[romoma]

My 11 mo DS is a frequent waker, between 3-6 times a night. We co-slept exclusively until DS was almost 6 months old, when we got a crib and attempted to transition him into it for part of the night in order to allow us a little time together. We also wanted to get DS more comfortable with father-care and comforting because it was very stressful for both of us for DH to feel like he could not comfort his baby.

Now almost 6 months later the situation is basically the same. DS will occasionally sleep 1 or very rarely 2 hours in the crib but mostly needs to sleep in our bed and will wake if I am not there. So DH and I have very little time alone, and this is really taking a toll on our relationship. He is getting frustrated with our choices. He hears about all the babies in less attachment-oriented families who are sleeping all night and have been for months. Despite incredible patience and effort on his part, he is still not able to comfort DS when he wakes at night. DS will cry to the point of hysterics if he knows I am in the house and not in bed with him.

This makes DH feel isolated and helpless and makes him wonder whether we're using the boob for comfort in a way that isn't good, and whether DS is too attached to me in general. He is a very involved and sensitive daddy and I know it is very painful for him to feel like he can't stop DS from crying. I bear most of the brunt of the sleeping situation and am OK with it (DH takes DS in the AM so I get a little nap.) But the evenings are really tough. I miss my husband, and I know his missing me and feeling like he can't comfort his son is making him feel intolerant and impatient for change.

I am wondering whether anyone has any suggestions for gentle ways we might encourage our son to take comfort from his father, and to be able to sleep by himself for a little while, whether it's in his bed (crib), ours, or anywhere else that might work. Or any experience with how to deal with my husband's feelings. I really don't want to do CIO or anything like that but I know he's losing patience and I do feel strongly that meeting a baby's needs at the expense of his parents' relationship is doing nobody any favors.

 

[bethwl]

I don't have too much help to offer, but I know it's hard. The only resource I would suggest is Elizabeth Pantley's The No-Cry Sleep Solution. It's the only book about sleeping better that I have ever seen that is not a CIO tome. And she offers ideas to help with either cosleeping or crib sleeping and with transitioning the crib. I hope it gets better for you--

Beth
dd Annika 8.9.03

 

[village idiot]

ITA with the pp about Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution. Also I think as your ds gets older, maybe dh will be better able to comfort him. Do they get play time with or without you?

My dd loves her daddy and follows him around when he is home. But when she wants to nurse, not much can change her mind. She is 19 months btw, a little older than your guy. She stays with dh for short periods of time (an hour or two, then she is asking for milk). It has only been recently that has happened though. I do all the comforting/putting to bed for her though and we cosleep.

hope my ramblings have helped somewhat.

 

[BAU3]

How about daddy comforting, with you right there,too? mybe for awhile.. so ds can get used to daddy comfort with mama present?

we've always spent alot of time like this..

 

[punkprincessmama]

We have coslept since birth, and bf too, dd is now 18mos. I would say just hang in there a little longer it does get better. DD has only just now began accepting daddy to comfort her in the last few months. She has also started sleeping much better, only waking about twice a night and only for a few minutes. For most of her first fifteen months she would wake within an hour of going down and require the whole shebang (laying down, nursing, mom sneaking away) to get back to sleep. This was endlessly frustrating for me becaue like your saying I desperately wanted some time with dh before I passed out (fell asleep). But then there was this magical change and now she is sleeping great and really bonding with dad. I think it's normal for kids to be ultra attatched to mom and have a hard time accepting comfort from dads - we are the main source of comfort and nourishment through our breast milk. We are their safe haven for forty weeks. Transistions take time, kwim? And now, looking back, those frustrating moments where I thought, gosh I wish dh could put her to sleep, I wish dh could comfort her so I could get away for five minutes, that time really did fly by. It's hard to believe it now, where you are, but it's true.

So I guess what I'm saying is you can try *something* No cry sleep solution, etc. or if you are lazy, like me (and in my defense I have a dh who works nights quite a bit so I just didn't think the NCSS would work well for us) you can do nothing, and either way things will eventualy get better.

My mothering mantra is "This too shall pass"

Sure hope this rambling post helps you out a bit! Stay true to your heart and all will work out

 

[Icequeen_in_ak]

OMG, for a moment I thought you were talking about my DH!!

Mine gets very frustrated (and hurt) that he can't comfort our DD. The only thing that comforts her is the breast.

I highly recommend the no cry sleep solution for trying to transition to the crib. It gives great advice on how to teach them other comfort measures and comforting themselves back to sleep, without a single tear shed.

I put the crib RIGHT next to our bed (like a co-sleeper) and we've made progress. She used to scream and tense up at the sight of the crib... and now she happily plays in there alone (I can be across the room, which sounds minimal, but it's a HUGE step forward to us) and she will sleep in there for a couple of hours at a time now.

It takes slow baby steps, but it will happen.

Just remind your DH that those babies that are sleeping through the night have probably been CIO'd to do that, and they have just given up. The parents may think they are ahead of the game now, but when the physcological damage arises later in life, they won't be singing their praises then. You on the other hand, will have a happy, healthy, well adjusted child