[mama516/419]

My cousin is going through a difficult custody battle with her 20mo son . She has been a single mom to him his whole life and the father has decided to become a part of the babies life . The court wants to grant split custody but my cousin knows that this will ruin the nursing relationship . When she mentioned it to the judge she told her to wean him , that at his age he didnt need it and that it is unfair for her to be able to offer something that the father would not be able to . As a nursing mother it frustrates me to see that nursing a baby is not even considered a priority . It makes me wonder if this is an " all ages" thing or strictly due to him being over 6mo . While we are all thrilled that baby boy will finial be recongnized by his father I m sorry at the price its coming at
Needed to vent a bit

:
Peace

 

[mysticmomma]

She doesn't need to wean him, and while it sucks, at 20 months it's not going to ruin their nursing relationship.

 

[Picturesque]

The attitude of the judge toward nursing is all too common in the judicial system and it makes me sick. OF COURSE the mother is going to be able to do something the father can't - if for no other reason than by virtue of all the time that she has spent with him while dad was MIA! The court is supposed to do what is in the best interest of the CHILD and I just can't fathom how awarding 50/50 custody in a situation with a parent who has been absent until recently can be justified as being in that child's best interest, regardless of the nursing relationship. Does her child have a GAL? Maybe he/she could make a stronger case on the child's behalf.

 

[Mama2Rio]

i don't know if you looked at the llli web site about this, which basically says the child should bond with both parents... but here are 2 links, you migt want to print them up for your cousin.

The Breastfeeding Relationship and Visitation Plans:
http://www.llli.org/Law/LawVisitation.html

and

Breastfeeding and Divorce
http://www.llli.org/Law/LawDivorce.html

 

[jeanine123]

She might also be interested in Kathryn Dettwyler's extended BFing court letter.

http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detletter.htm

 

[proudmomof4]

Thanks for the resources!
So that's how it works? Mothers involved in a custody battle should not breastfeed (or at least wean ASAP) for "fairness reasons"? The world is a weird place.

 

[kalamos23]

I'm pretty sure either WHO or the AAP just came out saying that we should BF to 2 years - that would be a good thing to bring up too.

 

[Mandynee22]

Definately direct her to the resources listed here. Maybe she's only given you the possibles though and not the whole picture. You said the court wants to grant split custody (which IMO is dumb for a kid that age, especially one who doesn't even know the NCP but that's beside the point) so I'm taking that to ean that the court hasn't actually done it. If the court/judge wanted to badly enough, they probably would have.
If I were your cousin, I would have a serious conversation with the baby's father. Maybe liberal daytime visitation (or limited overnight if she's OK with that) in exchange for really low or non existant child support. Money talks.

ETA: to the above poster- My DD's name is Riley-Anne

ETA 2: since this is lactivism... I have no advice about what to do about the judge's reaction. I know there are some states (or maybe it's just one) that takes it into consideration.

 

[puddle]

If she has a good pediatrician (which is, of course, hard to come by) then maybe she could get a letter from that doctor attesting to the continuing importance of nursing for her child?

 

[jimblejamble]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mama516/419 ...and that it is unfair for her to be able to offer something that the father would not be able to.

Um, the fact that she carried him in her womb for 9 months and gave birth to him means that she was able to do stuff for him that the father wasn't able to do. What a stupid argument!

 

[vegemamato]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JessicaRenee Um, the fact that she carried him in her womb for 9 months and gave birth to him means that she was able to do stuff for him that the father wasn't able to do. What a stupid argument!

:

 

[mama516/419]

Thank you all very much . I did send her the links she said she had already given the lawyer the letter from Kathy D but hadnt seen the other 2 links and I will recomend the letter from her ped - who I only know sapports vax delays but possibly also sapports extended BF .
Mandy - do you have any specifics on states that have approval for extended BF ? Maybe her lawyer could present what judges in other cases have done ?
Thanks again

 

[Mandynee22]

I don't have them but the LLL site does (it's under the state laws part)
IDK about approval for extended BFing but there are ones who have something about nursing being considered in matters of visitation (is one Maine maybe??? I really can't remember)

 

[SashaBear]

I would ask the ped to come and testify. A letter probably won't do much.

 

[Swan3]

Please also check out Dr Jack Newman's website and write to him. He comes across this a lot and I know that he's provided great expert information and doctor cred to many women in this situation.

 

[smeep]

There has been some great advice offered so far but I would like to add that, unless someone has a good idea against it, that it should be referred to as full-term bfing, not extended bfing. 2+ years is full-term, anything before that is early weaning. I wouldn't call it extended until past 7 or so (depending on the individual child).

 

[organicmidwestmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mama516/419 My cousin is going through a difficult custody battle with her 20mo son . She has been a single mom to him his whole life and the father has decided to become a part of the babies life . The court wants to grant split custody but my cousin knows that this will ruin the nursing relationship . When she mentioned it to the judge she told her to wean him , that at his age he didnt need it and that it is unfair for her to be able to offer something that the father would not be able to . As a nursing mother it frustrates me to see that nursing a baby is not even considered a priority . It makes me wonder if this is an " all ages" thing or strictly due to him being over 6mo . While we are all thrilled that baby boy will finial be recongnized by his father I m sorry at the price its coming at Needed to vent a bit : Peace

though the judge sounds like he/she isnt very educated about breastfeeding, please know that shared custody of a toddler doesnt have to ruin the breastfeeding relationship. i split with my ex when lo was about that age and my kiddo would still nurse when we were together and not when he was with his dad. ideal? no. workable? yes! my lo ended up nursing until age 5 on a part-time schedule of with me 3-4 days a week, with dad the other.

 

[Yulia_R]

As pro-bf as I am (still tandem nursing my 4 and 2.5 yo) I think there are things that are more important than the "perfect nursing" relationship. Having both parents in his life is one of those things. A 20mo will definitely NOT wean if going for a day without nursing. Perhaps it is not ideal for nursing relationship, but oh well. There are also arrangements she could do: come for 30-60 min visits while baby is with the father in order to nurse her lil one (while pumping in between) is one of them. If the father isn't thrilled of the idea, she can bring up the swine flu epidemic, saying that weaning now is really not in baby's best interest.

By the way, just wondering how did the case got into court on the first place? Did she say "no" to the father's involvement in baby's life? If so, I don't think she was acting in the baby's best interest either.

I think both parents just need to sit down and have a good talk putting aside their own agendas and figuring out how to make it work the best for the baby. When I see my dh with the kids it's very clear to me that no matter what happens withour marriage in the future, I do want them to have their father. The things that he shares with them have nothing to do with what I do with them; both of us bring to the plate different things, activities, experiences and this is what makes it so important for the kids to have both parents (even if they aren't living together).

 

[KarlaC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yulia_R As pro-bf as I am (still tandem nursing my 4 and 2.5 yo) I think there are things that are more important than the "perfect nursing" relationship. Having both parents in his life is one of those things. A 20mo will definitely NOT wean if going for a day without nursing. Perhaps it is not ideal for nursing relationship, but oh well. There are also arrangements she could do: come for 30-60 min visits while baby is with the father in order to nurse her lil one (while pumping in between) is one of them. If the father isn't thrilled of the idea, she can bring up the swine flu epidemic, saying that weaning now is really not in baby's best interest. By the way, just wondering how did the case got into court on the first place? Did she say "no" to the father's involvement in baby's life? If so, I don't think she was acting in the baby's best interest either. I think both parents just need to sit down and have a good talk putting aside their own agendas and figuring out how to make it work the best for the baby. When I see my dh with the kids it's very clear to me that no matter what happens withour marriage in the future, I do want them to have their father. The things that he shares with them have nothing to do with what I do with them; both of us bring to the plate different things, activities, experiences and this is what makes it so important for the kids to have both parents (even if they aren't living together).

I'd just like to toss in you don't have to 'do' anything. My ex went mia for 3 years, then out of the blue wrote the courts complaining I was denying him visitation. They believed him & crucified me for it, just have a jerk for an ex.

 

[Yulia_R]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KarlaC I'd just like to toss in you don't have to 'do' anything. My ex went mia for 3 years, then out of the blue wrote the courts complaining I was denying him visitation. They believed him & crucified me for it, just have a jerk for an ex.