[pumpkingirl71]

Dd has entered the adorably female stage of loving to talk on the phone

One person she asks to call all of the time is her birthmother. We don't have her number, so I always suggest we write her a letter instead. L (birthmother) also just go a computer, so we can e-mail now too. L has never written back or called. She does have our number.

But yesterday we were spending time with dd's bio sister who is 16. She called their birthmother and put dd on the phone. I really don't know how it came about, but it struck me as really inappropriate, since L hasn't contacted me in over a year to visit. Anyway, not much was said and dd didn't seem to phased. But L called back later and asked to speak to dd again. This time I could hear everything that was said just because of the cell phone. L got really emotional and just kept repeating "I love you, you know how much I love you." It broke my heart for about 30 seconds before I remembered how inappropriate L can be.

Now I am pretty sure the dd will ask to call L and it would be really easy to get her number. So my question is, would you listen to the calls? I feel that it is really important the I help dd process everything that is said, especially if it skirts the line of what is appropriate. But on the other hand, it woudl strike dd as really weird. She talks to everyone else on the phone and I don't listen. I don't want to make it obvious that I am protecting her from L or that I am suspicious of her. Ahhhhhhhhh. Why can't all of the answers be easy?

 

[queenjane]

How old is your daughter? From your sig line, it seems she is four?! From your description i would think she was at least 12 or 13. If she is just four, yes, i personally would absolutely listen to these calls, so you now what is said and therefore know how to help dd process everything. I think i would be more comfortable with things like emails though. If she is older, i guess it gets more complicated.

Katherine

 

[pumpkingirl71]

Quote:

Originally Posted by queenjane How old is your daughter? From your sig line, it seems she is four?!

Ooops, sorry Katherine! Yes, she is four

I guess she is early for the phone, but she loves it. She calls mostly her granparents, but I expect her to branch out to friends soon

Thanks for the advice!

 

[RedOakMomma]

Listening to the phone calls of a four year old is COMPLETELY appropriate. Around 6 or 7 I'd say maybe not, in the teen years definitely not (unless you suspect a predator, emotional abuse, etc.).

But four? Holy heck, YEAH it's okay.

ETA: the question I'd have is whether or not you should tell her birthmom that you're on the phone. In the interest of being honest, I'd say yes. Perhaps a good compromise would be to use speaker phone, or to have your daughter on the regular phone but to have your speaker phone on in another room.

 

[poiyt]

I think its completely appropriate to listen to the phone calls.

My concern would be L's reaction to talking to your dd on the phone. The really emotional, "i love you, you know I love you" and anything else along those lines could end up being really confusing for your dd. Especially if she says things along other really emotional lines. I would have a talk with L first, when you tell her you will be listening in, and say that you want to make this transition of your dd and her having a relationship as easy as possible on all of you, but in order to do that L needs to tread lightly and not get so emotional etc etc...just my thoughts

 

[Sierra]

I'm realizing as I read this thread that this wouldn't be an issue in our house because we use speaker phone *a lot.* I use speaker phone sometimes just to be hands free, but we almost always use the speaker phone if my kids are calling someone (they are 3 and almost 3). That started to be the norm because my ds has an articulation disorder and sometimes we need to repeat what he is saying so it is clear to the other person. Then it really helped out with dfd because half the time she doesn't respond when someone is asking her a question on the phone, and it helps us to know if she is ignoring someone or listening to them when she goes dead silent. We have a big family, and my kids make at least a couple phone calls a day, and I can recall only a handful of conversations that didn't at some point become speaker phone conversations.

So now when we call dfd's paternal birth grandmother, who I trust to be appropriate on the phone, I have the speaker phone on. And if we were chatting with his first mother or anyone else who might say something inappropriate, it wouldn't be unatural at all for me to be on the line.

Do you ever make phone calls as a family, on speaker? Maybe making more...to grandma or whomever...might make it a bit more natural to do shared phone calls to your dd's birthmother (???).

 

[Sierra]

Quote:

Originally Posted by poiyt My concern would be L's reaction to talking to your dd on the phone. The really emotional, "i love you, you know I love you" and anything else along those lines could end up being really confusing for your dd.

I don't know. This kid knows and remembers her birthmother, who she was with for the first part of her life. I could see the emotional intensity being a little confusing to a kid who has never met his or her birthparent before, particularly if the adoptive parents have not cultivated a sense that they are family too. In this case, the emotional intensity may or may not be confusing (my instinct would be just to follow dd's lead), but the sentiment also could be a helpful one if handled well in follow-up conversations as a family. In general, I want my kids to know they are so very loved by their first families. That's not something I ever want them to wonder.

Now, other things she could say along really emotional lines...well, I could definitely see cutting a conversation short if need be.

 

[pumpkingirl71]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sierra Do you ever make phone calls as a family, on speaker? Maybe making more...to grandma or whoever...might make it a bit more natural to do shared phone calls to your dd's birthmother (???).

Duh, speaker phone

I knew I could get the answer here! I read the responses and ran out to check our phone. Yes, we have speaker phone and have never used it. Not only is speaker phone the answer the kids will think it is fun. So we will start using spaker phone so when L calls it won't seem weird.

Thanks Seirra and ROM

:

 

[pumpkingirl71]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sierra I don't know. This kid knows and remembers her birthmother, who she was with for the first part of her life. I could see the emotional intensity being a little confusing to a kid who has never met his or her birthparent before, particularly if the adoptive parents have not cultivated a sense that they are family too. In this case, the emotional intensity may or may not be confusing (my instinct would be just to follow dd's lead), but the sentiment also could be a helpful one if handled well in follow-up conversations as a family. In general, I want my kids to know they are so very loved by their first families. That's not something I ever want them to wonder. Now, other things she could say along really emotional lines...well, I could definitely see cutting a conversation short if need be.

I have two worries about the emotionalness of L. One is that she is super over the top lovey, and then she drops out of the picture. That confuses me, and I am 34 years old

So yeah, I worry that this is confusing. The other is that it is so ALL ABOUT HER. I am a little bitter here. Sure open adoption is hard. Yes she has a lot of guilt about not being able to raise her three kids. But try to rise above it in some small way for the good of your kids. When she tell dd how much she misses her, it is manipulative in a way. Like she is trying to push off the guilt of not visiting her. I am sure L loves all of her kids, but in a very selfish way. I don't want dd exposed to the complicatedness of it. I REALLY don't want her to end up feeling bad for L or guilty about her relationship with her. I just want her to know that L loves her and give her the oportunity to have fun with her every once in a while. I don't see that happening, though.

 

[poiyt]

I think you need to talk to L about your concerns then. She shouldnt be using the open adoption you guys have arranged to manipulate your child (or you). I think open adoption is great when it works - but it is hard for both "sides" - the balance needs to be there.

 

[Sierra]

With ds' birthmother, we talk a lot about what ds needs to hear from her, about her feelings and his adoption. She doesn't "get" the empathy for her children thing naturally (I think in both our cases, this was a factor in removal), so I frame the conversation, and this seems to be a good reminder for her. Then, if she starts talking in a way that puts ds in a bad spot, I have some key words from our conversations that I can say that seem to trigger a memory of ds' needs.

With ds' birthfather, I basically just had to spell out specific instructions and "rules" for what things were appropriate. It's not stuff he just knows, and he tends toward pushing boundaries so I also am very specific with him about needing to end a session of contact if he doesn't respect the (very reasonable) limits. In his case, he's not trying to be malicious, though.