[mom2happy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Charlie's~Angel~

Ive made it three, count them, THREE MORNINGS IN A ROW now, getting the kids up, ready, and out the door, alllllll by myself, with absoultly, posativly NO YELLING. AND im pmsing. not sure how im pulling it off. Other then trying to stay in the right mindset as Im trudging forward. Im also trying to stay posative BEFORE i go in to handle a task (ie. picking them up from school or getting the little guy out of bed, these are all major productions because matthew doesnt want to do anything I say) Its like my posative vibes litterally filter down to them. amazing! lol

Now, evenings are a little more hectic, but I didnt do to bad. Wed is my class night, so I have to get them home, fed, cleaned up, and get out the door all in about an hour in a half. Doing that with matthew hanging off my rear end can get a bit frustrating.

I did get through bath night without raising my voice in anger ONCE. Sure, I had to raise it so they could HEAR ME OVER ALL THE SPLASHING, SCREAMING, AND FIGHTING. lol

For my efforts, my 2 yo has begun telling me "mama, I wuboo semuch!" without any warning or prompting. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Yay! Day three!

 

[BlueMonday]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mom2happy

Brooklyn mama,

I just want you to know that I understand what you are saying and don't see anything wrong with it for a lot of familes.

For me, when I react to the angry feeling I start to get, I feel shaky, upset, hot, fast heartbeat.............. it's just a TERRIBLE feeling. I also get VERY upset from other's yelling or looking aggressively. I find that when I stop and calm myself it avoids this escalation of physical crap that I can choose to go through or bypass.

In bypassing it, I don't mean bottling up (I don't think). I think I am able to process what really is going on and figure out if it's worthy of such a dramatic reaction.

Most of the time, no.

I do believe though, as mammal mamas, there ARE times for growling, but they are rare.

I am pretty good at recongnizing whats happening and have control over it, but every once in a while I BLOW and it's usually over chaos and kids acting crazy while I'm trying to do something important.

I know plenty of families that all yell at each other and it all blows right over. I really don't judge them- I know they love each other as much as we do- just think they are really loud! For us, we are all pretty sensitive (except DH- he doesnt think yelling is upsetting). In our family, nothing "blows over". The kids and I get very upset. I need them to follow my lead, to prevent them from yelling and screaming about everything too. I will lose my mind if this house if full of yelling people.

was it dr. karp who advocated literally growling at your toddler to express disapproval or boundaries? "mammal mamas" made me smile i definitely have a lot of mama bear in me!

point taken and thanks for clarifying between angry yelling and the more vehement communication i'm expressing. i'm sure it's a family-specific thing. it follows that i don't scare my kids when i yell because i'm not yelling to scare or wound them. interesting. and i thought they were just desensitized.

 

[Spring Lily]

Mind if I join a little late?

I've been trying to work on this, maybe being accountable here will help me. I've been also reading the Time Out for Parents book about dealing with anger. It's led to a few insights, but hasn't really helped me change. I finally realized that my problem isn't my anger, my problem is feeling burned out and exhausted all the time! Having no time to myself to recharge! I used to be an incredibly patient person, and now I feel like most of my reserves are used up just trying to make it through the day doign all the things I have to do.

I already snapped at DD2 this morning, I was cooking them a neverending breakfast--they kept asking for more and I spent 45 mins at the stove! They get impatient and all 3 start shouting and whining for more food. I keep telling them "I'm cooking it right now!" Then they start banging their silverware on the table. I tell them to stop. DD2 keeps doing it. I can't keep going in there because I'm trying to cook the #%@! food. Finally I just snapped and yelled at her not to bang anymore! I felt horrible, here it's not even 9am and I'm already shouting and upset. Not a good way to start the day.
Quote:

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

My worst time of day is bedtime (the kids' bedtime that is). I dunno... I seem to have run out of patience by then or something.

This is me, too. For awhile we had a routine, we eat dinner, the kids pick up some toys, stop listening, mommy gets frustrated and yells, everyone cries, we get pjs on and go to bed. Lovely memories I'm creating.

 

[peaceful_mama]

Another MAJOR yeller here. And it needs to stop. ALL of my kids are a bunch of very loud little people, and there are 3 who are verbal. The baby is still tiny and SO sweet--literally NEVER cries. He whimpers, I feed or change or whatever, he stops. I mean literally I can count probably the number of times he has full-out CRIED in his life.

I know the other ones are loud because *I* yell. And yet *I* yell because they're so freakin loud. Quite the cycle I've created.

The thing that got me to notice it though was to start taking control---I spent literally years sitting on my behind nursing somebody with the REMOTE right next to me....and SOMEHOW it never occured to me that I could *turn the TV off* instead of yelling at the kids.

So quite literally, I took (the) control and got their attention.

Now....if I could get through a morning without *losing it* with my 2 year old, I'd be set. (he's discovered that the great key to the mysteries of the world lies in his ablity to use stools and chairs and climbing...)

my other *favorite* times of day include 3:30 PM--when DS1 comes home from school--they ALL start fighting literally within 5 minutes, and within 10 I'm screaming too.

And bedtime, when I have to do it rather than taking the baby and letting DH handle the big ones. It's not the bath and all that, it's the actual part where they are supposed to get in bed and go to sleep.

 

[Spring Lily]

Check in time! How is everyone doing?

I'm on day 4, and I already feel better. DH made the comment to me last night that he noticed I've been in a much better mood lately. I think when I start yelling it is easy to keep doing it, which only means I'm venting at the kids. I've been trying to get a little exercise too, and asked DH to take over with the kids for awhile yesterday so I could have some time to myself.

And because I always get so frustrated when my 4 yo doesn't listen, I made an agreement with her. I said that I want to stop yelling so much, but that I need her help. So now when she's not listening and I feel the frustration rising and I want to yell, I take a deep breath and say "I need your help, I don't want to yell at you. I need you to listen." She has been really responsive to that, and does in fact turn around and listen to me. She doesn't want Angry Mommy to come out either.

 

[mom2happy]

Welp- I didn't get my chocolate bar on Saturday night. I made a really ugly UGLY face at DS and kind of talked through my teeth. Yuck- a snarling mom.

I was trying to get the baby down for a desperately needed nap and my back was killing me. He wouldn't stop yelling.

I forgave myself though, because I've been doing very well despite the challenges of being alone with 3 kids from wake up to bed time.

 

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I hear every word of this mama.

I failed last night. My three year old was in rare form. They are both usually off the wall, but from the time I picked them up yesterday, everything was falling on deaf ears. Not to mention they kept beating eachother up WHILE im trying to do something for myself, You know, like LAUNDRY, or COOKING DINNER FOR THEM, or pick up THEIR TOYS. ugh. And of course my husband called to see if I was ok with him Subbing for some one last night. Um, would it matter if I said NO? Prolly not. OH, and my 3 year old has discovered the art of talking back. YAY!

Im in a rut in my marriage right now, and its got that trickling effect going on. My kids being tazmanian devels does NOT HELP. They were both in time outs on more then one occassion last night, complete with me making "the face", and telling them to get in there through gritted teeth. Yup, snarling mom here too. I hate it. But I made sure, once we were all cleaned up and ready for bed, to tell them both how sorry i was, that mommy always loves them, even when shes mad.

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Quote:

Originally Posted by mom2happy

Welp- I didn't get my chocolate bar on Saturday night. I made a really ugly UGLY face at DS and kind of talked through my teeth. Yuck- a snarling mom.

I was trying to get the baby down for a desperately needed nap and my back was killing me. He wouldn't stop yelling.

I forgave myself though, because I've been doing very well despite the challenges of being alone with 3 kids from wake up to bed time.

 

[Mittsy]

I was doing great, until yesterday when we had to run errands and after the kids wanted to get ice cream and I agreed, well ice cream shop was closed and meltdowns ensued... first ds(4) but I managed to calm him down after a few mins, then dd(almost 6) started in about how she wanted food and to see her friends, I tried nvc but she was too far gone, we obviously were heading to the car at this point and she stopped and said she wanted to be carried, ok fine but then she starts kicking me and I explain how that hurts me and I can't hold onto her safely while she does that and it just continues...so I put her down and the meltdown increases in intensity, we finally get to the car and then it's mama's turn to meltdown. So we devoted the rest of the day afterwards to cuddles, stories, lots of apologies, and some tv.

I'm starting again today, wish me luck!

 

[MrsH]

Could I join in with this? I hadn't checked the board in a while so didn't see this thread, but it's just what I'm needing. I'm currently reading Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, which is really helpful. I just forget, in the moment, to use any of it and forget that my kids are little people too. It's awful. My kids are also all going through some new stages so I'm constantly finding myself at a complete loss as to what to do. Today it was my DS and DD2 (5 and 22m) fighting over his backpack. And I mean she was hanging on so tightly that as he pulled it, he dragged her over the floor and she still held on. Tenacious one! They were both screaming and crying in the school hallway and I was just at a loss as to what to do. Didn't yell, but definitely felt the anger as I pried fingers loose. Yuck.

 

[Spring Lily]

Still here, hanging on. The last few days have been challenging, the kids and I are sick. It's so hard to stay calm when you're sick, tired, or hungry.

I've found that I'm starting to get better at catching myself. Sometimes I can stop myself from yelling before I start (I can feel the anger rising) and other times I just flash out and raise my voice. I'm trying to be more aware of that, and when I hear my voice start getting loud, I pull it back down. It's been good, because it gets the kids' attention without turning into a screamfest. It does make me feel bad though that I react by yelling so immediately. I'm hoping over time that won't happen as much.

 

[MrsH]

I was just sick too, and yesterday was a rough day! The kids are so tired of mommy being sick (I had pneumonia and then on my 2nd day of really feeling well from that got a stomach bug!). So I kept thinking "what can we do? Where can we go to get them out of this house and into a better-feeling place?" So I talked with them about going to ride the trains, they were super excited, but then couldn't get their act together to get out of the house. Which felt so frustrating to me and I did yell a few times. In looking back, I'm realizing that those are really the moments I get the most angry: when I've spent a significant amount of thought (and worry!) trying to come up with a plan to help them cope, to help them feel better, and then they make the plan so difficult! But of course those are also teh times that they are functioning at their lower end of their spectrum so it makes perfect sense. Maybe next time I can prepare myself better for that so it doesn't end up being a yell fest. How are others doing? I've really enjoyed reading this thread so far.

 

[MrsH]

How's everybody doing? I'm realizing that I can not yell for a little while (like a few days, max), but then my frustrations build up and I yell. The solution must be to somehow find other outlets for the frustrations, but I don't think I know how to do that yet! For example, today after church I asked DS to bring his jacket in from the car to the house. Actually, his jacket was there and also a vest that he'd left in the car the day before, so I asked him which one he'd like to bring in. He refused. I didn't yell but left both jackets in the driveway and walked away, not the most mature response though perhaps better than screaming at him? He ended up screaming in the driveway so DH went to go get him, and then CARRIED BOTH JACKETS INSIDE! I see where he's coming from I guess, but really... it's a jacket! I don't want to have my arms completely full with everybody else's stuff all the time, I already carry enough around.

So anyway, the big picture of that is that refusal to play his part, and so now I'm left with the frustration of that. The moment wasn't resolved, and while I didn't yell, I feel a bit desperate about the lack of responsiveness. Anyone have ideas?

 

[gingerandpickles]

Great idea!

 

[mom2happy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mom2happy

Welp- I didn't get my chocolate bar on Saturday night. I made a really ugly UGLY face at DS and kind of talked through my teeth. Yuck- a snarling mom.

I was trying to get the baby down for a desperately needed nap and my back was killing me. He wouldn't stop yelling.

I forgave myself though, because I've been doing very well despite the challenges of being alone with 3 kids from wake up to bed time.

I got my chocolate bar!! Yay- now I can be a good and chubby mom- by rewarding myself with sweets- ah heck, I deserve it.

Anyway, things have been great around here. My challenging DD has been very even keeled this week and it's been like a vacation.

DS and the baby are their regular to take care of selves (which means Pieces of cake when comparing them to their older sis.)

I can't say I get much credit for keeping my cool this week because there hasn't been much to struggle with.

I'm sure I'll be put to the test very soon now though, since I typed all this out.

 

[Spring Lily]

MrsH - You know, I probably would have left the jackets in the driveway, too! It's a natural consequence: if you don't bring in your jackets, they are left outside. I'd have been really angry at DH for going to get them, too, that is completely undermining you. Not the kind of support you need when you're that mad. When you're at that point, DH should step in to take over what you were doing, not let DC off the hook. IMHO anyway. It just sets you up for being in that same situation again. I think you're right on about finding an outlet. It's just so hard to do that when you're sick, you can't do exercise or get out of the house easily, so it just all builds up.

mom2happy - yay for the chocolate bar! And yes you deserve a treat now and then! You earn it.

We've been doing ok overall, but I've definitely shouted a few times in the last few days. I got sick yet again with a bad cold so I'm having trouble sleeping which is not helping me.

I think my biggest trigger is when the kids don't listen. Here's an example: I'll be cleaning and tell DD to pick up her shoes in the living room. 5 minutes later they're still there and I tell her to pick them up. 2 minutes later I come back and tell her again. 5 minutes later I'm in there with the vacuum and the darn shoes are still sitting there! AGH! Multiply that by 3, because I'm also after DS to pick up his cars and DD2 to pick up her clothes at the same time. So in 15 minutes I can easily give 15 instructions that are equally ignored...until I start raising my voice.

I have to wonder if the kids tune me out until I raise my voice.

 

[MrsH]

Today went pretty well. No yelling! As a quick clarification on the coat issue, I don't think DH had fully realized what had transpired that led to the coats being in the driveway in the first place ;-)

DS and I had a little chat about when I count to 3 he really does need to do what I say, and otherwise it really will be a time-out. I try not to use this strategy often, but when he's just flat-out ignoring me and I've tried every other tack (including: "you're ignoring me. I'm wondering if that means that you don't want to do what I'm asking. Maybe we can find a solution together.") counting really does work effectively and gets through some of those really inane power struggles. Our counting though had started to look something like: "one. two. Ok, remember what happens if I get to three? Two. Th... rrrrrrrrrrrrr... ok, you said fine, so now I need to see your body doing it too. Th.... rrrrrrrr....ok, great, here you are, let's get these shoes on now!" In other words, totally ineffective. So we chatted, I only counted once or twice today and was very matter of fact about it.

We also had a nice family meeting talking about what we want our family to be like, what makes each of us proud and happy to be part of this family. The kids had really insightful responses and I'm glad we asked. We decided to save the start of the "how do we get there" conversation for next week's meeting!

 

[bellababy4us09]

Hi all. Here is my experience. There was once I day I yelled and accidentally saw myself in a mirror across the room. It stopped me in my tracks as I looked ugly, mean, and unloving. I thought, this is what she SEES. From that day on, no matter how hard a day...and there have been a few I tell ya, I take a breath, evaluate the importance of whatever it is ( getting ready to go out, cleaning up, discipline, etc. ) and then calmly go about the situation. The only time I raise my voice now is when it I need to intervene a dangerous situation. I figure if I yell, it will only teach her that that is the way of communicating and since kids inevitably copy their parents, she will yell and in the end stop listening all together. My goal - I always want her to listen to me and to be a good listener herself. It certainly is not easy, but that picture of myself is cemented in my mind for good. Good luck mamas.

 

[eblindauer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mom2happy

Yay! No yelling yesterday.

No one else yells here - even once in a while?

omg i will honestly say im a yeller! i have like 0 patients for my over active boys! i dont feel im a bad parent for yelling, i would rather yell than spank any day! i do know i need to work on the yelling, for my kids do it too and its annoying lmao! but my kids seem to not listen to me at ALL. i wish i had the daddy effect, he just walks in and if they are doing something naughty they stop and run a way. and he does not spank or anything either they just know hes serious and think im not. so im willing to join you on this mission to find other ways of discipline, there is nothing wrong with a parent admitting their mistakes, and its probably easier over the Internet for your not going to be judged as much for people dont know you. and im the type that dont care what pplz think. so i look forward to trying this!

what have you done so far?

what seems to work or dont work for you?

 

[MrsH]

I think I'm doing a mediocre job at this, but getting an A for effort ;-) My older two are both in an extremely rough patch which is definitely complicating the not yelling. Though I'm also beginning to really see the ways in which yelling at them perpetuates the trauma they experienced when they were young, especially DS tends to go straight into fight or flight mode (usually fight, though sometimes he'll just run away yelling "STOOOOOOPPP!!!!!!"). Anyway, DH and I came up with a list of things we'd like to change about how our family operates. Of course we don't want to do it all at once... here are our thoughts so far:

• I'm back to being able to use a bit of the 1-2-3 Magic at moments that all else fails. For a while I was being too soft on it, resulting in DS absolutely ignoring me. Now that we're back to actually just counting and otherwise he has a time-out, it really helps me to stay calm to know that if I really need a kid to do something without arguing, I can count and they will do it. We frequently talk about it afterwards, about why it was so important, why I chose to count, etc. It's especially helpful with DS as it keeps him out of the stress zone.
• This morning I had a chat with DD1 about her latest attitude. Most of her conversations these days involve lots of eye-rolling, rude tone of voice, and acting like others are incredibly dumb. I talked with her about the ways that that is contrary to the way our family wants to be (her own words during last week's meeting were to be "kind, friendly, and respectful"). From now on, anytime she speaks in that way we'll ask her to watch her tone (more neutral than "cut the attitude!"). I'm hoping that by not expending all that emotional energy on her when she acts rudely will free up some energy to spend with her in a positive way.
• Tonight we're talking with the kids about some ways to reduce the toy clutter. We'll propose a plan (that I'll rotate the toys that are currently out with stuff that's in storage in the basement, and that in the process we'll maek sure everything has a neat place on the shelf). Basically they won't need to do anything if they don't want to, but can definitely be a part of selecting toys etc. I think it'll help me feel like we're either able to work together on something, or else to get some control back in a healthy way. I don't expect them to protest it as it's basically stuff we already do, but I'm not sure whether they'll just say "fine, whatever" or "I want to be part of it too." Either works for me!

We have a few more ideas. One major one that we hope to start implementing sometime next week (after the toy clutter stops driving me nuts!) is to help them start making amends or repairs to one another when they hurt each other. There's been a lot of hitting and kicking between the older two lately, and our family therapist suggested that this could be a good way to help them actually restore their relationship a little bit instead of just saying "sorry" and then having all those negative feelings still there. I'm a little apprehensive of actually enforcing it, but do think that in theory it'll be amazing.

All that too say, I'm still yelling and still working on it. I am getting a little better and I think that these plans that are meant to bring a more basic, underlying level of calm to the house will help. They are also things that I can have a little control over, and often I yell when I feel utterly out of control, so it might help from that angle as well.

 

[Spring Lily]

Oh mamas, I need some sympathetic ears! I'm having a hard day. I'm taking a moment away from the kids before I lose my temper yet again this evening. For the most part I've been doing so well, really keeping my tone modulated when I get upset, taking a few breaths before reacting, things like that. Today I am tired, still getting over being sick, and have been with the kids for 12 hours and counting. Dh has been working long hours lately, so I'm with the kids all day every day, 6 days a week, no breaks. Even when DH gets home, I don't get a break.

How do you stop yourself from yelling when you don't get a break? If you're just really burnt out and honesty can't carve out any time for yourself in the day? I'm sitting here typing this while 2 of my kids are screaming at each other behind me, and I just have to tune it out so I can even write this. It's so hard to find any patience when I'm so worn down. (OK full disclosure--just stopped 1/2 through that sentence and got in a conversation with one of them that turned into yelling--great.)

Anyway, I'd just love to hear some other people's strategies when they are in this kind of situation. On your own, no help, burnt out, and the kids are on your very last nerve! Thanks.