Mothering Forum banner
1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,237 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What is your relationship like with your father now? What did your father do with you when you were growing up?

For those with daughters- what does their father do with them?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,163 Posts
My father is the man who was married to my mother. As a child and as an adult the only relationship I Have ever had was through her.
A handful of times he did take me and my brother hiking. But most of the time there was little to no interaction. He worked nights so we didnt see him all week, and then on weekends we avoided him.

Now as an adult I still see him and we are kind and civil but we are basically like acquaintences.

My dh is a wonderful father to his kids and he plays with them a lot. Boys and girls alike. And he will take the oldest to the store and drive around with her and take her to a deserted parking lot and let her drive. That kind of thing, very casual. They sometimes go to see movies together that I dont want to see.
But I think my dd is much closer to my dh (her stepfather) than I ever was to my dad. And she didnt even meet him till she was 8.

Joline
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,949 Posts
I was definitely a bit of a Daddy's girl growing up. My dad worked very difficult hours (he was an anesthesiologist), but I still always remember him being around most of the time. My mom tells me that I was a late walker because he would never put me down! We had a lot of father-daughter rituals that I remember. For example, on Saturday mornings he would tape the Smurfs for me so that I could sleep in and then make me elaborate pancakes (Mickey Mouse heads with whiskers and noses, for instance) to eat while I watched. I remember him teaching me how to cook some simple things--oatmeal, eggs, etc. He used to take me fishing and to feed the ducks at a local pond. We got both of our family dogs together, just the two of us. He was also in charge of the tooth-fairying, and rather than give me money, he would often go out and get small toys and things. I come from a big family (five kids), although I'm the youngest by 6 years, but I really remember my dad taking a lot of time for me. I think he tried to have special activities that he did with each kid, so everyone got individual attention.

Now...I think my relationship with my dad is still good, but more distant. He runs his own office and his hours are crazy--often 12+ hours a day. Add that to the fact that he's 65...and, well, he's just really TIRED. I also think that in some ways my dad relates better to kids than to adult women because he's more of a doer than a talker (this may be in part b/c he has mild Asperger's syndrome--he can be in a room full of company and sit there reading a book).

ETA: I just thought of a really sweet memory. When I was pretty little, I asked Santa for a bike for the holidays (I'm Jewish, btw
). My dad got the bike, tied a bow around it, and left it in front of the fire place--then he got out a pair of shoes and made footprints in the soot. I don't think my eyes were ever wider--I REALLY believed that Santa had come.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,800 Posts
My dad had very little to do with the day-to-day interaction with his kids. He earned a good living, worked hard and came home. My mom died about 10 years ago, and dad remarried. He has a lot of interaction with his wife's kids, but not much with his own. He loves us in his own distant way, but we rarely see him.

My dh's father was much the same. Dh has a fabulous relationship with his daughters. We both work out of the home full time, but dh is a teacher and spends all the vacations with the girls. He does fun things with them on weekends--this weekend they are going camping with Y Guides. On the whole, I think he does a bit more of the child care than I do. If the kids are hurt, they are just as likely to call for dh as for me. That doesn't hurt me at all btw, I'm happy they are close.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,128 Posts
I was absolutely a Daddy's Girl. He worked very very hard for us and though he made some really bad choices, I know he did the best for me that he could. I remember him spending a lot of one on one time with me. He was the family cook (after working 12 hour days as a cement finisher, he'd come home and cook every night) and I spent as much time in the kitchen with him as I possibly could. I could talk to him about anything from mean teachers to mean kids to the boys I had crushes on.

When I left for college, I had some anger at him for a lot of things that he "Let" happen to me and it took me some time to work though it, but almost 10 years ago he and I sat down and talked about things and he offered up the most sincere apology I've ever recieved. The anger ended that night. From then on, we were closer than ever. After the birth of DS, who was his only grandchild, we got even closer still. We lived in seperate states, but we talked usually twice a week. He was the one person in my life I felt unconditionally loved and supported by. It's wasn't and still isn't uncommon for months to go by without talking to my mother. My dad died almost 2 years ago, but even still I consider myself a Daddy's girl.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,764 Posts
interesting thread idea.
my dad was in the secret service when i was growing up, and then later had some other ultra important job and therefore i didn't see him much. i remember as a very small child i was afraid of him. then when i got older i clung to him when he was home, not traveling. we had good times. i know he loved me! he missed so many of my birthdays, though.

we are in a weird place with our relationship now. i can tell both of us wants to be closer, but there is some sort of invisible wall. i am just like him. and he is great with the kids...

i made a decision when we had our first that i would never let my husband be absent the way my father was. and he hasn't. dh and dd have a great relationship. they go on a lot of dates, he helps her practice her piano, on the weekends when he has to work he sometimes takes her (and ends up getting no work done, but oh well! lol)

ok, so i've lost my train of thought! kids!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,719 Posts
I was a tomboy and my dad's "right hand man" until I was about 10. My parents divorced and my dad remarried someone with 2 daughters and left us to the wayside.


Every once in awhile, his mortality will bite him in the butt and he'll try to reestablish a relationship with me, but then something else will become center-stage in his life and we go to the wayside again, so I've just given up.

My DD is totally Daddy's girl. She manipulates him though, so I'm always the bad guy around here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,219 Posts
My dad worked long hours as a pediatrician when I was a kid. But we did do things together. When I was little he took me hiking and to classical music concerts, and he used to get out his guitar in the evenings sometimes and sing folk songs and children's songs. When I was older, we sang in various choirs together - that was "our special thing." We had a bunch of conflicts when I was a teenager and young adult, and singing was the only thing we could agree on or share for a long time.

Now we have a good relationship. When I visit, we go on long walks with the dog and talk about politics, religion, science, books. He reads my weblog and makes suggestions about what I should cover next. He's sometimes kind of dogmatic, too convinced that he's right, but he's mellowing with age.

My daughter's papa spends tons of time with her. He's reworked his work schedule so that he's home with her all day on Thursdays, while I work. He gives her her bath most nights. He gets up with her on Sunday mornings so that I can sleep in. He bought his own sling to wear her in because he didn't like my Maya Wrap. He loves to talk about the "excursions" he's going to take her on when she's a little bigger, and all of the things he wants to teach her. It's beautiful to watch her face when he comes downstairs in the morning, or when he walks in the door after work. She just lights up from ear to ear.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,484 Posts
My dad and I bicker and always have. He picks at me, but it doesn't bother me to push right back at all. He was a very unconditional parent. He would accept what I had to say if I put up a good enough argument. We are what I would consider close. We talk weekly and he was always very interested in my life. He didn't ever work too much, so his contribution was not monetary at all (he married my step-mother when I was 3, he and my mother were never married and didn't last very long after I was born). I did split my time between my two parents, so all four of my parents were active in my life. They were all very involved and friendly with me. Though I feel closer emotionally to my mom, I have told my father things that I never told my mom just because he was not ever judgmental. Somehow he manages to disagree with things I say or do without making me feel like he doesn't like or appreciate who I am. I think it's just his method of communicating with people in general. He's very opinionated, but non-threatening at the same time. It's worked out well. I don't have any daugthers.

How's that for a brain spasm on all my thoughts on my father?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,952 Posts
My dad and I are indifferent to each other, for lack of a better word. He has always worked alot, when he actually was around, his needs came first. Our weekends were spent riding in the ski boat while he skiied. Our vacations were trailing behind him on not family friendly activites, his family was never #1 in his life. He never seemed to know what to do with my sister and myself. To this day, I don't know my father, we've never had deep and meaningful conservations, or really any conservation other then chit chat. We live 3 miles from my parents, we spent a lot of time with them, but I would not say that I am close to my father, half the time I feel like I barely know him. DH knows more about my father then I do, he'll open up and talk to DH but not me.

DH loves dd with everything he has. He is an excellent father, he would spoil his little girl rotten if I let him.
Their relationship is going to be nothing like mine and my father's.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,832 Posts
My dad raised me, mom left us when I was 7. My dad had multiple sclerosis, and was 50 when I was born. He did his best in helping and encouraging me to pursue my interests. When I was a teen ager he would drive me to the stable 3 days a week, and sit in the car for up to 3 hours while I rode my horse. He always told me that if I ever got in trouble while I was out, to call him, no matter the hour, and he would come get me, no questions asked. Dad also mentored many teens and when he wasnt able to get around much did volunteer work over the phone....even while he was dying of cancer and every move was agony, he still did his volunteer work. My dad was and is my hero. He had a heart of gold. He would strike up conversation with any stranger and give them a smile and some sort of encouragement, within 5 minutes most people would be pouring their hearts out to him. When I met dh my dad befriended him and taught him life lessons that have served him very well....and because of dad my dh is now in sales (like dad was) and is using what my dad taught him. What is funny is my dh will actually make the same jokes dad used to, and it always catches me off guard...its very weird! Sorry for getting all sentimental....Nov 2nd was when my dad got very sick and was diagnosed with cancer a few days later...he died Dec 14th 1998. Just a few weeks after his diagnosis. I really miss him.

As for dh with our dd? He adores her and wants to be the kind of father my dad was to me with her...course I will still be around unlike my mother. My dh is an amazing father and he really takes having a deep relationship with his dc as a top priority.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,496 Posts
My dad is pretty cold and bitter - an engineer and more of a things/machines than a people person. Perhaps he has Aspergers.

We are not close now, b/c I think he feels really judged by people/adults, but he is surprisingly good with children!

I remember climbing into his lap after dinner when tasters choice coffee (instant) would be served to him and mom. And I would get this little orange juice glass (formerly a jelly jar). And I would get 1 spoonful of coffee for every year old I was (I'm talking 2, 3 or 4) and then the remainder filled up with milk. To this day, I love the taste of coffee and feel very soothed by it. I think part of me remembers that ritual on an instinctual level.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
753 Posts
Alana sorry about your dad. Thanks for sharing your story.

During my early childhood my this is always out of the country working. And by the time he stop working abroad he spend most of his time with us. He is our provider and takes good care of us.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,897 Posts
Recently, my dad and I were talking and he apologized for not being around as much as he could have when I was younger....I was stunned, because I don't ever remember feeling like he wasn't around enough for me, and we have a wonderful relationship...I guess he used to work a weekend or two a month traveling, but apparently he made up for it when he was home, because I really didn't internalize him not being around for me!

My dad is the kind of man that any woman would be proud to call a husband and father to her children. He's warm, loving, fun, funny, considerate...I remember many, many rituals and special things we used to do together...

He used to towel dry my hair every day after my bath or shower; I'd stand in front of him and he'd "buff" my head, and I loved it! I remember about 5 years ago when I was visiting them, I sat down in front of him and had him do it again, just for old times' sake, and we both nearly cried


Every St. Patrick's Day, we would go out to dinner together (his heritage is Irish) without my mom (she's Italian), and then end the outing with a McDonald's Shamrock Shake...even though we don't get to have dinner together anymore, we both still have that Shamrock shake and call each other that day...

Those are just two of my favorite memories. We went fishing, played catch, he was a devoted fan to my dancing and signing throughout my school years, and will be there in a heartbeat for me, whatever I need. We talka couple times a week (I talk daily with my mom, and call dad at work a couple times a week).

I guess my relationship with my dad is about as good as it gets, and I feel truly blessed...I'm almost in tears right now thinking about it!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,198 Posts
Does anyone else have a father that had a different version of his parenting? My dad and I are close now and we have a good relationship, but he beat the hell out of me as a kid and somehow HE doesn't remember that. He has said several times when I bring up gentle discipline within his earshot, "I was a gentle father... I never hit my kids even to smack their hands away." I'm like
: How can he not remember the time he took my pants down and whipped me with his belt in front of our house????? I couldn't sit down for the rest of the day. I love him to bits now and obviously I've forgiven him, but we also obviously have very different versions of my childhood.

Anyway... Dh is a great father, but he could never be a SAHD. His patience wears way too thin, too quickly. He has this stern way of talking to dd that sounds almost mean to me, but since I can't understand him (we use OPOL and he speaks one of his native languages with dd), I just don't know. He loves on her and plays with her and reads to her, but if she gets too rowdy, he calls her up on it. SHe thinks the sun rises and sets with his coming and going. She adores him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,949 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellien C
My dad is pretty cold and bitter - an engineer and more of a things/machines than a people person. Perhaps he has Aspergers.
Asperger's is not about being "cold and bitter" (my dad is quite warm and loving, actually) or just not being a people person. It's a specific set of behaviors that are on the "low" end of the autism spectrum.

Quote:
Individuals with AS can exhibit a variety of characteristics and the disorder can range from mild to severe. Persons with AS show marked deficiencies in social skills, have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness. They often have obsessive routines and may be preoccupied with a particular subject of interest. They have a great deal of difficulty reading nonverbal cues (body language) and very often the individual with AS has difficulty determining proper body space. Often overly sensitive to sounds, tastes, smells, and sights, the person with AS may prefer soft clothing, certain foods, and be bothered by sounds or lights no one else seems to hear or see. It's important to remember that the person with AS perceives the world very differently.

By definition, those with AS have a normal IQ and many individuals (although not all), exhibit exceptional skill or talent in a specific area. Because of their high degree of functionality and their naiveté, those with AS are often viewed as eccentric or odd and can easily become victims of teasing and bullying. While language development seems, on the surface, normal, individuals with AS often have deficits in pragmatics and prosody. Vocabularies may be extraordinarily rich and some children sound like "little professors." However, persons with AS can be extremely literal and have difficulty using language in a social context.
http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,496 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by NYCVeg
Asperger's is not about being "cold and bitter" (my dad is quite warm and loving, actually) or just not being a people person. It's a specific set of behaviors that are on the "low" end of the autism spectrum.

http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/
yeah - you're right. Sorry, I shouldn't have put it that way. Thanks for the link. My nephew has "something" going on on the SID, or autism or aspergers spectrum. His own father has severe social anxiety and there's been some speculation about my dad - he has a lot of trouble in social situations. He is completely mystified by emotions, too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,567 Posts
My dad was very harsh growing up. Lots of yelling and hitting. He was very angry in general. He was taking medication for a while, we were told it was to control his temper. I remember being very afraid of him. I never knew what would set him off, so was always very cautious around him.

I also remember going for hikes in the woods on Sundays, going to Disney World, going on fishing trips. The fun times were really fun, but when I think back, it's the bad times that stand out.

Our relationship now is alright, but we're not close. I've told my sister that if my mother were to die first, I don't know if I would have much contact with him. We don't have much in common, and we are very different in our beliefs on just about everything. We did end up discussing gardening a lot this summer as he's an avid gardener and this year was my first garden. It's nice to have something to talk about with him (besides politics, which gets really nasty!) I always feel a little awkward talking to him for any length of time, and it often feels a little forced.
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top