[irinam]

and I take it too seriously!

"You spoke to me in a mean voice" (yes, my voice was slightly raised, and I mean slightly!)

"You should have thought about XXX! Now we can not do YYY!"

"It was ALL your fault" (I thought this one is reserved for teenagehood

)

"You should have reminded me!"

"You should have waited until I remember!"

And I swear I don't model this to her! If anything I do the opposite - encourage and reassure

DS did not have that at all. Is it a "girl" thing? Is it a "6yo" thing? Is it a "this too shall pass" thing?

I am getting depressed because I am being critisized all the time!

 

[hellyaellen]

my 6yo dd is getting to be kind of critical too. always telling me i should do this or that...how to do it... etc. maybe its all of the above

how do you handle it?

 

[irinam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hellyaellen how do you handle it?

Other than pointing out that I do not like to be critisized, I don't think I am really "handling" it

:

I have to watch myself not to get on the defensive, as in "Am NOT!"

and remind myself that she is a child.

I would want to know how to handle it myself!

 

[sunnysideup]

Quote:

Originally Posted by irinam Is it a "6yo" thing?

Quote:

Is it a "this too shall pass" thing?

I try to remember to practice "active listening" and not let the criticism get to me. When she says "you spoke to me in a mean voice," try saying something like "that sounded like a mean voice to you." Just basically repeating what she's said so she feels heard, instead of denying it which can feel invalidating. Often, kids will elaborate a little more on why if you do that. It's hard not to get defensive, but keep in mind she feels free to tell you how she feels (even to critisize!), and that's good.

 

[Fuamami]

Quote:

Originally Posted by irinam I have to watch myself not to get on the defensive, as in "Am NOT!" and remind myself that she is a child.

You, know, I don't think it's so wrong to get defensive, or at least to give her your honest reaction.

My dd's only three, but she's been really into name-calling lately. Most of the time, I just totally ignore it, or try not to laugh when I'm called a bad ol' musty pest. But the other night I was trying to get dinner ready, her brother was fussy, her dad was working late and I was hungry and tired and grouchy. So when she said, "You're a bad guy, mama!" I said, "You know what, I don't like being called a bad guy. It hurts my feelings. And I bet other people wouldn't like it either."

And then I could tell by her reaction that she hadn't really thought of that, and I felt really bad. I think I should have been a little more honest with her at first, because she was just think it was something to say, and not realizing it could really hurt someone (I think!)

So I don't think you're off base by telling her how you feel when she says things like that. Sure, validate her feelings, but don't leave yours out of it. This will probably help her out with her friendships, too.

 

[hellyaellen]

i have to say i'm not handlieing it very gently. it always seems to be when we're both tired, hungry, cranky, etc. i get whiny and argumentative myself. not good i know. i'm

: though

 

[irinam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by natensarah You, know, I don't think it's so wrong to get defensive, or at least to give her your honest .

You are so right!

Now I just have to make sure I don't say it in the same tone of voice she uses

 

[MissRubyandKen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by irinam "You spoke to me in a mean voice"

My ds is very good at pointing out such things to me

. "Mom, that wasn't very respectful." "Mom, you're not being very helpful right now." I haven't honestly heard him say it yet when it wasn't true. My heart does soar to have a 4 yr old who has a significant grasp of what it is to respect! It really does help me reconstruct(I wanted to say reframe, but is that even a word?) myself in the moment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by irinam "You should have thought about XXX! Now we can not do YYY!" "It was ALL your fault" (I thought this one is reserved for teenagehood ) "You should have reminded me!" "You should have waited until I remember!"

My dd is 6 too. Save for the ALL your fault comment, I've heard 'em. I agree with reflecting and validating. You wish one of us would have remembered, You wish you would have remembered first, or something similar. When dd says things like this I know she is upset about something not playing out as she would have liked it too, and she is expressing it. Even though it may have been directed at me, I know it is likely about her feelings. I nodd and reflect or validate. Sometimes if it seems right I'll ask questions and she will work through her feelings and better express what it is she isn't happy about. If at all possible I try to help her find a way to make whatever it was that didn't happen possible, if not right away, then to plan for it.

 

[irinam]

Yes, MRK! Thank you.

Keep on reminding me mamas. I do know better, honest! I just don't seem to remember it "in the moment"