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Dealing with stress together?

369 Views 4 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Rainbowbird
I am feeling really stressed out right now b/c we have just learned that my mom's breast cancer has matastized to her liver. She is hopefully being released from the hospital tomorrow after 1 1/2 weeks of blood transfusions, fluids, etc. The dr. has some hope for treatment but not a cure.

I am 18 weeks pregnant and going through the ususal discomforts, hormonal stuff, etc. while being a SAHM to our 22 month old. (Aside from the stress of my mom being sick, she was our primary babysitter so I've had to deal with some of my appts. etc. without help--not that I blame her by any means!)

I have asked and reminded DH that I am stressed out and hormonal, and I need some extra understanding right now. I have warned him that I'm crying easily these days, generally sensitive and need TLC.

He agrees and might do one or two little things like make me a cup of tea, ask me if I want to talk, etc. but overall I don't think he behaves any differently due to this situation. His main concern is working on refinishing our basement which he seems to think needs to be finished now (even though our baby is not due until May and the room that will be moved to the basement to create one for her won't be needed til long after she is born).

I really appreciate how hard he works and how much he does to improve the house but I need him emotionally NOW. I just don't feel he is really there for me right now. If anything he is more critical than ever. Last night he kept carping about why was i baking Christmas cookies, they are just going to make us fat, etc. (Most are gifts but I love to bake and have been collecting Xmas recipes for years..he knows this) It also takes my mind of things.

He also nags me about going to the gym all the time. Needless to say this does not make me feel great since there is always an implication that I am looking out of shape. He has made a couple of comments about my baby weight so far that really hurt my feelings. I haven't been going as much since I got pregnant and plus I am so busy right now with visiting my mom and getting ready for the holidays. I know I should work out more and I want to be healthy but it has just been hard lately. I have only gained about 7 lbs. though so far.

How do you make a man understand? He is generally a good guy and I married him because he was SO not the usual jerky guy but it seems the longer we are married the more he starts to resemble the guys I used to date! LOL We have been married 7 1/2 years btw. Just kidding--sort of. I just find he isn't quite as sensitive as he used to be.

It doesn't help that being preg. makes me sensitive and maybe a bit irrational. I take offense easily and I cry easily so talking things out can be hard. I end up crying and feeling hurt. We had an argument before we went to bed last night and I cried and I now have puffy eyes and a headache. Ugh. And I can never come up with concrete examples of things that bother me when we argue. Why is that?

Oh well, just had to vent. Gotta go and get some breakfast in me or I'll be even moodier. Thanks if you made it this far!
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First, a
for all you are going through. Any one of those things would be really rough, and there you are, dealing with all of them at the same time. Be easy on yourself.

Also, be easy on your DH. People deal with stress and upheaval in different ways, and just as you are taking your mind off of things by baking cookies, he may feel that finishing the basement takes his mind off of things, or allows him to say "I accomplished this today," or whatever.

I think you are doing the right thing by making sure your DH knows that you are hormonal, worried and everything else. You may need to keep reminding him of this, in whatever way he will "hear" you.

I have been together with my DH for 11 years, (married for 8.5), and we definitely have different ways of dealing with stress, uncertainty, upheaval, etc. But it is how we come together on the issues that is the most important.

Good luck, and feel free to vent more if you need to.

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I suggest you write a list of helpful/ not helpful things- being as light and cheerful as you can and put it on the fridge. Men seem to take written reminders better than verbal ones... don't know why, but it doesn't feel so much like nagging. Then just say "not helpful" when he criticises or suggests the gym or whatever and give him tons of praise when he does the helpful things. He sounds like his intentions are good but he is lost in stressing because you are stressing which I know isn't helpful but tends to happen in marriage. Good luck and hang in there.
Sending healing vibes to you & your family...
Thanks, you guys. That helps. Things are much better tonight. We were both very stressed, tired and crabby last night. I appreciate your feedback, I just felt so bummed this a.m. and I don't like to complain about DH to friends or family so that leaves this forum...have a great night!
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