Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
133 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My DH and I are having a disagreement about division of household chores. So let me ask you a few questions because I want to know if my expectations are unreasonable:<br><br>
Your wife/partner makes dinner. Do you A. Clear your plate into the trash and help wash the dishes or B. Leave everything on the table and expect your wife to clear your plate for you.<br><br>
You get a stomach bug. Not a bad one, but one of those 24-hour bugs that has you running to the bathroom at random intervals. Do you A. Clean up the toilet once you feel better or B. Leave your mess for your wife to clean up.<br><br>
I was told last night that both of these are my responsibility because DH is the breadwinner and takes care of "everything else" (which believe me, if you knew the details you would know is NOT true.)<br><br>
I'm sorry but even if he's the one working full time, I should not have to be cleaning up after him like a little kid. Am I unreasonable here?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
672 Posts
You might get better responses in SAHPs or Parents as Partners, although you might not be able to see Parents as Partners yet with your low post count/join date.<br><br>
This seems like you're mostly venting, which is understandable, but I guess I'll respond to your scenarios. Although my wife and I both have full time jobs, so it's not really analogous.<br><br>
My uneducated opinion about SAHP's is that you should work out some kind of agreement that splits the chores after the work day is done. If you can reasonably say that you worked as hard as he did while he was at work by being home with the kiddos then there should be a somewhat equitable division of "after work work".<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Lady Mayapple</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426916"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
Your wife/partner makes dinner. Do you A. Clear your plate into the trash and help wash the dishes or B. Leave everything on the table and expect your wife to clear your plate for you.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
My answer: neither. I am responsible for cleanup, but I do it on my own schedule, usually after DW and DD are asleep. Also, I'm "responsible" but it's loose. Some days if I'm sore or very tired it waits until the next morning or afternoon.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">You get a stomach bug. Not a bad one, but one of those 24-hour bugs that has you running to the bathroom at random intervals. Do you A. Clean up the toilet once you feel better or B. Leave your mess for your wife to clean up.</td>
</tr></table></div>
My wife does tend to do most of the bathroom cleaning, but if I made a horrid mess, I would tidy it up as soon as I could. Opinions probably vary on what defines a horrid mess.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
221 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Your wife/partner makes dinner. Do you A. Clear your plate into the trash and help wash the dishes or B. Leave everything on the table and expect your wife to clear your plate for you.</td>
</tr></table></div>
Since she usually cleans up when I make dinner I guess I'd clean up if she made dinner.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">You get a stomach bug. Not a bad one, but one of those 24-hour bugs that has you running to the bathroom at random intervals. Do you A. Clean up the toilet once you feel better or B. Leave your mess for your wife to clean up.</td>
</tr></table></div>
If the toilet is gross because of my discharges I clean it up. And I probably don't wait until I feel better ... I don't want to look at it next time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
133 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426976"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You might get better responses in SAHPs or Parents as Partners, although you might not be able to see Parents as Partners yet with your low post count/join date.<br><br>
This seems like you're mostly venting, which is understandable, but I guess I'll respond to your scenarios. Although my wife and I both have full time jobs, so it's not really analogous.<br><br>
My uneducated opinion about SAHP's is that you should work out some kind of agreement that splits the chores after the work day is done. If you can reasonably say that you worked as hard as he did while he was at work by being home with the kiddos then there should be a somewhat equitable division of "after work work".<br><br><br><br>
My answer: neither. I am responsible for cleanup, but I do it on my own schedule, usually after DW and DD are asleep. Also, I'm "responsible" but it's loose. Some days if I'm sore or very tired it waits until the next morning or afternoon.<br><br><br><br>
My wife does tend to do most of the bathroom cleaning, but if I made a horrid mess, I would tidy it up as soon as I could. Opinions probably vary on what defines a horrid mess.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Oh..sorry. I didn't know there was another forum for this kind of stuff.<br><br>
I do most of the dish-washing. There is no dishwashing machine here. We looked into getting one, but because the house is old (1940's) this would require tearing off the kitchen counter and raising it four inches in order to accomodate a dishwasher, and we can't afford the work. With five people in the house, I feel like I am going crazy doing everyone's dishes. I feel like if I make dinner, someone else should clean up because I clean up after breakfast and lunch when I am here.<br><br>
I always clean the bathroom, too. Our shower is a separate, tiled stall and it is a big pain in the butt to clean. I've never asked DH to clean it or anything else in the bathroom, and honestly I am the only one who has the time to do that. But the toilet I feel should be an equally divided chore. I just don't feel I should have to clean up someone else's crap, especially not when I still have one kid in diapers and have to help the older two wipe sometimes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
At the very least, I would take in the dishes. I'd do the dishes, but probably not right after teh meal is over. I hate doing dishes, but its not fair for one person to do it all.<br><br>
I'd clean up my own mess in the bathroom.<br><br>
When I was married we both worked, so I don't know if I'd think differently if my wife stayed at home. My mom worked, my sisteres worked. My dad and brothers in law all pitch in to some degree.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,538 Posts
Well, we tend to work together on all jobs, not say, you do the dinner, I'll tidy. Sometimes DW does the dinner and I talk to the kids or read MDC ;-) but I'm VERY -there- when a job needs doing.<br><br>
If one of us needs help, we ask. We have a philosophy of always co-operating, never pulling a face. We also are sensitive to each other's activitities.<br><br>
I do the jobs she finds hard, like reaching for a pot on the top shelf. This is not "my" job, but just makes the unit run more smoothly.<br><br>
I am more concerned about the unilateralist tone of "I do this so you (default) do that" rather than putting you in a position of being able to say "hey you look smashed, sit down and let me do that for you".<br><br>
And how you ask is important. Arms round my neck and kisses works 99.9%, bargaining and payback... never.<br>
I dunno, also could maybe he feels that you would just let him work hard and never step in to look after him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
221 Posts
I think people just tend to feel overwhelmed, there's only so many hours in a day. It's nine hours on the clock from the time I walk in to the time I go home, and sometimes I may need an extra 30 minutes or so to get things done. It's 45 minutes each way on my commute. If I buy groceries on my way home that can take up to another 45 minutes, especially considering I walk out of my way (but not much) to do so, and then making dinner (my job) takes at least an hour. I spend 1:1 time with my son for two or three hours while my partner takes a deserved break in her personal space. If you're counting we're up to almost 16 hours. Toss in sleep and it might not be surprising that my personal space is a filthy mess. Weekends we do together family things and do shopping excursions and such. Time to clean? Personal time? It does get overwhelming.<br><br>
If both partners feel this tension then things explode. Hopefully both sides can learn to appreciate the other's perspective. No one has it easy. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
I shall start by directly answering the questions you ask:<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Lady Mayapple</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426916"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Your wife/partner makes dinner. Do you A. Clear your plate into the trash and help wash the dishes or B. Leave everything on the table and expect your wife to clear your plate for you.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Either of us clears plates away, whoever happens to be free.<br>
Generally the person who did not cook will do all the washing up and tidying of the kitchen, leaving the person who cooked to have a break. Of course if the person who cooked sees that the other is a little tired, either after a hard day at work, a hard day parenting or just a little under the weather, then both of us would be willing and have on many occasions done both.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Lady Mayapple</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426916"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You get a stomach bug. Not a bad one, but one of those 24-hour bugs that has you running to the bathroom at random intervals. Do you A. Clean up the toilet once you feel better or B. Leave your mess for your wife to clean up.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Of course you clean up your own excreta and contamination of the tiolet. For several reasons, including; maintaining an infection free status of other family members, it is uncouth to expect anyone to clean up in such a situation after such an illness, to not do so has many social implications of power relationship in western society, etc.<br><br>
Now, let's look at your comments in a little more detail.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Lady Mayapple</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426916"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I was told last night that both of these are my responsibility because DH is the breadwinner and takes care of "everything else" (which believe me, if you knew the details you would know is NOT true.)<br>
I'm sorry but even if he's the one working full time, I should not have to be cleaning up after him like a little kid. Am I unreasonable here?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
You don't mention what are the ages of your children, the amount of caring that your children require, or the type of work your partner does.<br>
These points I consider relevant. If for example you have two children who both attend school and a partner who undertakes heavy physical labour, then I suggest a greater amount of the household duties may fall to you rather than your partner. But even if that is the case, I would still suggest, not all, and that consideration should always be given to the sensibilities of the other (cleaning the toilet bowl for example). Once all household duties are the obligation of one party then there is a power imbalance verging on emotional abuse.<br><br>
Many studies have shown that male partners have the perception that they perform in excess of 50% of household duties, whether they work or not. When this is objectively itemised, males generally do about 10-40% of household duties (including working full-time).<br>
Males and females do not "see" necessary household duties in the same way. Studies have shown that males just don't see dirt and untidiness as females do. This then I suggest becomes a matter of achieving a high quality of communication between the partners. So each can understand where the other is coming from. Rather than gaining the erroneous perception that there is work avoidance going on.<br><br>
The situation you describe (admittedly solely from your perception) sounds to me like a mix of very out-dated ideas, circa 1950s. Could they have been adopted after seeing modelling from your partners parents? An attempt at either establishing or shifting power in the relationship. If so, consider what else may be going on to prompt such a tactic. Or a method to distance from the family unit to provide more personal time.<br><br>
Regards
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
495 Posts
Not a dad here, but felt I should say something regardless!<br><br>
He doesn't respect you if he demands you "do your share", ___ and ____, clean up after him. Truly, it does sound like something out of the horrid 1950's, when men routinely flipped dinner tables over if they didn't like what was served.<br><br>
Being a SAHM is THE HARDEST, most stressful thing I have ever done. I worked many, many out of the home jobs before having children and it was all I could do to avoid insanity staying home with three young children. Your DH clearly doesn't get that. Maybe HE should have some SAHD time for awhile, then have to clean up after YOU when you get home from work.<br><br>
I, too, am against the idea of ____ do this, ____ do that, designated chores. Blah!!! We do things TOGETHER a lot (a great opportunity to have quality time, and/or to demonstrate to your kids how to work together toward a common goal and have fun in the process). When we need to clean (and admittedly, we clean less than probably most couples because we value many things over having a spotless home), we crank up the music and EVERYONE gets involved - including the kids! Our kids actually get excited about cleaning now. When it's time to make dinner, very often DH makes the main course (he's the better cook and enjoys cooking more than I) and I make the sides and get the table ready/gather produce from the garden/put a load of laundry in... whatever needs done, while he prepares it. After dinner, very often, we let the dishes sit until after the kids are in bed or the next morning. Sometimes we get them done right away together, or DH reads books to the kids while I do the dishes. After the kids are in bed, that is OUR time together and very rarely do we clean/do chores during that time. We value and look forward to that time a LOT. Sometimes DH is not able to be home during that time because he works until 1am a couple times a week. If that's the case, I can make up for any previously-neglected housework during that time, or just have alone time for myself, exercise, or all of the above.<br><br>
It sounds like maybe you and your DH need to rediscover real communication, or be more empathetic to each others' perspectives. Little things like this often lead to resent, and resent is the #1 indicator of a divorce outcome. Nip it in the bud while you can! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
If your DH is flat out unwilling to communicate with you, is angry or hostile, or refuses to stop the expectations, I would maybe consider trying to get him to marriage counseling with you. Or it could be that he is really stressed about something and is off balance lately. Talk it over and see where you stand.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Sounds as if deeper issues are at hand.<br><br>
I grew up in a strong, the man is the man, is the man-is the man household. My wife could not have come from a more opposite environment if she tried. Her mom was the alpha and by god there was no changing that. We both verbalized our dislike of the extremes in our upbringing but quickly, after marriage, took to exactly what we knew.<br><br>
It was clash of the titans-cubed. I would purposely leave stuff out to "teach her" that it was her job and she would intentionally attempt to put her foot down in areas she knew were unnecessary. We both were young and complete jerks. I can, without any hesitation, tell you it was love that kept us together because we did every single thing we could to drive each other away. It simply didn't work.<br><br>
It's not a Man V. Woman thing in the case of SAH parents in my opinion (and my wifes). If you are stay at home, part of what is considered normal parenting or "spousing" does inevitably fall under the SAH parents "job description". The danger is the working parent/spouse ASSuming that it ALL falls under that descriptor.<br><br>
Working with a 100% scale for ease sake, let's say that you both work. Ideally the work should be split, without discussion 50/50. This ratio doesn't have to happen every second of every day but the cumulative work load should be as evenly split as humanly possible. That doesn't mean, however, that all cooking should be split 50/50 unless you are willing to climb under the car and change the oil 50% of the time. It's simplistically complicated that way. This mathematical phenomenon of fractional work load sharing is referred to as: Marriage. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
Now, if you are a SAH parent, perhaps, of the 100% work load that needs to be done in daily basis, should be weighted in your corner at a 60/40 or 70/30. It should never be ASSumed by the working parent that 100% of the household duties are the SAH parent/spouse though. You simply can not completely compare parenting/spouse/household work with civilian employment.<br><br>
Just a perspective.<br><br>
Our arrangement: She doesn't change the oil, she doesn't mow the grass, she doesn't wash the cars etc. She will however help in these areas when needed and to whatever degree I need her to including up too, actually doing the entire task. However, it is not considered her "responsibility"<br><br>
I do not do laundry, I do not cook the majority of the time, I do not wash windows or clean bathrooms. However, I will help in these areas when needed and to whatever degree is necessarily including up to actually doing the entire task.<br><br>
I sometimes cook, I'll put away clean laundry occasionally, I'll put the dishes away etc just as she will empty the trash out of the car so I can clean it, pick up my oil changing supplies at the store while she's out, etc.<br><br>
The point being, there is nothing that is completely off limits for either of us. Never do we say "I'm NOT doing that, it's your job!" We have some expectations to meet simply because it's the norm. Not because it's considered "our" duty.<br><br>
We have 2 young children. We both work. Our schedules work out that we never work at the same. One of us 99% of the time is with our kids.<br><br>
I'll say one last thing about marriage in general: Ignore singular instances of less than desirable behavior or trait manifestations. Only concern yourself when you see a habit forming. This perfectionist mentality that people have and push on each other is disingenuous and damning to ANY relationship, let alone something as complicated as marriage. If your spouse comes home and abnormally bites your head for something seemingly simple, it is purely selfish to place your "hurt" feelings over what is causing this behavior in your spouse. I know my wife is strong, sweet and a terrific partner. If she comes home and is acting like anything but that, it's abnormal and I'm truly concerned about the underlying issues that are causing this temporary behavior. It would be selfish of me to stomp my feet and espouse my displeasure with her behavior as the main point of our impending conversation. Nitpicking/nagging, whatever you want to call it, is such a HUGE contributing factor to an unhappy marriage. You become anxious and apprehensive about even the smallest things because you simply want to avoid the nagging/nitpicking carousel.<br><br>
If you see a habit forming however, be emphatically vocal and handle it quickly and honestly.<br><br>
Just some things we've learned in our marriage. Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
640 Posts
In our household, no matter who does the cooking, more often than not my DW would clear away the dishes and clean up the kitchen. Sometimes I will do it, but she definitely does it more often.<br>
She also does more of the day to day tidying of the home.<br><br>
I tend to do more of the cleaning of the home. I do the laundry, wash the floors, scrub the bathroom, flip the mattresses, etc.<br><br>
We both do the cooking. There are some weeks/phases where one of us does more of the cooking. There are also times when I do some of the day to day tidying.<br><br>
We go with our strengths and needs.<br>
My DW is really good at being tidy. She likes the house that way. I do not care too much about whether things are tidy or not (although I do admit it is nice when it's done). But I do like things to be clean under the untidiness. So because of that I do the deep cleaning and scrubbing and such. My wife doesn't seem to register whether things are truly clean or not because they look clean when everything is tidy.<br><br>
This works for us because it is good with both of us. There isn't one of us that is unhappy with the situation or building any resentment of the other partner. Sometimes we are tired and the other person steps in and does the task the other would normally do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
133 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
So much to go through here! Thank you for your replies.<br><br>
For the time being, I am mostly a SAHM. My children are almost 5, almost 4, and 2.<br><br>
My time growing up was split between my mom and my dad and stepmom. Dad and stepmom were my model and continue to be my model for a working, healthy marriage. Some people say that we marry people who are like our parents. In my case, I regret that I didn't marry someone more like my dad. He used to restore antique cars, still fixes his own car, changes the oil, whatever. He can fix or build anything and wouldn't DREAM of expecting my stepmom to take care of that stuff. My stepmom was a SAHM until we got older, very organized, tidy house, a domestic diva that makes Martha Stewart look like a pig. She was able to be this way partly because that's just who she is, but also because my father gave her the time and the resources to devote to the household. They always worked together and did things for each other. Whenever my stepmom was making dinner and getting it on the table, my dad, and the rest of us!, would tell her to take a break and sit down, we can get our own drinks, etc...A few years ago my dad lost his job and their roles were reversed. My stepmom trained for a new job and my dad stayed home to take care of the house. My dad made a fantastic "house-husband", but this was no surprise given all the years he had to learn his skills from stepmom.<br><br>
Contrast with my situation:<br><br>
I feel like I am literally performing both roles. How many men out there have a wife that takes care of the lawn-and not just mowing, I do mowing, trimming, pruning, planting, everything and anything that is involved with the yard I do it. If I knew how to change the oil in our car, I'd probably be doing that too.<br>
I made dinner last night, as I do most nights. Yesterday was a mowing day, and it was hot. I'd also injured myself rather badly trying to fix our old weed trimmer and was just all-around tired. The plates from dinner last night are still sitting on the table.<br>
How much is one person expected to do exactly? I cook the meals, I clean the house, I do the yardwork, I make the phone calls. My DH does not have a particularly physical job. He's not in a labored job like construction or a mechanic. My father worked for 16 years at Chrysler as a machine repairman, a dangerous and difficult job-he saw two men die doing the exact same thing he did every day. He never complained, and he was never too tired to come home and throw in a load of laundry or clean the dishes after dinner.<br>
I don't want to do everything, and I shouldn't have to do everything. I am just fine doing the "women's work", if that was the only work I had to do, but its not. I am both the woman AND the "man" of the house, and quite frankly I am sick of that. I don't have a problem with "traditional" gender roles, in fact I think they work well when both parties follow them. Forgive me for sounding old fashioned, but I sure wish my DH would "man up"....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
133 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Juliet's Dad</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15463954"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Of course you clean up your own excreta and contamination of the tiolet. For several reasons, including; maintaining an infection free status of other family members, it is uncouth to expect anyone to clean up in such a situation after such an illness, to not do so has many social implications of power relationship in western society, etc.<br><br>
Now, let's look at your comments in a little more detail.<br><br><br><br>
You don't mention what are the ages of your children, the amount of caring that your children require, or the type of work your partner does.<br>
These points I consider relevant. If for example you have two children who both attend school and a partner who undertakes heavy physical labour, then I suggest a greater amount of the household duties may fall to you rather than your partner. But even if that is the case, I would still suggest, not all, and that consideration should always be given to the sensibilities of the other (cleaning the toilet bowl for example). <b>Once all household duties are the obligation of one party then there is a power imbalance verging on emotional abuse.</b><br><br><br><br>
Regards</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
There have been issues of physical and emotional abuse on both sides of our marriage for a long time. I have mentioned couples counseling, but I ended up being the only one who went to any sessions. I have considered suggesting it again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,538 Posts
well for starters, let the grass grow!<br><br>
and buy a really cute pygora goat for the kids!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Lady Mayapple</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15532815"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">... but I ended up being the only one who went to any sessions. I have considered suggesting it again.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Why would he go? As you describe, he clearly has no investment in balancing the relationship - he has all the benefits.<br><br>
If, as you describe your relationship has decayed to the point of mutual emotional abuse and he does not wish to address what you consider an inequitable situation, your counselling may in fact be better aimed at safe and effective extraction from the relationship. One of the major risks is that you are both modelling this behaviour to your off-spring, and therefore potentially condemning your children to the same experiences in the future.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
133 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
Well, I made an appointment to see a marriage counselor. Oddly enough DH says its a "good idea" and he thinks it will benefit our relationship, and that he doesn't want me to be upset with him anymore. It will take a lot of work to undo seven years of this nonsense, but in the meantime someone has suddenly taken a new interest in cleaning up after himself. Perhaps my original question should have been, Dads, can you help me figure out why the woman has to have one foot out the door before the man wakes up to reality? Ah well... Thanks again guys <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
961 Posts
Mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, changing the oil, washing the car does not routinely even come close to the daily chores needed to be done in the house.<br>
This outside/inside paradigm always favors the outside partner.<br><br>
It is a sore spot for my family...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
221 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Perhaps my original question should have been, Dads, can you help me figure out why the woman has to have one foot out the door before the man wakes up to reality?</td>
</tr></table></div>
Each two persons, man or woman, has two different realities. This statement itself reflects yours but it's doubtful it reflects his. There's very seldom an absolute right side and wrong side in any relationship difficulty.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
133 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Just a little update. We had our first appointment. I'm not sure about the counselor, who wasn't available for another session until mid-August, as he was taking a 3 week vacation...I think we need someone a little more dedicated than that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br><br>
In the meantime, things have happily improved. DH actually confessed to the counselor that he has been "privileged" (his choice of word!) not to have to worry about cleaning up after himself for most of his life, and for most of this marriage, and that he now realizes that isn't right. Guess who's helping me clean up after dinner now? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,894 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Lady Mayapple</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15613981"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Just a little update. We had our first appointment. I'm not sure about the counselor, who wasn't available for another session until mid-August, as he was taking a 3 week vacation...I think we need someone a little more dedicated than that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br><br>
In the meantime, things have happily improved. DH actually confessed to the counselor that he has been "privileged" (his choice of word!) not to have to worry about cleaning up after himself for most of his life, and for most of this marriage, and that he now realizes that isn't right. Guess who's helping me clean up after dinner now? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Yeahh!!!! It's definitely a good start. Now to find the right counselor!
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Top