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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,

Not sure if there is anyone in this forum from when I used to post here... I was a frequent commenter and poster many years ago. I am a solo parent and have been for over 8 years now. This community was so helpful and wonderful when I was coming out!

All of that being said, I am in such a different place than I was before. I was married to an abuser for 6 years, recovered somewhat, came out as lesbian later, had some dating experience, and have recently found real, deep love... and recently lost it. :crying: I am devastated and having a hard time coping. And it's tricky/complicated because although the woman I was with is no longer my girlfriend, and although she is moving across the country for a job tomorrow morning, the "door is open." We still love each other very much, but she was the one to call it off a few months ago... and she was the one who also proposed keeping the door open in the hopes that *maybe* we might return to each other in the future. I don't doubt her love for me, but I have no idea if she can regain the trust she needs to re-enter a relationship with me. I never thought I'd be able to agree to such a thing as keeping the door open. It's not even a long distance relationship, because we aren't in a relationship. And yet, I have agreed, because this is real and good (despite the circumstantial problems that contributed to our break up) and deep like nothing I have ever experienced before. I know that if I say goodbye it won't change how I feel. I don't want to date and could never date when I am as in love with her as I am. I also know that I am fine and will be fine on my own... so it's not about that. It's about the fact that life has less meaning without her in it. And so I am grieving at this move of hers, feeling that the chances are slim that we will get back together, and feeling the loss of her so acutely. I am in town where I don't know many people, and none very closely, (moved here for graduate school) and so I am somewhat isolated in my grief.

So, I am reaching out here because I am wondering what you all might recommend. What has helped you in the past when you have been heartbroken? I do have a counselor I see once a week and she's amazing, but I can't talk to her every day. Would love any ideas and/or commiseration anyone is willing to offer.
 

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I'm not fond of the whole, "the door is always open" approach. Not because it doesn't make sense or isn't a great way to envision a relationship possibly continuing in the future, but because it makes it difficult to move on and get some closure. It makes it even more difficult to allow oneself to truly grieve a loss and be open to new possibilities - especially if you are still in love with the other person. However, if you can open yourself up to the idea that there can be a number of loves in someone's life and that love is always different with someone else, perhaps you can allow yourself to keep the door open for other loves to come into your life as well. You don't know what the future holds for you so...
Until you feel ready to embark again, just try to do things that lift you up and make you feel better (after a little bit of grieving)- exercise, hobbies, interests,etc. - refocus on YOU and what you truly enjoy. Explore something new.
Allow some distance and time to pass between you and your recent love. That means taking a break from social media and even unfriending if necessary. It doesn't need to be permanent at all, but does allow for some space.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'm not fond of the whole, "the door is always open" approach. Not because it doesn't make sense or isn't a great way to envision a relationship possibly continuing in the future, but because it makes it difficult to move on and get some closure. It makes it even more difficult to allow oneself to truly grieve a loss and be open to new possibilities - especially if you are still in love with the other person. However, if you can open yourself up to the idea that there can be a number of loves in someone's life and that love is always different with someone else, perhaps you can allow yourself to keep the door open for other loves to come into your life as well. You don't know what the future holds for you so...
Until you feel ready to embark again, just try to do things that lift you up and make you feel better (after a little bit of grieving)- exercise, hobbies, interests,etc. - refocus on YOU and what you truly enjoy. Explore something new.
Allow some distance and time to pass between you and your recent love. That means taking a break from social media and even unfriending if necessary. It doesn't need to be permanent at all, but does allow for some space.
thanks so much for responding. I totally hear you on the closure piece... that's why i am surprised at myself, for agreeing to it. i guess on the other hand I would deeply regret losing her completely if I closed the door without knowing for sure if there was a real chance for us. i can't really wrap my head around the idea of having multiple loves... i have chosen so poorly in the past, and never really experienced real love before her. I am aware my words sound so cliche. But they feel true. Anyway, I know you are right, that I should focus on me. The difficulty has been that I feel the world is dulled. I don't really care what I do or don't do.
 
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