[claddaghmom]

Argh! I finally got the "shouldn't you be working?" comment.

: And instead of smiling and saying something politically correct, I said, "Well, I don't want DD to be in daycare; I want to be with her all the time."

She went off on me, all about how daycare workers provide the same security as a mother, and children learn independence better than being "sheltered at home" and children are emotionally healthier than "sheltered children."

I've always felt that the tender years are really important for a mother/child bond and that SAH was better. I didn't research deeper than that, and I don't judge WOHMs as you do what you have to do in life, KWIM? But I felt really ignorant when she went on and on about it. She had statistics and this study and that study, etc.

Now I find myself doubting. Is daycare actually better? Am I wrong for keeping her at home????

 

[SunshineJ]

Baloney. First off there is no one size fits all with an issue like this. Some families work better if the child is with a sahp all day, some families work better if the child is in daycare. Some children respond wonderfully to daycare and being with their peers at an early age, others do far better being at home with the one on one time with that parent. For your family it sounds like you being a SAHM is what works best, so go with it, be thankful you can stay at home and don't pay any attention to what other people say.

 

[Kristin0105]

No daycare is not better than SAHM. There have been some studies that show that children who attend daycare attend daycare are more aggressive. It depends on the daycare some focus on academics through play and others focus on well nothing.

As a child psychologist I can say that I would never unless I absolutely had to send my child to daycare. I find it hard to beleive that it is better to send a child to daycare than it is to nurture them at home with 1:1 attention from their mom or dad.

I read an article when I was pregnant w/dd that indicated that most daycare studies that show negative outcomes are not published because american moms don't want to hear that they might be doing more harm than good sending their lo's off to daycare each day. The gist of the article was they don't get published because all these women would be up in arms about such a report. Etc. it was really sad that research outcomes are controlled by cultural norms sometimes.

 

[brooks97]

There are pros and cons on both sides. I agree with pp.

 

[Phantaja]

Personally- IMO- *I* think- It seems to ME- (do you get where I'm going here?) that a child being with his or her mother is the default, while daycare is the alternative. It's kind of like choosing water or orange juice. Typically, when it's hot or you look parched, someone is going to offer you water. It's nothing against orange juice. It's not going to kill you, it does have it's advantages, you might even like it, but water is the pure, plain, simple, more obvious choice.

 

[Super~Single~Mama]

(I have done NO research on the matter, these are only my opinions)

OP I think I saw that your daughter is only 4 or 5 months old? I do not think that daycare can be beneficial at that young of an age - although some parents need to use it, and if its a good daycare its probably not harmful at that age either.

Now, once children are older, like more than a year and starting to interact with other children, I think that daycare *could* provide a safe place for this to happen and for children to learn some skills. These skills could be learned in playgroups that a SAHM attended as well.

I don't think that having a SAHM is harmful! It *could* result in *some* children being antisocial if they never left the house - but I don't think thats often the case once children get to be older.

Please don't anyone take offense to what I wrote - I just see advantages and disadvantages to both scenarios.

 

[newbymom05]

That comment was rude IMHO. I responded but had to delete it b/c I don't want to start a mommy war. Yes, I think children benefit from having a loving parent care for them. How can that not be true? But as a SAHM I've heard the same load of junk. My DS1 was very high needs and I couldn't put him down for almost the first year and I was always hearing that, but more to give me a break. Of course my ex-pedi said if DS didn't go to daycare he'd always be high needs and fearful of strangers.

Yeah, whatever--DS1 at 4 is a fantastic little kid--outgoing, talkative, creative, funny, well mannered--and he's always been guided and cared for by his parents.

And FWIW, you can always find studies to support your point of view. I started to post links, but I don't want to start a mommy war. You can Google and find all kinds of things to support SAHPs. But why bother--be secure in your decision that you're doing what's right for you and your family, It sounds to me like that woman was justifying herself to you--maybe she felt judged and defensive. I hope my post won't make anyone feel that way--everyone has to do what's right for their family.

ETA Oh no way, you're LO is only 5 mo old??? And that woman implied that a stranger would take better care of your baby than its own mother??? Yes, baloney times 10!

 

[charleysmama23]

I agree with the pp's, but mostly I wanted to add that those "studies" probably don't take in account all of the various factors. I think about the stereotypes about homeschoolers who will have these socially awkward kids who are super sheltered and don't learn to "properly socialize"...which is also baloney. It's all about what you DO as a SAHM with your dd. For example, I work PT so dd goes to daycare (actually just my friend's house) two days/week. When I'm home with her (and hope to be full time someday) we go to a playgroup, we have our church, we hang out with friends, etc. She is always around other kids, but the bonus is that she's usually around mama too

 

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

No way a day care worker can provide what I can to my children period. They have what 5 years to be with you then unless you homeschool they go to school they learn independance then no need to rush it if you absolutly do not have to.

Historically children have been cared for by mom at home only in the last 50 or so years has day care came into the picture in a big way. And compairing children 50+ years ago to the ones now it makes you think.

Disclaimer this post was about MY family not anyone elses out there.

 

[PassionateWriter]

i just have no words for someone like her. but in short, uh, no she is not correct. thats just insane.

my kids are more social than any school i have ever seen..its what works for me (and i have been in a situation, w/ ds1 and ds2 where they were in preschool so i absolutely know what i am comparing ds3 and ds4 to...and those were great preschools).

NO ONE can replace a parent's love and attention. If needed, daycares and preschools are great...but to suggest that they are NEEDED is just absurd.

we all do what we have to....judging someone for chosing another path is just ...i don't know....prejudicial and destructive of moms choosing another way of taking care of her family.

 

[philomom]

I worked in a very nice daycare. The kind with low ratios and high fees. Even the best of daycare is still not the loving care you get from your own mom. Period.

My hubby and I put off having children until he made enough money that I could stay home. I know this doesn't work for everyone... but it worked for us.

 

[Harmony08]

There is a great book called Becoming Attached: First Relationships and how they shape our ability to love by Robert Karen. It is a thick and very thorough run through of all of the attachment psychology studies etc so far. After reading that I knew there were a million things I would give up before I gave up raising my own child. I plan to SAH until all of my kids are well into school and maybe longer.

Also, I have worked in Daycare, taught preschool, and been a Nanny. I wish those kids could have stayed with their parents. They may learn to share, negotiate toy conflicts, and get in line earlier than SAH kids but those things are no where near as important as the things they could get a home and SAH kids can quickly catch up at a later, more appropriate age.

Uh oh I just realized I could be infuriating a lot of working parents. I mean no harm. I have worked with tons of fantastuc parents who had to use daycare but I am addressing the OP's insecurity about SAH.

Oh yeah, like PPs said. That lady was just RUDE. She probably just feels insecure about putting her kids in care and so now has taken the "knock what you can't have" approach to life.

 

[claddaghmom]

The way everyone adds disclaimers to their opinions makes me

:

I felt that I had to write the same way b/c when people are in tight conditions they do what they can do and there's only reason to support them, not judge them.

But what about just the action itself (aka daycare)?

After reading the replies, I see the same structure as the breastfeeding debate. Breastfeeding, instead of being normal, is "ideal" and everyone buries their opinion under lots of disclaimers.

Agh! I just went googling on this subject and found people who had me convinced daycare was terrible. Then I read an article where it pointed out such and such study showed a 1% difference.

If anyone would PM their information I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

 

[zinemama]

This is not about children with a sahm vs. kids in daycare.

This is an issue of rudeness, pure and simple. What that woman said to you about a parenting choice you made was inappropriate. She has no business saying what she did.

Frankly, I'd have tuned her out at "Shouldn't you be working?"

 

[lavieenrose]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zinemama This is not about children with a sahm vs. kids in daycare. This is an issue of rudeness, pure and simple. What that woman said to you about a parenting choice you made was inappropriate. She has no business saying what she did. Frankly, I'd have tuned her out at "Shouldn't you be working?"

:

 

[littlebabydoll]

I know nothing about daycare but I do know about attachment parenting. A well bonded child will be more secure to explore the world in the future.

Do babies get lots of love and touch at daycare?
Are they fed on que?
Are their needs met with in moments?
If they have trouble sleeping, are their indiv. needs catered to?

I'd need to know more but I'm doubtful.

 

[Whittliz]

Your response was better than mine would have been...I might poke her in her eyeball!

:

 

[honeybee]

Her reaction was a tad defensive, which means her response is about her own insecurities and doesn't have anything to do with your choices. Be like a duck and let it roll off your back.

 

[Cherry Alive]

Not true. My husband is mellow, kind, and giving. He successfully heads a large section of 20+ ppl. He has a Phd, but is not stuck up...he befriends everyone. He is an only child who was never spanked and raised by his mom until he was a teen (when she got a PT job). ...Not spoiled or needy at all.

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Many of the studies that show daycare is beneficial have concentrated on "disadvantaged" children. And yeah, if your parent can't afford to feed you, if your mother is an addict, if your parents are so stressed about money they can't function, if mommy is depressed, if daddy is an abusive alcoholic... Then daycare is going to be beneficial. If your home is nothing but adult-targetted TV 24/7, then daycare may be beneficial. If mommy is not a good infant mommy FT, then daycare is probably beneficial (and this perfectly describes me -- I would have, possibily literally, killed a baby if that was all I did all day). If you are a good SAH mommy type, if you enjoy spending time with your baby, if you provide stimulation and playtime, if you are happy, if you can stay home and still provide the basics for life (e.g. food, shelter) then staying at home is the way to go. Not everyone can day that though. And if people can't, then good daycare is better than the alternative.

Regardless, the woman was unbelievably rude.