[taramt]

My 5 yo step daughter has recently started to throw violent tantrums when she is upset. Today, it was over leaving a friends house to come home. My patience snapped after 10 minutes of hysterical screaming and kicking, and I yelled at her to stop it. (Normally, I don't yell, but I am 7 1/2 mo preg and supposed to be taking it easy as I was having contractions on the weekend, and my stress levels are sky high.) After she stopped the tantrum, she became almost catatonic, and is now calmed down and playing quietly alone.
I'm not sure if this behaviour is acceptable at her mother's house, but it isn't with us. It has started in the last couple of weeks, and seems to have been precipitated by life changes. Until recently, she was living with her mother, and in the last 2 months has moved with her dad and I, so she could attend Waldorf school (mom lives 45 minutes away and has weekends with her). I know it's a hard adjustment, and probably caused by the changes in her life, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with when we are woken at 4 am by a tantrum! Any suggestions would be really appreciated, we need to stop this sort of behaviour before it becomes an ongoing problem.

 

[Mommiska]

Gosh - that sounds so difficult for all of you.

You are all dealing with a lot of changes, and I think you are right - this behaviour is most likely coming from all of the life changes your stepdd is dealing with right now.

Still doesn't make it easy to handle, I know! I have a 5 year old who hasn't had those kind of changes to deal with in her life, and she has the occasional tantrum still. When she loses it (which isnt' too often, but more often than I'd like! :LOL ), we just tell her that if she is upset about something, we would like to help her, but she needs to talk to us in a respectful way.

If she's unable to calm down (and let's face it - in mid-tantrum, they usually are unable to calm down!) we ask her to leave the room and come back when we can talk about whatever is the problem.

She'll generally run up to her room and come back down maybe 5-6 minues later, ready to talk.

All of that said, in your situation, I don't think I would send your dd away.

My 4 year old seems to be having a difficult time at the moment for some reason - lots and lots of whining/crying/looking for attention. I'm not exactly sure what is up with it, but I really think she needs more from us - I'm guessing this is the case with your stepdd, given what she is going through.

So when dd2 (4 years old) loses it, I try to verbalise for her why she is upset and offer (briefly) my sympathy. Then I let her know that we can talk about what is wrong once she is able to talk - but I then try to just sit quietly with her until she's able to calm down/talk.

The more I am able to empathise with her, the less frequent her tantrums seem. If I lose it in turn with her, that seems to make her less able to control her tantrums/ask for help appropriately.

As hard as it is, I think I would just try to ride out these tantrumsm quietly with your stepdd, and then, when she is finished, talk with her about whatever was upsetting her, as well as having a brief bit of your chat where you give her acceptable ways to express her feelings.

Has her dad talked with her about her feelings about not living with her mom anymore? The fact that you are having another baby?

There is just so much going for all of you - I really feel for you. Hang in there!

 

[gaialice]

Both you and your dsd are going through a lot. I really do hope you have someone to help you through with your pregnancy. Your health and that of the baby to be are the most important thing, and I can't imagine how difficult and aggravating it must be to be exposed to the 5yo tantrums. Nevertheless, you need all your strength to understand that dsd does not choose to throw a tantrum, she falls into them. Tantrums are not an acceptable or unacceptable behaviour. They are behaviour that a child cannot control and this is scary for her.
I am sending you links to two short articles with very good advice on this:
http://www.carolinaparent.com/1edito...-token.subpub=

http://www.carolinaparent.com/1edito...-token.subpub=

P.S. If the links do not work then simply go to www.carolinaparent.com
and search for tantrum

 

[Dodo]

That's a lot of life changes: moving, moving in with a different parent, moving in with a different parent and his partner, expecting a new sibling and starting a new school. That's almost a complete list of anything that could upset a child.

That said, I understand being pregnant with very little patience. Any way your hubby could step up to the plate for the next couple of months? Sounds as though your dsd is going to need some extra attention that you might not be best positioned to give.

Barring that, acknowledge the reasons for the tantrum, saying that those are strong feelings to have, that strong feelings are okay, but that kicking and screaming are not. Remind your dsd to use her words and give her words to describe her emotions (frustrated, disappointed, angry, confused). IF a tantrum goes on too long (10 to 15 minutes), remind her that it is time to bring it to a close, that she needs to find a way to calm herself down and make herself feel better, what would make her feel better? A hug? A glass of water? A phone call to her mom?