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Dealing with another parent

607 Views 5 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  Jennifer3141
Today my daughter went over to play with the next door neighbors grandkids and the girl (9) said "I can't play with you anymore." This is not the first time she said it, so I went over to see what was going on.

Turns out my daughter said something really mean that she shouldn't have said to the younger brother (5) and instead of the mom coming to ME and telling me about it, she gets her 9 year old to tell my 6 year old that she can't play with her anymore.

The first time it happened my dd was in tears, very upset and not understanding what happened-of course. If the mom had just said "hey your dd said this and we didn't think it was very nice," I would have had dd apologize and not let her play with them for a while.

Now I'm pissed that she's taken such a chicken ___ way out by making her daughter into the bad guy and seriously hurting my daughter's feelings. I tried calling her to talk about it in a grown up way--you know how it should have been done the first time--but she wasn't home.

DD really likes this little girl, but I personally think she's a brat and a drama queen(for many reasons and I'm not the only one). I'm still steamed that she handled this in the way that she did, involving the kids instead of dealing with it like a parent SHOULD.

I told DD she's not allowed to play with them anymore, and told her that saying things like that will only get her in trouble. I'm sure it was in the context of their play (casting pretend spells and what not ala Harry Potter), but they are all freaked out about it. It doesn't help that they talk about God-this and God-that and we are not a religious family at all, so it may be for the best (nothing wrong with that, it's just not for me). I really don't want my DD getting spiritual advice from a 9 yr. old, kwim?

Most of the time I let them play outside without interference, checking on them to make sure they haven't wandered off, and I let DD's imagination roam. If she wants to kill demons in the backyard, I'm ok with that. :LOL

I've already talked to DD about what she said. When I asked her about it, she didn't even remember saying it, but that doesn't mean she didn't. I guess the point is, she's been allowed to play with her between the first incident and today so I'm a bit confused, as is DD. Why didn't she just say something the first time it happened (a month ago) instead of letting them play like nothing was the matter and then suddenly today saying "nope, you can't play with her anymore." Sheesh

Anyway, I got a bit off track there, but I had to vent. I just wish the grown ups would be grown up and let the kids be kids. So, how should I deal with it? Call and talk to her about it or just cut ties? I don't have any strong friendship with this person, so it wouldn't hurt my feelings, but her mom is my neighbor. What to do?
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I dont' have any advice. I have a younger DS and this sort of thing hasn't come up yet. I just did not want to read and not reply.
This may be learning opportunity for your DD...that grownups are really WEIRD and not always right. Sometimes my mom would present it to my brother and me that way when some grownup did something weird and hurtful and it was actually sort of useful to know...
If she's really "not allowed" to play with them anymore, that would piss me off too. However, if my child came in whining about what the neighbor kid said to him, then I would simply say, "Wow. That must have hurt your feelings. You know you don't have to play with kids who hurt your feelings."

Is it possible that she simply gave her child permission to draw the boundry? I personally would not get involved with the kids or with the parents in a situation like this. I'd let them work it out.
Hmm. She said "my dad said I couldn't play with you until you turn 7" or something crazy like that.

These aren't the most enlightened people, so I doubt she let the daughter set the boundary. I asked the grandma today and she said "B thought it would be best if her dd didn't play with your dd blah blah..."

Like I said, no close ties other than neighbors, so it doesn't make much difference to me, but it hurt my daughter's feelings.

Oh well, I'm through with negative people. I have much better things to do with my time than worry about it.
I'm sorry your dd's feeling were hurt.
I think it really is best to drop it. You don't seem to like the kid or family that much anyway and it is their right to make their own parenting choices for their children even if doesn't seem the right way to go about it from your pov.

I know I have in the past not wanted my dd to play with a neighbor's grandkids because they have such different rules/lifestyle and they didn't get that my dd had different rules she had to follow. It really was becomming a problem because they were trying to tell my dd that she didn't have to do so and so because THEIR grandma, or mom said it was okay. It wasn't a single incident. I felt it was awkward to get into their different parenting practices or beliefs without them getting defensive. They have a right to raise their kids their way and I respect that. We also weren't friends, just neighbors to the grandparents. I just didn't feel I needed to get into it with them. This wasn't regular playdates or friends but kids happening to be outside at the same time. I didn't instruct my dd to go up to them and say "I can't play with you". We mainly tried to avoid them. If they pestered her I expect she would've said something to them about not being able to play or I would've said it to them had I been there.

I think it is tough from both sides.
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Originally Posted by JenniferH
Hmm. She said "my dad said I couldn't play with you until you turn 7" or something crazy like that.
I think that's kind of funny. At least you know your DD will be a much nicer person when she turns 7 evidently. :LOL

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