[guestmama800]

I am a very active member on here but since I am dealing with a sensitive subject I need to protect my identity.... even still I am in desperate need of guidance and support.<br><br>
My ex has caused a great deal of emotionally abusive in my life for years. He has a history of being both emotionally and physically abusive with his estranged wife. He has been mostly MIA for three years seeing dd about 48 hours each year.... but he was at the birth and did sign the declaration of paternity. In the past his reasoning for being an absent father is because he had to make <i>his other child with special needs his priority</i>. Well now he is emailing me claiming <i><span style="text-decoration:underline;">parental alienation</span></i>, saying horrible things like I am <i><span style="text-decoration:underline;">withholding</span></i> dd, he is concerned about her welfare and my ability to parent and said I was kidnapping because he does not know where dd lives (yet he drove us here himself three years ago when we were released from the hospital and we have never moved since then). For the record all his claims are untrue!<br><br>
He is asking for tons of information I am not comfortable giving like the name address and phone numbers of the two college girls who babysit on occasion for me (whom he does not know even though he had the opportunity to interview them with me two years ago). And he wants a break down including name, address and phone numbers of all the places dd is on a consistent basis and wants her full scheduled outlined for him. He wants the names, addresses and phone numbers of anyone I have ever put on an emergency form for dd..... Does this not seem like a crazy request? Am I just resisting my solo parent life? I have filed for custody but he is avoiding service so does he have rights to any of this information? Honestly it seems he could use the information and attempt to take dd......... all while there is no court order in place. I feel he is absolutely crazy.<br><br>
His re-entrance in contact (after I was just beginning to self-heal) is breaking me down I feel myself shutting down due to the emotional abuse which is not good for dd since I am a solo mama. I am going to start seeing my DV councilor again (have a meeting scheduled for the end of next week) I stopped seeing her in the past due to a lack of childcare..... but it feels so overwealming.<br><br>
What am I to do?

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

I know you are scared, but the best way to deal with this is to simply not communicate with him. Forwad the email to your attorney (Ihpe you have one) and email back to him that since you are in the middle of a custody court case he will have to put all his requests through his attorney to yours) and if you have any of his old emails where he says he doesn't want to see or be with your child because he is focusin on thother then give those to your attorney. I apologize for any typos. I am typing without my glasses which is always a bad idea.<br><br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I am a very active member on here but since I am dealing with a sensitive subject I need to protect my identity.... even still I am in desperate need of guidance and support.<br><br>
My ex has caused a great deal of emotionally abusive in my life for years. He has a history of being both emotionally and physically abusive with his estranged wife. He has been mostly MIA for three years seeing dd about 48 hours each year.... but he was at the birth and did sign the declaration of paternity. In the past his reasoning for being an absent father is because he had to make <i>his other child with special needs his priority</i>. Well now he is emailing me claiming <i><span style="text-decoration:underline;">parental alienation</span></i>, saying horrible things like I am <i><span style="text-decoration:underline;">withholding</span></i> dd, he is concerned about her welfare and my ability to parent and said I was kidnapping because he does not know where dd lives (yet he drove us here himself three years ago when we were released from the hospital and we have never moved since then). For the record all his claims are untrue!<br><br>
He is asking for tons of information I am not comfortable giving like the name address and phone numbers of the two college girls who babysit on occasion for me (whom he does not know even though he had the opportunity to interview them with me two years ago). And he wants a break down including name, address and phone numbers of all the places dd is on a consistent basis and wants her full scheduled outlined for him. He wants the names, addresses and phone numbers of anyone I have ever put on an emergency form for dd..... Does this not seem like a crazy request? Am I just resisting my solo parent life? I have filed for custody but he is avoiding service so does he have rights to any of this information? Honestly it seems he could use the information and attempt to take dd......... all while there is no court order in place. I feel he is absolutely crazy.<br><br>
His re-entrance in contact (after I was just beginning to self-heal) is breaking me down I feel myself shutting down due to the emotional abuse which is not good for dd since I am a solo mama. I am going to start seeing my DV councilor again (have a meeting scheduled for the end of next week) I stopped seeing her in the past due to a lack of childcare..... but it feels so overwealming.<br><br>
What am I to do?</td>
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[Avani]

Proving parental alienation is extremely difficult in court and many courts don't even accept it. Keep your documentation of when and where he has visited and called. You are not entitled to give him any information except for updates on how your child is doing. Are you legally the sole custodian or do you not have a custody agreement (can't remember, sorry). I would consider filing a harrassment case against him or restraining order for harrassment. Save the emails as proof. Only respond to him with information on how your daughter is doing and if he needs any other information on your daughter then he should go through your lawyer/courts. He sounds like he is bluffing to gain some manipulation and control. I know it is wearing you down but if i were in your position i would file a harrassment case and ignore all of his emails.

 

[Avani]

The counselor is a great idea. I too am having the re-emergence of biodad with my kids and it is hurting me and causing depression and anxiety that i just don't need considering i am the solo parent of 6 kids. I am reaching out for support and doing a lot of energy work with women who provide it at a sliding scale for low income people. I call energy healers and ask if they are willing to help at a reduced fee. Many will. It keeps me grounded and prepares me for the next battle. It doesn't seem right after raising kids all alone with zero help from the biodads that they just reemerge to cause the mama's more pain. Us mama's need to be healthy in every way to raise these kids. Stay strong.

 

[mamansolo]

I am in the same boat, sorta...<br><br>
Contact your attorney and yes, speak to your DV counselor. I see one as well as she is of tremendous help.<br><br>
My father told me... the only way he can get to your DD is through you, you are like the transmission belt. So you need to take care of yourself and to be strong to protect her.<br><br>
Easier said then done though. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">

 

[brittneyscott]

I think you should get an attorney to deal with this. If you can't afford an attorney check with the social services office or a local legal aid office. They may can help you. DO NOT give him that information unless you are ordered to by a court. Also if you were not married when your child was born and you don't have a legal custody agreement filed through the courthouse you automatically have FULL legal and physical custody! He would have to take you to court and get a court order before you would be forced to allow visitation, shared custody, or any release of information. Get an attorney, see a counselor for your health, and avoid him. Good luck mama!

 

[MissLotus]

Yes, don't let him intimidate or manipulate you. Even if he had joint legal custody, you still wouldn't be required to provide him with the sort of details he's asking for! Let him use words like "alienation" and "withholding" - they're just scare tactics to bully you. If he is trying to avoid legal proceedings, then he certainly is more interested in harrassing you than in settling the issue about seeing his child. Don't worry that you'd look bad in court - you're the one that's filed, and he's the one avoiding gaining legitimate visitation! So yes, I agree with the others - don't respond to this stuff. Better yet, forward the emails to your lawyer and have him/her respond back that communication will have to be through them. Then it won't be as much fun for him to bother you any more.

 

[Theoretica]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissLotus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14506166"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yes, don't let him intimidate or manipulate you. Even if he had joint legal custody, you still wouldn't be required to provide him with the sort of details he's asking for! Let him use words like "alienation" and "withholding" - they're just scare tactics to bully you. If he is trying to avoid legal proceedings, then he certainly is more interested in harrassing you than in settling the issue about seeing his child. Don't worry that you'd look bad in court - you're the one that's filed, and he's the one avoiding gaining legitimate visitation! So yes, I agree with the others - don't respond to this stuff. Better yet, forward the emails to your lawyer and have him/her respond back that communication will have to be through them. Then it won't be as much fun for him to bother you any more.</div>
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Yup. This!<br><br>
Good luck mama!

 

[guestmama800]

I am a little overwealmed. He has finally provided an address but it's for an attorney who specializes in father's rights...... and I don't yet even have a retained attorney. I do have an attorney I am working with but she said while he was avoiding service there was nothing we could do.<br><br>
I mentioned this on my "sole custody" thread but:<br><br>
"I am working on getting a family attorney ~ Ideally a close friend of a friend who is a family attorney will take my case on for little or no cost.... or I am hoping I can work out a flat rate of some sort with her. (I am asking my ex be responsible for attorney fees but even IF ordered I know he won't pay....). I also plan to see what legal services or resouces I can utilize thru my DV shelter and councilor."<br><br>
Hopefully I can pull it all together.

 

[jujyfruitbaby]

calmohm, you need to find the meanest, most balls-swinging junkyard dog of a winning attorney you can. nevermind the money. his lawyer's going to be very aggressive and use every dirty trick available, and you need someone savvy and tough enough to stand up to it and shield and advise you. understand that a lawyer like this is also likely to be very harsh to you, so line up the emotional support as well.<br><br>
do you know who your town's successful meanie is?

 

[Momtwice]

It is legal, at least in my state, for the father to be served at his attorney's office and the attorney to accept and sign for the papers on his behalf. Your attorney may need to ok this with him/them first.

 

[Mary-Beth]

So out of no where he contacts you and wants this kind of info?<br><br>
That is strange.<br><br>
I have no experience in this situation so my first thought is you need a lawyer and a counselor for emotional support and to help you support your child if a parent is re-entering her life.<br><br>
Best wishes.

 

[guestmama800]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>jujyfruitbaby</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14508792"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">calmohm, you need to find the meanest, most balls-swinging junkyard dog of a winning attorney you can. nevermind the money. his lawyer's going to be very aggressive and use every dirty trick available, and you need someone savvy and tough enough to stand up to it and shield and advise you. understand that a lawyer like this is also likely to be very harsh to you, so line up the emotional support as well.<br><br>
do you know who your town's successful meanie is?</div>
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I agree with your device completely however I can't never mind the money because I really don't have the funds.

 

[guestmama800]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Mary-Beth</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14510348"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So out of no where he contacts you and wants this kind of info?<br><br>
That is strange.<br><br>
I have no experience in this situation so my first thought is you need a lawyer and a counselor for emotional support and to help you support your child if a parent is re-entering her life.<br><br>
Best wishes.</div>
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He is not actually contacting me out of the blue he is pushing me for a couple weeks to give him all this information my only response has been for him to tell me when he would like to see dd and can he provide a valid physical address where he can be served. He responded after me saying the same things for months with this attorney contact info.

 

[HappilyEvrAfter]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>guestmama800</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14512234"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I agree with your device completely however I can't never mind the money because I really don't have the funds.</div>
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Some of them have payment plans...most all of them accept credit cards.<br><br>
I know it's a hard place to be in financially (I JUST finished paying off a divorce battle), but, in the end, it will be the most worthwhile debt you've ever encountered.<br><br>
Best of luck to you! You've gotten some really good advice here.<br>
I just wanted to offer support....I know what it's like to battle a manipulator.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">calmohm, you need to find the meanest, most balls-swinging junkyard dog of a winning attorney you can. nevermind the money. his lawyer's going to be very aggressive and use every dirty trick available, and you need someone savvy and tough enough to stand up to it and shield and advise you. understand that a lawyer like this is also likely to be very harsh to you, so line up the emotional support as well.</td>
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Ditto this...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">

 

[BabyBearsMummy]

It sounds to me like an attempt to scare you away from pursuing child support. Dont give into the bully tactics. The onus is on him to prove parental alienation. Keep good records and all should be good.

 

[Labbemama]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.<br>
I second the advice to get a good attorney. Sending hugs and wishing you lots of luck in this.