[tsfairy]

I've read several threads about dealing with discussions of UC, but I'm hoping for some more specific advice. Or maybe I just want to vent a little. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
I'm part of a couple of IRL groups in which many of the moms have had homebirths or used midwives. When I announced my pregnancy I wasn't shy about planning a homebirth so several times now the discussion of "which mw are you using" has come up with other ladies. I've managed to evade the question by saying we're still deciding, and that we've interviewed so-and-so (the last part is true - we did interview several mw's but they just confirmed my desire to UC) and I'm nearly always given recommendations of well-loved mw's.<br><br>
Last night I ran into a friend who used the same mw I used with my first birth. Of course she asked who I'm using this time and I just wasn't comfortable mentioning UC so I said we hadn't decided yet and then we talked about a bunch of the mw's here in town. One of the last things she said to me as I was leaving was "make sure you get a care provider soon!"<br><br>
I'm over 21 weeks now and I'm just getting more and more uncomfortable when these discussions come up and I'm not sure how to handle them. All of my friends who've had homebirths LOVE their midwives and I'm not sure anyone would remotely understand my desire to UC. People are starting to get a little weird when they find out I don't have a mw yet, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable lying about who I'm using, because odds are good someone else in the group is using the same mw or has recently and still maintains contact with her, or would recognize if I made up a name or used a doula, etc.<br><br>
I also don't want to pretend I'm going the OB route, because it's just really against my principles to plan a hospital birth unless there's a true medical reason (like my pre-e last time) and most people I know are aware of this.<br><br>
So what can I do, short of avoiding my friends? I'm just lost here.

 

[wombjuice]

If you completely trust these friends, maybe you should simply tell them the truth? They may question your decision, most likely disapprove of it, but if they are true friends, they will support your choice.<br><br>
I say this, but if I were in your shoes, I don't know what I'd do--especially if I were dealing with a large group of casual acquaintances who were prone to gossip. Honestly, if this were the case, I would probably avoid them until after the birth.

 

[tsfairy]

I think I could possibly trust a few of them and I have told one good friend who has been very supportive, but most of the others are just fairly casual acquaintances. Unfortunately everyone talks to everyone else and I'm just not sure I want this out there for public scrutiny.<br><br>
Sigh... I hate to just avoid everyone. Sometimes I really need the break of a playgroup and DS really enjoys seeing his friends.

 

[alegna]

Find some new friends in town who are UC friendly <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
Just teasin' <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Me- I'd just tell them and let them get over it.<br><br>
-Angela

 

[tsfairy]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alegna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7947735"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Find some new friends in town who are UC friendly <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
Just teasin' <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
-Angela</div>
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Haha actually I would love to find and connect with others in the area who have UC'd before or are planning to. Know any? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alegna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7947735"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Me- I'd just tell them and let them get over it.</div>
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Ahh I would so love to do this, but I keep reading about CPS getting involved and I just don't know some of these people well enough to be sure they wouldn't do something crazy.

 

[alegna]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tsfairy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7948564"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Haha actually I would love to find and connect with others in the area who have UC'd before or are planning to. Know any? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"></div>
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There's one on here- her screen name is something like mykidsrock her name is Konny. Know her? I haven't UCed but only because I found a UC friendly midwife to hang out and file my paperwork <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tsfairy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7948564"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Ahh I would so love to do this, but I keep reading about CPS getting involved and I just don't know some of these people well enough to be sure they wouldn't do something crazy.</div>
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Wow- people in my playgroup wouldn't consider calling CPS- are they that type in yours? (ps- are you in the NW AP playgroup? I keep meaning to make it, but it's always so far...)<br><br>
-Angela

 

[2bluefish]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tsfairy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7945716"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I also don't want to pretend I'm going the OB route, because it's just really against my principles to plan a hospital birth unless there's a true medical reason (like my pre-e last time) and most people I know are aware of this.</div>
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You know, I thought I could never get away with saying I was going to an Ob. But people are kind of accepting it since I transported last time. Mom's actual words to dh were "tell her to plan a hospital birth. Knowing her she'll tough it out and not go, but at least you will have the doctor on call." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I never wanted to lie - Thou shalt not lie and all that - but I just can't see how to deal with it any other way. Saying I just don't want to talk about it like I did last time just leads to badgering. They know there are no midwives here, so I can't use that excuse again. It's amazing - mom said "did you go to the doctor yet?" I said, "yep, everything's fine." And she didn't say another word!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Man if that is all it took, I should have said that 2 pregnancies ago!

 

[~~Mama2B~~]

I told people (while I was UPing) that I was getting basic prenatal care but I didn't have a midwife for the birth yet. Then I quickly changed the subject. Once I got a midwife for prenatal care people just assumed she'd be there for the birth. It was great- don't ask, don't tell.<br><br>
I understand how you feel about it all though. Its so disheartening to have to worry about CPS getting involved and people judging you for your choice. Good luck!<br><br>
Kristi

 

[Socks!]

Maybe you could make something up about going to the farm and then, whoops, just didn't make it in time. Or maybe you have an old penpal from Europe, who happens to be a midwife and just recently moved to (insert location that is far enough that your playgroup friends won't know). With this scenario you can also just have a faast labor.<br><br>
Good luck!

 

[momazon4]

Not sure what will work best for you but this is what I did- people who would be supportive got told and those who wouldn't automatically will get told AFTER the fact, if they are important to me. I don't mind having big discussions with those who love me (I won't waste time on those who don't) but not while pregnant. Frankly, it would take up too much energy right now.<br><br>
Good luck.

 

[tsfairy]

Thanks for all the responses. I sort of like the idea of making up an old "friend" who doesn't practice anymore or planning to go to the farm or something like that... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> But I'm really not a great liar and I think I'd just crack up everytime I tried to say it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alegna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7948817"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">There's one on here- her screen name is something like mykidsrock her name is Konny. Know her? I haven't UCed but only because I found a UC friendly midwife to hang out and file my paperwork <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"></div>
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Nope haven't met her. Maybe I should try to send her a PM.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alegna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7948817"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Wow- people in my playgroup wouldn't consider calling CPS- are they that type in yours? (ps- are you in the NW AP playgroup? I keep meaning to make it, but it's always so far...)<br><br>
-Angela</div>
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See that's just the thing. I'm just not sure because I just don't know some of them that well. I'd like to think they wouldn't but it scares me to think it's possible yk? I've been to a couple of NWAP playdates but haven't really gotten to know anyone in that group yet. My more mainstream playgroup is the one I'm worried about. Unfortunately they are the ones who go to library storytime and LLL and such and I see the most often.

 

[alegna]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tsfairy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7953400"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">See that's just the thing. I'm just not sure because I just don't know some of them that well. I'd like to think they wouldn't but it scares me to think it's possible yk? I've been to a couple of NWAP playdates but haven't really gotten to know anyone in that group yet. My more mainstream playgroup is the one I'm worried about. Unfortunately they are the ones who go to library storytime and LLL and such and I see the most often.</div>
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Well we have a LOVERLY AP playgroup that wouldn't bat an eye at a UC <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">: if you're interested.....<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
-Angela

 

[theelfqueen]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tsfairy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7945716"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">All of my friends who've had homebirths LOVE their midwives and I'm not sure anyone would remotely understand my desire to UC. People are starting to get a little weird when they find out I don't have a mw yet, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable lying about who I'm using, because odds are good someone else in the group is using the same mw or has recently and still maintains contact with her, or would recognize if I made up a name or used a doula, etc.</div>
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I'm not a UCer, I had a midwife assisted homebirth and I do adore my midwife, however if one of my friends announced their intention to freebirth/UC to me I would be very excited for them! I think UC is fantastic and make an effort to be supportive. However I can totally understand your fears (I had similar fears of "being reported" for my completely legal licensed-by-my-state-midwife assisted homebirth, so I can relate to the desire not to overshare.)