[pixiewytch]

In the past couple of years DS has been invited to numerous birthday parties, some from his WS and some not. We don't go to all of them but when we do I am often surprised at the over the top entertainment such as bouncers, clowns, overstimulated party places, etc. Imagine my surprise to even see classmates opening many gifts that were star wars themed or other media centered plastic type of toys. This one particularly bothered me the most because it sends mixed messages to DS. I often tell him that other kids at his school don't have these toys or can't bring them/talk about them at school. At the most recent party he was excited to make his own gift with some beeswax sculptures, crystals, and other little trinkets in a recycled box. I felt bad for him when the party recipient was opening all of these commercial toys and then his seemed less than spectacular. I can kind of see this with a non waldorf party...and for the record, I'm not the waldorf police. I understand that kids are going to get some mainstream type of toys but I'm finding myself surprised to see that very few to even none are given at these parties.

So how do I explain to my seven year old why all of his classmates apparently have legos and Star Wars action figures given to them while I'm trying to focus on natural open ended toys from places like a toy garden? And then the party environment in general. We have always kept birthdays very low key family events with a simple cake, birthday ring, and that's it. This year I am going to allow him a party since he is getting older but I feel bad that now he has seen all these expensive parties and that's not what I have in mind.

Any suggestions, ideas? As kids get older, do they just start getting mainstream media toys at waldorf vs. early childhood? Am I missing something here? I'm just tired of sending mixed messages to my child.

 

[audreyhorne]

we experience similar problems with birthday parties, and while we do love to celebrate with our friends, i have found that we have gracefully bowed out of enough birthday parties in the past that my children seldom get invited anymore. i have mostly given up on having my children make gifts, as i've seen their disappointment every time one is received less than graciously. even i have given up on making gifts for most of their friends, as it's hurtful to me, even as an adult to see something that i put energy and spirit into cast aside casually. i am sorry for your son, and the beeswax and crystal sculpture would be exactly the kind of amazing treasure my children would appreciate. i wish that all birthdays were about celebrating the birthday of the child and the relationship of the family rather than an excuse for presents, junk food and waste. we have my daughter's 7th birthday party coming up, and she is only inviting three friends, because she wants to feel comfortable building fairy houses and flying a kite, and not feel the pressure of hanna montana or whatever. they grow up so fast on their own, i don't see the point in hurrying the process...
i wish i had more advice, but all i have to offer is empathy.

 

[melamama]

I know.

Usually I talk with the parent to see what is going to be going on at the birthday party, and if it's not in line with our lifestyle my kiddos don't go.

We're pretty lucky that most kids at the WS where my dc go are pretty happy to receive handmade items (this is my 6yo, for my 9yo they either make something small or ask for a dollar so they can save for something bigger--like a betta fish or doll bed or something like that).

I also am dismayed at the amount of commercial stuff that so many of my kids classmates have. Not to fall back on the gender thing, but my dd is the older one and while most of her gf can still be counted on to have more waldorf-y type stuff, the boys in her class have the more gadgety stuff like action figures, remote control vehicles, etc. *But I also have friends with even older boys that don't have any of this stuff.

I will keep telling my kids that all that stuff (crazy parties, commercial toys, etc.) is just not what we do as a family. I just feel like all that commercial stuff is a gateway to game boys, cellphones and ipods. (and yes some of the kids in my 9yo's WS class have those things too).

And I don't think you're sending mixed messages (although I'd stop telling him what others are allowed to do/not do, and focus on him and your family). I think those parents sending their kids to WS then not upholding the media policy or not holding the line in any other number of ways (yes it gets much harder after 7, in my perception parents are just tired) are the ones sending the mixed messages. I would speak with his class teacher about this. This is really a parent night topic--about what is acceptable (certainly not bring those toys to school) at home and on playdates. Our class made agreements in first grade about playdates (no media, no electronic toys, etc.). Really those families need a reminder about all this, as this effects the class and the class environment for your child.

No you don't have to go the extravagant party route either, for our last round of birthdays dd painted pottery with 5 girlfriends, and ds had 5 boys over and they had lunch and homemade cake, then tossed water balloons at the fence and ran around for the duration.

 

[boatbaby]

My DS is only 4 but he's had a birthday party epiphany all his own this spring. One of his dear boy friends had a large, mainstream birthday party and many of the kids there were from the boy's preschool and neighborhood (plus DS and the little group of kids he's connected to this boy through). DS picked out a VERY small gift for the boy (a flashlight) plus made a bunch of little things for him and did the wrapping and decorating himself too.

He burst in to tears at the end of the party when everyone plopped their gifts on a large gift table and started cleaning up to go home. He said, "I really want to GIVE my gift go H. I want to see him open it. Please don't make me leave it on the table. I want him to open it WITH me!"

The mom agreed sweetly, but the boy just tore through the wrapping and decoration, glanced at the gift, tossed it back on the table, and went on his way.

In the car DS said, "H forgot who I was." I asked what he meant. He said, "He didn't talk to me, he only played with the other boys who I didn't know, he didn't sit by me, he didn't even want to see my gift." I told him I was sorry and how hard it can be when you have different friends all together who don't know each other etc. But that's the way big parties are.

He said, "I don't ever want any of my friends to feel sad like this. I don't want to have a birthday party if people are going to feel left out."
(FWIW - we have had big parties in the past, out in our marina yard. Always no gifts. Very casual but big non the less.)

Soooooo... we are adopting a new tradition from a close friend. Birthday month. Basically on his actual day we do something special as a family (birthday ring, camping trip, special dinner, what have you).

And for the month (or couple of weeks) of his birthday whenever we have a friend come over we will have a small party -- just he and that friend, a sweet treat, a candle, and that's it. Just a little flair added to a regular play date. His girlfriend who we stole the idea from just had her special birthday week(s) and he LOVED coming to her house one day with his handful of home made love, drawings, etc. He loved sitting next to her at her dinner table with some mama made chocolate covered strawberries. He loved seeing her unwrap his little gifts, truly taking them in. He loved that it all MEANT something.

 

[counterGOPI]

i haven't had this issue..YET but had to come and over some sympathy and

 

[pixiewytch]

Melamama, your gender topic is rather interesting. I had not thought of it this way myself but I think you are on to something. It seems like the girls definitely get more waldorfy gifts like dolls of course, books, board games, crafts...and then the boys seem to get more of the power rangers, star wars, legos type of stuff. In fact, from DS it sounds like the boys tend to talk more about the commercial toys than the girls do.

I'll admit it is a bit trickier at this age. In fact now that DS is going on eight I will probably be ordering gifts from more mainstream waldorf catalogs like Hearthsong for nature science type of things. After awhile nova catalog or a toy garden just doesn't have much to keep older children excited. Nevertheless I'm not sure why boys don't get many books or board games as gifts. I gave both to DS for his birthday and he loved them.

The issue with bringing it up with our school remains that it is usually the class parents/parent council board members who are the ones with the kids I'm referring to. Makes it almost non productive to even bring it up. I usually talk about these things with the teacher alone since they aren't exactly going to comisserate and will probably just see me as the bad guy.

Boatbaby, I just wanted to say that is just awful about your little one. It was heartbreaking just reading that. I think you are right about having a quaint birthday month with the family. At that age we never had birthday parties that included anyone but some extended family members. Honestly when DS turns eight this year it will be the first time we do anything that includes peers or classmates.

 

[Mama2Jesse]

Boatbaby, that is beyond precious.

:

 

[NoliMum]

We've had a similar problem. Of course DD is only 3, but already she has attended Princess-themed parties and a party at a jump-house place where all the jump houses were based on characters.

The bigger problem we have is that I try to plan a simple, nature-themed party and then it blows up in my face.

: This March we had her birthday party and it was a "Forest" themed. We chose a park with plenty of trees, gifts that were homemade and "foresty" and had a scrumptious whole-wheat apple cake.

But my efforts were overshadowed when we had to relocate to my MIL's house because of the weather, and none of my Waldorf/natural friends showed up. Instead we just had cousins (mainstream Barbie/Disney obsessed) and a bunch of adults who didn't know anything about our parenting philosophies. Her cousin "helped" open presents and my DD ended up not even seeing some of the gifts that were made for her. Any hope of a "foresty" atmosphere was distinguished.

 

[Wildersmom]

Yikes!! listening to your b-day stories are frightening. DS1 & DS2 have birthdays this month and next month. We will have their party on the beach at a covered area (rain or shine). No frills, just a fire, kids and dogs. I am letting people know gifts are not necessary, but if they feel they need to then gifts from nature (rock, feather, driftwood, bag of pinecones, shell, a plant we can plant together in the garden).

Can anyone give me ideas about small family birthday rituals? We have our b-day ring on the table.

 

[SaraLe6]

Sorry to threadjack.. but what is a birthday ring?

 

[melamama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pixiewytch The issue with bringing it up with our school remains that it is usually the class parents/parent council board members who are the ones with the kids I'm referring to. Makes it almost non productive to even bring it up. I usually talk about these things with the teacher alone since they aren't exactly going to comisserate and will probably just see me as the bad guy.

Yeah, this is why I'd try to have the teacher bring it up. I know it's harder for our teachers when the commercial junk is prevalent. And it does impact the class group when many of the children are "awake" in that way.
It is a giant bummer when you have to deal with this stuff within the WS.

SaraLe6 - here are the birthday rings from Nova Natural, more from the Wooden Wagon, and here's the Kathe Kruse one from Rosie Hippo.

We use the birthday ring in the morning just for our family with hot chocolate in bed for the birthday child.