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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This post may be in the wrong place...if so please feel free to move it as I couldn't decide where it would fit...

I'm sitting here trying not to cry again. So I'll try not to ramble. My DH (27) and I (27) have been married for a little more than a year. When we were dating we discussed at some length wanting to have a family/have children after a few years of marriage. We both agreed that time together alone as a married couple was important first though. About 6 months ago he made a comment that he wasn't sure he wanted to have kids. I replied with something like, of course not right now...you're in school...maybe in a year or two. Well, a few weeks later he made the comment again and when I responded he said that I didn't understand he meant ever, that he wasn't sure he *ever* wanted to have children. I talked with him about how he was feeling etc. and decided at that point just to listen and be supportive. Since then we have talked several times with me expressing that I feel "called" to be a momma and have for a long time. That I feel that my life would be so much richer with a child/children/small army of children to share it with and that I feel like our relationship would be richer as well. Well, tonight during a cuddly moment I took a deep breath and asked if he tought maybe in a year we could talk about beginning to TTC. For awhile he wanted to play with the semantics of the question then he said that he still hadn't made up his mind yet. I finally just had to say when will you have made up your mind. He said that in a year he could tell me one way or another whether or not he wanted to have children. We have talked about the fact that one of the reasons I got married was to have a family and that I don't know if I could be in a marriage that I knew would not result in that. He says if his decision is to not have children that he would "step out of the way." WTH?! He says that he is not using this as an excuse to not be married. I'm trying to view this as an opportunity for me to grow as a person becuase I am not used to being in a position where someone else holds the cards. That maybe this is to teach me what surrendering is all about. And how to better keep my mouth shut. It is just so uncomfortable and it's been an hour. The fact that this may go on for a year is also just awful. I realize that is just a speck of time in our lives and discomfort is not necessarily a bad thing but...please! Part of me thinks this is just the typical mid-20s guy being a guy phase. But then there is the part of me that is thinking, okay so in a year I may be facing the end of my marriage...which while isn't a scary thought persay as I am financially able to care for all my needs is one that certainly turns my stomach with loss. Obviously this is going to take lots of prayer on my part and hope. DH said at the end of our conversation that he hopes this hasn't changed my opinion of him and was very worried. I truely don't want it to but man, what power he has. I don't want to feel resentful towards him or avoid him because I don't want to deal with these feelings. But I also don't want to burden him. YUCK! Then I have those thoughts of just go off the pill and make the decision for him...but that feels so dishonest and sneaky....

So, has anyone out there gone through this? Do you think it is a stage? Am I right that I need to just shut up, back off, and let him sort through this or is this the time to tell him stories/bring babies to the house? Emotionally how can I cope with this (i.e. I know I can handle it, because it is not more than I can handle but how do I cope healthfully?)? Should I continue working on my plan for preTTC health/fitness/life in order type stuff or just take up a hobby? Would anyone else consider divorce if spouse didn't want children? Has anyone divorced due to this? Any other words of wisdom or advice?

Thanks, just getting this all out has helped a fraction.
Cool breezes,
Jenne
 

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First off, (((hugs))) to you. The first thing I thought of when I read your post was this general feeling that your dh is kinda immature, "I'll just step out of your way." Instead of wanting to resolve the issue, discuss your fears, he just takes the easy way out. My fear is that he won't respect your parenting choices. You know what I mean?

If you guys do decide to have kids, talk about parenting stuff before you TTC and make sure you're on the same page.

Sounds like you're a ways off from that right now. You said your dh knew going into marriage that you wanted a family. I wonder if he thought you were serious or thought he'd talk you out of it, or if maybe he's feeling a lot more intimidated by the idea.

I would definitely not make the decision for him. I agree that backing off for awhile is a good idea. You've planted the seeds and can wait to bring it up. Maybe you could tink about counseling so he and you both are in a situation that is less emotionally volatile and he can't get away with cop out, well if you want kids then I'll just let you divorce me etc., statements.

I dont' know if that was any help, but I feel for you.
 

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If I'm reading you right, you both discussed the importance of having children BEFORE you got married. And back then, you were both on the same page that having time alone together first was important (I completely agree) but that then you would start a family.

Now, he's changed his mind, and is going to "let you know" at some point what HIS decision will be. I often see the advice to "get some counseling" where, imo, it's not really called for. This is not one of those times. I would advise you to seek a neutral party asap to help work this out. Like you said, you accepting his position puts him in a huge position of power in the relationship, and that is not good for either of you. Of course you're going to be resentful! Who wouldn't?

There are two issues here: 1. Your dh has something going on about the kid issue that he needs to work out. 2. You have been betrayed by the man you married, who told you he wanted the same thing you did, but is now changing his mind. I can't imagine trying to straighten this out without professional help.

Good luck.
 

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I would recommend counseling as well. I think you both need to come to terms with how you're feeling and having a neutral person to help you sort things out will make it easier.
 

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OMG!

s and love to you!

I do not know what I would have done in your position.

My DH proposed to me by telling me that he wanted me to have his baby! We waited three years and then started our family.

We did decide that if we could not have a family, i.e., if we were infertile, that we would not do anything extraordinary; we would just be everyone's eccentric aunt and uncle.
 

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Everyone else has given good advice. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't try to wait a year... you'll go nuts. Yeah, try to get some help working through this now.

~9 yrs ago, dh and I went through a phase where it seemed like he was the one holding the cards in a lot of really powerful issues. And yeah, I was supposed to just sit on my hands and be patient and good and then we'd be able to work things out. I figured out that whatever the case, the *power imbalance* was not healthy, and that even if he was "not ready" to deal with/discuss some things, we had to do something to figure out how to cure the power imbalance if we didn't want to screw up our relationship. It turned out to be a really good thing for us to work through, and it definitely brought us closer. I'm hoping that working through this difficulty can be beneficial for you, too.
 

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mama! What a terrible thing to be experiencing. I agree with everyone that couseling is in order. I get the feeling that he has you on a trial and feels that he has a good way out of the marriage if it doesn't work out. He has a lot of power right now. I would not let it sit, I am not that kind of a person. I could probably be quiet for about an hour before I started the bitchin' LOL.

To answer your question, I would consider divorce if you really want children and he refuses. It's not like you both said you liked red houses now he wants to paint the house blue. This is your LIFE. if you want children, you deserve children.

Why is marriage about surrendering or keeping your mouth shut or giving him the power? Why is it not able love, and comprimise (for example only 2 children instead of the 5 you had talked about) and above all trust?

Victoria
 

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sitting around for a year while he gets to ignore the situation is not a solution!

he's acting in a very immature and inconsiderate way... sure, we're all a little scared and wary of the future, but negating what he already promised you is not the answer.

do not let him get away with this! you are in a partnership, you are not the passenger while he drives. the sooner you get to a counselor, the faster you will get this resolved.

sure, there's a chance that he's going to decide that he doesn't want to be a father. that's his choice, but he should have made it before he married you. throwing out a dealbreaker at this point in the game... very selfish of him. now he needs to face the consequences... and a quick divorce isn't the answer. what a coward, to say that to you!

he only holds that power if you let him. don't let him! he SHOULD be worried... he's made a big mess and wants you to pretend it isn't there.

good luck, mama. (i bet this is going to get moved to Parents as Partners... and you'll get some more good advice there). let us know how you're doing!

katje
 

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Neither my dh nor I wanted to have kids and we agreed to that before we got married. When I turned 30 I changed my mind but Dh did not. Then a miracle happened. My sister and her 22 month old were forced to move in with us for 6 months. We took care of my niece most of the time and both fell madly in love with her. We both got confidence in taking care of a child and knowing that one could fit into our lifestyle. But then again we had been married for 4 years and together for 3 before that do we had had our alone time.

Don't really have any advice. Hugs... You might want to explore your husband's reasons for not wanting kids - he may have some valid concerns or fears that he needs to work through before he feels he is ready. I say try to work with him on this and not against him. I would not ask for a final decision - that gives him all the power.
 

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I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. My sister is in a similar situation, but she is the one who does not want kids. However, she very much wants the relationship, and was honest with her boyfriend from the get go that she did not ever want children. They are in counseling right now to try to come to a peaceful settlement. Her last relationship (of 3+ years) ended becuase of this.

I think that it isn't fair of your husband to hold all the cards in this situation. You should not have to sit and wait for a year for him to make this huge, life-altering decision. Very few people would agree with a "sneaky" pregnancy, because of the unfair power it gives to the woman in the relationship. What he is doing to you is much the same. I think that he may be having some fears about parenthood, whether he is ready, capable, etc. I can't tell you how strongly I think this needs to be worked out with a counselor. Now.

Good luck to you, and I hope it all works out for the best.
 

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See if he is willing to go to counceling, you mentioned prayer, seek counceling through your church if you have one. It is definitely time to find out what is going on w/ him.
At 27 don't keep waiting for an answer. Fertility treatments are less and less effective tha older you get.
Ask him the hard questions, but only if you are ready for the hard truth.

I am truly sorry you are having this discussion after you are already married. It sounds like he wasn't being honest with himself and now wants to come clean oh so gently a hint here a hint there. Hey, if he didn't want kids from the get go with you then he should have had enough love for you to tell you the truth, instead is sound like he went along with you just to get married.
 

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((((((((Jenne)))))))

Welcome to MDC! You've received many wise words here already - I hope they help. I just wanted to add a hug and my support to you.

Please keep us posted. I'm sorry you're going through this.

mb
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Mama J Rock
I would recommend counseling as well. I think you both need to come to terms with how you're feeling and having a neutral person to help you sort things out will make it easier.
That's exactly what I wanted to say.

you are both really young, and while you have plenty of time to start a family in the future, your marriage needs help *NOW*
 

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Oh...what a sad situation to find yourself in! I would definitely agree about getting counseling, and would caution you to please NOT plan a "surprise" pregnancy. It will make matters worse for you to treat him the same way he's treating you, and then there will be another little life involved as well.

Isn't it great to read KKMama's post and know that there's hope?

Good luck to you.

Rochelle
Mommy to Meg 5/00, Peter 6/02, #3 due 8/04
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thank you all for your kind words and support. We are seeing a counselor next week. I am thinking this is just part of his immaturity phase which has been going on for a couple of months...prior to that we had discussed parenthood up oneside and down the other--how many, possible names, how we would want to raise them, good things about the way we were each raised, bad things about the way we were raised, school choices, birth choices and on and on. Alot of the conversations he started and when he proposed part of what he said was (and our vows too come to think of it) that he wanted to be my partner in parenting, what beautiful children we would have, how excited he was etc. I am sure a counselor can helps us figure this out. No worries about the "surprise" as much as I think he would be fine with it after a few weeks, that isn't how I want this to play out. Growing pains suck! I am so glad to know that y'all are out there to give me this support and advice. It makes things easier.

Cool Breezes,

Jenne
 
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