[eirual]

I could use some insight on this issue. DS (9mos) will be going to daycare in a few weeks when I go back to school.

I'm really haivng a hard time justifying it. How is leaving him to be sad so you can pursue soemthing else any better than leaving him to CIO so that you can get some sleep??

I CANNOT leave my baby to cry under any circumstance, It just breaks my heart. I've always been there for him in a heartbeat, often responding to his needs even before he has to cry about them.

I can see how in a few months things will be fine, and he will be comfortable and happy and settled there...heck, I can see that happening in a matter of WEEKS, maybe even days!...but how on earth do you get through the beginning stages of starting daycare?? THis is seriously breaking my heart. What if he's seriously sad for 8 straight hours?? what if it doesn't work for him?? When do you draw the line and just say that this isn't the right thing to be doing. How much sadness is just 'adjusting' saddness, and when does it become just plain torture??

I can't help but to worry about this, although at the same time I'm hoping he adjusts well and thrives there.

How do you keep these worriesome thoughts at bay? What are your thoughts on how daycare can compliment instead of defy AP??

 

[schaubml]

I had no choice and had to return to work at 12 weeks. However, my daughter loves daycare. It's onsite so I get to nurse her on my lunch hour and since I've done that everday for the past 6 months I have really developed a relationship with the teachers there. They work with me and Lily a lot. She did go through a period of where she would cry when I leave, but the ladies would immediately pick her up, and give her hugs and kisses and 5 minutes later, she was happy as could be.

I think if you can find a provider that is willing to work with you, it will go a lot smoother.

My daycare is very understanding and they take great care of my daughter.

 

[jadzia's_mommy]

Well, I think practicing AP can strengthen the bond while you are with your child and they are not in daycare, and that is going to make them more secure. I know it was great for me when I first returned to work (even though she was with DH then during the day) to have DD in bed with us at night and to night nurse. That way I didn't feel like I only had a couple hours with her on those days. And she knew mommy was there all night long for her.

If you are someone who has allowed yourself to stay sensitive to your child's cries then leaving them at daycare those first few days is just going to be hard. No two ways about it. My DD was 17 months when she started daycare and it was still hard. But sometimes you just don't have a choice and you do the best you can, knowing that you're doing all you can to make your child feel loved and secure.

It does help to have a dcp that you feel like is going to be sensitive to them. When I came in to visit the day care for the first time, I was sitting with the assistant director in the office, and this baby was crying in the next room. She excused herself and brought the baby back in the office (in her arms) explaining that this baby was really attached to her and would only stop crying sometimes when she held her. I really liked that she noticed and responded to those cries, and took steps to comfort the baby even though that wasn't necessarily her job at that moment.

 

[Ellien C]

How is leaving him to be sad so you can pursue soemthing else any better than leaving him to CIO so that you can get some sleep??

- How do you know he will be sad when you leave him?

I CANNOT leave my baby to cry under any circumstance, It just breaks my heart. I've always been there for him in a heartbeat, often responding to his needs even before he has to cry about them.

- In my experience few day cares use CIO. It's too stressful on the providers and sets off the other kids.

I can see how in a few months things will be fine, and he will be comfortable and happy and settled there...heck, I can see that happening in a matter of WEEKS, maybe even days!...but how on earth do you get through the beginning stages of starting daycare??
- Go slowly. Start with a few hours at a time and work up to a full day. You might want to stay with him for a few days until he gets used to it.

THis is seriously breaking my heart. What if he's seriously sad for 8 straight hours??
- What if he is sad with you for 8 hours? You find ways to comfort him as will your providers. In my experience though, babies that young have no trouble going to a new providers. You might also talk with your provider and ask what they will do if he cries, has trouble going to sleep or has trouble separating. Knowing how your providers respond will ease your fears.

You can look at this as denying your baby the time to bond with you or giving him the opportunity to bond with someone else. This could add to your babies self-confidence and ability to bond with other members of his tribe. I would suggest not focussing on the perceived negatives as your child may pick up on your fears. Instead think about some of the benefits this will afford your child and your whole family.

 

[Lucky Charm]

I agree with the previous poster: Who says he will be sad all day?

I went back to work with my youngest when he was 12 weeks old. I had no choice. Our backs were against the wall. That said, the sitter we used was wonderful. My baby was in arms almost constantly. Our two older kids went there as well before school and would tell me that the sitter held him all the time and that he rarely cried (he was not one to fuss much anyway).

I also agree with the easing in slowly, and hour or two, then more easing up to a full day.

I think the key thing for us was our dcp. And absolutely wonderful woman who just loved our son and older kids.

 

[lilyka]

as a daycare provider (ok I was a home daycare provider which is different from other options) I can assure you:

1. everyone was loved. genuine loved. as if they were my own child.

2. everyone adjusted within 3 or 4 days. and most were fine the minute thier mom was out of sight. the most important thing a mother can do to help her child be comfortable with the arangement is to be comfortable herself. exude confidence in the daycare provider, the environment and in your child, to your child. if you are teling them this is a good arrangement they will believe you until it is proved otherwise.

3. this is not the same as leaving them to cry it out. you are leaving them in loving skilled hands.

 

[mirlee]

The place where our son was early on was certainly not perfect, but the woman who was in charge of the baby room treated all of the babies as if she were their moms. She was always holding one or two and talking to the rest. My son was a breastfed baby and never took the bottle very well, taking only 2 ounces or so at a time. She worked with all day to make sure he got fed.

We were at two different centers. The only time the babies cry for any length of time is when a) they are ALL having a crying jag and there just arent' enough people to hold them all b) they are hungry and food is on its way and it is never that long. I have seen one kid that broke my heart. He refused to be held to go to sleep. He didn't want to be touched or anything. The woman who cared for him, a mom of 4, had a hard time letting him cry in his crib for a nap, but that is what HE wanted.

I suggest visiting the center a few times at different times of the day to see how things really go.

We always fret about these things, but he will be fine. Our son ended up loving the place and would get upset to leave! The key is to spend time with your child in the morning before you drop him off and when you pick him up. We must have looked very silly sitting in the car nursing in the beginning for about 15 minutes, but that made him feel much better.

 

[EVC]

I am in the exact same boat (almost 10 month old dd, I'm starting classes in two weeks, and we are planning to use daycare when I'm in class).

I think a lot depends on the daycare you choose. So far, I feel good about ours--dd will be with 6 other children between the ages of 9 and 14 months, and if we continue at the center, she'll stay with the same group of kids. This center focuses on education and plans age appropriate developmental activities throughout the day. I will volunteer at the center two hours a week, so I'll have a chance to see what really goes on. So hey, maybe dd will actually have FUN there and maybe she'll make her first little friends

 

[Ravin]

I went back to school when DD was not quite 11 mos. My first semester, I arranged my schedule so she was with the dcp as few hours in a day as possible. I had no worries except how she'd nap; she got as much in-arms time as she needed (she was the youngest there when she first started, at an in-home daycare).

This semester we're shifting to a center which is on campus, and I'll be able to visit DD between classes, etc. The first week or so I will spend as much time there with her as I can (arrive several hours before class, hang out, come back for lunch, etc.), until she's comfortable.

There's nothing anti-AP about having help care for your child. In traditional societies babies get passed around and have plenty of people besides mama look after them, once they're past the first few months of having to nurse constantly.

Your baby will probably have an easier time of it than YOU will!

 

[dentmom3]

Wow! What a great question for a newbie like me to read about! We are expecting our 3rd any day now and I am just learning about AP. We have been easing toward it on our own with each child anyway, but as a WOHM who will be going back when DS is just a few months old I was wondering this myself. Reading these answers I can toss in my own experience with our child care center.

1) no one does CIO at our center. The babies are either rocked or have their backs rubbed to go to sleep.

2)safety regulations prohibit them from letting the babies sleep in the swings (SIDS risk I guess) so they are much more likely to rock the baby in their arms than put them in a swing to fall asleep.

3) like someone else said, with more than one infant in the room the care providers are not at all likely to let one baby just cry as one crying baby often multiplies into many

OP - thanks for asking what I have been wondering, I guess I knew the answers sort of but didn't know I knew them until you asked!

 

[eirual]

You mamas are all so right!

I try to stay focused on the good things. He's a very sociable and outgoing guy, he loves people, especially women in general (which both his care porviders are), and we went to visit and he did FINE, he had FUN, he hardly acknowledged that I was there at all.

Thankyou for pointing out that him crying with someone else comforting him is not the same as letting him CIO on his own. I kinda forgot about that part...

He will still have his needs met, just not by me- and that's okay.

I CAN see this working, I CAN see him thriving in the daycare environment...it's just that first day that I think is going to get me....walking out the door without him...I hope he doesn't cry, I hope I don't cry, and I hope I CAN model confidence and reassure him that things will be fine. I hope hope hope I don't have to leave him when he's sad, I've never walked away from him in that state. But you're right, I'm dwelling on the negative, he will likely be just fine.

We'll spend the next two weeks visiting (a few times next week, then maybe a couple full mornings, a couple full afternoons, and one full day the following week) I'm sure after we get more familiar with the setting and everything I'll feel much more comfortable with, and confident in, the daycare arrangements.

*sigh....

 

[Ravin]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mirlee The key is to spend time with your child in the morning before you drop him off and when you pick him up. We must have looked very silly sitting in the car nursing in the beginning for about 15 minutes, but that made him feel much better.

I agree that this part is very important. When DD first started in care, we had a 20-min. bus ride and a 1/4 mi. walk to the dcp's house. I often wouldn't even wake her until 5 minutes before time to go, but we spent the bus ride and walk with her in the sling or kozy, chatting and nursing and cuddling. I got one of those wheeled bags for my books. Likewise, on the way home we had that one-on-one time.

 

[zksgreen]

This helped me,

Go observe the classroom without your DC there. Just sit in a corner. Providers really understand your anxiety. If anything other than normal is happening you will know by the mystified looks on the kids faces.

Anyhow, the whole point is to sit there and notice how much fun the kids are having, and then to imagine your kid there having just that much fun.

 

[Thalia the Muse]

We used a home daycare starting when my daughter was 10 months old, and she never cried at drop-off. The DCP was very grandmotherly and held and fussed over the babies, and my daughter LOVED being around other babies and having new toys to play with.

She did cry a lot when I went back to work at four months and she was home with her daddy -- THAT was hard (mostly for him, because he was the one holding the wailing baby who acted like she didn't want him). But frankly, when she was that young she cried a lot when I was home with her too, she had kind of a hard time being an infant.

 

[woobysma]

definitely leave enough time in your drop-off routine to help your babe "settle in" - I've found this to be even more important as ds is in full toddler mode. Sometimes, he just wants to stand by the window and wave goodbye, sometimes he's off running to play with his friends, and sometimes it takes about 15 minutes to figure out what he wants to do so I can leave him happy.

In the year and a half that he's been in daycare, there have been less than 10 mornings where he was just really unhappy when I had to leave him. Those days are HARD, but they are very infrequent. AND - every one of those days, I left work early to go and get him and he was fine when I got there. It's very unlikely that your babe will be "unhappy for 8 hours". In fact, if that happens for more than a couple days, I'd encourage you to find another dcp. There have been kids at our center that just never settled in - you have to find a center that you AND your child love. Just follow your gut, be positive and pay attention to your child's ques. It will all work out fine.

 

[ashleyhaugh]

as a caregiver, we've never really had the "sad all day" with babies as young as 9 mo, that usually starts a little older, although there are exceptions.
unfortunatly, he probably will have to cry, but not in a cio kinda way... im in an infant room and we never leave a baby to just scream, we would get in so much trouble for that, its more along the lines "im sorry xxx i know you want to be held, but i have to feed soandso right now, as soon as im done, i'll get you" (and yes we really do speak to the kids like that), but thats inevitable in a room with 2 caregivers and 8-9 babies.
its like mirlee said

Quote:

The only time the babies cry for any length of time is when a) they are ALL having a crying jag and there just arent' enough people to hold them all b) they are hungry and food is on its way and it is never that long.

we dont schedule the babies,but there are always a few that sort of schedule together, so there might be 3 babies hungry at the same time, and then if theyre crying, everyone else joins in.... it usually only takes a few minutes to get everyone settled again.... parents are impressed when they see one person feeding 3 bottles at once, lol
most children do fine, even if they cry a bit when mom leaves, sometimes its harder on the parents, we had a new 4 mo old start this week, and mom cried on his first day

we love our babies at the center, miss them when they miss a day, and cry when they leave. they really bond with us, and while they like all the caregivers, most end up with a special caregiver they prefer. if its a good center, your child should eventually have a great bond with his caregiver.
good luck

 

[lauren]

I would suggest going and hanging out with your baby at the day care several times before you go back to school. Let him get to know the staff and let the staff get to know him and develop a relationship. Then you will not feel like you are leaving him with strangers on the first 'real' day. They will already be friends. Give him a transitional object to take with him-- some kind of lovey; even better if it is something that reminds him of you.

And the first day WILL be hard-- mostly for you. You will probably cry because it will just be so weird to leave him. But you will adjust and so will he.

I wish you lots of luck settling in to this!

 

[fuller2]

I would just say to definitely listen to what your instincts are telling you about the provider. A good provider can be great, but there are a lot of bad ones out there. I ended up having a very, very bad experience at a home day care, and I had been having weird feelings about it that I'd been trying to talk myself out of almost since my son started. (He was there for 3 months part time.)

It can be really hard to separate your own anxiety about dc in general from other instincts about the quality of the care--I had a horrible time with this. (Not to mention just not wanting to go through the whole ordeal of finding a new place again.) But if you can do it, listen to your feelings.

This was in a place that seemed to have excellent credentials, good recommendations, lovely neighborhood, upscale families, classical music, the whole deal. But it masked some very bad stuff (physical abuse) that was happening there. Don't want to freak you out, just letting you know that one side of dc is just not knowing what happens while your kid is there, and that on one level you just have to accept that you won't know. And to be 'AP' is to listen to your feelings even if they seem to go against the 'facts' that are being presented to you.

Most states have extremely lax regulation of child care. Here, to open a home day care you need $75 for a permit and 3 hours of training. That's it--you can then care for up to 6 toddlers alone in your house all day long, and no one will check on you. You can even have a criminal record, as long as it's for something not directly related to child care (and even then, if you are employed by a child care center, they can use their own discretion as to whether the criminal record matters.) Make sure you check with your state licensing agency for any infractions or complaints about the place you want toleave your child--in many states there is no way you will know about anything bad unless YOU make the effort to find out, and it takes a lot to get a license revoked.

After my bad experience (which prompted a criminal investigation by the county) the home day care was not closed or censured in any way, nor was the employee involved fired, and as far as I know the place is still open. During this time I heard *many* horror stories about day care centers.

So although it is not nice to hear, you owe it to yourself and your kid to do as much background checking as possible. Obviously, being at home is no guarantee of not being abused--kids get beaten up by their parents all the time, etc. But since the state usually does next to nothing to ensure the safety of your child and the competence of care providers, you will have to do it yourself. I was pretty relaxed and naive about this process when I started--I'm not now. (as you can see)

 

[Diane B]

I'll add one note: our center has one-way mirror-windows into the rooms, so you can see your child after you leave the room. Almost always, if my daughter has a tough drop off, she stops crying within 30 seconds after I leave. I have noticed this is true for most of the other kids, and actually, the parents that linger usually prolong the parting and the difficulty for the child. It hard to be brisk and efficient and GET OUT OF THERE when your baby is crying, but I actually think it helps most children transition with less sadness.

My daughter started day care at 9 monhts. Hell for me; fine for her! I think that's typical...and it didn't stay that way. It's 90% ok now.

 

[Kathryn]

: I watch a little girl that LOVES coming to me. She doesn't make a peep when her dad drops her off, just practically jumps into my arms. However, when her mom drops her off, you'd think someone was beating her. She screams and sobs hysterically, sometimes until puking. She will go on and on for as long as her mom is here. However, as soon as the front door closes behind her mom, she stops. Within 30 seconds, she's happily playing and just having a grand time. I made a point to tell her mom to wait outside the front door and even look through the window. Her mom will sometimes call a minute later or so and make sure she's ok. She does make it worse by sticking around for so long, but I can understand why she doesn't want to just leave her screaming child (18 months,btw).