 months would have any influence on her now. But I think from reading your post that it is the influence of what happened to you that is working on your head.
You were freaked out about leaving her alone with the woman, but that doesn't mean something happened to your baby. A lot of babysitters like to bathe the baby (even me!) especially if they don't have their own or the baby is cranky and they are bored and need something to do with them.
She might also have wanted to do you the favor of taking care of one more chore.

Many children have peculiar toileting issues and funny little idiosyncrasies and they have not been abused in any way. I've known boys who wanted their mothers with them to poop in a diaper until the age of five and six. And we as adults can project all kinds of things onto, say, a child's retelling of what happened at preschool.

As you know these issues are brought up when one has one's own children and I agree with those who suggest you speak to a professional. Otherwise this will become difficult for you to manage in a healthy way. You can't refuse to leave your child with a kind male caregiver, for instance, or any other kind friend- you can't monitor and control your child's every interaction because you're afraid something might happen. You can minimize risk, but you want your child to be free and trusting, not suspicious and fearful. It will be no kind of life for either of you if you can't move past this. The best thing you can do for your daughter's sake is to get the help you need
.
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eirual
Have you ever asked your friend WHY she was giving her a bath? I'd talk to her, explain that it's no offence to her but just that it was an issue that was bothering you in the back of your mind. Now that may open a whole new can of worms, but if she had a valid excuse that you feel comfortable with, it may help ease your mind.

I don't know much about abuse, nor how much a 5 month old can understand, but i wouldn't think that they'd know what was going on?? (maybe?) I mean, for all they know it could have been for a medical exam or bum cleaning or whatever....anywhoo, I kinda doubt the potty training is linked to this issue.
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L
It could be that her desire to go at school coupled with being told no, and the falling in the toilet are far bigger obstacles. My dd was nearly fully potty trained at 2, but had a bad poop accident at my friend's house (and I freaked out a little because she got poop on the carpet). After that incident, she regressed on the training, and started withholding poop. It took us a year to get her to poop in the potty after that!

I have to say that I agree with pp's that it is unlikely that something that happened when she was 5-6 months old(which may not have happened, hopefully) would be affecting her potty training now. Think about all those of us who had temps taken rectally as infants! I truly think that it is likely that your baby spilled food on herself, spit up, had a really messy diaper, and your friend bathed her. I agree that some counseling might be in order to help you sort out your feelings about this. I hope nothing that awful happened to your babe, and huge hugs to you mama for the emtions and worry that this brings up for you.
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C
My daughter had a hard time pooping in the potty when she was first potty learning. In fact, she peed every single time in the potty right from the start, but for three months, she pooped in her pants. If I put her up on the potty to try to poop, she'd often cry and tell me she was scared and I never did figure out what was wrong. One day, she simply pooped in the potty and that was that.

I also think that at 5 or 6 months, perhaps she was too young to form memories. But I honestly don't know so I recommend seeing someone, too.
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R
Hey, mama, I know this can be rough! I just want to pitch in and suggest your get some counseling. I have a sister (fostered into our family in her early teens) who was recently hit with PTSD when her DD reached the same age she was when she was abused. She'd been living a perfectly normal life, but maybe a little bit repressed, she hadn't really worked through all those issues and hadn't been to any counseling as an adult (she admits she was not always totally with it when it came to counseling as a teen--and has her CPS and psych records to corroborate).

My point is that stuff that you may even think you've gotten past may come back to bite you if you don't confront and deal with it, and a professional can really help with that. And if you're already feeling hypersensitive about it, all the more reason to deal with it.

As for the potty training thing, my DD has been backsliding a lot lately, too. So did my niece, though in her case we thought it had as much to do w/ constantly moving around and changing caregivers.

It may be as simple a thing as a UTI or just being sore in that area. For my DD, giving her a rinse with a peri bottle, esp. after a messy poo (of which she's had more in her pants lately, along w/ peeing
), in between baths, seems to help. She really doesn't like the whole wiping process, so it minimizes it.
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Thursday Girl
ok so shehasa dr. appt. i havecalmeddown on the whole issue. i think i might need to see someone. the issue with mehas never been dealt with and every so often it flares it's ugly head. i have no insurance though so i will have to findsome way around that, plus the no car and can't leave thebaby thing. hmm i better get thinking. thanks for all the support.

courtney
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