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Dd1 turned five today! I can't quite believe it... we spent the day in another city with some friends and had a lovely picnic and cupcakes and presents. Now she is with xh until Sunday morning
but then I will have her (and dd2 of course) for a whole week for our trip to the east coast!
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On another note, it has been difficult to remember her birth. I had a really incredible, fast homebirth, and my mom was my midwife, and it was such a wonderful experience. And despite all my anger with xh now and all the huge red flags he waved that I am only now beginning to recognize in their entirety, I do remember very clearly his support during my labor and birth with dd1 and the love and amazement we shared, and the time. a little later, when we named her... and it hurts, and I don't want to think about it or remember it, and it also makes me feel like I am, in my anger, making him out to be a monster, because clearly a monster wouldn't have been so supportive during a birth, etc.... and ok, so he isn't a monster to begin with, but he is abusive on certain levels, and he did leave me for another woman, and well, the list goes on for awhile........ I am rambling, but it almost hurts me more to remember dd1's birth than to know that he left me for someone else or regularly questions my parenting...... I guess it's almost like I want to remove him from my wonderful memories of my dds.

Anyway, dd1 had a great day and went off to xh happy and exhausted. I'm pretty exhausted myself!
 

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I know what you mean. I wish mine could jsut be a complete tyrant 100% of the time. it would make this all so much easier. But then he has times when he is being so sweet. With questioning myself, that makes it all the harder... but just remember there is good and bad in all of us. You left because the bad was too much to tak but that does nto mean he was 100% bad all the time. Right ow mine is stepping things up because we had "the talk" (the I want out talk) Tuesday and since then he has been on his best behaviour. this bothere me more then he knows... because I know it is fake and because I know it won't last so I am carrying on with my plans for finding work.

Happy B-day to your little one!!!
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I really relate to this. My ex was the same way during our birth and LITERALLY the moment my daughter came out he turned into a someone else, or at least a side I'd never seen (or never wanted to see). He actually said to our midwife like an hour later, "I wanted a boy". Didn't look me in the eyes the same way from that point on. Fight over the name... I was weeping in the bed...

it seems like I always return to these memories when he's being especially annoying. All it takes is a few of these thoughts to send me back down the path of hurt, of reliving all the pain we put one another through. I think it's very brave of you to acknowledge that it still bugs you at times, and hopefully I will someday have the discipline that you do to refocus on my daughter and let everything else just fall away. And to a certain extent, you honestly do have to "remove him from your memories" as you say. Don't let him rob you of this happiness.
 
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