Mothering Forum banner

dd tried to undress her friend... update

1199 Views 12 Replies 9 Participants Last post by  Bippity
Sorry, this is long

We are a group of parents that hang out at the park with kids every afternoon after school. We are part of this group since the end of august, but all other parents have known each other for a few years. All parents are good friends.

Today at the park (while dd was with dh), dd tried to pull her friends pants (and maybe panties, I don't know) down.

4 kids were playing: dd (5yo), her friend (a girls 3 1/2 yo) and 2 boys (7yo and 6yo). Usually, dd and the 7 yo don't play together because the 7yo always tries to bully her (he has behavior problems that will be taken care of because the school notified the parents that he needed to see a psychologist). A woman came by the group of parents and told them to watch the kids as they were palying taking off clothes.

The mom of the 7yo asked the 2 boys what was happening and they told her that dd had the idea to pull the pants of the little girl down.

The mom of the little girl gave s$%? to dd and told dh not to tell her dh, because he would take this very seriously. Dd cried for 2 hours after that because she was upset and ashamed of what she had done and for being yelled at in public.

Dd told me that it was true that she had the idea, but that the boys were showing their penises and that the little girl was pulling down her pants (not panties) alone. Nothing was said to the 2 boys.

Also, last week the 7yo pulled down the panties of a little girl at school and was severely punished for it, in part becasue the mom of this little girl was very upset about it and wanted the school to do something and the parents to take action. All the parents thought that the girl's mom was making a big fuss about nothing, and I was about the only one who thought that even though it was "common", something needed to be done (a good talk, something, because this kid always bullies others,...).

I know what dd did was wrong, but I'm not sure if she should be the only one to take the blame for this.

What would you do? Would you just let it go and not talk about it anymore? I already talked with dd (before and tonight) and told her how her body was sacred and that nobody had the right to touch it or see it if she didn't want to, so others deserved the same respect, should I add something? Should I tell the other mom that I'm sorry for what happened but that I think they were all kind of "playing".

Please help me, because I feel like they are putting a bad etiquette on dd, and she really is, most of the time, a well adjusted kid, does VERY well in school (in the behavior department), but I also don't want to look like I'm trying to put the blame on others (but maybe I am

I am really upset and feel like
See less See more
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
All those kids were acting age/stage appropriate. Some people need to get over it.
I would agree that is sounds like normal curiousity. I would be upset if someone yelled at my child publicly (or privately) - esp. for doing something that is totally natural.

If your daughter understands about privacy, and knows other people deserve theirs as well, there's not a problem. And if there's a game involving pulling down kids pants, and the kids aren't upset about it, it seems silly for the adults to get upset about it.

Also, if a similar situation happened previously (with one of the boys I think you said) the kids may have that on their mind and are re-enacting it. Again, not a big deal.

I would say something to the upset parent to defend the normal play, normal curiousity that was involved. And ask that your child not be spoken to disrespectfully, esp. with your DH right there. Let them tell him to talk to her.

Good luck!
The situation sounds more like an opportunity for talking to kids about privacy, saying no to things that are uncomfortable, our bodies, etc., than a reason for going ballistic.

Sorry it happened.


I am kinda freakin about this because I don't know what really happened, and I don't know what the little girl was doing. Was she a willingful participant, or were her pants pulled down while she wanted to defend herself? was she unhappy about it? I don't know

Also, I feel like the mom doesn't like the way our kids (dd and her dd) play: dd is 2 years older than the little girl, so often, dd will "boss" her around ("come and play here", "no, that's not the game", do this, ...) and her dd tends to imitate mine (if dd says something silly, she will say it too). Her dd is normaly a quiet, shy kid, so the mom may not like the way my dd is influencing hers. Maybe that's the main issue here. I feel that she doesn't like what dd teaches her child and understand it, but at the same time, I know that this is how it goes (dd learned lots of "undesirable" behaviors in daycare and school). Her dd never went to daycare, and untill spring, she mostly sat on her mothers lap sucking her thumb when we were at the park, so she never got a lot of outside influence.

Thanks for reading.

I think I'll call the mom tomorrow and let her know how I feel. I haven't been able to eat supper (but ate a whole box of ice cream
). I think I'm too easily upset...
See less See more
I'm usually on the "it's normal" bandwagon. The thing that concerns me is that it appears from your post ( maybe I misunderstood) that the 3 1/2 year old was the one having her pants pulled down and that she wasn't consenting. In other words for her it wasn't, show me yours I'll show you mine type thing.

I wonder if the older boys (they were 6 and 7 right) might have been coercing your dd and the younger girl. The age difference and the fact that the little girls pants were being pulled down does concern me.
I agree with Ard.

Plus, I'd talk with your dd about the boys and their showing their penises. Was she witness to that? She needs to talk about that with you in a calm, inviting, conversation.

to you mama
See less See more
I'm confused, you weren't able to see what was going on? A woman came and told you your kids' pants were down?? Were you not there..or just not watching...Please clarify?
I wasn't there, dh was.

All the parents of our group usualy sit on the bench, and kids play in the fenced park (small park with some bushes, that's where they were). Since we also have babies to take care of, yes, older kids are often "unsupervised" (meaning we are not by their side watching their every action). We watch them from a distance, but don't worry unless one of them comes to us. They often play in those bushes to catch bugs og pretend they have a house, so it was not unusual.

Arduina, that's my concern also, that the little girl wasn't consenting, nobody said it to me, but the fact that the mom yelled at my dd makes me think she wasn't consenting, or maybe the mom was really mad because her dd wouldn't have had the idea all by herself. But I don't know what happened for sure. Usualy, when there is something wrong or not pleasing her, the little girl will just come to us and tell adults what's wrong.
I just talked with the little girls mom. The little girl was playing with the others, but did not fully understand what was going on. That's why the mom wasn't happy about it, and I can totaly understand. She feels older kids took advantage of her dd. She said she becomes upset easily, and that's why she yelled at my dd.
I'm relieved that the little girl wasn't traumatized and that the mom isn't mad at dd (she thinks it's totaly normal for them to discover their bodies, but with kids of their own age, and I can understand her point)

Thanks a lot for your responses.
I'm glad you've cleared the air with the other mom!

It sounds like a lot of her concerns may come from the power imbalance between her daughter and the other, older, bolder kids. I remember having a friend in elementary school who was a year older than me and very forceful - I ended up doing some pretty weird stuff while we were 'playing': I was always the one who ended up breaking the grown-ups' rules, or having to stay in the closet, as part of the 'game.' This was when I was around ages 7 to 9, and these kids are younger. But maybe it merits a discussion with your daughter, not so much about bodies and privacy, but more about respecting and 'going easy' with younger members of the group?
Thanks mammastar. I was thinking about that too. I don't think that dd always realizes that the other girl is younger, as she is the only other little girl in the group (around 12 kids) and they are always together. So she has power, but I'm not sure she realizes that it's not like when at school people her own age follow her because she is a "leader". I'll talk to her about that.
I've been lurking to see what happened with this & I'm glad to hear it's been resolved.
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.