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Regular member going anonymous for this because people I know in real life know that I post here and vice versa.

Would you be hurt/upset if you were in my situation or am I the one in the wrong?:

My cousin's wife is 7 months pregnant. There is a get together/family dinner coming up for our grandfather's birthday. My other cousin and our aunt have asked that when it comes to her birth plan that I either keep my opinion to myself and if I can't then not come at all. His wife has a heart condition and is having a planned c-section where she will not be awake. She will also not be breastfeeding because her medication is incompatible with breastfeeding. My one cousin says I am a "birth snob" and my cousin's wife doesn't need to hear me tell her that a midwife I know has a done a home birth with a woman who has the same condition as her, or that there is a different medication she can take that would allow her to breastfeed. I am not one to shy away and stifle myself and while I don't want to upset her I am not one to lie about how I feel and what I think. I'm not going to get in her face or bring it up and cause a scene but if the subject is brought up (likely to happen) I can't lie and pretend to feel differently.

If you were in my shoes would you be hurt if asked not to attend the dinner or to shut up and keep quiet if you did go? How would you react and would you still go? Thank you in advance to anyone who responds.
 

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I understand that you feel hurt, but I absolutely agree that you should not be second-guessing the medical advice your sister-in-law received from her doctors. They know her condition better than you do (there may be things she does not care to share with others). She may not want a midwife-attended birth even if there is one who is willing to attend her birth. It is her right to decide that home birth with her health conditions is more risky than she is comfortable with. It is also her right to decide that she does not want to switch a medication that works well for her.
 

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I understand that you feel hurt, but I absolutely agree that you should not be second-guessing the medical advice your sister-in-law received from her doctors. They know her condition better than you do (there may be things she does not care to share with others). She may not want a midwife-attended birth even if there is one who is willing to attend her birth. It is her right to decide that home birth with her health conditions is more risky than she is comfortable with. It is also her right to decide that she does not want to switch a medication that works well for her.
I agree 1000%. If you don't think that you would be able to refrain from commenting and critiquing her birth plans I suggest you stay home.
 

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Absolutely agree with chickabiddy and TCMoulton.

I don't think you need to lie though. If it comes up you don't have to offer an opinion at all do you? Just nod and smile or offer neutral comments "that must be hard", "it's great that you've found a supportive care provider" or whatever. Not going seems like it would be a very pointed condemnation of her choices. Like "I can't even be in the same room as you, knowing what your birth plan is".


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If you feel strongly about informing her because she might not know there are other options then maybe go to the dinner, bite your tongue, and then write her a very kind letter.

A letter is away from prying eyes, its personal, you can make it heartfelt without sounding judgemental.

Id keep in mind that every person is different. she may be very fearful of her heart condition causing problems if she goes through labor. Her drs couldve scared her and shes trying to do the safest thing. There are people who dont want to bf regardless of medication and thats their choice.

Now, if she is heartbroken over not being able to breastfeed and feels like she has no option other than a csec then i think informing her in a kind letter is the right thing to do.

but...if her mind is settled and/or she want this birth to go as planned, then stating your opinion is more likely to hurt than help.
 

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Since she is family, I say that keeping the peace takes priority. Your cousin is aware of the possible point of friction, and is doing you a favor by being honest about his concerns. There is no pretty way around the fact that you two have different values. I'd take it as a compliment that he is trying to smooth things over with you in advance, as that probably means that your presence is valued by him personally. Like the previous person said, saying nothing does not betray your opinion.
 

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I am not one to shy away and stifle myself and while I don't want to upset her I am not one to lie about how I feel and what I think. I'm not going to get in her face or bring it up and cause a scene but if the subject is brought up (likely to happen) I can't lie and pretend to feel differently.


The moral code that I follow is the Yamas and Niyamas. In this system, honesty is the 2nd highest virtue. It is an extremely important virtue. However, there is one virtue that is higher -- nonharming. The only time that we should avoid complete honesty is when someone will be harmed by it. I think that in your situation, telling how you feel would be hurtful, and that therefore *in my belief system,* the higher path would be to keep some of your opinions to yourself. You could always opt to say something that is true, but not the whole truth, such as that what you want most is for the mother and child to have and healthy delivery, and leave it at that.


If you decide that being 100% ruthlessly honest is more important to you than not being hurtful to an expectant mother, then I think that being asked to not attend events is a natural consequence. You are making a choice. There is no reason to have hurt feelings. You are experiencing the natural outcome of your belief system.


When thinking about this, it might help to remember that this isn't her first choice. It isn't her first choice to have a serious heart condition. It isn't her choice to need to take medication every day. It isn't her choice to have to consider whether or not giving birth will cause her own heart to give out. She may have other complications with pregnancy as well because of her heart. Just wish her well, send her peace. Keep your fingers crossed that this goes OK for her, because it might not.
 
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This is her baby, her body, and her life. Not yours.

You aren't coming from a loving place of acknowledging that individual choice and your cousin's best interests are more important than political BS. You're coming from a judgemental, self-righteous place.

If you can take a deep breath, acknowledge that you have done the best thing for your family, and that her best may be something else? Then, it may be worth having a loving, honest, caring discussion. While being fully open and embracing of both c-sections and formula as well as breastfeeding and vaginal birth but making sure that she's honestly and legitimately informed of all of her options.

If you can only consider that your best is the best, then it's in her best interest to shut your mouth and smile and nod. Because when that's the place you're coming from, you aren't trying to help her have the best birth she can, you're trying to insist that your way is the best and validate your ego.

She does not exist to validate your decisions.

You should sit down and think long and hard about why someone else choosing a different birth plan causes you so much ire and is so difficult for you to accept. It has no impact on you.
 

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If she was 16, healthy, and being bullied into a birth she didn't want, I'd say go for it.

C-sections exist for just such a situation as this. Leave her alone. Keep quiet.

-BWB, who hates unnecessary c-sections with a burning passion but has enough sense to recognize that sometimes they DO save lives
 
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