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Dang it. I think I spoke too soon.

837 Views 20 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  freewitheft
I just got a call from ex's sister. She said that she had just talked to ex, who asked her to call me and ask me if he could see Owen on Easter
I have no problem with him seeing Owen on Easter (or any other day) but get some freaking balls and call me up yourself! She told him no, she wouldn't ask me, but he claims he's "afraid" of me because I'm "always angry" with him. Which I find hilarious because I have NEVER been anything but friendly toward him (even when he's pissed me off so much I want him hunt him down in a dark alley and *accidently* step on the gas
). He's expecting me to be hostile so that's what he sees. Anyway, his sister then asked if I would bring Owen over sometime this weekend because his Grandma wants to see him and give him a basket and have a little egg hunt. Fine and dandy, we decided on Saturday afternoon. I have a feeling ex's sister is going to tell ex and he's going to take the easy route and show up without calling me to set up his own time (which is exactly what he did with Christmas)

Whatever. Be the bigger person. Be the bigger person. Be the bigger person. Be the bigger person. Maybe if I keep repeating it, it'll come true
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What a bunch of crap. I feel bad that you are going through this. I hope you can still enjoy your weekend though.
Wow, I can't believe he didn't even call for himself. How childish. But hopefully he is realizing what a big mistake he has made and will become a better dad.
I applaud you for being easy going, but I would not let him off the hook. I would tell his sister that he has to call you directly to see Owen. I am sure you are right at that your X will show up at his mom's house during your visit, but I would cut out the middle man, so to speak. My XH hasn't seen my DS since last Spring. He called last week to request visitation and I was very reluctant.

So, I called the FOC counselor. She advised me not to allow the visitation, because it has been about 9 months. He has supervised PT, and she suggested that he should file a motion in court to set up a visitation schedule, that way if he is serious about having a relationship, then he would take necessary steps. I shared this info with my XH, and he dropped the subject. In the same breath, he told me is is taking me to court to have the divorce judgment set aside. It is very difficult to do this, but he is now claiming he was too depressed to know what he was doing. Sorry, enough about me. I really think he needs to commit to seeing Owen on a reg basis, or stay away, but that is JMHO.

Good luck!!
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You've been the bigger person through all of this and Owen's such a lucky boy!

When you say how your ex portrays you as angry, he's totally projecting either how he thinks you should feel or fears that you feel. Good for you for not falling for it! And I agree with the pp, it's not really fair to OWEN to do it this way, and he should have Owen's interests in mind, not just his own. Is there any way you can convey that or protect Owen from the surprise?

Good luck with it all, and keep up your spirits!
whew!!! i felt the cold dread come upon me when i read ur title. i thought oh no perhaps something to do with the lawyers and that you dont really have the upperhand that you thought u did. whew!! glad to know it wasnt that.

well i hope everything goes well. you ARE being the bigger person because you are writing you are not going to go. wouldnt it be great if u could act indifferent! instead of any other reaction.

Originally Posted by Jster
When you say how your ex portrays you as angry, he's totally projecting either how he thinks you should feel or fears that you feel.
I agree, your ex knows he's been an a$$ and expects that you'll act a certain way. Good for you for protecting Owen from the wishy-washyness of your ex. I don't know what I'd do in your situation (with the grandparents) but good for you for taking the high road in this. You're doing a great job, mama!!
Thanks. I totally agree that it's not really fair to Owen to do it this way. Taking into consideration his reaction to seeing his dad at Christmas (unexpectedly, though I had an inkling he was going to show up I didn't tell Owen in case he didn't show) I think I'm going to go ahead and take Owen over there anyway. He didn't really seem fazed when his dad walked in the room at Christmas, so I expect much the same if he does now (he clung to me for about 20 minutes while staring at his dad, but then he was up and kicking balls at his dad). At this point I don't even know if he knows that his dad is *his dad*, or even what *dad* means (he doesn't say dad, so he has never referred to his dad as such). Owen treats him like just another person that we see every once in a while. Like that Uncle that you are friendly to when you see him once or twice a year because he sometimes brings you a cool gift, but don't give much thought to the rest of the year. I will make sure that I stay close-by to Owen so I can keep ex from sneaking up on him.
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Well, it appears we won't be seeing him this weekend afterall
It turns out that ex had expected CA (his sister) to set up a time for him to see Owen on Sunday, not Saturday (even though CA told him she was not going to set up a time for HIM to see Owen, she was setting up a time for HER to see Owen). Since Saturday worked better for me, CA, and Owen's Grandma then we did it today. I know CA told him when I would be there today, but he was pissed because it was "too early" so he didn't show up (9:30-11). I told them I'd bring Owen back for a minute some time tomorrow (they want to see his outfit) but I doubt ex will be there (unless I happen to show up when he's there, but I doubt he'll be there all day waiting for Owen).

I don't know whether to be pissed off that he can't put in a tiny bit of effort to see Owen, whether to be relieved that I don't have to see/deal with him, or whether to be sad for Owen who won't get to see his dad
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I know just how you feel, Steph. Mostly, I feel relieved when I don't have to deal with my X. At this point, your X isn't in the right place to do anything for Owen. So, it is better that he stays away. It just seems like he just wants to look good to his family. It is sad!!
Well, Owen did end up seeing his dad today and I am disgusted by what happened.

I took Owen over there to see his Grandma (she wanted a pic of him in his Easter outfit). We got there and ex's car was in the driveway. So O's Grandma came down to the play area and was playing with Owen for a little while. About 1/2 hour later ex came down and sat around for a few minutes (he did catch a ball that Owen threw at him then set it on the floor and told Owen to "be careful"
He wanted to play catch you dork!). A few minutes later ex got up and told his mom he was going to get his dog to show Owen. Owen does NOT like dogs (he's just now getting over a fear of dogs after he was bit about a year ago by one). After ex left the room his mom said to me "Do not let him bring the dog near Owen- he's been biting everything and everyone lately". So ex brings him in (it's a pitbull puppy) and tries to put him right in Owen's face (I put myself between them so he couldn't get too close). Owen jumps up as soon as he sees the dog coming and jumps onto the bed and covers himself
Ex put the dog on the other side of the gate so he started wimpering/barking. Ex turned to his mom and said he needed to take the puppy home to feed him. She (who was sitting on one side of Owen) asked if he had any days off work this week. Ex said tomorrow. Not getting her hint she said something like "wouldn't you like to see Owen tomorrow?". He just repeated that he had to go bring the puppy home to eat. Not letting him get off so easily she said "Why don't you set up a time with Stephanie so that you can spend some time with Owen tomorrow?". He turned around and walked out! Didn't say goodbye to Owen, no hug, kiss, nothing.
(As his dad was walking out Owen was waving goodbye (not sure if he was waving to his dad or the dog) but ex never even turned around or waved or anything
). Giving him the benefit of the doubt I thought that maybe he was waiting outside to talk to me without his mom around (he knew I was getting ready to leave with Owen). So I packed up Owen and went outside- and he was already gone.

I don't know why I'm so shocked. I guess a part of me wanted to believe his mom and sister when they kept telling me he really wanted to start his visits again but he was afraid to call me because I was going to be "mean" to him
I made it a point to be nothing but friendly and happy with him today so he had no freaking reason to not ask for some time with Owen tomorrow. And to freaking diss Owen right to his face- that pisses me off more than anything
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steph. I was coming over to see how your day went & I'm sorry Owen's dad is such a
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OMG!!! Steph, that's absolutely disgusting. I would totally keep a record of the whole thing...and gosh, at this point I'd just want to protect Owen from having to be disappointed by such a creep!! What a jerk!! Gotta feed his dog, but no time for his kid?!?!? WTF???

I'm sure you handled yourself so well, and Owen is just such a lucky little boy, so lucky to have you, and so lucky NOT to have that jerk-off in his life. (okay, probably should have censored, but I'm actually being more polite than I could be...)


I hope that, at the very least, you can get some peace and sanity from the feeling of vindication. I know when my ex is an idiot and jerk, like when he married his mistress, it at least felt so wonderful to not feel like I was crazy but to have his actions so obvious. Though it's sad this comes at the expense of our children having decent fathers, it makes it easier for us to protect them from the lame-o's we mistakenly chose for them.

coming your way!!
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Oh, Stephanie... how very upsetting. Will be sending you and Owen many good thoughts.
I'm sorry Steph, that is awful. It sounds like you are being really mature about everything, It must be really hard to be the better person in a situation like that. I agree that Owen is lucky to have you as a mom.

Originally Posted by StephandOwen
I don't know whether to be pissed off that he can't put in a tiny bit of effort to see Owen, whether to be relieved that I don't have to see/deal with him, or whether to be sad for Owen who won't get to see his dad

I wondered how your day went Steph. I'm so sorry it wasn't good.
Your statement above describes how I feel everyday. I look at dd
and she is just so amazing to me. Her vocabulary is really taking off
she is using all these really adult words and I think to myself about ex
and his flair for words. How he is missing out on this child who is just
so much like him and he is missing out on her, and she is missing out
on him.

I watched dd crawling all over my Father today. Kissing him and laying
her head on his shoulder. I am lucky (as is dd) to know my dd is getting
love from a "father" but it's bitter sweet knowing that she will get it soon
that she has a father who chooses not to be a part of her life.

I know I feel better not having to deal with him and his attitudes toward
me. But then on the other hand I would gladly take it if I knew he would
be a bright spot in dd's life. It's hard to wrap the mind around.

Your in my thoughts, my prayers, and you know you did the best
so just be happy with that.
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He is really selfish and totally clueless. I would be so angry for Owen, but I would probably just leave it alone and not bring it up to him. It doesn't sound like he really wants or even understands how to be a father to Owen, and he just doesn't want to look like a total jerk to his family. Personally, I think that kind of contact with the "Dad" is more hurtful than anything and I would talk to his mom and sister about not scheduling visits when he will be around. It really is sad, but Owen has other reliable, stable and loving people in his life. What a jerk!!! Okay, I have to say, if you can't take care of your child then why get a dog. I am just sitting her shaking my head...
Thanks again ladies.

annarbor931- I had been thinking about that too last night- whether this kind of contact is more harmful to Owen than him not seeing his dad at all. Before I had thought that *any* contact with his dad would be good for him (at least he wouldn't forget who his dad is) but after yesterday, I don't think so. I know I can't make him do that every holiday for the next 16 years. I will talk to his mom and sister about it, but it really was not their fault yesterday because we hadn't really scheduled a visit. I had just told them I'd pop in when I could (because O's g-ma had said she would be home all day so I could come any time that was convenient for Owen and I). So it was really my fault and, I should have followed my gut, and not gone when I saw ex's car in the drive. I actually drove around the block twice after I first saw it trying to decide whether I should just keep driving or whether I should take Owen in. So I told Owen that he might see his dad and asked if he wanted to. He signed yes so we went.

His mom had made a really weird comment yesterday that I think I'm going to ask her to clarify. I hadn't asked at the time because ex had come back in the room. But she said "I apologize. CA told him you'd be here at 6. I don't know where she got that from but that's what she told matt". (CA is ex's sister). I think I showed up around 5:30 or something. I don't know if the comment meant that matt was planning on leaving before 6 so he didn't have to see Owen or what
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Hmmm...that is a strange comment. I am sure your perception is right on, though. Sounds like your X is avoiding you for some reason. I bet he knows that you know him and can see through his crap.

Your X's family sounds like me X's--they will see DS mostly if I come to see them. My X's family expects me to meet them places or bring DS to them for visits at their homes. The family has never been to our home at all in a year and a half. I am willing to do go to the grandparents, but I figure that the Aunt and her young children can make a bit more effort. I also have a rule that if I make plans with the grandma and X shows up, then we don't come in at all. I really don't like surprises. I also don't mention "Dad" at all, but my son has NO idea what a Dad is anyway.

Trust your instincts, Steph. You are doing the best for Owen.
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